Hi all. I have spent the last 4 months over in the Separated forum. I realize my sitch was much, much shorter than most, and I have tremendous respect for those who are into this for such long periods.
Near the end of our separation, I had reached the point where I was OK with it, and had decided to move forward with my life, for me. I had 'released' my W from feeling any obligation to return home, and she had released me; in fact she told me to please start dating other women!
However, for whatever reason, a lot of thoughts and perceptions suddenly gelled for her one afternoon, and she suddenly asked herself "what the hell am I doing?"
That evening, she called me, crying, and asked if she could come home.
That was a week and a half ago, and we are so happy, and so incredibly great together. No rose-coloured glasses here, just reality - we are talking about this, not all the time, just casually as it comes up.
We are giving each other space, and we are enjoying our new marriage to the utmost.
She had fallen out of love with me, told me in plain English that "she did not see me in her future".
She says "I Love You" to me every day now, and we are definitely in each other's futures.
I am here to say, that even when it looks bleak, it can still work out for the best.
Here is my story:
Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3 Thread #4 Thread #5 Thread #6 Thread #7 Thread #8 She wants to come home!
I get the warm fuzzies with your sitch. Even if mine doesn't turn out like yours, you give people hope.
Nine threads ... ending with "She wants to come home"! I think that says it all. Yes, patience is so important (and so incredibly hard)!
Congrats and welcome to piecing!
Minkerman,
I have been reading your posts - you are definetly giving me hope. Don't know how you did it, I can only hope it is four months, but am afraid she may never come back to our R. Please keep posting, you are amazing and just a vision of a rock.
CBK
Oh my gosh MM!!! You are in piecing now!!! You are giving me goosebumps and making my stumach churn with that unbelievably awesome feeling of WOW... Look what you did!!!
Keep us *posted*
(((((MM))))))
T
Congrats ! I'm very happy for you.
So this morning she was very tired (long, hard 10 days for her at work) and consequently she was quiet.
I found it interesting that I find myself thinking she is quiet for "other reasons".
I have to force myself to think of the positives that have just happened. For instance, when she moved out in December, she had to give up her parking spot in our building. Well, last week she put up a notice in the lobby requesting to rent one from any other residents who might have one available. Last night a fellow called, and she answered. Turns out he has a spot available. How long will she need it, he asks. "Oh, as long as my husband and I live here", she said, "probably a few months at least" (we might sell after the summer). I was sitting right beside her. I smiled inside when she said that. She could have said, let's just pay month-by-month. So that's a positive.
Over the years I have not been much of a kisser. Recently, I have changed my tune, and I really enjoy it now. So, I leaned over and kissed her very softly last night for no reason...she smiled and said "where have you been all this time?"
Also, she said ILY when I left for work this morning.
I need to realize that coming back to the marriage took a ton of courage for her - she had given up on us. I hadn't. Therefore, I need to take things R E A L L Y - R E A L L Y - S L O W L Y.....
As I suspected, the problem was all in my head. All is well!
I went out to dinner with friends last night (was planned weeks ago), and coincidentally she did too. After dinner, I called W and asked if she'd like to leave her car at her friend's place and we could drive home together. "Sure", she said, "come on over for a visit with <her friend> and we can drive home after that".
We ended up having a nice visit with her friend, then we went home...I was treated to a couple of hugs and kisses at stoplights.
I drove her back to her car this morning and we both went to work.
She said she is really looking forward to the weekend; we are going to finish putting all her stuff away in our apartment, then we are going on a harbor cruise, then to the aquarium...tourists in our own city.
I am putting virtually no romantic pressure on her, I am just being affectionate without going obviously overboard. So far, so good.
As I kept reminding myself while in the "Separated" forum - this is not a sprint, it's a marathon!!
Mink well done
You are right about not getting too worried if she goes quiet , could be many reasons. Show your support but avoid the " whats wrong ??" .
What you need to do is as it has been all along , how you behaved while separated is your blue print for the future. Its what attracted her back its what will keep her with you.
My sitch has crashed and burned a bit , when I have time I will update my thread.
