Well another one got locked - we're at a point where she is moving out in 1 week.
Long conversation last nite She started with custody. She agreed to Thur, Fri and Sat for me. She would then have Sun, Mon and Tues. We would alternate Weds. She would pick up when they woke up on Sun. I told her I would sleep on it but it seemed reasonable. I wouldn't really have a Fri or Sat nite out, but that's not my priority right now. I can always change that if that's what I want.
Ironically I was going to agree to alternating weekly starting Sun, with twice a week visitation. I've got to decide what is better
She also talked about how she felt it would be better if we were flexible and worked together in the context of the parenting agreement. I told her it made sense
Also, I got her to agree to support of $1200/month. I feel a little bad about that but I need to start protecting myself at some point. I just have to get her to sign it before she talks to her lawyer.
She then started talking about all the stuff that she needs to do in order to get to her apt next weekend. I told her this is not what I want but it is something that she wants. I do love her enough to not stand in her way but it hurts me to see her leave. If she wants/needs me to help, I will because I do love her even though it will be very painful for me to help. She asked me to help her take apart a bookcase/wall unit I said she could take and help split the kids toys. In my mind it seemed like I got off easy but I made her feel like I struggled to agree
I did tell her that I will likely take down our larger wedding pictures after she leaves. Not because my feelings have changed but because it would be too hurtful to look at them everyday. She offered to take them. I said I would put it in her craftroom and shut the door. I did say I would leave up a few of our smaller pictures though. She said she still has pictures of me up in her cube at work.
I then reminded her about considering pausing any divorce stuff until she healed and was sure there was no "Happily ever after" for us. She said right now she doesn't see a possible happily ever after with me, but she said she would consider it. I did tell her that I'm really not sure what "Happily ever after" looks like either as that is something that we would have to talk about and agree as it needs to be a shared vision. Right now I just have half the picture and when she is ready, I would love to hear hers.
We then talked about how frustrated she was about how the counseling was just focused on the past. She seemed it just kept reopening the old wounds/hurt. I agreed, acknowledged and validated. I asked if she would be more comfortable talking about what we could be doing differently. She said she wasn't ready to talk about future type stuff but would prefer to talk about the present. I said I would talk to our counselor next week and let her know
She then said that she would like to help me plan and setup the kids B'day party. I said I would appreciate that.
I then told her that I would like her to think about making time for us. While I will be respecting her space while she is healing, I don't want her to think that because I an not calling and asking, that my feelings have changed. She did say that if there was something going on that I would like to invite her to that the boys and us can go to, she said I should feel free to invite her. She said not pressure or guilt her into, but invite. I said I would. She said she would need to think about making time for just the 2 of us.
I then told her I do not feel that the seperation does not mean the end of the marriage and I will be behaving as such. If it does wind up with a divorce, I will then move on and change my behavior. She agreed, although caveated that does think the marriage is over, she says she will act and behave like she is married until the divorce is final. She was worried that she thought I would become a jerk to her if we are divorced. I told her that I will be treat her with respect as I can not look at my boys if I am not treating their mother fairly. She seemed ok with that
One other thing she talked about is that she is still hurt and angry. She feels like she can't trust me to be vulnerable and love again. She said its like having a really good friend do something unthinkable to you. Can you be trust that person to be friends again?
I said it had happened to me before and I was able to be friends again
I asked if she had
She said it happened to her but the friendship wasn't the same afterwards. Oh oh I thought. This is going to be a long road back.
Overall, hard conversation. I feel comfortable with what we've come to agreement though. I'm not happy as I still don't agree with the seperation. She seemed satisfied though.
So its pretty firmed up, she will be starting in her apartment next weekend
The journey continues down the dark path....
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
It seemed a little awkward between my wife and I. We chatted very lightly while we got ready. When woke up our boys and wished our oldest happy B'day. Little does he know that one of his b'day surprises this weekend is my wife wants to tell them she is moving out. Pretty heartless.
We did joke and laugh while we were with the boys. My oldest thought my wife sat on his bed without underwear on so he started to say "Butt crack alert" and laughing. She was wearing underwear. Then my 3 year old started saying it too. Then my wife pulled off her underwear and sat on my lap and said "Butt crack alert" as well. It was a lot of laughing and fun
The boys ran out of the room. My wife asked me to crack her back. I said "sure hun, loved to". We hugged and she got a "rise" out of me as I cracked her back. I could tell that made her feel awkward as we broke away.
