Partner left after 9 years - stuck in stage 2 !

[AliSuddenly]

Oh, they killed my thread after only 10 pages! How does Jeff get 18 ! Hrmmph, bl**dy favouritism... Here it is for anyone curious enough to look...6 months on

So BF drove home tonight. Tommorow he flies to France for the weekend. So, hes getting on with life, as usual. He said last night he might email me today, but he didnt and no text either. Just as I got used to daily contact, I am now getting used to not daily contact. Its disappointing, but I will reserve judgement and see what happens when he comes back. He is working away Mon - Thurs and so back home. If it wasnt for the Cougar, I wouldnt be worried, but I have a horrible feeling he would have met up for a drink with her tonight.. (she is friends with his old work mates, his brother and his W and they all go to the pub after work on Friday nights, so its pretty certain he will have seen her because he would be home by 7.30pm).

Last night he said "guess I will give you a ring next week or something" which sounded a bit non-committal! I forgot to say, I told him Indiania Jones is coming to the cinema here soon and I would go with him as I knew he wanted to see it, loving the originals as a kid (the things we do to win these guys back) and he said yes! and was pleased at the suggestion. So, we have a tentative date for after he gets back.

I worked hard all day and finished screen printing my 8 banners! I showed my parents and their friends tonight and they said it was better than the stuff they saw in the Tate Gallery today! That was sweet of them. So I will be sewing all weekend, turning them into hanging banners proper. And I have plans for a new piece of work for next week (my head is exploding. Thank goodness for Uranus on my Mercury !)...its great to post ideas here, as long as you promise to be honest with me about them!

.. I am going to make a giant screenprinted poster... I have 20 or so sonographs (those little black and white pics of a baby scan).. and I am going to blow these up and arrange them in rows and under each one I am going to put either Muslim, Christian, Orthodox, Jewish, Agnostic.. etc. Make sense??

Ali x
_______________
Me: 37 BF: 34 T: 9 years
IDLYA: 2 Nov 07
Own flat: 26 Jan 08
Depression confirmed: 4 Mar
Stuck in Stage 2 !

Heres the last ones...
6 months on
NFC whats next
backing off?

[Kalni]

.. I am going to make a giant screenprinted poster... I have 20 or so sonographs (those little black and white pics of a baby scan).. and I am going to blow these up and arrange them in rows and under each one I am going to put either Muslim, Christian, Orthodox, Jewish, Agnostic.. etc.

I love it ALI !! (put in a Greek Orthodox somewhere)

K

[AliSuddenly]

I will ! I did put that for you !!! I never would have thought of it otherwise, there are so many religions! Ok, Greek Orthodox and it can be your baby scan. (or send me one of your kids !?) I will use it...

Any one else want to vote for a religion to go on there, just name it!

Kalni...you're still up!?? Are you on drugs !!??

[Kalni]

I may take some to GO to sleep...

What's wrong with me? I am getting worried here. I had this problem 4 months ago...

I need to relax...

[AliSuddenly]

..you're running on adrenaline. Its stress. You will burn out if you're not careful. Dont have any caffeine after 6pm ? Eat earlier, get into a better schedule.. get into bed at a set time, even if you're not tired.. read...?

I need to do the same as I am also all over the place with going to bed and waking up at all times, different every day.

I cant sleep because I am torturing myself with thoughts of my BF drunk, out with the Cougar and her making eyes at him... AARRGHH ! Such a difference to a few weeks ago.. then when he drove home, he phoned me to let me know he was leaving, before he got on the motorway and he texted me to tell me what he was doing that evening. Tonight...nothing.

[transformer]

Ali,

Your ideas all sound so exciting!!! i am so proud of you, it sounds like your are tapping into some great creative energy, and making it manifest!!!! doing your ideas, awesome!!!

I wanted to tell you after your last reply to me, I don't think i"m giving you enough credit. I am excited for everything you are doing. your hot new haircut & color!! and the tennis club, did I get that right?? was it squash too?

keep me posted girl.

About the sleep thing, I think I figured it out. I posted some stuff on michelle's thread a couple days ago about it. But sleeping on a regular schedule REALLy helped, so did getting out of bed and doing something relaxing for half an hour when I couldn't sleep. I honestly didn't think anything would work, but those things both really helped me reset my internal clock, and now I feel much more human.

(((((A)))))))
T

[MichelleLT]

(((Ali))) Hang in there. Your project sounds awesome! I can't wait to see pictures!