Take care
Dave
Hi Mink,
Just wanted to stop by and see how things are going. It sounds really great to me. You've done such a good job keeping balanced in all this. I've been thinking of you and your W. and sitch lately and it is heart-warming to read a story of reconnection. Yes, it has taken a lot for your W. to come back. And it has taken a tremendous amount of love and holding a space from you.
I wish you both continued going forward in this direction. Well done to both of you.
Purr
Thanks Purr! I appreciate you reading and commenting on my crazy story.
Amazingly, things are going extremely well. It appears that my divorce is busted, and I have my sweetheart back!!
Our motto:
COMPLACENCY IS THE ENEMY!
We are being very conscious of what got us to the point where we had to separate. Complacency and boredom were the big ones.
We are one of those fortunate couples where a separation was needed, to get us back on track with what was important. In the book "Getting Back Together", this is discussed at length.
I am being very aware of what has worked for us, and what hasn't.
I am being attentive, but not smothering.
I am being lighthearted, but not 'forcing' humour into every situation.
I am balancing asking her what she'd like to do, with being decisive myself.
I am not overdoing the "I Love Yous"...I think we're close to 50/50.
I am still playing in the band, which gives her at least a night a week away from me.
She was picking out new accessories and furniture for the apartment over the weekend.
So...I think it's looking good for the future. We're back, baby!
Hi minkerman,
I haven't posted to you before, but I just wanted to say "hooray!" Things sound great. I will try to get caught up on all of your old threads, but I was wondering what the difference was this time vs. the last time she came home. Why do you think it didn't work the first time?
Things are still very good, with a few slight ups & downs. I find that she is sometimes quiet, and I keep assuming she is thinking of "us" in a negative way. I think that is because, although I try really hard, I keep thinking a shoe is about to drop. I know that it is simply a matter of trust and it will take time to come back.
This morning, she slid over to my side of the bed and cuddled up to me, so I put my arm around her. We laid that way for about 20 minutes, and it was so nice.
Then we kissed very nicely for a couple of minutes, which was awesome...initiated by her, BTW.
So, the "good signs" are there, the "bad signs" are few and far between, and things are mostly going well.
It is interesting that she is not wearing her ring, although I suspect it is because it is the only piece of gold jewelry she owns...everything else is silver or white gold. I'm not too fussed about it, I'll wait a few weeks before mentioning. A marathon, not a sprint, remember?? ;-)
It is interesting that she is not wearing her ring, although I suspect it is because it is the only piece of gold jewelry she owns...everything else is silver or white gold. I'm not too fussed about it, I'll wait a few weeks before mentioning. A marathon, not a sprint, remember?? ;-)
Hi m,
My h, who has been home for about a month, is also not wearing his ring. It still makes me sad whenever I look for it, but I haven't mentioned it since he first said he wanted to come home. I'm going to wait a bit longer before mentioning it again.
So, on the drive to work today, I asked her "so, now it's been 3 weeks...how are you doing with moving back home?"
She said, "for the most part, good."
I told her I had noticed a few small signs that she was backing off, like a reduction in the amount of affection compared to 3 weeks ago when she first moved back.
"Hmmm", she said, "I hadn't noticed that, maybe it's subconscious".
She said it could also be that when she first came home, there was disproportionally more affection, and now it's more "normal".
However, she also mentioned that she struggles with wondering if we are just really good friends, or if we actually are a couple. She said we need to give it time, that we can't force it.
It was a long weekend where I live, and she said to me multiple times over the weekend, what a nice time she was having, just hanging out together. We sat in the sun, went out for a few lunches and dinners, went shopping, and just generally had a blast.
Comments? Thoughts?
MM,
Your sitch is so far ahead of my sitch that I hesitate to say anything. But I think it's really positive that you're communicating about all this stuff. are you afraid that "normal" is going back to where things were before? It makes sense to me that the honeymoon of reconciliation would change a little bit after a few weeks, but I don't think that means anything is wrong. I am wondering if you could ask her what would make her feel more like you were a couple, and then act on her observations.
One thing that helps me, is to focus on the moments of connection as opposed to the official definied status of the "relationship". So if you feel like you guys really are connecting (and it sounds to me like you are--esp if she keeps telling you she is having fun just spending time together--THAT IS HUGE) then whether or not you are a "couple" is not so important.
