Hello everyone... another one down! Heres the last one.friends now?
I just had a surprise phone call from him (third this year) at 9.30 am..I was amazed...but soon realised it was for a financial reason. He sounded very stressed out and tired, I said are you ok and he said "Ohh,yeah..." and didnt sound ok. He said he'd had a letter about our mortgage and that he was sorry to call me implying he wanted me to deal with it. He kept apologising, saying its hard for me as I am at work, but I wouldnt have minded anyway, as I am at home and it IS a joint mortgage...Anyway he said, I just want to get this sorted out, its all a bit worrying... the letter said we were in arrears, but it was only a small amount apparently. He still hasnt organised the remortgage, like he said he would, so he may have been apologising alot as he realises he has been a bit crap.
Anyway, that was it, a short call about the mortgage, he sounded hacked off, busy, tired, not chatty or pleased to speak to me, and he said "I'll call you about Wednesday" and then went. So, I think that my sitch is not going to take the positive upturn I was hoping for..he just doesnt seem to be remotely interested in reconnecting with me. I know we had a nice day on Sunday, but he still very much had that air of separateness, he seemed confident and had plans for himself for evenings and sport and a holiday in July and I just didnt get the impression at all that he has any doubts. Sure he was nice to me, he bought me the bike rack over, he paid me compliments, he gave me a long hug. But he still didnt email yesterday, it was a short phonecall just then, he wont give me his address.
I feel like I am reaching the end of my rope. I know you all said to just be patient, and I am capable of that, but I havent had a single sign of hope, or word from any friends of his that he regrets it. The fact that he isnt doing so well on his own is only I thikn a reflection on the fact he's NEVER been any good on his own and wilts when he is single and isnt necessarily to do with me. He told me quite categorically, IDLYA. He was certain he said. 100 % sure. And so another thread starts with me feeling..this is it. It IS OVER. And I am getting sick of it hurting so much, the daily agonising, waiting. Its killing me !
Blimey, so many threads. So much thought and time put into this. I wonder how much time he has spent thinking about me. Feeling nervous about going home in the car with him tommorow now. Its nearly 4 hour journey. I hope I'm not mega quiet and shy, because thats how I feel. I have little real confidence around him anymore, as he left me and with such finality. I am debating at the moment emailing him about the mortgage (all sorted now) and also to say, are you ok, you sounded tired.
Ali
Just wanted to put these here for myself, seeing as I messed that up then! (and to think I was a web developer for years!!)
AS I have said right from the start, you have to be patient. As for the email, stick to business. He told you how he was feeling Sunday. Nothing has changed since then. Sometimes you have to let things go.
IMP, thankyou, you are so right! Theres a new moon this week and for Pisceans, it is all about letting go. Allowing things to happen as they should and not trying to control things or other people, because you are learning that you cant control things and you have to just let it be. Its about letting the universe or god or goddess or whatever hear your wish but then let it go and allow it to come back to you if its meant to.
He emailed me, apologising for bothering me with mortgage stuff! I emailed back to tell him it was sorted but made sure to acknowledge and validate his stress over it and said I'm sorry you got the letter and it worried you, but I hope you feel reassured now. I did add, I hope you're ok today and not too tired (as he sounded knackered and all he ever tells me is how tird he is). I didnt get a reply as yet, but I will. So...got to let go.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Good email Ali. I would definately have sent the email letting him know it was all taken care of since he was stressed about it. I think your sitch is still going well. Don't give up hope!
Ali, his behavior is not going to be consistent for a while. Don't let it throw you. Focus on the positive developments intsead of every single time he fails to meet your expectations, which I think are actually kind of high. Friends don't recieve kisses from friends on the neck, you know what I'm sayin? When he acts weird, don't take it personally... maybe he needed to get off the phone b/c he felt ashamed of himself for not being able the figure out the mortgage by himself or for not delivering on his promise to you to take care of it. But even though he is not being consistent, you can choose to be consistent with your DB'ing and how you repsond to him. And also, you can choose to find happiness and fulfillment in things that are not as mercurial and wild as his interactions with you.
T is right. He can't be consistent...he's not there yet. My H waffles back and forth all the time. It used to be every other day...now there are stretches of normalcy for up to a week at a time. The key to knowing that you are moving forward is to look for the baby steps, not the big picture. You may think you aren't making any progress...but you are, little by little. Last week, I quit calling and emailing H at work and guess what....he started calling me more and sending me emails...weird huh...
Take things one day at a time. Be patient. And quit having ANY expectations...because then you won't be disappointed when things don't happen the way you think they should.
Good luck on the car trip...you'll be in my thoughts!
BA (((((((Ali)))))))
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
Things are not going to change overnight. You didn't get here overnight. You are going through what I went through the other day. Just when your communication is becoming more often and you spent time together, that little beast in you wakes up and is hungry for more. And there are no chains or cages to trap it in. So, be aware, that little beast can scare the h$$l out of him and you'll be ruining everything you managed the last weeks. Try to stabilise your mood, it's important, you'll avoid the emotional stress that is killing you (who am I to preach?) and you will be more effective. Your BF sounds so lost and scared and depressed. He needs time. L & XXXXXXXXX Kalni
Thankyou, thankyou, as usual! I cant deal with my frustrations. I do have higher expectations, as the contact increases, you are right T and Kalni, and then its agonising all over again when he withdraws. And that is a good point about the beast wanting more! I miss him so desperately, I just want him to move back in so life can go back to normal! I miss my old life, I miss how happy I felt, how secure, how much fun I had in his company, how much I enjoyed loving him. I miss my cat that died the week before he ended it (thats the only thing I'm really mad at him about, the timing).
I feel like I havent been doing very well at GALing, but then he isnt either! We had some emails back and forth today, chatty, jokey, nothing personal as usual. I lent him a sequel to a film and he watched it last night, at the same time as I was watching the original, so we chatted about that. Says it all about us, we always got along so well and have the same likes and dislikes, like the same food, the exact same music, the same films, where to holiday, where to eat out, what kind of people we like. And not in a boring way, there were some minor differences, but just in a harmonious way. And these things make me miss him so much. I do appreciate he had to leave me to grow and learn about himself and make himself happy, I just wish he would give me (or us) another chance. Doesnt seem to be materialising though.
I am still expecting something to change this week, its making me really on edge and nervous. The changes do seem to be coming financially though...we discussed the remortgage today and he said he would phone up tommorow to book it, so still is happy to keep our house and not sell it, which I am gso rateful for (I have no idea why not though. It cant be that he cant be bothered to sell, as he is planning to sell his Dads house anyway). Then I did the viewing on the flat and they loved it and may put in an offer tommorow!!
He said he would call me about Wednesday..which is tommorow. So maybe he will call tonight!? He hasnt so far...
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
