WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 8

[confusedinpa]

Well another one got locked

Here are the links to the last 5:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1702221&page=4&fpart=14

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1712747&page=5&fpart=13

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1719092&page=2&fpart=15

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1726284&page=1&fpart=15

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1732394&page=1&fpart=23

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1741715&page=1&fpart=23

Well another one got locked - we're at the 1 week "anniversay" of where she moved out.

Just as a recap - she dropped the bomb on me that she filed for divorce on Jan 9th. She moved out 1 week ago today.

We have talked/text/emailed everyday since she moved out. She had initiated all the contact each day. I've been struggling with the Dark/Dim thing as last nite she said I was cold. Not what I was going for, but I'm trying to fine tune it.

[confusedinpa]

Not sure if I should have, but I told her that it still hurts to see her and this entire situation. She just said sorry. I told her that I know it's something that she feels like she needs to do."

This would have been the perfect time to end the conversation. You told her how you felt and that's that.

It does get easier and the more you do it, you'll see when to cut things short.

Again, very early in your sitch.

She called tonite to talk to the kids, but I had missed the call and didn't see it until after the kids went to bed. I called her back to appologize and asked if she wanted me to check if the kids were awake. She said no. I was going to just say good nite at that point but then she started talking about her day. I let her go for a few minutes. When she shifted to how much work she had to do tonite to get her apartment organized, I took that opportunity to end the call and say I'll let her get going then and said goodnite.

Afterwards, as I didn't say very much during the call at all, I thought I might have been too cold so I called her back and asked her how her garage sale went (it was this morning). She told me and we chit chatted lightly about that. Then she started to talk about a few more things she was doing tonite. Then we said good nite again.

Not sure if I should have made the second call, but thought I was a little cold again during the first call. I guess what I'm trying to work out is Dark/Dim where you don't say much at all, even when she's talking about her day? During the first call, all I would say was "Oh" but then realized that was exactly how I had been when she felt that I wasn't paying attention to her nor intetereted. Part of my 180, I was interactive and engaged in her conversation. So what do I do in Dark/Dim?

[MrBond]

"Afterwards, as I didn't say very much during the call at all, I thought I might have been too cold so I called her back and asked her how her garage sale went (it was this morning)."

You have to stop the calls immediately. If you don't, how is she ever going to "miss" you. You have nothing to apologize for. If she feels that you were "cold", so what?! Deal with your hurt your own way. She's doing it to continue making herself feel better.

Look at your post again. She's not doing it for you. She's still doing it for herself. If she calls and you miss it, too bad. That's what happens when you're separated. You no longer have to answer to her.

If she calls angry saying that you didn't pick up the phone, tell her sorry but you were busy. It's the reality of the sitch that she's going to have to learn and the sooner the better.

Dim means to not engage all the time. Every time she calls, you're still jumping at the chance. Stop thinking about what she thinks about your behavior. You're going to end up second guessing yourself and end up being so confused that you're going to forget who you are.

[confusedinpa]

She picked up the boys this morning. She had a list of stuff that my oldest needed (pencils, glue, crayons) to do his homework at her place. I gathered them and put them in a bag. She was very talkative about general stuff not kids related. I wasn't sure if I was suppose to show any interest but I did by maintaining eye contact and keeping a positive upbeat attitude

I said goodbye to my kids and went to church

I did yard work afterwards and missed her call. I called when I got in. My youngest wanted to talk to me. I then talked to my oldest. I hung up without talking to my wife

Its the 1 week "anniversary"

So it continues

[confusedinpa]

An odd thing is that my 3 year old starts baseball on Weds (my day). She called to see if I needed her to pick him up. I told her no as I would need to do dinner with the boys first. She said she was planning on going and suggested that the 4 of us could have a "picnic" dinner like we used to do with soccer last year

I told her that sounded ok but would firm things up on Weds.

Not sure if I should have said no. Its hard to be Dark/Dim when she calls/text/emails everyday. I don't answer all the text/emails but do for the calls as I don't want to "punish" the kids by not answering if they want to talk to me

Any thoughts?

[JayMan]

There may be some feeling of "liberation" since she moved out. Everything is going to be rosy for awhile...

I know in my case, W moved out and we did stuff MORE after she moved out. Hindsight being 20/20 - she mostly did it because I paid for stuff, and it made her feel better about herself.

If it were me, knowing what I know now, I'd have said, "No." I would have said that with the separation, and her choice for divorce, then you'd need to start acting like divorced people.
Be prepared for her to be angry and nasty, but if you are calm, sweet, and loving - but stand your ground, it'll come around.

But, you know your wife, and you know her personality. Maybe she's thankful you are giving space, and truly trying to see how you all interact?

Don't you wish you had a magic 8-ball?

[confusedinpa]

There may be some feeling of "liberation" since she moved out. Everything is going to be rosy for awhile...

I know in my case, W moved out and we did stuff MORE after she moved out. Hindsight being 20/20 - she mostly did it because I paid for stuff, and it made her feel better about herself.

If it were me, knowing what I know now, I'd have said, "No." I would have said that with the separation, and her choice for divorce, then you'd need to start acting like divorced people.
Be prepared for her to be angry and nasty, but if you are calm, sweet, and loving - but stand your ground, it'll come around.

But, you know your wife, and you know her personality. Maybe she's thankful you are giving space, and truly trying to see how you all interact?

Don't you wish you had a magic 8-ball?

I'm not sure if the dinner together on Weds is financially driven as she knows I will just likely pick up pizza. Maybe I'll ask her to supply the drinks if I pick up the pizza....

I wound up calling my boys to say goodnite. She didn't say much but both my boys really chatted up a storm. They seemed to have a good day as she took them to the park - I was surprised as she never had when we were together. I'm sorry I missed it.

Does anyone else have any thoughts on sharing a pizza before the baseball game? It will be at the park. I'm worried it may confuse the kids. It will be awkward if I tell her no as she will be there as well. So confused....

[MrBond]

Go ahead and share the pizza. It's what going dim is all about.

The part that you should stop is accepting every call she makes to you. That's where you go dim/dark.

When she starts talking about her day, tell her you're busy or that you're on your way out. If she asks where you're going, don't tell her. Just say "with friends". That's how it works.

[confusedinpa]

Go ahead and share the pizza. It's what going dim is all about.

The part that you should stop is accepting every call she makes to you. That's where you go dim/dark.

When she starts talking about her day, tell her you're busy or that you're on your way out. If she asks where you're going, don't tell her. Just say "with friends". That's how it works.

During the week - when I know the kids are in school - I've been waiting to answer her text/emails and usually not every single one. When she does start talking about her day, I've been trying to get off the call pretty quickly as usually it sounds like her day is busy so I would say - sounds like you've got a lot going on so I'm going to let you go. Perhaps I should say, I'm in the middle of something and need to get going.

The conundrm that I'm dealing with is in the past I didn't express any interest in what she had to say, so part of my 180 was to show interest (i.e. not be cold). How do I do dim/dark without her thinking that my 180 was just temporary?

[confusedinpa]

Got a couple of emails from her today. First one was a forward of a electronic coupon for a resturant that we both like - not sure if she is expecting me to invite her for lunch/dinner

Second one is asking to meet me at the house so she can grab a couple of things (ice pack for my 7 year old's lunch box and some more blankies for my 3 year old). I'm torn whether to meet her there or just let her go by herself.

Any thoughts?