It seems like there is some sort of balance to be struck between being complacent and being over-attentive to every single fluctuation in her attention/enthusiasm for the R. What do you think that balance is?
I'm sure I'm just telling you stuff you already know!! I am sure those who are already piecing will have much better things to say!!! Please feel free to ignore everything I'm saying!!!
(((((((MM))))))))
you are a true inspiration!
TRANSFORMER
Don't you have to be really good friends to be a couple? I don't remember the beginning of your sitch, but would it be safe to say that you guys weren't really good friends for a few years? Not that you had to dislike each other, but you obviously drifted away from each other. I see the good friends as the necessary path to couple-dom. You build that really strong foundation before you become a couple.
Hi Mink,
Sounds to me like this is par for the course. I think you are both readjusting to things and gradually transitioning out of the honeymoon phase. That's normal from everything I've heard and read. She sounds like overall she is feeling quite grounded and stable in the big picture--certainly more so than before.
I think it's good that you guys are able to talk about it all as well. I like T's suggestion that you might check with her at some point about her ideas of being a couple vs. being friends.
It seems like there is this thing that occurs in many of the sitches I read about here--about the whole "platonic I love you" vs. "love I love you" issue. I'm not sure but it seems like it is connected with ideas of passion, lust--if those are missing or not front and center, it's almost like it begins being thought of as "friendship". I don't get it, but I'm not a WAS.
Sounds like it's moving well, MM, and you're doing great. Keep going!
Purr
Well, we had quite an interesting evening last night.
Turns out that my comments really bothered her, all day. She considers herself a very affectionate person, and it bothers her tha she is not 'naturally' being affectionate with me.
We talked about it at length, and came to the conclusion that we just need to give things more time, and we need to be aware of what we are feeling, and be willing to talk about it.
She wonders if she moved home too soon...I don't think that's the case, and I can't tell her what she should think, so I just need to do all I can to be there for her, and to be good to myself.
Reconciliation has its ups and downs...I guess this was a "down".
We did watch TV with her cuddled into my lap, and it was really nice, and she did stroke my arms and such, so I think we'll be OK...a bump in the road.
It sure did feel scary when we were talking about it. I was short of breath and feeling a bit stressed.
But it all ended up mostly OK.
Do you know of the dialogging technique?
CW, no, I don't know about it. Where can I find out more?
It's a Retro technique that Sara (I think it was her) mentioned on a thread. Here's what I saved from it:
“Dialoguing is a written conversation technique that is taught at Retrouvaille weekends (www.helpourmarriage.org). Each spouse has a notebook. You decide on a question together. It is usually phrased, "How do I feel about ________?" Both spouses take 10 or 15 minutes to answer the question in their notebook. You are taught at the weekend what kinds of things to say, that is, to talk only about yourself, talk about feelings, not thoughts or beliefs, and lots of other ground rules of writing. Then you exchange notebooks and read what the other has written. You read it twice -- once with your head and once with your heart. And then each spouse takes turns asking the other questions about their feelings. Again, you are taught how to ask questions to elicit feelings, not thoughts.
Dialoguing is a tool that brings couples closer together because they get to understand how the other feels about things without arguing. If you understand how the other feels, and if you care about that person, then you will do things to add to their good feelings and not hurt them.
Retrouvaille is a wonderful program of self-help taught by other couples who have been there, been through the misery of an unhappy marriage, but have healed their marriages. They show you how they did it. Then it is up to you and your spouse to follow the path they show you. Dialoguing is something they suggest you do daily.
I don't know your circumstances Marcum. It is for couples that are willing to go to the weekend with an open mind and a willing heart. (Usually, one partner is much more willing than the other). If you and your wife want to improve your communication, then this program is for you. I can tell you it saved my marriage and changed us as people. We are both less self-centered and just nicer to each other than were before. All married people should learn what they teach at Retrouvaille weekends.”
Wow, thanks. Maybe Retrouvaille is something W and I should consider....
We're registered for one here in July, but it's highly unlikely that I'll actually get to go. People on here, and elsewhere, rave about it.
I know that lots of people do Retro even if they aren't religious, but I'm wondering what other marriage weekends there are out there. Not that my H&I are about to go off on a weekend together anytime soon. Just curious.
