When He's Not in the Mood

When you hear the words, “Not tonight dear, I have a headache,” do you envision a woman politely rejecting her husband’s sexual advances? 

 Contrary to popular belief, there are millions of men who simply aren’t the mood for sex or other physical contact.  In fact, although statistics about the incidence of low libido in men vary, it is estimated that one in five men experience a lack of desire.   

Why then, do we seldom hear about low desire in men?

In a culture where masculinity and virility are inextricably connected, it strikes terror in the hearts of men to think, much less talk about being disinterested in sex. Even when their wives are desperately unhappy about the lack of physical closeness, men often avoid discussing their feelings. To compound matters, men typically refuse to seek professional help; They feel too much shame.

This unwillingness to openly address the issue of discrepant sexual needs leaves many women feeling isolated and hopeless. Because low desire in women is considered commonplace, men feel free to complain about their paltry sex lives to their male buddies.  Women, on the other hand, are tight-lipped about their unhappiness because many believe they’re the only ones experiencing this problem and feel ashamed. They assume there’s something wrong with them.  Plus, fearing that discussing their husband’s low desire might embarrass their partners or hurt their egos, many women keep “their dark secrets” to themselves.   

Causes of low desire in men

Although a drop in desire can be caused by many different factors, there are a few primary reasons men lose interest in sex.

Biological issues

As people age, sex drive often changes.  Although many men enjoy sex well into their 80’s, over time, there is a decline in testosterone, the primary hormone responsible for sex drive.  As a result, men often feel less focused on their sexual relationships.  Also, they require more- and different- stimulation to achieve and maintain an erection.  Orgasms tend to be less intense. These natural and predictable changes can be disconcerting to men who, in the past, have had sizable sexual appetites.

There are illnesses and the medications that treat them that impact on sexual desire.  For instance, cardiovascular disease wreaks havoc with a man’s blood flow which, in turn, makes it difficult to achieve or maintain an erection.  This can lead to a feeling of sexual inadequacy which undoubtedly dampens desire.

Illnesses such as endocrine disorders- diabetes, hypothyroidism, hyperthyroidism- liver disease, kidney disease, pituitary disease, Parkinson’s disease, anemia and arthritis can affect sexual desire. Low dopamine levels in the brain can be linked to low desire. Chronic pain can take a toll too.

Additionally, many medications, including over-the-counter medications can greatly affect a man’s sex drive.  For example, drugs used for hair loss, antidepressants, antihistamines, tranquilizers, antihypertensives, antipsychotic, antiarrhythmic and anticonvulsant medications can decrease desire.

An unhealthy lifestyle can be at the root of libido problems. If a man abuses alcohol or drugs, doesn’t exercise or eat healthfully, or fails to receive adequate sleep, sex may become unimportant.

Finally, one of the primary reasons men avoid sex is that they are experiencing erectile dysfunction (ED) or ejaculation problems.  Anticipating undesirable outcomes can make sex anxiety-producing rather than enjoyable. ED and other sexual dysfunctions are typically due to complex interplay of biological, emotional and interpersonal causes.

Psychological issues

Sometimes disinterest in sex has less to do with one’s partner and more to do with self-sabotaging thoughts and feelings such as dissatisfaction with the changes in one’s body, feeling stressed out about work, worrying about dwindling finances, the kids, in-laws, health issues, job loss, and so on.  Facing life’s many challenging transitions- becoming empty nesters, dealing with ailing parents or losing loved ones- can also be extremely taxing, robbing people of their energy and passion.  

Depression, which is estimated to affect 3.3 million Americans each year, can have debilitating effects.  Seventy-five percent of people who are depressed confirm a loss of sexual desire. It is important to note that signs of depression in men are often different than in women who turn their emotions inward, becoming sad and tearful, feeling guilty and worthless.  Men, on the other hand, are often uncharacteristically irritable and angry, resorting to abusing alcohol and other substances to self-medicate.

Prior sexual, emotional or physical abuse might make real intimacy challenging. If one’s childhood was hurtful, scary or unstable, it may be hard to feel safe in relationships.

When a man is less interested in sex with his partner, it does not necessarily mean that he has lost sexual desire; he may be expressing his sexual energy in other ways.  For example, if a man is preoccupied due to an emotional or physical affair, he might be unavailable to his wife.  Also, there are men who, despite being in heterosexual relationships, begin to question their sexual orientation and lose interest in sex with their partners.  Similarly, compulsive use of pornography can damper a man’s interest in sex with his partner.

Relationship issues

Although most people believe that women need to feel close emotionally to their spouses before they’re interested in sex, believe it or not, men often feel this way too.  In fact, there are countless men who go into their man caves when their relationships are stormy and have no desire whatsoever to be physically connected.  Men’s withdrawal often brings out the worst in their exasperated wives- increased frustration- which leads to even more physical distance.  

Additionally, men often lose desire when, rather than confront relationship conflict head on, tend to hold it inside and brood.   Keeping anger and resentment inside is a sure-fire way to kill any feelings of intimacy.

Furthermore, men often say that they have lost interest in sex because they’re no longer attracted to their wives.  They complain that their wives have “let themselves go,” and stopped caring about health and fitness long ago. A man tends to be very visually oriented when it comes to sexual desire and a change in his wife’s physical appearance can affect his level of desire for her.  

Finally, sometimes men lose interest in sex because it has become routine or simply unsatisfying.  Less-than-rewarding sex can be due to an unwillingness to experiment with new and potentially exciting ways of interacting sexually.  Sometimes couples lack information about innovative ways to improve their sex life.   Other times, they’re simply too uncomfortable to talk about what might make their sexual relationship more vibrant and passionate.

Boosting Desire 

What a couple needs to do to boost the marital libido depends on the reasons for the loss of desire. That said, it makes sense to start the libido-boosting journey with a thorough medical checkup to rule out biological causes.  For example, a simple blood test can offer information about testosterone levels and suggest the need for testosterone supplements, frequently a helpful remedy.  Similarly, underlying medical conditions can be addressed as well as receiving recommendations about alternatives to problematic medications.   

Next, since it’s clear that a healthy lifestyle is prerequisite for having a robust sexual relationship, men need to make certain they’re eating well, exercising regularly, getting regular sleep, and cutting down on alcohol.

Men who lose interest in sex due to anxiety about erectile dysfunction can learn new skills to help them relax and maintain their erections by going to a licensed sex therapist. A sex therapist is specially trained to educate couples who are experiencing difficulties in the bedroom.  The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (aasect.org) offers a directory of qualified sex therapists.  Also, although drugs like Cialis and Levitra do not boost desire, they are effective in helping men keep erections.

If psychological issues are standing in the way of physical intimacy, men should run, not walk to an experienced therapist to deal with underlying depression, anxiety, issues of low self-esteem or nagging relationship problems. Being complacent about feeling unhappy with oneself or with one’s partner is a waste of life.  Conversely, learning skills to break free from unproductive patterns of thinking and behaving can be life-transforming, leading to more passion and zest for sex.

Source: Michele Weiner-Davis, LCSW, founder of The Divorce Busting

Center in Boulder, Colorado, that helps on-the-brink couples save their

marriages, bestselling author of eight books including Healing from

Infidelity, The Sex-Starved Marriage and Divorce Busting, and TEDx speaker

on the topic of The Sex- Starved Marriage