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A Message from Michele
Active Threads | Active Posts | Unanswered Today | Since Yesterday | This Week
Surviving the Big D
32 seconds ago
Originally Posted by kml
I think less of a bully and more of a personality disorder who thinks her way is tHE way things should go. There's been a disturbing disconnect between her nicey nicey behavior towards us and the things that have been said behind our backs. (For example, when first hired, our retiring person trained her. A couple of months after original employee left she called us to say employee one was calling her to bitch about things in the office - all while saying nothing much to us. We should have fired her then I guess.)


You know, I'm no authority on the subject by any means, but around here, we don't call that a personality disorder, we just call it being a hateful, mean-spirited b!tch. I'm not saying it is not a personality disorder because I don't know, but if it is, I know a LOT of people with a personality disorder.
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For Newcomers
8 minutes ago
Our lease is up in 3 months so maybe don't decorate in areas he will see? I don't know. Thoughts?
17 168 Read More
Surviving the Big D
10 minutes ago
Oh, Iím so glad Job has posted above.

I too agree with everything she says. I was too worried to post because, as Iím from across the pond and post a little differently, I didnít want to offend as sometimes I can sound rather abrupt.

For me, there are red flags a plenty and I honestly wish you hadnít let her move in so soon.

I would be worried that she was on the rebound from her previous relationship and if it doesnít work out for you, how stressful it would be to get her to move out again.
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For Newcomers
15 minutes ago
Quote
Your guess is right. She just wanted to read books to our son with me on the phone, but thatís about it.


She's hijacking your time with your son. She's the one who is tearing up the family, but she expects you to sit there and listen while she reads a book to the child? It's unrealistic, spoiled, and manipulative. When your child is staying with you.....that's your time to spend with him, not hers. That's how divorce looks! That's what she needs to see now. She wants to hold you hostage while she intrudes on daddy & son time. Unbelievable!

Quote
GAL is going well, I think. I try to do some sport every day. I recently joined a gym, so Iím working out harder in addition to my daily neighborhood walk. I truly feel scatterbrained with everything going on right now, but Iím trying to push through it and do the best I can every day.


Quote
I really donít want to go to coparenting therapy, though as I feel it just feeds her decision to leave. I donít want to play along with it.


Well, if this is an example of what the therapist is suggesting, I don't blame you for not wanting to attend.
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For Newcomers
28 minutes ago
Steve it is good. I go to the gym 5 days a week for about an hour and half, play on a baseball team, contacting for of my friends and making plans with them. Something else that I donít know how it will be taken here. I started to see another woman. We go to dinner and it dancing. She knows my situation and is ok with it. When I am with my kids I take them places and do fun things with them. So GAL is going well.

Rose it was bad of me to even make it go on you long. I asked my d and s to go to an outdoor movie. You can bring chairs a blanket and food. When I told them we were going my s was good with it.
D: Iím not going
M: d it will be fun
D: you canít make me go.
M: I would really like for you to come it will be fun.
D: itís boring and I am not going
M: I would leave you home but we will be gone for about 4 hours. I canít leave you home by yourself for that long.
The place was 45 minutes away and had to stop for food thatís why i would be gone for 4 hours.
D: I donít care Iím not going.
Well this went on for about half an hour. To the point I had to start to really yell at her because she was not moving. And I took her cell phone away for not listening. Iím telling everyone on the board if I would have been gone for only an hour I would have left her home. Also, I would be getting home at 10:30 at night she just turned 12. I did not want to physically grab her either because that would not be good, so I got stuck there for 30 minutes. To her crying in the car she did not want to go or be with me!! My d IC told us she is one of the most stubborn girls she has worked with and she has been doing this 15 years. And she told us this is only the beginning, that my d will get more difficult. Canít wait for that.

My sadness comes mostly from the loss of family. Iím not even sure itís from the loss of my w. Yes it hurts, but not as much anymore. I have been meeting a lot of women and now seeing this one and wow. There are women out there that have the same interests and values. My w and I are complete opposites we always knew that I guess it just finally caught up with us. We always thought opposites attract, I guess for only so long.
75 1,595 Read More
For Newcomers
29 minutes ago
Originally Posted by IronWill
Originally Posted by LH19
There is a reason why you don't advise mc unless it's to work on the marriage.