Just FYI...all seems back to normal now. We watched a movie last night and just as it was starting, she said "Can I come over and cuddle in your lap?"
I was all over that! But I calmly said "sure, come on over".
She was nice and affectionate with me, which leads me to believe that she did a bit of thinking about what I brought up a couple of days ago.
It felt really nice to have both of us in a positive, upbeat mindset.
In the "ups & downs", yesterday was an "up"!
Sounds nice! It's good that you were able to communicate your thoughts to her so well. Enjoy your cuddling!
And we're down again!
Last night she told me she feels like we are doing too much together...she says she realizes she has a need for "freedom" that she didn't realize was as strong as it is. She asked if I had a problem with her doing stuff with friends or whatnot on nights when I would just be home by myself.
I can give her space, I know that. I really don't have any problem at all with it.
I thanked her for bringing it up...this is good communication!
MM,
I think one of the things we forget during piecing is to continue to GAL and not fall back into our old habits that got us in this sitch in the first place. She should have things that she does on her own and you should too.
It IS good that that she brought it up rather than letting it fester. Also good that you thanked her. You both have to be comfortable discussing your feelings.
The ups and downs are hard to deal with but hopefully over time it levels out.
hi minkerman
just stumbled across this thread. will go back and read your others. although me and w were not physically sep. emotionally we were. then, it seemed like out of the blue, she decided to work on m and work through our problems. of course a lot more to it than that. i can relate to a lot of your feelings about waiting for other shoe to drop. seems my whole demeanor is based on her mood. thats where my gal needs to continue. also the part about affection dropping off kind of hits home also. after w decided to work on m, she finally let her guard down and we talked, talked, hugged, kissed, other things too......but so often when we talk, she feels need to remind me that this is going to take time to work through. i asked her why she felt the need to tell me that. she said because if we move too fast things are going to go right bck to the way it was b4. she is right. so best to go slow. but its hard when things are going good not to get carried away and start going all " melty man" as puppydogtails puts it. hard to be COOL when the love of your life starts to show some interest after being rejected by her for so long. i would love for you to read my sitch but i dont know how to add a link to my post. how do i do that? anyway, congrats on being where you are. sounds like you worked your ask off. i did too, just not for as long. we both have infinite work left to do. kind of scary, but a year from now, maybe all our crap will just be a bump in road. talk again later
just finished reading all of your threads and the last one really brought tears to my eyes as that is where me and w are now. db says that that honeymoon period kind of dies out after a while. probably good. dont get too alarmed.
Good advice above, on not forgetting about the GAL activities.
I am concentrating on that now.
I am also trying to be aware of giving her space when we are together in the house. I go to the sun room to read, go outside to wash my Jeep, or else go play my guitar in the music room for an hour or so. I don't tell her where I'm going, I just go.
Another thing to remember is to keep being the same way I was when W was gone. That got us to this point. I can't relax my diligence, or else I might slip back into my old ways. To this end, I make the bed every day, I do my own laundry, I load and empty the dishwasher. All things she used to do. Doing these things reminds her of how self-sufficient I became when she was gone. I know she likes that, she told me so a couple weeks ago.
We had a very nice weekend, but yesterday we had a mini-R talk, and she told me she still feels a "void" in our relationship, but she doesn't know what it is. She has no idea what she thinks she's missing, just that it "feels" like something is. I just nod and tell her that I understand...this will take time, there's no rush.
She thinks I am being very patient with her, and that I am treating her better than she deserves...I am being "really accommodating to her" in her words.
That is actually not true...I am just "acting as if". I am being aware of what my shortcomings were when she lost interest, and trying to change those behaviours permanently.
One thing I am keeping an eye on is intimacy. We are not doing it like we were when we hooked up while apart. I know there was a desperation on both our parts back then, and we are a bit more secure now...like I said, I'm just watching the dynamic.
Anyway...there's my latest report from the "Piecing Trenches"!
