Hi everyone! Phew, that was a mammoth thread. Heres the last...Stuck in Stage 2 !. He was due round today to go find a place to site my artwork in an old chapel...and I just had the most lovely day. Amazing, like old times (although he was still quite closed off and quiet). It was hot and glorious blue sky all day, not raining! He was here 10 1/2 hours this time.. and right at the last moment, standing on the step in the open doorway he finally says something. It wasnt very conclusive either way, I'm not sure what to make of it. Heres the background.. he suggested coming straight over when I called him, so he was here by half 12.
I made us a pack lunch (!) and we went and got the ferry across the bay...it was a beautiful day and a really fun thing to do. Then we caught another little boat, just us two in it and the skipper who was a real comedian! He dropped us in this little creek where we walked and found the chapel. On the last ferry back, a school of dolphins gathered nearby and the skipper cut the engines for ages for us to watch them. It was incredible (this is very rare apparently)! So we had such a special afternoon and I felt really happy. It was 6pm then and he suggested we go to see this huge ship in drydock, so I was pleased he was stringing it out..then he jumped at the offer of dinner and we came home and I cooked a delicious meal and then at 8pm he strung it out further by wanting to watch a film on TV!...and finally said he ought to go at about 10pm.
When he jumped up to leave I must of looked sadly at him. I had been relaxed and chatty all day, we are so comfortable with one another (amazing, to think how anxious I was around him in February)..he hugged me for a LONG time at the door. I clung onto him a bit and did a bit o' neck kissing (its tradition now guys!).. and as we stood hugging he suddenly said:
"i dont want to upset you Al" "You dont?" "No, I dont want to upset you" "How would you upset me?" "I know you dont want me to go" "You do?" "Yes, and I dont want to upset you, thats all" (he hugged me tighter, so I said)... "Well, do you not want to go?" (and his answer was deflated, not emphatic...) "I need to go...I just dont want to upset you"
Then he let go and started saying he would come see my banners when they were finished, he wanted to see them, to phone him. I said, what later this week? He said yes, but, before then, sort out access to the flat and I'll come over (hes going to help me as there is STILL a leak there).. and he carried on looking at me, so I just pulled him toward me again and we hugged and I kissed his neck some more times and when we let go, although it was dark, I'm sure his eyes were red and teary. Then he left.
Is this a bad thing, or a good thing? It felt at the time a bit like the R talks we had before Christmas, when he would say, I dont want to upset you, but this is the right thing for me, hug me and leave anyway. He still showed no interest in me, eyes very faraway. But the hugging went on much longer than before and he did let out another little sigh. So I'm not sure what to make of it? I had SUCH an amazing day though with him.
Ali x __________________ Me: 37 BF: 34 T: 9 years IDLYA: 2 Nov 07 Own flat: 26 Jan 08 Depression confirmed: 4 Mar a flicker of life?
...my friend rang and when I told her she said, well that proves one thing.. he DOES know how you feel about him. You have been trying to think of something to say to him to let him know somehow you still love him and are waiting, but without pressure, well now you dont need to. By saying that, he was acknowledging that he knows you would prefer it if he just stayed and was with you. Not as a friend.
So thats true! Also, this is the FIRST time he has mentioned anything personal or acknowledged this wierd situation we are in, since before Christmas! Thats 5 months. So thats the 2nd thing proven this week.. first, no OW, second, he does know how I feel, which means I dont need to say anything at all to him. I just have to keep waiting I guess?
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
(((((Ali))))) The first thing that struck me is, that as I've said all along, he knows. And he almost got to the point of really talking about it. Be aware, I would not be at all surprised if he pulls back a bit after that.
It's a good thing, you had an amazing day!
(I'm busily trying to figure out which island! I really like the countryside down that way!)
After he said it and we hugged the second time, he reached for my hand and stood squeezing it when he was asking me to phone him, so that was significant. Also, when we talked about money earlier, he started talking about his Dads house and he said " we cant afford.. " and it was obvious that he hasnt cut the ties to me in his head the way it slipped out. Also, there were more references to things we had done together, as we had walked on this peninuslar last summer and he was relaxed mentioning stuff. Also, there were alot of sweet tones, the way you talk with your partner, not your friends. Also, I sat very close to him all the time and stood at his shoulder when he talked to me..I decided to act as if and be in that body zone that friends wouldnt stand/sit in, but he didnt mind (he didnt move away). So thats positive too.