At the very outset of my sit in Sept I suggested MC. It was shot down hard. I never did it again bc she said flat out she didnt want to go.

Your W has shown you by her actions (ring off) how she is feeling right now. There is no "trial" separation, it's just a separation. Doesnt matter if its "in house" like mine or "trial" like yours.

The goal of a separation is exactly that. To be separate. To live alone bc you dont want to be with your partner anymore.

Apologies if it's a bit brutal. I dont mean to offend you, U but it's probably the best way to look at it right now.

Cant tell you what to do, but if it were me I would inform the MC at the next appointment that "I see no point in going to marriage counseling if we are not going to work on the marriage, however I will continue to go to IC".

Quote

Unfortunately you went from one limbo to another. If you can keep your expectations low I think you're heading in the right direction.


After 11 months of this, i have come to realize that as long as you are standing for your M, you will be in limbo.


IW - Thank you for your honesty, I've said it many times - the posts I like here are the honest ones. I don't come for validation or soft advice. Please don't ever hold back what you really think.

You are 100% right - this is just a separation, no trial.

MC is a bit of a sham. We went last year, then stopped. I asked to go a few times since January. Finally we go, but it is to this guy who specializes in s mediation. He also does MC, but the writing is on the wall.

The MC does help with the kid stuff. That's about all it has helped with honestly. But that alone is worth it. I don't want to play out drama in front of my kids. I thought previously it was just my W being dramatic, but I've learned that sometimes I trigger her and I've learned how to communicate differently and avoid triggering her. That's all fine. If it is good for my kids, great. I'm okay approaching MC as "learning how to operate better within a relationship" rather than "how to fix things with my W in particular." --- for awhile.

I could go on and on with reflections about limbo. Your comment about standing and limbo made me think...

Limbo, divorced, separated, reconciled, married -- these are all States of the MR. True detachment involves no longer self-identifying with the State of your MR. That includes limbo.

We react to limbo with aversion. We push it away. We say "I hate limbo, but I am standing for my M so I guess I am stuck here." Aversion itself is a signal that we are not detached.

Maybe there is a different way to view limbo. The universe has a way of creating situations that force you to tackle your shortcomings.

I don't know, I'm rambling incoherently. I have the advantage of physical separation now which helps me have some space away from the daily tension. Limbo feels like a form of attachment. If I remove my W from my thoughts, there is no limbo, there is just me, living my life the best I can, working on myself. Spend a day completely forgetting about my MR and limbo dissipates into thin air. Those are the best days.
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For Newcomers
33 minutes ago
Hi Oz, I just want to stick my head in and meet you. I've read your story, and it is absolutely heartbreaking. You were like a man trying to swim to save his own life, and then you met this girl who was drowning in her own sea of childhood issues. You grabbed hold of each other. She was the first person who made you feel "good enough". As you said, she was your "first" in many ways. IMHO, that factor adds a lot of extra emotional drama for you, b/c you can only imagine your life being over if the two of you broke up. Perhaps after your ordeal with brain cancer, you see your W as your emotional breathing machine that keeps you alive. You are dependent on her to stay alive.

You are not a loser, Oz. You survived a narcissistic mother and absent father. The people who were suppose to be your leaders during your childhood were sorry excuses for teachers/coaches. Constantly feeling you are not good enough will make you have an inferiority complex. Many things happened at a rapid speed once your W came on the scene. The two of you have had to deal with incredible challenges in such a short span of time. FWIW, my heart goes out to you. I don't know how helpful I can be, and I don't know if I can add anything to the advice you've previously received. I don't know much about autism. In reading your threads, I think I can see how you would feel overwhelmed and confused by many posts. Most posters (men, in particularly) don't write out long explanations, and if the newcomer doesn't grasp the interpretation.......the become more confused, and it does sound as if they are getting conflicting advice. So, don't beat yourself up.