Minkerman,
I was just about to suggest that you look into scheduling a Retrouvaille weekend when I turned back a page and saw that CW has already told you about it. So I am here if you have questions. It is a wonderful way to find that spark in the marriage again. My H and I had been married 28 years when we finally went. I'd say the spark had been gone for the last 20 years. So neither of us thought we would have very good results. We just went because we didn't know what else to do. It was an unbelievable experience. Not just for us; we could see that the weekend had a good effect on all the couples there. We all arrived on Friday night looking tense and frightened. And by Saturday at dinner time, everyone was walking around with their arms around their spouses. Get that! And all the complaints at breakfast that we had single beds in the rooms! For us the results have lasted. It is over a year later and we haven't had an argument yet. We use the dialogue technique when we see that we disagree on something, and it gets us through it. The website is
http://www.helpourmarriage.org, with dates and locations of weekends. Since it is sponsored by the Catholic Church, it is very affordable. They ask for an initial deposit, and then after the weekend, they ask for a donation.
Minkerman,
I'm new to piecing and noticed your thread had the same title as mine...so i just read it (only the piecing thread). Plus you are a fellow Canadian.
I am brand new here so I will be reading and trying to learn from all of you.
Continued success.
Minkerman,
I always read you, because you are such an inspiration. Congratulations on keeping up the GAL activities!!!! And also the housekeeping!! For some reason I find doing dishes and making the bed to be very satisfying... when they are done, they are done, not like most things in my life
hugs,
T
<Update begins now>
We are having our ups and downs. That is to be expected. It took us years to get to "the bad place" so I expect that if we stick with it, it will take months to get to "the good place".
She still feels a "void", which she can't put her finger on. But, we are going to keep at it to see what happens.
I have recently decided to work more diligently to give her space and do things separately from her. For instance, last night when we got home from work, I told her I was going for a run. I ended up having a nice one hour run along the water, and she had time alone.
She is having huge challenges at work, and in the past this has always affected her mood at home. It is no exception now! She is not sleeping well, and she is very quiet. But she tells me it is because of work. That is all being sorted out today, once and for all, so we can get that behind us.
I have also taken a look in the mirror. I realize that her comment from a week or so ago, about me being "very accommodating" to her, is something I need to listen to.
I am definitely being too nice of a guy. It's my nature, unfortunately, but right now it is not helping the situation. She needs me to lead, to be decisive, to man up. So, I am thinking of ways I can still be nice, but with an edge. This will be a mini-180, and I'm looking forward to watching for results.
When they say you have to keep DB'ing after you get back together, it is true. Maybe not forever, but for now.
<Update ended>
Hey Mink, just wanted to say congrats and keep up the good work. I was following your sitch months ago back when I first separated with my W and feel a smart, dedicated DB'er will always find places to put DB principles to good use even in a strong, healthy marriage. Keep on busting, Diehard.
<Update begins now>
Well another week has gone by. We have had one good talk a few days ago, where she asked me my thoughts on why she wasn't "overflowing with joy" at being together.
I said I thought that our love was mature enough after 30 years, that "overflowing with joy" may not be a reasonable expectation. I said that spending time together and enjoying each other's company while pursuing both common and individual interests is what I envision as being together.
I have made sure to give her space, sometimes a challenge in a 1200 sq ft condo!!
When she first moved back, it was agreed that we would start changing up our leisure activities to include things like hiking, rafting, wine touring, etc, to stop us from being so boring all the time. However, due to huge changes in her job, she has been exhausted every day, and doesn't feel like doing much other than relaxing on the weekends. It has affected her mood somewhat as well. Well, she has given her bosses an ultimatum, and she will find out Monday whether they will go for it. In the meantime her mood has improved. I think this is due partly to reading the riot act to her bosses, and partly due to our talk.
Over the week it seems that her warmth is returning. I am getting hugs, touching and smiles. It's the little, tiny positive steps that I am looking out for...and not dwelling on the so-called negatives.
Plus, as I said previously, I have started to reclaim my masculinity. I am once again being the quietly confident male, who just happens to have a romantic side. This is how I was when we met, all those years ago. She is responding well to it, and this in turn increases my ability to do it. It is once again starting to feel natural, and I LIKE it.
Last night I was out, and got home at 9pm. I walked in and she said "Hey there, you!" I walked up to her and she opened her arms and gave me a nice little kiss, then said "welcome home". As she pulled away, I put my hand in the small of her back and pulled her back to me...then I planted one smack on the lips, said "it's nice to be home" and went over and sat down. She looked at me for a second and then said "I missed you tonight".
