M 16.5 S 13, D 16 (live with mom); SS 25 (lives with me) 11/05 - X files D 7/06 - X moved out with kids (I offered X the house but she declined so I bought her out. Immediately OM in the picture continuously) 10/17/06 - D final 5/07 - X Marries OM
The marriage was rocky for over 10 years. X had an affair with a different OM around 98/99. We separated for 6 months from 6/99 to 12/99 (I moved because of her hysterics and volatility) but got back together. After X moved this time, I attempted to "stand" for the marriage but since coming back to the board 8/06, I have slowly moved from vigorously standing, to remaining open to reconciliation to deciding that I would not reconcile (X getting married closed the door for good).
X and I have been Christians since before we started dating, X has asserted that God has given her permission to D and has paved her way to be with OM who is not a Christian.
My title comes from the Bible verse:
Quote:
Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
I own my part in the demise of marriage but I believe my X had no grounds for marriage according to our professed faith and the teachings we held from the Bible. Yet, I still maintain that God will use this situation to work for His greater good.
Getting A Life The transition from being devastated at the realization that OM was not "Just a friend" to "Standing" to "Getting A Life" and finally deciding I will not take X back has been an extremely challenging journey but God has provided the people, resources total support that I have needed including the people in this forum. My life has become increasingly full, an amazing adventure with blessing after blessing after blessing.
THANK YOU! A huge "thank you" goes out to Michele for making this forum available for us DBers who tried and yet still wound up in this forum. An equally huge "thank you" goes out to the people in this forum who lend an ear, offer sage advice or a shoulder (or thread) to cry on. There have been plenty of very challenging times I have had to go through to this point and this forum and the people in it have helped immeasurably in bringing healing.
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
One year ago today, my divorce was finalized. My how time flies when your world crashes but wait, did it really crash? I have been going through my posts and my journals from before she moved out to about the start of this year and it was amazing to remember those feelings, thoughts and experiences.
I actually feel that God protected me and gradually revealed things the things I needed to know and learn. He brought just the right people in my life at just the right time, people who knew just the right thing to say or advise. He provided me with opportunities serve Him and my experiences during this time frame are so rich, I feel like I lived a life time in just a little over one year. My life with my kids has been fantastic and we have experienced so many things together that assure them their dad loves them beyond measure.
Most of the post divorce goals I set early on have been achieved. I have maintained a cordial relationship with X and Mr. X. The kids have not been used as pawns nor were they forced to take sides with either of their parents. I have grown tremendously in my relationship/walk with my Lord. I have also worked towards overcoming the stumbling block of "forgiveness" and feel like I am at a good place in that regard (my last two threads chronicle this journey).
I have been on a couple of really short trips to Mexico with my church, a longer trip into the middle of Baja Mexico, a tour of Israel, a missions trip to Romania and I also squeezed in my 25th college reunion and a side trip to New York. On each of the missions trips God ministered to me in unbelievable ways that fill my journals with pages and pages of insight, revelation and comfort.
During the times of deepest pain, God has been faithful to minister to me in ways that show his promise that He "will never leave me nor forsake me" is written in stone. He has brought me a "band of brothers" in the church who, together, are lifting each other up, aspiring to serve God and to sustain each other in time of need.
As I move forward, I know I enter into a phase of life with choices and opportunities that can send my life in a variety of directions. It is a phase I am excited about because I have seen how my faithfulness to serve God and "Do the Right Thing" during the midst of the Separation/Divorce storm has been honored by the Lord.
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
"Coincidentally," yesterday's DivorceCare email was the last one on the topic of Forgiveness and today’s is on Reconciliation. When I went through the program, all of us in the support group were surprised by the topic and thought of reconciliation but as we watched the DVD and did with workbook assignment, we understood what they meant. Since unresolved bitterness and anger lingered and resurfaced in the last month plus, I haven't thought too much about their version of reconciliation but I will address it.
Quote:
Why Should You Consider Reconciliation? - Day 312
When you hear the word reconciliation, your initial response might be, "No way!" Even if you feel that way, you should at least consider the concept of reconciliation.
Reconciliation is when a relationship is restored to good terms after having come apart. This does not necessarily mean a restoration of marriage; it can mean a cordial friendship where both individuals show respect and kindness to the other.
"Listen to what we have to say and listen to what God has to say before you emotionally react to the thought of reconciliation," recommends Dr. Jim A. Talley. "There may be some things here that will be of benefit to you long-term in your emotional and spiritual stabilization.
"You have to ask yourself, in five years from now when you look back on what you've done, can you really stand there with three things: a pure heart, a clear conscience, and clean hands before God? You cannot do that without dealing in the realm of reconciliation."
Most of the "right" things to do in the divorce recovery process have to do with making good choices and not giving in to fickle emotions. This is your life, and you have a definite say in how well you adjust, stabilize, and recover. Seeking reconciliation will benefit you both emotionally and spiritually and will enable you to stand before God knowing that you chose His way.
"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me" (Psalm 51:10 NASB).
Without You, Jesus, it is impossible for me to have a pure heart and a clean conscience. Forgive me for my sins, and grant me wisdom as I consider the possibility of reconciliation. Amen.
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
Wednesday morning, X called me regarding our daughter and during the conversation, I reminded her that it was the anniversary of the divorce being final. She did not say anything further.
