M 16.5 S 13, D 16 (live with mom); SS 25 (lives with me) 11/05 - X files D 7/06 - X moved out with kids (I offered X the house but she declined so I bought her out. Immediately OM in the picture continuously) 10/17/06 - D final 5/07 - X Marries OM
The marriage was rocky for over 10 years. X had an affair with a different OM around 98/99. We separated for 6 months from 6/99 to 12/99 (I moved because of her hysterics and volatility) but got back together. After X moved this time, I attempted to "stand" for the marriage but since coming back to the board 8/06, I have slowly moved from vigorously standing, to remaining open to reconciliation to deciding that I would not reconcile (X getting married closed the door for good).
X and I have been Christians since before we started dating, X has asserted that God has given her permission to D and has paved her way to be with OM who is not a Christian.
My title comes from the Bible verse:
Quote:
Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
I own my part in the demise of marriage but I believe my X had no grounds for marriage according to our professed faith and the teachings we held from the Bible. Yet, I still maintain that God will use this situation to work for His greater good.
Getting A Life The transition from being devastated at the realization that OM was not Just a friend to Standing to Getting A Life and finally deciding I will not take X back has been an extremely challenging journey but God has provided the people, resources total support that I have needed including the people in this forum. My life has become increasingly full, an amazing adventure with blessing after blessing after blessing.
THANK YOU! A huge "thank you" goes out to Michele for making this forum available for us DBers who tried and yet still wound up in this forum. An equally huge "thank you" goes out to the people in this forum who lend an ear, offer sage advice or a shoulder (or thread) to cry on. There have been plenty of very challenging times I have had to go through to this point and this forum and the people in it have helped immeasurably in bringing healing
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
This morning I brought up the conflict with X at my men's accountability group. They brought up some good points and asked if I had met man to man with Mr. X to address our issues, we had not and they suggested I do so. I prepared a text requesting a short meeting, prepared a text to my prayer and accountability brothers, prepared the points I wanted to cover and a scripture. I prayed and then sent the text to Mr. X, sort of like jumping into a cold pool, just going for it. He quickly agreed to meet with me and out the door I went to meet him at the local Starbucks, 5 minutes from our houses (X and Mr. X live half a mile from me). As I headed out the door, I sent my text to my church brothers and several of them texted me and 3 more called me for quick prayer ( a couple calls actually went into voice mail).
When I arrived, I saw his car but did not see him in the store until he stepped out of the rest room (in retrospect I hope he washed his hands ). As we sp0ottd each other, I walked towards him and extended my hand to shake (his hand not his neck). We stood in line and I made some small talk bout the kids, we got our drinks and I found a spot to talk outside. (My talking points were on an index card as was the scripture, both inside my wallet which I place on the table next my drink incase I started to get emotional and needed to refocus.
My goals was to confess my resentment and bitterness towards him, as I had done with X recently and to clear up our communication issues, seeking cordiality, as we had previously had agreed to strive for. I also wanted to, and did convey, that my bitterness was rooted in my knowledge of the phone calls and text messages that were going on back and forth at least 9 months before X and I separated. Additionally, I wanted to let him know that I was aware of his spending the nights at her house as soon as she moved out (nights when the kids were with me). I was NOT going to let him think that my apology for bitterness and resentment that I suddenly realized was unjustified- I was not letting him off the hook. He sat quietly until I pretty much covered the list of things I wanted to express.
The point my friends raised that really got my attention and caused me to reach out to Mr. X ASAP was that he probably felt I was invading his territory, his house, and that he might be subtly defending it, without wanting to look like the bad guy - understandable I thought. I opened up t the topic of being in the house as a possible offense to him, opening the door for him to say yes and even my being willing to not go into the house. My kids would be the ones inconvenienced if it was decided to ban me from their house but that did no transpire.
Mr. X previously dictated that X was not to be put in the middle of working out issues. This raised a concern for me that issues regarding my kids would be decided by Mr. X. Just last week, he sent me an email that came off like a reprimand and I tried to get clarification from X but she ignored my calls. Days later, the email exchange with her unnecessarily got VERY emotional (on her part) and she stated that she did not appreciate being put in the middle.
In dialoguing with him, I concluded hat I would be better off working out many issues with him rather than X because she has a hard time sticking to the issue at hand without digging up hurt from the past. Bethie (or one of you other wise counselors) astutely pointed out that X often reacted and behaved lik SHE was the betrayed spouse. The email exchange I posted at the end of my last thread was typical of our marital interaction for so many of the later years - it was TORTURE
He mentioned other things he had suggested to her form things he had read in books about blended families (showing me he is trying to create a harmonious home environment). He let me know he has advised her to stay out of MY business. He also apologized sensing that his last email came off as harsh. We also worked on future communication goals and agreed on working on road blocks when they occur.
X is Happy Strangely enough, I came away from the meeting seeing how X could now be happy. Yes, this is the honeymoon period but during our marriage, X was been torn by a conflicting desire to have things done her way yet wanting to be fully taken care of including decision making and the worrying (wanting to control things but not wanting to carry the burden of the responsibility). Her paramount concern has always been materialistic security which was accompanied by a desire to anestheticize her insecurities through consumption. She desired the approval of others for her appearance, clothing, possessions, house, car etc. Because of my brushes with death, deliverance from alcoholism and intense encounters with the realities of the spiritual realm, I had strongly desired to be deeply involved in the things of God.
Mr. X is more in sync with her desires than I ever was and X is seeing her materialistic goals realized. As these things come to pass, I sense she feel more secure and is a bit more placid, maybe. Mr. X is not a push over, is subtly persuasive and my bet is he is going to need those entire attributes as the honeymoon period passes. Truly, I wish them well.