He took a huge interest in the cat again, fussed her the whole time and I finally have "trained" him to help himself in the kitchen and go to the loo without asking permision, so its like he feels "at home" here. He made us cups of tea and helped dish up. It was like we had never been apart.
Sorry for rambling, I suppose its good to write it all down, as I do read back on stuff...
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
YAY Ali! It sounds like you had an amazing day yesterday and I LOVE that we have a list of positives here. Not just that, it's a long list too- I think it seems clear that BF just needs some time to get better by himself and then he's going to be right back at home with you and the cat!
Speaking of which, the first time I read that last sentence I thought you'd trained the cat to go to the loo without permission and help himself without permission. WOW, I thought- Ali is a regular Dr Doolittle!! LOL!
Hi Lisa! My old cat, who I loved more than anything in the whole world (the one that died the week before the bomb) was so well trained that when I said "do you want a cuddle?" if he did, he would stand up on his back legs to be picked up, and if he didnt, he would make a growl and move away from me!!! Amazing.
There were so many positives. The only downside is, I looked good yesterday (!) I had this cute little top on, but it was freezing on the water.. before we got on the ferry, he had worried about me getting cold and ran back to the car to get me his jumper (Acts of Service!) which I did wear (ah, it smelt of him), but I have still woken up this morning with a cold! Blueghh....
Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Hey, I'm caught up w/ you and I can say that your sitch sounds really, really positive. However, I would echo Jeff in saying be ready for him to pull back a bit, but don't be put off by it or hurt in any way. It is the way he's always done.
Also, I would now tell you that you no longer have to worry at all about telling him how you feel. In fact, I would make sure you avoided this subject as it may only provide pressure for him.
I would also agree that you are DBing still, but remember WHY it is that you DB -- you DB for YOU, not for him or anyone else. Your DBing efforts are to get your life in order so when and if you have another shot at working things out w/ your BF, you'll be strong enough as an individual to know you can be alone in this world if you have to.
You will be fine -- just keep continuing along the path you are going. Work on yourself and continue to be his friend, rock and support. That is what he needs right now.
Take care, be patient, and be strong. You are doing well. Time and consistency are what you need now.
Some amazing baby steps! And obviously you don't need to say anything to him, because he knows.
I think you are still pushing him with the kisses and trying to nail him down for when he will call or see you.
Let him set the pace. These are his issues and dilemnas and he can only resolve them in his own time.
Just remember how great a response you got from him when you didn't contact him for a week? He missed you!
I think it's okay to contact him every once in a while, maybe once a week or so. But let him miss you, let him work through his issues, let him figure out what he wants and needs. You can't make the decision for him.
There were some amazing baby steps. He keeps opening up to you, he likes spending time with you, he wants to see more of you.
I'm so happy you had a great day. That sounds like so much fun.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Some amazing baby steps! And obviously you don't need to say anything to him, because he knows.
I think you are still pushing him with the kisses and trying to nail him down for when he will call or see you.
Let him set the pace. These are his issues and dilemnas and he can only resolve them in his own time.
Just remember how great a response you got from him when you didn't contact him for a week? He missed you!
I think it's okay to contact him every once in a while, maybe once a week or so. But let him miss you, let him work through his issues, let him figure out what he wants and needs. You can't make the decision for him.
There were some amazing baby steps. He keeps opening up to you, he likes spending time with you, he wants to see more of you.
I'm so happy you had a great day. That sounds like so much fun.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Wow, what an amazing day!!! I loved the part with the dolphins, and how he wants to see you again later. YOU DID SUCH A GOOD JOB!!! I am reallly proud of you!!!
Just one thing--I'm with Michelle--getting teary when he needs to go and going for the neck kisses seems like Big Time Pressure to me. Can you try, the next time you hang out with him, not to get so emotional at the end, and remind yourself that you'll see him again soon? It has gotta be really hard for him ALREADY, and then to add the kisses and the lingering hugs on top of that, probably just makes it more painful for him. I think it might be easier for him to spend more time with you if he doesn't have to worry about going through the Intensely Emotional Goodbye at the end of each hang out. He already KNOWS that you care.
but most of all, I am just so happy to hear about your gorgeous day together!!!!!!!! and how he kept trying to add on to it and make it last longer!!!!!!!!
