Family Estrangement: Are Therapists to Blame?

A recent Wall Street Journal article, entitled, “Why Are So Many Adults Cutting Off Their Parents?” brought renewed attention to the growing number of adult children who are ending relationships with their parents—and to a recent conference- The Family Summit- The Mending Place- that was devoted to this painful family phenomenon.

As a keynote speaker at the conference, I want to share one troubling moment at that conference that deserves particular attention from those of us in the mental health profession.

As a therapist who has spent nearly five decades helping people repair relationships that seemed beyond hope, I have been deeply troubled by the growing number of people who are choosing emotional cutoffs as a way of dealing with difficult relationships.

Although some abusive relationships undoubtedly warrant distance- or even termination- people are now severing ties for reasons that, in the past, might have been regarded as annoying, painful or intrusive, but certainly not as cause for terminating a relationship.

Although these “relationship sabbaticals” may provide some immediate relief, rarely do they take into account lasting emotional consequences that extend far beyond the two people involved, affecting siblings, spouses, children, grandchildren and generations to come.

You didn’t have to be a therapist to feel the palpable pain of those attending the Family Summit Conference in Chicago- mostly parents of adult children who were no longer in contact with them. 

In my nearly fifty years as a therapist, and conference speaker, I have rarely witnessed such profound grief concentrated in one room.  

Most troubling, however, was the response I received after asking the audience a question: “How many of you believe that a therapist contributed to your family’s estrangement?”

Most of the hands in the room went up. Those raised hands revealed how many parents truly believe that therapy played a significant role in their family ruptures.

When I expressed anger about times therapy is hurtful rather than helpful- ending rather than mending relationships- the sustained applause caught me off-guard.

Although it might be tempting to think, “These parents are defensive, or they lack understanding for their children’s legitimate concerns, or they’re just trying to blame their unhappiness on someone or something else,” I’m convinced we cannot dismiss the meaning of this show of hands.

It’s time to take a hard look at how we might be contributing to the escalating tendency to condone- or even encourage- unnecessary relationship rupture.

Most therapists don’t intentionally contribute to the breakdown in relationships, but I believe that certain clinical missteps can endanger already fragile connections.  

Here are several issues therapists should consider when working with this vulnerable population:

Recognize that all therapy- including our own- is biased

There is no such thing as neutral therapy. Regardless of a therapist’s degree or clinical orientation, what clients get when they go to therapy is the “person” behind the professional training. 

Our experiences, values, and beliefs influence what we notice, what is ignored, which possibilities are explored and which are overlooked. Therapists channel conversations, and often shape the conclusions clients reach.

For example, people in my couples practice often begin by saying, “The only reason I agreed to come is because we have kids. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be here.”

Some therapists respond, “That isn’t a good enough reason to stay. Your children will leave home someday.”

My response is different: “The fact that you’re here because of your children tells me how much you love them and how important their well-being is to you. Where did you learn the importance of family?”

This reframes their shared love for their children as a strength and a reasonable place to begin—not as evidence that they are betraying themselves or settling for less than they deserve.

Same couple. Same facts. Different lens. Different conversation. And often, a different future.

Therapists should be transparent about the perspectives they bring to their work. Do they view ending an important relationship as a reasonable response to emotional discomfort? Or do they believe that most strained relationships deserve a wholehearted attempt at repair before cutoff is even considered?

Don’t place too much weight on one-sided stories

When someone complains to a friend about a parent, the friend is likely to say, “Your mother is so unreasonable,” or “I can’t believe your father did that.” Friends take our side. They are our allies.

Too often, the same thing happens in therapy. We care about our clients hear their pain, and want to protect them from further hurt. So, we validate their feelings. And the narrative about parents’ wrongdoings continues, as labels such as “toxic,” “narcissistic,” “abusive,” or “gaslighting” are introduced into the conversation.

These labels then become the lens through which present and past interactions get viewed.  When this happens, blame hardens, hope dims, and little is learned about navigating challenging relationships.

Instead, in addition to validating feelings, we need to make sure we have a thorough understanding about parents’ objectionable actions. 

When clients say, “My mother is controlling” or “My parents have always been abusive,” therapists should ask for specifics: “What has your mother actually done that felt controlling?” or “What do you mean by abusive? What exactly happened?”

Once the objectionable behavior is clear, it’s important to identify what clients have actually said and done to improve things, as well as the parents’ reactions. Figuring out which strategies simply aren’t effective and which may still have potential is key.

We also need to make sure that our clients are equipped with adequate communication skills before embarking on relationship repair- expressing feelings calmly using “I-messages,” discussing concrete, non-negotiable expectations without reiterating past transgressions, learning self-soothing strategies when triggered, and so on.

Additionally, helping adult children obtain a deeper understanding about what shaped their parent – though never a justification for hurtful behavior- can create empathy, which remains a cornerstone in any relationship that works.

Finally, mental health professionals must stop diagnosing people they have never met!  

Hearing one person’s account about an absent parent’s behavior, tells us nothing about that parent’s willingness to accept personal responsibility or their ability to change.  

Absent imminent danger or ongoing abuse, therapists should exhaust the possibilities of repair before considering ending family relationships.

Also, the parent should be invited to participate in joint sessions. If relationship therapy falls outside the therapist’s expertise, a referral to a qualified colleague is in order.

In the late 1980s, having witnessed the devastating effects of rampant divorce and the rise of disposable marriages, I took what was then an unorthodox stand in my book Divorce Busting: Most divorces are unnecessary.

Today, as family estrangement becomes increasingly normalized, complacency is once again not an option for me.

It is time for therapists to examine the assumptions we bring into the therapy room, and use our undeniable influence to help people establish healthy boundaries, navigate messy relationships, and— whenever possible— preserve connections with the family members who love them.