These are things that weren't happening a week ago.
<Update ended>
((mink))
Mink,
I think you are right about giving her space, but also making time to do things together. Too often we go in different directions so much, that the us disappears. And then there is nothing to talk about because we don't do anything together. So it's a balance. GAL and GAL together.
That's right, Sara. GAL with my gal.
Hi Mink,
Just dropping in and was thrilled to read the update. It sounds like as you continue the balancing piece, some things are solidifying...slowly, but that's the best way for it to happen. I also appreciate your description of the quiet confident male which is a nice alternative for me to read about as a guy (vs. the traditional Alpha Male concepts, some of which are difficult for me to fully grow into).
Great to hear the news of your update, keep checking in when you have a chance.
Purr
Thanks Purr.
It's my birthday today...the big 50! Really nice card from W, with a warm, very touching personal message written in...."all my love", along with x's and o's and a little heart.
It has been a very good weekend for W and I, some nice, very encouraging R talks and more physical stuff.
At the risk of "too much info", Friday night we ML, and it was fabulous. Then, last night, we found ourselves in that famous number just before 70. Wow, we have not done 'that' for quite a while!
Anyway, she's at school this weekend, and my son and daughter are taking me out for lunch in a couple hours, so gotta run....have a great day everyone.
Happy Birthday, Minkerman..
What a beautiful gift your share with your wife.
*hugs*
I'm glad you had a Happy Birthday! I hope you react better to being 50 than my h did!
I'm glad you had a Happy Birthday! I hope you react better to being 50 than my h did!
I am fine with being 50. In fact, if you were to see me, you'd guess my age to be closer to 40. I do take care of myself, and project a positive, energetic vibe.
Besides...they say 50 is the new 30!
It must be true. I'm the lead singer/guitarist in a rock band, and we're doing Stone Temple Pilots/Nirvana/Alice In Chains songs alongside the classic U2/Beatles/Stones tunes. It's like I'm living in two different decades!
That's a Gemini for ya
happy birthday mm
great to see you and your W solidly back on track .
Dave
Happy 50th B-Day, minkerman. I've never posted, but love to follow your current thread. It lifts me up. =)
Keep doing what you're doing. You're a charming guy and your wife is a lucky, lucky girl.
Wow, I can't BELIEVE how time flies!
Things are still going well, and the times when I doubt her commitment are getting fewer and farther between.
She has decided to quit her mondo-stressful, under-appreciated job. To do this, we need to lose her 55k income, which is definitely gonna hurt in the short term. But to start her new career, she needs to sever the tie with the old place.
This makes me feel pretty good. She wouldn't be doing this if she didn't feel solid about her & I, and about me supporting the 2 of us through this time. Big leap of faith for both of us, but mostly for her, I think...
Anyway, as I said, things are good, we talk a lot, and we are doing things separately as well as together. We are going kayaking on a mountain lake on Sunday (she doesn't know this yet, I only told her we were doing "something" outdoors), and she loves it when i kidnap her for surprise outings.
So there's my update for now. I'd rate us a good 7 out of 10, with optimism for the number to go up.
Mink, I'm so happy for the two of you, and your family as well.
MM,
That is AWESOME news !! I am so glad that the positive changes in your R are giving her the strength and courage to make positive changes in her life too!! And hopefully those two types of changes will just mutually reinforce each other.
thank you always for sharing what's going on in your situation, you are such an inspiration
(((M)))
love,
TRANSFORMER
we found ourselves in that famous number just before 70. Wow, we have not done 'that' for quite a while!
Mink, I was told there would be no math when taking this test. Took me a minute...I'm pretty rusty
Great to see you guys doing so well. I immediately had the same thought when you mentioned her giving up her job...that looks like commitment to me!
We have just passed the two month mark for reconciliation...and so far, things are still going really well!
I just have a couple of minutes right now and will update more later. But everything is good!!
Great news MM! Can you give Stellak over there a pep talk?