I know I've been mentioning this on a few threads, but I bought a herbal thing which has gamma aminobutyric acid (GABA) as the main ingredient. The actual product is made by Gaia Herbs and is called Sound Sleep. It has done wonders for my sleeping through the night. And I feel so good in the morning.

[AliSuddenly]

Thanks girls... slept in till 9.30! I do sleep like a log now, its the not being regular. I used to have such a regular life with my BF.. it was very domesticated and settled I guess. My sister reckons he got scared and for some reason didnt want to take the R to the next level (marriage and kids) and thats why he bailed. It doesnt seem to make any sense. We get on great, he confides in me, I'm sure we are best friends, he thinks I am the most intelligent person he knows, I make him laugh, I'm sure he still finds me attractive... I know I keep repeating myself, but it just seems senseless to me.

I'm concerned he is drifting away from me now, in terms of being used to it being over (he first told his best friend last June he wasnt happy in the R, although he never told me.. so thats getting on for a year for him). He seems so over me to be honest. He goes days with no contact now. He was a lot closer to me a month ago, calling every day, emailing every day. Now I think I wont hear from him until next week - so the gaps of 3 or 4 days will be getting to be 4 or 5 days...its going in the wrong direction !

I guess I never did enough to win him back or make him fall back in love with me. There dont appear to be any issues between us, he just clearly isnt in love with me anymore. If you are in love with someone, you call them, you want to see them, you want to wake up with them...Its not enough to get on well and have "enormous affection" for someone, as he said at the bomb.

Sometimes I wonder what he would do if anything happened to me (the roads are terrible in Cornwall, everyone drives like maniacs at 60mph around the country lanes !) Whether under that circumstance, his old feelings would resurface (dont worry, I'm not going to try!). When he had his operation in October, he was already deciding to leave I think and was very distant.. but when he came round, but still under anaesthetic, the old him was there, the one I hadnt seen since about March.. it was a shock, he was attentive and loving and pulled me to him for a kiss (he was out of it) and telling me he loved me... it was so freaky.

And then when I went in the next day, he was back to his shut off self.

[AliSuddenly]

... I was just posting to Lea and someone said some very insightful things about depression, which really helped. I should remind myself of what went on up until March from when he left me and then it does make sense. Its the bit after that I struggling with, that now he admits he was depressed, how he can still not express any regret about the way he walked out. But.. as for speculation (see above), I cant do this anymore, this strict DBing, no initiating, no asking questions, maybe we are past that point by now. So.. I just sent him a jokey text, wished him a good holiday but also, asked him if he was back home last night. And he replied, very friendly, long text, said he'd call when he gets back and said.. he stayed with his mate last night, who is one of the guys going away with him. So, YAY! Not out in town with the Cougar then.

Once again, the best thing for me now is to try and encourage a little open and honest communication, to be more real, regardless of the consequences (but I am gentle about it, and he ALWAYS responds well to my contact). I cant do the strict Dbing I did from January - April anymore. 4 months was my limit it seems!

In terms of GAL..thanks T, yes, I am trying to give myself credit too! I have a friend coming round in a moment...and I went to check out the Tennis club, but I didnt join yet as it was expensive (and I am beyond broke and now in real danger of getting into trouble if I cant sell my flat...eek)

Ali x

[lea123]

Hi Ali

I think the problem with both our sitches is that our men have depression. Its the whole chicken and egg scenario. What came first-their unhappiness in the relationship, or the depression? My H is now insistent that he is depressed because he is unhappy in the M. However, I struggle with this because he started getting depressed just 4 months after the wedding when he had a really bad experience at work which dented his confidence. I watch our wedding DVD and its like looking at a different H.

Did anything significant happen in your BF's life? Or does he have issues from his childhood etc that may have arisen now? I really recommend the book & website 'Depression Fallout' by Anne Sheffield (google it!). They have a message board which I have posted on and you may find useful. Both that board and this one have been invaluble to me during this time.

I think the contact you are having with your BF is great. He seems very responsive when you reach out, and keen to do things with you. However, another thing I sometimes wonder, is if our partners leave with the line ILYBNILWY (is that right?!) or 'I care for you only as a friend', surely spending months just being their friend is going to reinforce that in their minds?? I am just thinking out loud, but its something that I often think about. Arent we just proving them right?

Hope you have a good day

Lea
xxx