Final Thought - FREEDOM I believe I have now forgiven them both. Again, the desire to be bitter may resurface over the past nothing is going to change it. Years of trying to please X got me nowhere. She is no longer my problem and I am at a point where I can work with Mr. X, face to face if necessary. By forgiving him, I leave it in God's hands to judge accordingly AND if he seeks God's forgiveness and it is granted, I have zero right to say anything about that. By forgiving Mr. X, I am FREE!
Who knows if this will all be invalidated by some unforeseen, unthinkable act on their part but for now, the situation is better than I could have hoped for at this point, divorced for one year accompanied by X remarrying 5 months after the divorce was finalized. For this healing, I give God all the credit and praise!
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
Ok, now that that formality is out of the way (Hello, ro all the lovely ladies who slept in ), let me post for real.
I think what you have done will reap benefits for your children down the road. If Mr. X is truly interested now in helping to form a stepfamily with your X and your kids, you will have an ally looking out for their emotional (and perhaps even their spiritual) well being in the years ahead.
There is no excuse for what he contributed to the demise of your marriage, so I'm glad you did not make an offer that would sound like condoning the past. But you sure did make an offer to improve the present and create greater hope for the future.
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
There is no excuse for what he contributed to the demise of your marriage, so I'm glad you did not make an offer that would sound like condoning the past.
I know I was justifying my behavior by listing his offenses as the causes for my resentment but the guy WAS GUILTY! (I say was because he is pardoned by me and I truyly hope he seeks a pardon from God). Sat morning, before going to see him, I was praying with one of my friends and I got an image of his face in my mind being tormented as if he were in hell. I told the person I was praying with that I can not wish that on anyone - it was frightening. My X is also responsible for her actions too but she was emotionally vulnerable when he allowed himself to fill her needs. BUT it is the past, I do forgive them. Hopefully, as you said, if he is genuine, as his past actions, interpreted through our meeting, seem to indicate so, I have taken an enemy and become ally's with him. Time will tell.
Pam,
What's your pleasure, drinks for all, this is a celebration!! As for the "super role model" I say thank you but only because it means I am doing the things Jesus would want me to do (of course it has taken a lot of foot dragging and time to finally do it). And yes, I know my kids are watching, they are my secondary motivation after trying to be obedient to what God tells me to do. The following is the scripture I was carrying with me:
Quote:
Ephesians 4:26-32
"Be angry, and do not sin": do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil. Let him who stole steal no longer, but rather let him labor, working with his hands what is good, that he may have something to give him who has need. Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you.
I heard a profound message about the above verse during my journey to forgiveness. The pastor was explaining why we need to forgive and do so quickly, especially in marriage. He taught that remaining in a state of anger really does separate us from fellowship with God (He cited other verses but think along the line of "how can a man say he loves God yet hates his neighbor" plus others). He taught that letting the sun go don on one's wrath allows Satan to plant a root of bitterness which the enemy will water, cultivate and grow as big as we will allow it to grow. True forgiveness extracts the root. As long as there remains a root, it will continue to grow every time we yank out the bitterness but leave any of the root in the ground.
I understood this concept but everyone here can understand how difficult it is to dig out such roots of bitterness.
I really feel FREE!
p.s. I sent my prayer buddies an update shortly after the meeting and each one of them, by text, phone and/or in person at church on Sunday, rejoiced and gave praise to God for answered prayer surrounding this breakthrough. \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ <--- My prayer warrior brothers and I giving praise to God!
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
wow C2! This is great!! You are really a role model for us!
I tell ya though, if I were to meet w/ my Ex's OW I may take this line to heart I walked towards him and extended my hand to shake (his hand not his neck). LOL Maybe I need more time. I think what you did was wonderful and I bet Mr. X thinks your a good egg too!!
Thats our C2!! XX
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
I am seriously at a loss for words. You are a very special person. I know I've said this before but I believe that you give us all so much to think about.
The faith that it must have taken to trust that this meeting was for the best, shows me that I must still have a ways to go. Putting myself in your shoes I would have been so afraid that a meeting would have opened up a whole can of worms. You however, trusted that that's what you were supposed to do. AMAZING!!
I loved where you said, "I have taken an enemy and become ally's with him."
Keep it comin' C2. We could all use a dose of that kind of trust and unconditional faith to keep us on track!
Anyway, I think you accomplished a LOT by speaking directly to Mr X. It does seem that he's very interested in your kids well being and that's all good for everyone involved.
In recent months or weeks I avoided him and, in a weak moment may very well have gone for the neck or n#ts, (might as well ruin X's fun while I'm at it, no? ) but the healing as really progressed. It really isn't me, it is God.
Bethie,
My Saturday morning group is very special to me and we know and love each other in the way that men rarely bond. In times of war, guys bond in this way, they see each other at their weakest and must rely on each other for their very lives which is why friendships last for lifetimes but rarely, I think, do those friendships stay at a deep level where guys will still talk about their inadequacies, fears, hopes etc. This is why when they told me I needed to approach Mr. X I did so and why I knew my request for prayer would be honored and those prayers would allow the Holy Spirit to be in the midst of that conversation and He was. I really don't want to seem to be falsely modest. I do feel proud of myself for doing what God told me to do but He engineered it all because when I plan an execute something without Him, it goes down the toilet like a smelly turd!
(p.s. you've got mail which has nothing to do with smelly turds )
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
). As we sp0ottd each other, I walked towards him and extended my hand to shake (his hand not his neck). We stood in line and I made some small talk bout the kids, we got our drinks and I found a spot to talk outside. (My talking points were on an index card as was the scripture, both inside my wallet which I place on the table next my drink incase I started to get emotional and needed to refocus.
), let me post for real.