Most of us here are in general agreement about the work of the LBS (using MWD's books as basic guidelines), but the way posts are presented, or the timing of a particular post may sound as if we are contradicting each other. I felt that you were asking the board to list (A,B,C) how you were to act at home with your W, b/c you were completely lost and confused in how to behave around her. We can try, but as one poster said, it is hard b/c we don't have a telescope looking inside your house to see what's going on. Anyway, I am going to make some suggestions, and hope it does not confuse more. I don't want to cause you anxiety, b/c that won't help.

Fair warning to anyone reading this post, it is not the usual advice seen in my post, and that's b/c I usually write about wayward wives. At this point, I'm not certain Oz's is wayward. Therefore, I am going to speak as if she is not, until we find out more.

Here are my suggestions to consider:

1. Since your depression is worse first thing in the morning, awake a few minutes before the family begins to stir. Choose something that gives you a clear head, gets the blood pumping, and inspires you. Maybe it's a brisk morning walk, enjoying the nature outside. (It must be quite a culture change moving from the farm to a large city.) How about listening to peppy music? I love songs that lift my mood and makes me want to dance, instead of slumped in a chair. Maybe you like quite time and had rather read one of the books that have been recommended. I don't know your preferences, but I know that you have identified the mornings being the time you struggle the most. So, you have to do something on purpose that will fight this morning depression/dread/fear.

2. When you see your W first thing in the morning, smile and say good morning. It's okay to discuss plans for that day, especially anything involving & revolving around your child.

3. When you leave the house, say good-bye to your W. I recommend this for your situation b/c you have a special needs child. She needs to know when you are leaving, so don't just walk out without saying anything. If you know about what time you will return, you can say, "I'll be home around --:-- o'clock". We don't give that same advice to some other people, but due to your particular sitch, I'd recommend you let her know. It is very stressful caring for a special needs child, and as a mother, I would think her not knowing if or when you will be there to give her much needed respite, would add to the already exiting stress.

4. If there is no schedule in a designated place both of you can see on the calendar, then there should be one that shows when you will be gone and when you will be available to stay with your son while she can have free time. Doctor appointments, teacher/parent meetings, etc., should be posted on this same calendar. Everyone needs to be on the same page. Write on the days you will cook dinner, instead of just posting and saying, "I'm cooking tonight". I think it would help lower the stress level, with her knowing what to expect. If you have a golf, chess, or something else you want to GAL, then check the calendar first. If she has already written in some type of GAL activity for herself, then either reschedule your plans or see if she would agree to reschedule hers. It doesn't hurt to be considerate. Unless I hear you tell us something different, I suggest you show politeness and consideration. That does not mean you become a doormat.

5. If she sends a text while you are working or GAL, I think it is fine to respond, since you have a special needs child. Right now, we aren't certain if she is wayward or not, so considering what I've read thus far, I recommend you answer her texts........unless she gets unruly, or won't leave you in peace to work. Know what I mean?

6. When you arrive home from work, smile and say hello. She may want to talk when you first come home, b/c some women do. On the other hand, she may need space from you and son. That would be a good time for you and son to go off to yourself, or maybe she'll leave for a few minutes, and you can use daddy & son time. However, if she leaves every evening for hours at a time.......then we may have to change this up a little bit.

7. While you and W are home together, try to relax your mind & body. If you want to watch tv and she's in the family room watching it already, just sit in your favorite chair and start watching. Don't change the channels or some jerk type behavior. Don't "ask" if you can sit down in and watch tv "with" her. This is your house, too. Just don't take advantage by sitting next to her on the couch, try to hold hands, stroke her hair, and things of that nature. Don't "watch" her all the time. It's one to make eye contact when she says something, but it is creepy when a man just sits and watches a woman.

8. Don't take things so personally. If she leaves the room to go do something in another room, don't make a big deal about it. Don't analyze it. Just let it go and don't wrestle with the thoughts you create. If she has plans to go out and won't tell you much about the details, don't press her. Don't hover over her. Don't sit and watch her while she gets dressed to leave. Use this time to be with your son, read a book, etc.

