Good! Stay on track. by the way, no R talk with the in-laws either!
Assume there is a direct line between your mouth, and your W's ears, when you are speaking with your inlaws. Talk to them about anything except the R. You can say honest vague things like "It's not a very good situation." or "It's tough on both us us I guess." but do not - break down or get emotional - blame her - criticize her - ask for their intervention - profess your undying love for her - do anything else overly dramatic - upset them
They love her, too. Just be solid. Be the man. Be the strength.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
SPM~ Thanks for the advice - I was VERY careful not to talk R with the outlaws. Never once did it come up. The only 'hint' was when we hugged goodbye, we all had tears in our eyes, and the unspoken words were very powerful.
Fish~ Thanks for the kind words. I am repeating my mantra when I start to feel pulled towards her - "detach, detach, detach". It seems to help.
She has emailed me twice since my last email to her, and I have not answered. The subject of one of her emails was a recurring tense situation at work, and in the past I would email back showing support. This time, nothing from me. The other email was just to tell me her ipod was working again. Again, no answer from me. I sure wanted to, but I am listening to you guys. I'm never too old to learn! :-)
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
I invited her out for lunch Sunday, and she gently reminded me in an email that this past weekend we agreed that we were going to have a forced 2 week no-contact period. Other than essential emails and calls, we wouldn't see each other.
I remember discussing it, but not agreeing to it! Anyway, a good DB'er doesn't argue. I quickly apologized and said "my bad". We then had a nice phone call where we straightened it all out.
Anyway, this afternoon we met briefly outside her office to exchange debit cards (we had each other's by mistake). She leaned in the passenger window to talk; she had such a nice smile and she is so @#$% pretty that my heart just melts in her presence. Wow, I can still see her. I feel like we just met. She said "sooo...how are you doing?" in a concerned way (she is worried that I'm not taking this situation well, which is partly true but getting better). I said "I'm doing good! Wow, do you look nice today." She smiled again and thanked me, we looked in each other's eyes for a few seconds then said "well, bye!".
So here I sit...in my PJ's, laptop in my lap, with a nice glass of expensive wine, and I'm going to finish reading my magazine "Best Life" tonight. Just a pampering night for me!
Tomorrow is running, Friday is weights, Saturday is yoga, Saturday night is my yacht club's Commodore's Ball. Get a life? Sheesh, be careful what you wish for!!
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
Minkerman, take heart cuz backsliding is to DB like sin is to the Bible, it's just gonna happen! Don't fret about it, you handled it fine. I know it's tough, especially in the beginning, I'm in my third month of separation and I'm finally beginning to feel like myself again. I'm no longer part of a couple, I'm me now. By detaching and making ourselves into better, more interesting people we actually stand a better chance of winning back our S's. By fretting, pleading and whining we actually work against what we want. So, by GAL'ing and taking care of yourself emotionally you are adopting a no lose strategy. Hang in there!
Thanks wii. I'm not too fussed about it - it's 2 forward, one back, all good as long as we keep moving forward.
I'm going to bounce something off you guys. She knows I did not want her to move out. I wanted to work on things together. Anyway, she felt that she really needed her own space in order to get clarity about who she is and what she wants. So be it.
So, as a mega-180, I supported her move by buying her a hi-tech single-cup coffee maker. So she can have her hot cup of coffee first thing in the morning in 60 seconds.
Today, in addition to swapping our debit cards when we briefly met, I surprised her with 30 pre-measured coffee filter "pods" for the machine, so she doesn't have to deal with filters and grounds.
Am I sending the right message? Am I showing that I enjoy her being away? Or am I (as I think) showing her that I simply support and validate what she is going through?
Thanks for any feedback. I just want her back - but I want her to WANT to come back for real.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
Mink - I'd hold off on the house warming gifts. Just play it cool, you are doing great.
I need to get to where you are now. I have done a HORRIBLE job of GAL. Just cannot get out of this funk. After 7+ years of marriage, my divorce has been a huge blow to my self-esteem. I guess I became a bit co-dependent. Every day I wake up sad, wishing that my family was back together. My W and I did everything together - tennis, dinners, vacations, etc. I have had such a hard time detaching.
I hear you, fish. Detaching is the hardest part...forcing yourself to get busy does help. Less time sitting around the house feeling sorry for yourself. My W and I did everything together as well. That's why this is so hard...it's like losing a part of myself. I only can hope that she feels that too, if even a small amount.
I still have my moments...but I try to keep them to myself. I think about how and where I went wrong pretty much every waking moment. I wish our life had a rewind button. I'd rewind back to about April and proceed to make my wife the happiest, most grateful woman alive. But that isn't going to happen.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
OK, if you are thinking about how you went wrong every waking minute, do some serious thought replacement exercises. It's not good for you to be thinking that much! We should also be careful about thinking we can "make" anyone else happy. There are way too many variables that come into play to conclude that we, as S's, are the sole reason for our partners disatisfaction. Could we have done things differently? Of course, but the good news is we still can. It's not over till it's over, so don't think it to death, get on with living a full and joyful life. Btw, I think you're doing great Minkerman!
Thanks for dropping in, Wii. I know I will get better as time marches on...I am doing better already in fact, than I was even a week ago. I need to get to the point where I can stand back and watch this unfold, seeking every possible opportunity to help her see me in a more positive light. You're right, I can't make her happy (especially now), I can just treat her with love, respect and friendship and hope that she hasn't closed the door on me.
The hardest part of this is stepping back and having faith that this is really what she wants and needs. Everything I previously knew tells me that she needs to know how much I love and want her...but right now, that would be R suicide!
It sure has calmed me down by reading some of the sitches on here, especially the Success Stories section. Some couples have been so much further down the D road, and have regained their SO's trust and love, and then came back to tell us how they did it. Wow, that is inspiration to us all!