She was a little distant after that.
Oh well, whatever.
I will be strong for my boys and choose to be happy
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
A few months after my W and I were out of MC she said the same thing. I agreed we went every week and the hurt was brought out but we both realized we should have told the C that we didn't want to talk about the past but how to move forward. I'm not sure I'll get the chance to do MC again but if you do maybe that's something you and your W should make sure the C knows.
I wish my wife would have said something earlier as well so we could have changed directions/approach. I was getting tired of talking about the past as well. Guess this has been part of our problem, we were both doing something that we didn't want to but we jumped into each other's head thinking that was what the other wanted to do. At least we spoke up know. My wife did say that she would go to another one.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
One other thing she talked about is that she is still hurt and angry.
I think we expect them to get over their hurt and anger a lot sooner than they are able to!
I know that but it has been almost 3 months. I'm would have guessed it would have eased somewhat. I guess the weekly counseling of rehashing the past just kept it going. I also know when I backslide when we talk sbout the parenting agreement and divorce related issues, we would wind up talking about the past hurts so that didn't allow her to heal either
I truly hope the seperation will give her the time and sapce to heal so we can be together again. It has been so long, even before the bomb, but I just didn't notice. I was so distracted about kids, work, and house that I lost my best friend along the way
I hope I our paths lead back together again. I miss her already.
I will be strong. I will survive and thrive. For me. For my boys. Hopefully for my wife.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
One other thing she talked about is that she is still hurt and angry.
I think we expect them to get over their hurt and anger a lot sooner than they are able to!
I know that but it has been almost 3 months. I'm would have guessed it would have eased somewhat. I guess the weekly counseling of rehashing the past just kept it going. I also know when I backslide when we talk sbout the parenting agreement and divorce related issues, we would wind up talking about the past hurts so that didn't allow her to heal either
I truly hope the seperation will give her the time and sapce to heal so we can be together again. It has been so long, even before the bomb, but I just didn't notice. I was so distracted about kids, work, and house that I lost my best friend along the way
I hope I our paths lead back together again. I miss her already.
I will be strong. I will survive and thrive. For me. For my boys. Hopefully for my wife.
My wife said she was unhappy and hurt "for years". They don't get over that in 3 or 4 months! It takes a lot longer than that. Look at what some of the WAW's have said on these boards, especially some that have reconciled with their husbands...it's a lot longer than 'we' want it to be. They can't really start dealing with it all until they are away from us. Then they start to process it...TONS of emotions. In our case, my wife's anger and rage are full bore right now. Her first night in her new place was Feb. 22nd. They have to deal with a lot of other stuff after they move out before they can start this processing too (logistics, utilities, etc.). My wife's anger and rage at me increased as time has gone by. I've been told that the abcess is draining now, and that pus has to drain out for a while before the thing can start to heal. I'm seeing the pus draining out right now. Who knows how long it will take? Everybody is different. But I do know that it takes a lot longer than we think it should. That's why DB talks about PATIENCE so much. I think the separation will give our wives time and space to start healing. I hope our paths lead back together again too. I wish the same for you.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
"I hope I our paths lead back together again. I miss her already."
She's not even out of the house yet. Just take it one day at a time. You can do it.
Take the time to heal while she's healing also.
I know, its pretty pathetic
She's been quiet today - no emails/text or calls. I'm home with my 7 year old for his Bday today. I sent her a couple of funny pics of my oldest from breakfast and lunch. No responses at all
Usually this is a tell where she is going to be hit me with something. I need to make sure my wall is ready. It did crumble over the last 2 weeks as the reality of her leaving and the impact it will have on the kids
I must remember, this is a war for saving the marriage. The seperation is a battle that did not go as planned. The war is still far from over
Thanks for checking in on this Good Friday.
God bless and take care
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
They don't get over that in 3 or 4 months! It takes a lot longer than that. Look at what some of the WAW's have said on these boards, especially some that have reconciled with their husbands...it's a lot longer than 'we' want it to be.
I think the separation will give our wives time and space to start healing. I hope our paths lead back together again too. I wish the same for you.
I've heard that it takes 1 month for every year we were together. So that would be 9.5 months if its by the marriage time. Or 11 months if we go by how long we were together. Ack. That's a long time
Patience and faith to us all
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
