Question 1

What happens during an intensive after an affair?

Accepted Answer

(If you and your spouse are at odds or uncertain about the future of your marriage, check out the next question that answers this directly to get a better understanding of what happens during the intensive.) Each day starts at 9:00 am and ends around 4 pm with a break for lunch. I will ask each of you about your goals for our two days together. Sometimes, spouse's goals are different, and that is completely normal.  Since you have reached out because of the pain of an affair and betrayal, that is where we will begin. I will want to know about the affair, how the affair was discovered and what has happened between the two of you since the discovery.  Sometimes, couples have made a little headway as far a feeling a bit better before their intensive, and if so, I will want to know what has helped.  More often than not, however, people are experiencing a great deal of pain and we will do a deep dive into where you are stuck, what have been the biggest challenges between you, and what each of you believe you need in order to move forward.   Because I have been specializing in infidelity for several decades, I know what has worked- and what hasn't- for most couples. I can help you identify why certain approaches have been less than effective and what you can do to change how you've been handling this crisis in your marriage.  Discovering infidelity is traumatic for most people and, initially, the unfaithful spouse has to do a lot more of the emotional heavy lifting to help his or her partner gain equilibrium.  Additionally, both spouses have specific they must take to heal themselves.  During our intensive, I coach people very specifically about these healing steps. Couples typically come with many questions:Will I ever be able to trust again?How do I know I've gotten the whole story?I need to ask questions.  Why won't my spouse answer me?Will the questions go on forever?What can I say or do to ease my spouse's pain?  Nothing seems to work.Can I expect my spouse to find a new job- and leave the affair partner behind?What if my spouse will never trust me again?  Is this the life I want to live?How can I get rid of all these triggers?Will I ever truly feel better?Should we tell other family members?The kids found out.  Now what?It goes without saying that there are often other relationship issues needing attention. The advantage of our 2 days together is that it offers ample time for me to provide a roadmap for healing from the current crisis as well as  mending your marriage in other areas.  That said, it is important to point out that marital problems do not cause infidelity.  Much of my coaching work is based on Solution-Focused Therapy- an evidenced-based therapy model practiced throughout the world. As a team member at the Solution Focused Brief Therapy Center, I helped develop this extraordinary way of helping people change. Unlike traditional therapy approaches, Solution-Focused Therapy emphasizes people’s strengths and resources in lieu of their shortcomings and is extremely goal-oriented. During the intensive, part of our time together will be focused on an in-depth relationship history which helps me get to know both of you better. As we explore the key events in your lives that impacted on the quality of the relationship, you both will be able to reflect on your marriage from different perspectives. Also, I observed that countless couples in my practice simply aren't able to have constructive conversations about heated topics. Because I am convinced that couples need tools to deal with their inevitable differences, espeically during a crisis period, a portion of every 2-day intensive is spent learning the necessary down-to-earth relationship skills to stop fighting and start healing their relationships. Readers of my book, Healing from Infidelity and viewers of my TEDx talk on the Sex-Starved Marriage have been traveling worldwide to work with me.  Regardless of the problems you are experiencing, a 2-day intensive offers a crash course to jumpstart the healing process. At end of the intensive session, you will be given a written plan to take home in order to follow through with the commitments you made during the session. Also, since follow-up is important, you will be offered options to solidify and maintain the changes made during our time together which typically includes phone sessions, video sessions, future in-person sessions or connecting with local therapists. The results of the 2-day intensive format have been impressive. Many couples experience major breakthroughs and report that the extended time period allows them to fully address their issues and leave with clarity about what they need to do to maintain these positive changes. Plus, for high profile couples or others who prefer extreme anonymity, seeking virtual help can add a layer of comfort.

Question 2

What if I don't know if I want to stay married?

Accepted Answer

You don’t have to know. In fact, many people come to me precisely because they don’t know. You may still love your spouse and desperately want your marriage to work, while another part of you wonders whether you will ever be able to get past what happened.My job isn’t to pressure you into staying married or convince you to leave. It’s to help you slow things down, understand what happened, see what would have to change for healing to be possible, and make decisions from a clearer, less reactive place.You shouldn’t decide the rest of your life while you’re still in the middle of the crisis.

Question 3

How do I stop hurting after my spouse's affair?

Accepted Answer

The hurt caused by your spouse’s infidelity may be one of the most traumatic experiences of your life. It can force you to question everything you believed to be true about your spouse, your marriage and even yourself.Healing takes time—but time alone isn’t enough. You also need a specific game plan: how to interact with your spouse, handle triggers, take care of yourself, and gradually stop allowing the affair to dominate your life. During our two-day intensive, we will develop a practical plan to help you begin feeling like yourself again.

Question 4

My spouse won't answer my questions about the affair?  How can I ever heal?

Accepted Answer

Research on infidelity as well as my own extensive clinical experience makes one thing clear: if a betrayed spouse has questions about what happened, these questions must be answered, no matter how uncomfortable it might be for the unfaithful spouse. Some questions are more helpful than others, and during the intensive, we will discern which questions are most helpful for you to ask.

Question 5

Will the questions in my head ever stop?

Accepted Answer

The short answer is: Yes.  Eventually, you will feel you have enough information to begin to make sense of what has happened.  That may take a while, but the key lies in asking the right questions, and in your partner being totally transparent with you.

Question 6

How will I ever trust my spouse again?