9. It's important that your presence doesn't pressure her. If your body language is saying anything close to what I am readying in your posts, then she could feel as if you are sucking the air out of her. She is going through something, and the more you show neediness and wanting reassurance from her, the more she feels desperate to push away so she can get oxygen to breathe. That doesn't mean you are a horrible person. It just means she is going through something and feels you are smothering her. When she is suffering from her childhood physical injuries, don't hover near her, watching her, and looking helpless as she tries to deal with it in her own way. I know you mean well, but right now, it is working on her last nerve, so back the heck off. If it is a new injury, like her ankle she was showing you and saying how much it hurt, ask her if she wants medical attention. If not, then ask her if you can get her an ice pack, medicine or do something to ease her pain. If not, then don't continue pushing the issue. She'll tell you if she needs something. You can show concern/empathy. I'm not saying to be cold about it.

Asking a lot of questions and picking her for information, is smothering her. Trying to help her with whatever she is doing at the moment, is smothering for some women when they have asked for space. You seem to want to work "with" her, but you don't have to work in the same room, standing right by her side, or even working on the same project. Am I making sense? If you seriously see nothing that needs to be done around the house and need her to explain what she needs help with, maybe you could suggest a "Honey do" list. Then she could keep the list on the frig or wherever, and add to it daily. That way, she doesn't have to get irritated with you that she has to point out what needs to be done.

10. If she has not asked for a separation or divorce, and if she is not sleeping separately from you, and if she's not in some type of an affair.........I would not jump into drastic LRT yet. Now, if she bullying you, showing disrespect, acting as if she has a sense of entitlement......then we can discuss how to respond. I don't remember anything jumping out at me that suggested she was. With that said, I am not saying you should throw yourself all over her. Respect her wishes and give her breathing room. Your near escape with death has left you very clingy and fearful of losing your emotional breathing machine......which is your W. Women are strong in many ways. Some are even stronger than men. However, when her H becomes too emotionally draining or demanding of her, there is danger in her getting really tired and irritated with him. She feels he's drained her dry, and she needs a man who can stand on his own two feet without her having to emotionally nurse him. The level of sexual attraction/desire begins to drop. Her feelings are affected b/c her respect is slipping. It's how women are wired when it comes to our H. We are usually nurturing & emphatic creatures, and we can show plenty to our H.......up to a point. You see, we need our H to be emotionally stronger than us. Women are very emotional beings, and it is difficult for us to put those thoughts and feelings in categorical terms like men do. Everything is tied together and effects us emotionally, and eventually, physically.

I believe this M can be saved, Oz. I think it needs lots of help from professional sources. I would say the majority of the board members are not qualified to give you & your W the type of help you desperately need. We only have one side of the picture from you. I understand what it is like to only have $20 in the bank. I've been there! It would make me so angry if someone suggested I do this or that, when we were almost destitute. As Steve pointed out, there are free programs out there. It's often based on your income, but there are other avenues to check out. If she is an atheist and wouldn't receive spiritual counseling, then check with your son's school and see if there are counseling programs for the parents. Some schools offer respite programs for the parents, where the couple can have an evening out alone, or take a weekend away, etc. With all that's been going on since son was born, the two of you probably haven't had many date nights.

Both of you have issues that go deep before you ever met. Apparently, you got a sorry counselors who gave you no help. There are several out there, but there are some highly qualified, as well. You just have to keep trying until you find the healthy source that teaches you and W how to cope with these problems the skills needed to repair damage in the MR. We can give you support and do our best to help. However, the more different sources you hear, the more you may become confused. You see, everyone doesn't give the same advice on the board, in books, in churches, or in offices of various therapists.
9 68 Read More
For Newcomers
40 minutes ago
During the conversation last night my w made reference to our wedding rings and a necklace that had the family four birthstones. She took hers off and left them in plain sight in the bedroom. I could no longer continue to walk by and see them, so I put them in a safe place. At that time I took my ring off. She told me that she noticed I was not wearing my ring. I acknowledge her observation. I am going to bring her jewellery back out and place it her dresser . She told me she would like to wear the necklace again but made no mention of the ring.
I think I will also put my ring back on. Not immediately but within the coming weeks. Is this wise?
11 207 Read More
For Newcomers
1 hour ago
Yeah be careful here. I am sure anything she spends towards the house in this scenario will come off any monies you receive from the sale. Listen to your L regarding all of this. I am just a logical layman!
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For Newcomers
1 hour ago
CW - I have to agree with Steve here on every point. I know I make a lot of light-hearted comments about the roller coaster. I still remember your post where you said your average happiness without her was better than with her. Consistently. That was a couple weeks ago now. Nothing you have posted since has changed my opinion. She has you buckled in and riding it more than you think.