Mink congrates my friend!! I remember when you were buying ticket after ticket on that rollercoster and now you can get off it and relax a little. O and if you could stop by my mess aain she is contacting me and I thing Im doing you advise it just would be nice if ya gave it a once over. if you have a e-mail I would appreciate it i have a couple of questions for ya.
Marcum, if I post my email address, I will either get it deleted from the post or I will get banned! Otherwise I would do it.
I'll wander over to your thread and have a look-see for you!
Mink,
I remember reading your posts and...wow.
I am very glad for you. Make it work, make her work for it too. Do not be complacent in this, live up to your boundaries.
Cherish each other.
Thanks Jack....
So, I have a couple of minutes here at work.
UPDATE: She has been more affectionate with me lately. I am not making a big deal out of it. I just smile at her and maybe say "that's nice" when she does something like rub my back when we are watching TV.
We are doing things together, like going for evening walks, holding hands, going to the beach, kayaking, dinner out etc. But we are also spending time with friends, away from each other.
I don't follow her around the house. I don't call her or email her all day at work. I am very aware of the 'needy' type behaviours that someone in my position could easily fall into.
I am playful with her. I wink at her and tell her she looks sexy when she least expects it.
At the end of the day, it looks like we are doing well, and we will be together.
I am thankful for all who listened to my story, and offered advice. I will still hang around, and update where necessary, but I think this divorce is
busted.
I will never take my eye off the ball again. She is too important to me.
mm
Thats so good to read , we love a happy ending or should that be a happy beginning , because thats what its realy about.
Dave
Wonderful to hear! Stick around to update and maybe shed a gem here and there to help others, we need you over acheivers around here
I'll tell all of you MEN one thing.
Yes, DB works, and it is your best bet to get things back on track. The phone coaching here is fantastic as well, so I recommend it heartily, if you can afford it. On second thought, given what's at stake, how can you not afford it?
But I will say this at the risk of getting reprimanded by the moderators, because I don't really see it being mentioned here much.
A man must be a man, for his woman. Crying, acting submissive, submitting to her every whim...those behaviours will make her lose respect for you. I know, I've done it myself and saw the result. Not good.
You can DB and still be a man. Show leadership, be decisive, and be consistent in your actions. You can still admit fault, and still do everything Michelle tells you to do in the book. But you can do it without sacrificing your masculinity. And this does NOT mean being a bully, always being 'right', or any of those ugly stereotypes we all know. There's a difference between being an alpha male and an alpha dog.
There is an author named David Cunningham who will tell you step-by-step how to do this. Google him, you won't regret it.
His principles work hand-in-hand with DB principles, and tell you how to trigger attraction in your partner, and more importantly, the things we all do to kill attraction. No attraction, no spark. No spark, eventually no marriage...if she doesn't leave you, you will end up just being her friend and shopping buddy.
His stuff has helped me just as much as DB has.
So guys...sack up and act like a man. No woman likes a crybaby.
Peace out!
WOW, I can't believe it will soon be ONE YEAR since I started this thread.
The good news: We are still together, still totally in love, and everything is better than "back to normal".
The bad news: None
I am here to say - don't give up hope. Unless you are 100% sure there is no spark, no interest, and you have tried 'everything', including DB coaches, books, changing your behavior to be more authentic to you and your partner - then there is still a chance you can have the same results as my wife and I.
All the best to everyone!!
M
Still doing awesome - no bumps in the road whatsoever!
It gets better every single day.
I am confident that neither of us will fall back on the behaviors and responses that got us to that horrible place where separation was the only option.
Not saying every sitch can be turned around, but for those where there WAS a deep emotional connection and it has been lost, well, sometimes those dying embers can be fanned back into a flame.
Hang in there guys and gals.
M
What I said above ^
Things are better than good...we are in LOVE, baby!
I just spent an hour reading a bunch of my old threads - I was in rough shape back then. But, I got a lot of support here, which I appreciate more than I can say. Thank you.
The communication is fabulous, the sex is awesome, and we will be moving overseas to a tropical paradise in a couple of months. The beaches and palm trees will be a welcome change
I still can't believe that W and I went through this, and came out better for it.
Thanks again for helping and being there for me!
MM
Minkerman!
I remember you, Can you drop by Newcomers and maybe post a little success story?