Accepted Answer

Rebuilding trust requires clear expectations and boundaries—and consistent, trustworthy behavior over time. No one just “decides” to be more trusting. Trust has to be earned.

Question 7

How do I stop thinking about the affair all the time?

Accepted Answer

At first, there is little that you can do to stop the ruminating because it is totally natural.  Over time, however, you will want to be able to remain more present in your life. In our intensive, we will discuss methods for “changing your mental channel” each time a dark thought arises.  With practice, it is possible to stop obsessing and keep intrusive thoughts from taking over your day.

Question 8

How will I know if I should stay married after my spouse cheated?

Accepted Answer

You will know.  It’s important to give yourself time to think things through rather than make important life decisions while you are in crisis—decisions you might later regret.  It’s also important to refrain from talking to friends or family who have strong feelings about the path you should take.  The key is to slow things down, get help from an expert on infidelity, implement what you learn, and observe how you feel with some time under your belt.

Question 9

Will I be blamed for my spouse's affair?

Accepted Answer

Although some people are unhappily married before deciding to have an affair, marital problems do not cause infidelity.  Even if long-standing issues in marriage need to be addressed, those problems are not responsible for the decision to cheat.  The unfaithful spouse must take responsibility for his or her choices. At the same time, condemnation, blame and ridicule have no place during our intensive. Both of you will feel heard, acknowledged and respected.

Question 10

Can two days really make that much of a difference?

Accepted Answer

Two focused days can make an enormous difference. We have the time to understand what has kept you stuck, help you see things differently, and give you concrete tools for handling the situations that keep triggering pain and conflict. Two days won't erase what happened, but they can change the direction you're headed.

Question 11

Will there be follow-up to the intensive?

Accepted Answer

After learning new skills and seeing yourself and each other in new ways, you will need time to put what you have learned into practice.  That is why most couples do Zoom follow-up sessions until they feel confident that their improvements have taken hold.

Question 12

What if my spouse isn't sure about saving our marriage?

Accepted Answer

Sometimes, after an affair has been discovered, one spouse isn’t certain about staying in the marriage. They may feel confused about what they want, believe too much damage has been done, or simply feel hopeless about whether the two of you could ever be happy together again.Ambivalence doesn’t necessarily mean your marriage is over. I’ve worked with many couples where one spouse came to the intensive unsure about staying married and, after gaining a better understanding of what happened and seeing their relationship differently, became more open to the possibility of working things out—or at least giving their marriage more time.You don’t both have to walk in equally hopeful. You just need to be willing to show up and explore what might still be possible.

INFIDELITY MARRIAGE INTENSIVE

An affair can shatter everything you thought you knew about your marriage. It doesn't have to determine what happens next.

The pain you’re in right now is like no other. You may be consumed by questions, anger, fear and images you can't get out of your mind.

The ruminating is exhausting.

You may be checking phones, replaying conversations, searching for answers and wondering what was real about your life with your spouse and what wasn't.

One minute you want desperately to save your marriage. The next, you wonder how you could ever trust your spouse—or your own judgment—again.

Some days, it’s hard to get out of bed. The betrayal feels traumatic. Your mind and body feel like they’re on fire.

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YOU WANT TO GET YOUR LIFE BACK, BUT YOU DON’T KNOW HOW.

WHY A MARRIAGE INTENSIVE AFTER INFIDELITY?

When your marriage has been rocked by an affair, waiting a week between therapy sessions can feel like an eternity.

And just when you finally get to the heart of something important, your 50-minute session is over. You just can’t get any traction.

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A two-day intensive gives us something weekly therapy simply can’t: time.

​Time to slow things down.

Time for both of you to really feel heard.

Time to peel away the layers and get answers to important questions.

Time to understand how the affair happened

without blaming the person who was betrayed.

Time to focus on just the two of you with no distractions.

And most importantly, time to figure out exactly what needs to happen now.

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When you’re in this much pain, you don’t want to wait months to start feeling better.

EXPERIENCE MATTERS. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOUR MARRIAGE IS IN CRISIS

WHAT HAPPENS DURING AN INFIDELITY MARRIAGE INTENSIVE?

​When we meet, I learn about your relationship, what happened, where each of you stands now, what’s been helpful, what hasn’t, and what you most need help with.

Then, during our two days together, we focus on the issues that are keeping you stuck.

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Although understanding what went wrong is extremely important, knowing what you need to do next to get your lives back is even more important.

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And because we have two full days together, we have the time to go where your particular situation takes us.

COUPLES FIND THEIR WAY BACK TO EACH OTHER

BARBARA

KELLY T.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

What happens during an intensive after an affair?

What if I don't know if I want to stay married?

How do I stop hurting after my spouse's affair?

My spouse won't answer my questions about the affair? How can I ever heal?

Will the questions in my head ever stop?

How will I ever trust my spouse again?

How do I stop thinking about the affair all the time?

How will I know if I should stay married after my spouse cheated?

Will I be blamed for my spouse's affair?

Can two days really make that much of a difference?

Will there be follow-up to the intensive?

What if my spouse isn't sure about saving our marriage?

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NEWSLETTER SIGNUP

The pain you’re in right now is like no other.

You may be consumed by questions, anger, fear and images you can't get out of your mind.

Time to slow things down.

When we meet, I learn about your relationship, what happened, where each of you stands now, what’s been helpful, what hasn’t, and what you most need help with.