Agree with Steve adding some IC to your gameplan is a good idea. I also agree with the one you dropped - some IC's will not challenge you. This one did and I wish more ICs did so.
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Surviving the Big D
1 hour ago
Thanks KML. I really hope so. So far everything has been absolutely perfect. Heís calm, patient, intelligent, passionate, and believes in love and marriage. I just really like being around him and the feeling is mutual. I just have to give it time to really know who he is and vice versa. Itís really exciting but also scary. Itís so different to have passionate feelings at this stage of life because you are slowed down by children and day to day life Versus college when you just hang out with the person every second you get. We both would love time together and itís just not there. I feel so lucky to have found him but I know that itís early and anything can happen and reveal itself. On my end, I know myself and I know Iím a loyal and committed person and it seems like he appreciates and is looking for that. Iím a bit younger then him and he loves my look. So that feels good too. I do worry about guys loving me for who I am
52 1,204 Read More
Midlife Crisis
2 hours ago
bttrfly - I defer to DnJ for all things fire pit and well but do know that a common thing at least here is to use an old wheel rim as the basis for the pit. It helps to keep the fire contained, the sides firm and weed free. Also check your local bylaws. In my village we can have a fire of up to two feet in diameter without getting a permit. A local auto-wrecker or garage could probably get you a rim for cheap / free.

You can get a hand water pump for about $50 from Amazon or wherever. Just make sure it's an actual pump, not "decor" and is rated for the depth of your well. Run a plastic pipe of the right diameter from the fitting on the bottom of the pump to within 6" of the bottom of the well and put a check-valve (to keep the water from running out - standard hardware store item) on the bottom. Pipe clamps to hold everything together. Easy peasy. If your area freezes then you'll want to remove that pipe and drain the water out of the pump in the winter. The pump itself is bolted to the top of the well head.

They actually work rather well. I remember the one at the one-room school house my siblings went to (yeah - I'm old wink ) could fill a bucket rather quickly.
65 1,507 Read More
For Newcomers
2 hours ago
One of the things I did that sobered my WAW/WW fast was contact a lawyer. The "quick and easy" D is a delusion of the WAW/WW. Don't fall for it. Think logically, not financially. People make terrible decisions in the name of trying save a buck. D is expensive no matter which way you go. Get a lawyer and make sure your bases are covered.
89 1,398 Read More
For Newcomers
2 hours ago
Thank you so much for your responses. It is so nice to still have people reading my posts even though the worst of it is over and now I am just navigating the singles scene and trying to stay true to myself.

Yail...doing nothing is something Iíve gotten pretty good at...lol. So, for now, it is my likely course of action. Jack has some big decisions to make at the end of the summer which will likely affect our relationship. Heís hoping to move to my area but may not be able to depending on where he finds work. If he ends up living closer, I think the course of our relationship will become clear. I feel like both of us are holding back a bit until then as not sure either of us would want to do the long distance thing if he ended up on the mainland.

DnJ...you always have such insightful things to say along with some sound advice. Thank you for always taking the time to read and respond with such careful consideration. You are such a gift to this forum! I do like Jack. I like him a lot. I think I am holding back because of the possible time limit on our relationship and also I am unsure as to whether our lives would blend well long term. He is definitely a go with the flow kind of guy. It seems to have been his primary way of being in life as he has managed to make it to 38 years old without having any significant long term relationships, no kids and very little debt. On one hand, it is kind of nice not to have to deal with angry exes or childcare schedules. On the other hand, it is also a bit concerning that he is pretty much living his life like someone in their mid twenties which is a pretty far cry from where I am at. While our differences are not deal breakers short term, I do question whether or not they would spell the end of us long term. Ultimately I do see myself eventually being in a LTR for the remainder of my life so how much of myself and my time should I invest in a R with someone who is so different from me. But then again, how do I break up with someone that I love being around so much? So I think you are right about me wanting a direction...just not sure what that is yet. I am hoping it will become more clear over the next couple of months. It is a good thing for me, I think, to practice patience and not push my chips all in. I do need to put a few more in though at some point. smile

Funny about the texting issue that we have. I think maybe he sensed my struggle on the weekend as yesterday he texted me a lot and his responses were pretty quick. We didnít text about anything of consequence but it was nice to have a dialogue without hours of time between responses.