It is amazing isn't it? There is no way you'd expect for things to be this good, when you first start posting here, and yet, here we are.
I'm going to be the next Minkerman! That's my goal for 2011.
Become your own hero XYZ
Just in case there is still anyone around from (believe it or not) FIVE years ago....
Everything is 10/10. Whatever got into her, to make her fall head over heels into MLC, appears to be gone completely. She is fully committed to the relationship.
Whatever got into me, to make her lose interest in ME, also appears to be gone completely. I am (and obviously, always was!) fully committed to the relationship.
We have moved from Canada to a tropical island, and the change in climate has only increased the opportunities to do things outdoors. Cycling, paddleboarding, boating...or just sitting on a beach. We can do it all here.
The only reason I post this is to give hope to those just entering this difficult experience, or to those who are part way through it and just can't see light at the end of the tunnel.
If you stick to the principles religiously, you CAN make lasting, meaningful changes that will make you a better and more interesting person - either for your departed spouse or for the next relationship.
But the main person you make the changes for is YOURSELF. That is what makes the difference.
Good luck and keep DB'ing, friends!
Minkerman!!!!
Great to get an update from you son.
In fact, I just went and read some of your earlier posts. You came here to this board just a few months before I did. Like you, I won my wife back after going through uttermost Hell. It took me longer than you, but I had a EA/PA to deal with as well as W moving in with an OM.
However,
THIS struck me earlier in your piecing thread more than anything else:
But I will say this at the risk of getting reprimanded by the moderators, because I don't really see it being mentioned here much.
A man must be a man, for his woman. Crying, acting submissive, submitting to her every whim...those behaviours will make her lose respect for you. I know, I've done it myself and saw the result. Not good.
You can DB and still be a man. Show leadership, be decisive, and be consistent in your actions. You can still admit fault, and still do everything Michelle tells you to do in the book. But you can do it without sacrificing your masculinity. And this does NOT mean being a bully, always being 'right', or any of those ugly stereotypes we all know. There's a difference between being an alpha male and an alpha dog.
There is an author named David Cunningham who will tell you step-by-step how to do this. Google him, you won't regret it.
His principles work hand-in-hand with DB principles, and tell you how to trigger attraction in your partner, and more importantly, the things we all do to kill attraction. No attraction, no spark. No spark, eventually no marriage...if she doesn't leave you, you will end up just being her friend and shopping buddy.
His stuff has helped me just as much as DB has.
So guys...sack up and act like a man. No woman likes a crybaby.
Peace out!
I too got David Cunningham's book as a result of Sandi2's recommendation, read it and
religiously applied his principles. I can honestly say that without his material I would never have reconciled with my wife. Not a chance in the world.
His material is 100% DB if you consider that DB is two things:
1. Use what works
2. Reject what doesn't work
I used what worked (masculinity) and did my damnedest to reject what didn't (wussiness, meekness, being supplicating, grovelling, accommodating, pleasing and..... verbal abuse and selfishness)
Great job. Do come and post an update here every now and again.
Best,
GH31
Thanks GH31 for validating my advice. This forum was a godsend for me back in '08, and I am so glad to see that the members are still helping each other in the same way.
I will always feel indebted to those who helped me. I won't list them here for fear of missing even one...but they know who they are.
That's why I feel I must give back. Right now the only way I can do that is to say "don't lose hope" by sharing my story.
Thanks again!
MM
Miknerman- I am going to go back and read your old posts.
What is the David Cunningham book you recommend? I am trying to get my WOW back currently. Been DB for just a week or so. Seems to be some progress.
She doesn't work and wants out of her parents house. Helping her financially / my name on rental application and lease. That place is near our current home where I work a lot in the spring. My new townhouse (eventually a rental property- GOL - build long term wealth) is near where I earn most of my income in the summer. Trying not to be Mr nice guy. I have been too accommodating in the past and going to focus on being more masculine.
Tough to draw that line between nice and alpha but doing my best.
Thanks for the support
Did,
Minkerman hasnt been here in 5 plus years so he probably wont see your post. I think the one you are looking for is the mans guide to great relationships and marriage
Did,
Minkerman hasnt been here in 5 plus years so he probably wont see your post. I think the one you are looking for is THE Mans Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage
Post restored from above