Well, here is Thread #4. I thought we'd be further along by now, but nobody said this would be easy!
In a very small nutshell:
- W moved out at Xmas. - She has since told me that she had no plans of coming back. - Since Feb 7 we have been trying hard to get back to where we can move back in together. - She is still in "her" apartment. - We get along very well. - She has her ups and downs, going from wanting to move back home, to wanting nothing to do with me. - I have been patient. - We date. - We have sleepovers. - We ML semi-regularly. - I have a DB coach, Joann. She is great. - I am DBing my arse off, and waiting to see what happens!!
More to follow.......
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
Tonight: Going by myself to a rock concert. W is semi-amazed that I would do this alone. She sent me an unsolicited email about 2 hrs ago, saying simply "Enjoy your retro concert!!"
Tomorrow: She is coming over in the morning to accompany me to my yoga class. I have been doing yoga for 3 months, she wants to get back into it, so I suggested she come with me. She accepted, then later said "maybe I'll pack a bag and stay with you this weekend". Major reaching out on her part...but I need to be cooooool about it. Maybe go shopping for fresh food, and cook it together, with a bottle of wine and some jazz on the stereo...we both love that, and I forced us away from it over the past few years. Don't know why....
Sunday: Who knows? It remains to be seen if she backs out of staying overnight Saturday. If so, I will absolutely not let her see disappointment from me. I will say "no problem...when you're ready".
I really just want to hang with her, watch some movies, even do things away from her while she's at the apartment. No pressure, just poke our heads into each other's tents for a little while!
I did send her a "Dobson Letter" a week and a half ago. Basically releasing her from any so-called obligation to return to our home and our marriage. She took it well, and we have talked about it somewhat, and I think it has ultimately helped the situation.
So this weekend could be a turning point...or not. Stay tuned!
Jen, I am working totally from memory, but it went something like this:
"Dear W:
Thank you for the call yesterday. You have really helped me get to a different mindspace. I did not realize that you have been thinking of this for the past 12 years...it must have been terrible to carry that around for such a long time. I realize I have no right to assume how you feel, after all they are your feelings, not mine.
I do not want you back in our marriage if you are truly not "in love" with me. It is unfair to both of us.
I prefer that we are together. But at this point it sounds impossible. So, I will not stand in your way if you want to move on. I will no longer expect you to come back, and I don't want you to feel that you have to.
I hope that we will continue to, as always, have a deep and soulful friendship. I will always be there for you.
Much love, MM"
When I clicked "SEND", I lost my breath. But I knew something had to be done to break the dynamic of the past few months. It was moving in the right direction, but she knew beyond a doubt that I would wait for her...there was no challenge. With the Dobson Letter, now there was doubt. Maybe I wouldn't wait. Maybe I would be the one to walk.
We talked about it on Saturday night, as I gave her a nice foot rub. She said "well played". I said, "I didn't play anything...that is how I felt at the time, and that is how I feel now". I continued rubbing her feet. She said, "no, I don't mean you 'played' me...but you knew I wouldn't see this as a release, as a get out of jail free card...you knew I'd stay put". I said "no I didn't...that's why it's more important than you might realize". She said "well, you have set me free, and here I am, still here". I said "yep...and me too".
We both commented on how we could have such a deep and potentially relationship-ending discussion in a calm, loving manner, while I gave her a foot massage. If anyone would have told me a year ago that we could do this, I'd tell them they were on crack!
So...we have made huge progress i think...we just need to get back under the same roof to take it to the next level.
Do you think I am at the point where I should be sending a Dobson letter? Please respond on my thread if you would be kind enough. I am sick and tired of her telling me she does not love me anymore. It may be time to push back.
Treeman, only you know that for sure. I would hate to advise someone to do this, and have it blow up in their face. I will have a look on your other thread now.
Thanks Mink. I think it is time. I am there. This is really hard but I feel that I am really growing as a person. A much better person at that. I had 5 people tell me how great I look yesterday, that make me feel really good. Body is good, now I need to work further on my mind.
Thanks for being there and let us know how tonight goes.
Now I see why you were sensitive about my note about "playing" it well. That was unsensitive of me and a bad choice of word.
Well, just as I thought...she just called, has to skip the yoga class because she is running late due to unforeseen circumstances (send-off party last night for a co-worker, had to leave car at work). She is also not spending the night. Arrgghh. I said "that's fine, no worries, I understand". She said she needed to do some grocery shopping and she would be here after lunch. I ended the call with an "OK, I'll see you after lunch then".
So I thought about it and decided to go on the defense. I called her back and said "would you rather just take the weekend off and not get together? I'm totally fine with that. I don't want you to feel that you need to come over just because you said you were going to".
She said "no, no, I still want to come over, I just can't make it in time for yoga".
Oh, and right at the start of the call, she asked how I enjoyed my concert last night.
She is paying attention to my GAL activities.
But, her pulling back is (once again) not a good sign. We have been here before...I know what I need to do. Be cool, agree with her, don't show disappointment, ZERO R TALK, be a friend.
I will suggest that we watch a couple of movies today...she has been living with no TV since mid-January, I think she may enjoy it.
