Hey everyone. Heres the old one for anyone who wants to look! NFC!
Well, its late Sunday. I havent heard from him since Thursday now. Thats the first weekend since that first in February when he was first back in touch that I havent heard from him all weekend. I wonder what he's up to. I dont know. I've had a really hard couple of days, crying on and off, huge sobs, like I have gone back 4 months in how I feel. Its a lovely sunny day here and I feel really low, shattered. I guess it looks like whatever he was doing, hovering near me, he has decided to not do that anymore and its over, over.
Cant really think of anything positive to say about this, just wanted to vent here that I feel sad and low and hurt. Its like he's left me twice, which is ridiculous. Shouldnt have got my hopes up when he was so caring when I was ill...
I'm really really tempted to text him to be put out of my misery, but I guess you would all say dont. Ali x _______________ Me: 37 BF: 34 T: 9 years IDLYA: 2 Nov 07 Own flat: 26 Jan 08 Depression confirmed: 4 Mar 6 months on
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Its not really ok though, is it? But thanks Jeff!! Like Lisa said, you are such a good friend, (nearly spelt fiend then! Thats not what you are!) you're always there when I need you. The internet is a wondorous thing. Ok, so dont text him, suffer the agony of NC, of not knowing, just go with it. He may be thinking..he may just be getting drunk! He may have met someone, he may have driven back home to see the cougar and doesnt want to tell me..
Who knows. I am thinking that when I do see him next, I may finally ask him something personal. As I havent done since December, or do a Kalni, tell him I love him, want him back, but I cant go on like this. I was planning to try and say something like that Monday, but its looking like I may not get the chance. Although I hadnt worked out what to say. I was decided to try though, because I will never know otherwise. My weekly stars seem to concur!:
..you haven't expressed your views or joined in making plans. Now, with Monday's New Moon accenting exactly such matters, you must. Say nothing and others will assume you don't care, which is not the case. While things remain loose until later this month, get involved now and you'll not only be there as each new development arises - in discussing options with others, you'll also be able to do a little repair work on certain ailing relationships.
my thinking exactly. Although you cant repair an R with someone who isnt even contacting you!?
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Ali, I understand that you want to ask him things. I don't know that it is a good idea, but I understand. But, even if you decide you have to, wait for him to make contact. You know he will. But, are you really ready for any answer he might give to your questions? Really? Don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answer to. Just think about it.
I cant believe how many tears I have shed over this man, more than any other. Its a well of emotion that so far just hasnt dried up. I dont know how to post a link to sculpture pisc! Maybe I will try and figure that out tonight. I have been working on some new stuff today. I am making banners or flags, with different creation stories (origins of man) from around the world/different religions printed on and hopefully embroidered.
Its hard to do this stuff, any stuff, to get up, go out, bike ride, shop, eat, work, go to college. I was debating caving in and going to the docs tommorow and I have no doubt he would say I am depressed and prescribe me ADs. I've been avoiding doing this, I didnt want to have to take anything, its just a personal choice. But maybe its not healthy to be feeling so bleak all the time and I cant feel any joy. And I am so thin!! I wondered if he had noticed, he hasnt said. Its not nice. I am down to 7 stone 3. I'm eating cake right now and I had a chocolate bar earlier for extra calories. The trouble with me is, when I am emotionally upset, the weight falls off. I hate being thin, I want to be an Amazonian voluptuous goddess! I want I want :-) Thats one thing I definetly cant have though (without the help of lard sandwiches and breat implants!!!)
My aunty phoned earlier, she's ACE. It helped to talk to her and made me feel a bit better. 25 years ago, she was 8 months pregnant with a S2 when she discovered her H was having an A and he left her. 6 months later he wanted to come back, but they never did reconcile. What happened to her has made her wise and compassionate and is far worse than whats happened to me, but she understands.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
You think??? Thanks! I'm not sure it is "Fine Art", more decorative arts, but its art if I present it as such! I have the creation quote from the following religions: islam, christianity, hindu, maasai, aborigine, scientology and science. I've mocked them up in paper and today I bought the fabric. It turned out I've done 7 and I instinctively bought the 7 colours of the rainbow in bright shiny fabric. Feels like it will look great if I can pull it off! Theres an unused chapel in a Manor house near here, where rock stars go to dry out apparently. My teacher wants me to hang them there and photograph it.
No, I dont sell anything! I did another sculpture where I recovered 500 uniform size books in white paper and printed on the spines the names of 500 religions and arranged them like a tower (called it "Tower of Bibles") - was about the Tower of Babel story, that all the different religions scatter us and mean we cannot "understand" one another or speak the same language.
My xBF thought it was amazing when he saw it in Feb, really totally complimentary and of my chemical human idea. Wierd isnt it. He also said back then that I was v smart and smarter than him. He said at the bomb that I was the most beautiful person at his best mates wedding. He told me last summer I was funnier than all his friends GFs, that I was a good person, that he would never let anyone badmouth me, said he was grateful for everything I had done for him...
I will never ever understand why he left me.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Could it be he didn't feel worthy? Or he felt inferior? I'm NOT saying you made him feel that way, but could his own insecurities next to your awesomeness have gotten to him?
Sorry to get you guys back on track, Ali, everything you have told us about, sounds amazing. I am really into this kind of things where art is not just pure abstract things...
Please please, will you sell me one ?(after I see them of course)
K
Can you think about something with theme LOVE (pain, joy, and all emotions related to it?)