Anyway...gotta jump in the shower and get ready for my day. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. (((HUGS)))
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Surviving the Big D
2 hours ago
Well, DnJ, maybe he is, maybe he isn't but I think KML is right: I want someone who is actively saying HEY I"M INTERESTED! instead of leaving me guessing so I'm going to keep my cards closer to my vest and keep all options open.

House-wise, we are actively working on the punch list items. Painter and gutter guy both did their thing today. Granite guy and electrician due in tomorrow I may actually have a washer and dryer hooked up by the end of the week! ! ! ANNNNND .... bigger news: I finally have the Cert of Occupancy. WOOT! WOOT!

Had to get up at 2:30am to drive my son to the airport. He's off to the left coast to visit his father. His father who wouldn't share with me the travel arrangements ... despite me sending him a text asking as son wasn't sharing them either, then him acknowledging the text and saying he assumed our son had given me the info. Crickets to my text back saying no son had not done so and would he please send the info along.

Well, I now know why radio silence prevailed: the flight out was for 6am, and I get the honor of picking up son at midnight on Sunday/Monday. Assuming his flight isn't delayed. We live at best an hour plus from Logan/Bos. In fact we're much closer to TF Greene in RI. Guess saving money is more important than consideration. Yeah, I'm bitter - son has to be up for work Monday morning by 6:15am. We - at best - won't get home until 1:15. That is just crap. He knew it and didn't want to risk an earful from me. I'm also well aware that I'm not talking yet about what a Total PITA it is for me personally, who is an early to bed early riser kinda gal. I don't expect consideration for myself from the man who broke all his vows and promises, but for our son? Hello? Bueller? Bueller? What a putz. Nothing's changed here, nothing to see, move it along.

Personally, I'm writing what is known as a "4th" step on relationships so I can get all the residual exh crap out and move on more fully with my life. Deadline is Aug 7th. It's coming out so easily that I know it's time. Made some good progress, see some interesting patterns I'd like to not repeat.

It's pouring here. I have some chicken in the slow cooker for soup stock. I'm going to toddle off to work now. I'm pretty tired, but napped from 5:30-6:30. Want to get in and get home as soon as possible.
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For Newcomers
2 hours ago
FOCUS ON YOURSELF!!

Every post is about her.

So what are your plans? GAL plans?? How are your 180s coming?

You need to detach and get out of this unhealthy codependency or you will be emotionally crippled for life.
15 138 Read More
Midlife Crisis
2 hours ago
Thanks Peace. That notepad is a good idea-I always seem to have a fit at 3 or 4 in the morning.

I am sure to workout daily, going to start meditation.

Yes, all his divorced co-workers seem to be egging it on. One even suggested he sign up with Plenty of fish because there's lots of "horny 50 somethings". Thanks guys, for dragging him into your vortex.

I know our old relationship is over. I just hope there's enough left to bring him back at some point. I've acknowledge my contributions to our issues, and am more than willing to work on it-in counselling now.

Grieving....I'm like a giant walking bleeding heart. Trying though-I have things to do today, hair cut/style colour tomorrow, Friend's at the lake on thursday. That's as far ahead as I go.
14 166 Read More
Midlife Crisis
2 hours ago
Alanon is a 12 step program
You can hear a few meetings online
they run all day at specific times
check on line doe times and information if this seems like it may help you
it may help you deal with the drinking going on with your daughter-
and also give you support and ideas with your spouse

I would definitely moniter any finances as this girlfrind /OW may be a scammer as she has too many men

but whatever the issues the solutions seems the sam
detach
take care of you
rest, sleep, share and heal
5 78 Read More
For Newcomers
3 hours ago
113 969 Read More
Midlife Crisis
4 hours ago
Also, her H knows. Seems I'm last to find out!

