WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 3

[confusedinpa]

Well that is at least one thing you can stop being anxious about. I am following your story, since it is so similar to mine.

How long did it take for your wife to give it another try? Did you wind up with a separation? (I couldn't find your newcomers story/thread).

Thanks for all your support

[MrBond]

I think you've touched upon something. I don't think your W needs to work on forgiving you. It sounds more like she has to work on her own anger issues in general. You're just the easy target.

That's why therapist doesn't know what to do. Of course your W feels so hurt. It's all in her head. It seems like your therapist should concentrate on that. Your W probably had some deep issues in the past and she sees you as symbolizing that without realizing it.

Like for me, I think I represent my Ws dad who left their family when she was young.

Have her not concentrate on you which is why you need to stop bringing up the R. When she brings up the topic on her own, do some verbal judo and flip it around to something more pleasant. Then you diffuse her anger.

[confusedinpa]

I think I represent my Ws dad who left their family when she was young.

Have her not concentrate on you which is why you need to stop bringing up the R. When she brings up the topic on her own, do some verbal judo and flip it around to something more pleasant. Then you diffuse her anger.

That was the same issue my wife had brought up a couple of sessions ago.

Her dad cheater on her mom when she was 8. Her mom took him back and in the span of 12 months left multiple times, where for the third time as for good. He didn't wasn't involved in the family until she graduated college and was working for a couple of years - just about a couple of years before I met her. Her mom is still in love with her dad (never dated and still proclaims her love for him), even though the dad has since remarried a couple of years ago.

She brought it up once during the counseling session. I tried to say I'm not her dad and she's not her mom. We are us. We aren't like them. It fell on deaf ears and a cold heart.

My therapist thinks this is part of the issue as well. Unfortunately, I suspect if we can't get past this, I've got no shot.

I remember how in the beginning my wife was really worried about being vulerable with me - in fact she made me promise that I would never hurt her like her dad did her mom. I know I failed that promise. I just want a chance to make it up to her.

Very sad and it really hurts me..... just knowing how much she is hurting and I can't help and she won't let me help either....

I do love her now as much as the day I asked her to marry me. Is that weak or stupid? Who knows. I just know its the realtiy

[spellfire]

Well that is at least one thing you can stop being anxious about. I am following your story, since it is so similar to mine.

How long did it take for your wife to give it another try? Did you wind up with a separation? (I couldn't find your newcomers story/thread).

Thanks for all your support

It took 2 solid months of changes before W started coming around. Your situation seems like it may take longer given that my W and I only had issues in the last 2 years of our R.

[confusedinpa]

It took 2 solid months of changes before W started coming around. Your situation seems like it may take longer given that my W and I only had issues in the last 2 years of our R.

Spellfire,

Congrats on your solid and quick work. I'm sure 2 months must have felt long (my 6 weeks feels like a lifetime).

One thing that my wife did say is that it had gotten particularly bad over the last 2-3 years (right aroound my youngest was born). I had also just started a new job where I was driving 2 hours each way - so I would get up at 3:30 AM to go to work and not get home till almost 8:00 PM. She said it really made her feel abandoned as she recognized that I was really tired so I would sleep in till 11:00 AM on Sat & Sun. This lasted for 6 months as I realized I couldn't keep it up and we couldn't afford to move.

I wound up finding a job about 6 miles away but by then the damage was done. Plus my new job I was traveling overseas 1 week (leave on Sat and back on Fri) every 8-10 weeks and there was much more stress/responsiblities. I was on conference calls once or twice a week for 2 hours and on my laptop/blackberry for an hour or 2 every nite after the kids went to bed. This really took a toll as well. Right now my travel has stopped due to the economy so it does give me time to work on me (and hopefull us). I've also stopped bringing my laptop home and I don't allow myself to be on my blackberry for more than 15 minutes every hour (max 30 minutes a nite).

I hope she comes around soon as our custody hearing is on Tues Feb 24th

[theroadback]

I have been following your thread and I was not sure if I should chime in or not because I did not want to discourage you. I say this because I have been in this same situation as you for close to 2 years.

It’s a coaster ride that’s for sure. Up’s and down’s. I am sorry to say that it’s not much better now. The good thing that we are not divorced (yet) and I live in house and I see my kid’s everyday. If it was not for them this would have been over long ago.

I think you are doing well I would not concentrate on the time, I did this all it does is cause frustration.

I still do not understand why waw’s do this, they hold the stuff inside until it’s too late and then surprise you with the D card. Why? I guess only they can answer that question but that would be impossible because they don’t talk.

I had a real bad time because I blamed myself are you blaming yourself?
If you are please don’t. She owns half of this, she chose to hold it inside not you. If she would have came up to you and said ; you are hurting me bad by ignoring me, so bad in fact I get stomach aches ….what would have done? You did not get that chance.

Oh and my wife says all things yours does, cant get past it, I forgive you but I wont forget, I love you but not in love with you. You hurt me so bad I built a wall around me to protect me.

As far as my wife I feel she uses withdrawal as some way of punishment, well I refuse to be punished any longer.

I am not sure what waw’s get out of withdrawal it must be something. That is such a childish way to deal with a problem. It’s a form of running away I guess.

What I feel has helped the most is becoming strong and confident and doing things I enjoy. The relationship is a small part of my the life that is bad, I don’t let the bad upset the good, seems to work for me.

Hang in there you are doing great for 3 weeks.

[confusedinpa]

I had a real bad time because I blamed myself are you blaming yourself?
If you are please don’t. She owns half of this, she chose to hold it inside not you. If she would have came up to you and said ; you are hurting me bad by ignoring me, so bad in fact I get stomach aches ….what would have done? You did not get that chance.
.

This is the toughest part for me. My wife did tell me but since I was in this depressed state, I didn't know what she meant nor how to react

I know it now which makes it even more painful. I can't change the past. I am trying to change the present and future

[MrBond]

theroadback,

Two years?! Wow we could learn alot about patience from you.

If you don't mind me asking. During this period are you and your W sleeping together or being intimate?

My hats off to you.

[theroadback]

We are sleeping in the same bed but no intimacy, well maybe one or two times and the most, but no sex.

We have our ups they are not much, maybe kissing each other goodbye or sitting together while watching a movie, that kind of thing.

Just when it feels like it could go beyond that she goes back in withdrawal like now.
So a down time is like this; her ring is off, does sit in the same room and does not talk to me unless she has too.

I am in LRT, her treatment of me has caused my feelings to change so LRT is easy at this point.

I was real bad at back sliding and talking about R but I have been doing real good for several months.

I have not asked why she went into withdrawal this time, I think it was a because of a post card I got from a lady friend.

I think she thinks I cheated on her, I have had plenty of chances but I have not and never will. What can I say, its just part of my code. I told her this when she ask me.
That is all I can do.
I cant make her belive me she going have decide that for herself.

sorry this so long confused I feel like I am high jacking your thread.

[confusedinpa]

I guess the fundamental problem we may all have in common is lost in trust

I can empathize that it's impossible to love someone you don't trust

I broke her trust by hurting her by ignoring her emotional needs. My wife has told me that she is can't be vulnerable with me as I hurt her so bad. She's said that she gave me all her love and I threw it away. Now she can't plant a new seed of love for someone who has hurt her so badly.

Now she's still angry and we have a custody hearing on Tues Feb 24. We're going to drive down together. Very odd

Meanwhile I'm torn whether to continue to fill her love buckets or not. I still am. Not sure if she feels it

So confusing and sad...