Later in the morning, we had and email exchange about the kids schedules which then to the following exchanges:
Quote:
... k thanks (her response, to the our other topic, the following is in reference to our divorce) sorry, just sorry about everything...
X
X,
This is the kind of thing I planned on saying in person but here goes:
Over the last year, the Lord has shown me more and more of how I failed you as being the kind of Godly leader I should have been and I am sorry for that. He has also been healing me in the area of resentment and anger, especially in the last 3-4 weeks (I felt progress before and thought I was "done" but I wasn't). Again, I ask for your forgiveness for my part and for residue resentment that lingered any time over the last year- I am sorry and repentant (the turning in the opposite direction).
I am now able to sincerely pray for you and Mr. X and your own relationships with the Lord. I thought I could before but it wasn't from the heart but it is now and I truly desire a God centered relationship for both of you. I prayed for you before but I now know I was holding back because of resentment in hidden chambers in my heart.
As we each have gone before the Lord for whatever we felt we needed to, we know He faithful and just to forgive us (1 John 9) and we just have to leave it at His feet.
Even as I mentioned today is the "anniversary" let me share that I am at peace with where we are and feel like we have survived the most challenging part of such a change.
The Lord has been faithful to show me what I needed to see over the last year and He has ministered to me every step of the way- He has been so good to me. I also truly wish the same for you and Mr.X.
C2H
wasn't sure how to respond. I know i have resentment -- anger -- bitterness -- daily i ask for forgiveness for me and healing of my heart which i KNOW only He can do. Anyway... I just pray for healing for you. I am at a very peaceful place, and the kids are doing well.. which is MOST important to me. I am happy.. I choose to focus on healing and what lies ahead May you find His Peace in His time.
X
X,
I think we are saying the same things. Healing, forgiving and releasing the past, focusing on the kids, wanting good things for the other.
I am happy to hear you have peace and are happy. I know that for too many years you suffered in the marriage, again I apologize for not leading the way that I now know God would have had me to lead. "Sorry" does not come close to how I have felt about that. (I have confessed this to the Lord, and to you and allow the Lord to heal me in my failure for Satan would rather I condemn myself the rest of my life and that is not biblical).
I am now at peace as well. I thought I was at peace before that but the Lord revealed to me that I wasn't and it has been the last 3-4 weeks that I have been really seeking the Lord to specifically dealing with lingering resentment.
I truly want the best for you and regularly pray for both you and Mr. X and your individual relationships with the Lord.
Thank you for your prayers, may you and Mr. X continue to draw closer and closer to the Lord all the days of your lives.
C2H
Thanks.. .
i only ask that you pray about putting the kids FIRST in all that you do. Thanks..
X
To read my posts might give some the impression that I was an awful husband. The truth was my wife was so strong willed that it was "her way or the highway." She wanted me to lead her but when I did, she rebelled. When the marriage was in trouble and I sought to follow biblical principals through drawing us closer to the Lord, counseling, finding our solutions in the bible, she resisted. Nevertheless, it was my responsibility to stand firm on the foundation of the bible and bring her along side of me.
What resulted was years of a declining marriage and a lukewarm Christian walk on both our parts. It served neither of us any good as evidenced by her decisions to commit adultery twice and to divorce a husband desiring Christian reconciliation. I failed to draw her into a closer relationship with the Lord, as her leader and her protector.
It is true no one can MAKE another person follow but godly leadership, harnessed power with meekness, humility and prayer are the mandates that I, as the head of the household, needed to follow. All my pre and post divorce growth, meditation and service to the Lord have made these things clear to me. I have shared this admission with her, have confessed it to my Lord and my conscience is clear.
From today's communications, I think we both know that the other accepts responsibility for their past actions (at least I do). We both seem to desire to work towards what DivorceCare describes as a "reconciled" relationship and that IS what is best for our children given that X is now married to Mr. X.
I believe I am now at peace with the situation. We will have differences but I am in a good emotional place to avoid linking these new situations to the divorce and stir up those emotions. Time will tell and I know I will be tested, more than likely sooner rather than later.
A final thought:
Quote:
i only ask that you pray about putting the kids FIRST in all that you do.
Huh?
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
It would seem that her idea of putting the kids FIRST in your life is the only idea she will consider. She'll come to that realization only when she allows God to open her eyes.
There have been many things in my developing relationship with the Lord that I had a sudden understanding of where before the thought never occured to me that I might be wrong in how I viewed a matter. Hope that made sense....
It is your relationship with the Lord that continues to mature in a way that has positive effects on those around you.... I'm thankful that you share your journey. It inspires us to dig deeper and forge ahead in our own. ~lost
Psa 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
I think I am in awe of you at times because I've just decided to ignore the sit w/ my ex. Wish I could do what you do, but not sure if I can,,,right now.
Love your posts C2, they are a inspiration to me.
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
Thanks for the encouragement. On the run at the moment (no, not "from the law" ) Post more later, something very interesting is in the works, will know later today how it pans out.
K, truly, I am not amazing for I wanted to be bitter as any of us believe we have the right to be. Choosing to give up my rights to obey what I believe God tells me to do is the very least I can do for God sparing me from hell which I know I earned. I am indebted and yet, as I try to pay the debt back, God blesses me even more. This is truly not false humility, I am an idiot but God can use a willing idiot. <C2H raises his hand and says to the Lord, "use me">
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
) Post more later, something very interesting is in the works, will know later today how it pans out.