Her H is devastated beyond belief and has been following her round trying to get her to change his mind, asking questions, begging. I've had a word and clued him up on how this works............. :-)

K
71 883 Read More
For Newcomers
5 hours ago
Well it's been a few days now. I feel much more settled in my feelings but I would still appreciate advice and suggestions from vets as to where to go from here.

It's very quiet all of a sudden.

H and I have been talking a little more. Or rather, he's been talking and I've been listening. I'm still pretty dark for myself and not disclosing much, but I am listening to what he wants to say. I think he knows I will 100% shut it down the second he gets disrespectful or abusive, and there's been none of that at all - but plenty of reflection from him on why he was acting that way. He doesn't seem to be blaming me or attempting to excuse or justify his actions any longer. Whether that is enough to consider R and starting the piecing journey, I do not know. I still feel very bruised and guarded. He's been very clear that the ball is in my court and where we go from here is up to me. Which feels fair and respectful of him, but also makes me feel a bit pressured.

I have the door open a tiny crack and it feels like something from me is needed before we go further and I don't know what.
1 65 Read More
For Newcomers
5 hours ago
Are you still there Dilly? Often check in here wondering how you are. Hang tight x
61 835 Read More
Midlife Crisis
6 hours ago
Amazing day at the beach Sundays.. Swam, built sandcastles.

Today art class, errands & dance. I inquired about a part-time job D3 & I can do together. One day a week, childcare, at a local gym. Not sure what the pay is, but I can bring my daughter and she gets to play & met new kids. Gym membership included. I know the mommy of 2 that does it. She's making more inquires for me.

I'm feeling good. Things are feeling promising. Putting the focus back on my self & exercising more, even just stretching at night for 10 mins, really helps me feel strong. Making a daily list and ticking things off. Setting goals & doing something each day that brings you closer to achieving them. No matter how big or small. Tackle the task at hand. Get out & do things. And I've been reading. Something I haven't done in awhile. Pick up a good book & escape. Still gardening. Still happy.

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For Newcomers
10 hours ago
Gekko -

It is heartbreaking and frustrating watching kids go through this. My kids are each handling it in different ways, it is really the hardest part to experience and each one has said things that have crushed me. They are also resilient and incredible people.

One suggestion is let the kids pick out stuff for their rooms - decorations, bedding, etc. My kids loved this -- they picked out stuff online, and partly I surprised them. It really helped. It also helped me focus on some positive things during the move.

At the same time, all 3 of mine, at some point, have absolutely crushed my heart:

D3 - often before bed, randomly breaks down and buries her head in the pillow. "Don't leave me, I'm going to miss you"
D5 - "I don't want to live in 2 houses, I don't want to go back and forth"
S7 - "What if mom deletes your phone number and forgets where you live and we never get to see you again?"

I think the best you can do is exactly what you are doing... nothing but business with W, no drama in front of the kids.
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11 hours ago
Steve - Man this post resonates with my day as well.

The ambition can make this harder. I'm also attacking GAL like a maniac - at first it felt great, but now 3 weeks in there are days where it all feels kind of empty. Work, gym, hobby, friends, repeat. I've been throwing in some guided meditation apps which helps. The ambition can lead to burnout. Ambition is great in work, school, etc. - you work hard, you achieve. That's not how it works in relationships, in particular these cases.

One other idea is make sure you have an indoor hobby or something when you are home alone. I have a little project going, watch YouTube videos about it, etc. It can eat up endless amounts of time and tickles the part of my brain that seeks achievement and learning.

What are you covering in MC? I'm just curious. I'm in the same boat - MC once every 1-2 weeks, and terse logistics-oriented texts (in my case surrounding the kids primarily). We have a once weekly phone chat to cover logistics only. MC feels completely aimless - we are working on "communication" which helps with the co-parenting and logistics but addresses none of the actual, ya know, MR. I think human brains are wired for survival - lately my conclusion is that everything I learn in MC can be applied to my next relationship, whether that is with my W or someone else - but maybe that is my brain desperately trying to put a positive spin on things. I definitely don't understand how my path is leading to reconciliation either, but I can tell I'm growing as a person and a father and that's enough for me most days.

I imagine healing just takes a really really long time. I would say I'm sure there is a part of her that misses you, but that is beside the point. If and when she misses you enough, you will know.
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