Hi everyone! Oh dear, captain verbose here has killed another thread. Latest news... my WAS xBFhas just emailed me ! Its a short one, "how did it go?" - asking about the viewing last night, but he sent it at 9.30 am !! So thats a first.
And to think I had woken up early and cried alot this morning before I got that ! So, yet again... swing from thinking, how can it be so suddenly over and he not miss me, to ...why is he emailing me so much now (daily!) is that just friendship, or does he miss me !??? We sent 3 each yesterday and I have a feeling today will be a bit chatty too. I cant complain (again!) I know, its better than no contact, but this matey distanced causal chatty wall he is putting up to me is DRIVING ME MAD ! :-)
Getting to the end of my rope..feel like I might burst if I dont say something R related to him soon..I havent since 22 December !! I'm thikning of tentatively saying something on the phone if we ever get to speak about this remortgage issue. We still havent remortgaged our joint house, I hope he does still want to, after saying he had decided to sell his Dads house last night. I think thats a good idea for him though, as he doesnt want the stress anymore and the plan was always to do it up and sell, not rent it longtime, we only did that as we couldnt sell it ! Its an 18th cottage, its nice, but you cant swing a cat in the bedrooms :-)
So...better email him back I guess. God, if he keeps harrassing me in this manner, I may have to take out a restraining order ;-)
I think you need to change your screen name from "AliSuddenlyAlone" to "Ali is doing so well and is so popular she locks up threads in mere days" or something.
Anyway, I'm glad to hear about the BF's communication, but you mentioned earlier you could wait until summer w/ your DBing, so I would suggest holding off on initiating any R talk for a good while yet. The 1st day of Spring is still a month away, so summer is still well off in the distance.
Do your best to keep working on you and resist brining up the R talk right now. It seems like he's coming to you and you don't want to scare him back into hiding. Let him come. The more you pull away and focus on Ali, the more he'll want to chase and pursue.
You are doing great! Smile and do something nice for Ali today.
Thanks RTL! I just had my best mate on the phone..she has two babies and hsa gone to her Mums and is considering being a WAS !! She has grounds to, as her bloke is an *rsehole, but then, reading this website, I can see it from his point of view. I told her to not just run, but be honest and get him to MC.
Anyway..more emails from my BF, but no hiyas and no "me" at the end, so he really is JUST being matey now. THats disappointing. We are up to three from him today already (and its not even lunchtime!) so far all about houses and tenants and wot not. So I have just chanced back a "how are you? How was squash last night? I hope it was more challenging than a game of bat and ball with a pair of 4 year olds" - as the lads he plays are useless.
So, chanced a how are you, but put it in a jokey way !!??? Eek. Wait and see, wait and see, Patience, is my middle name (well, it isnt really, but may as well be).
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
ok, having a difficult day. Now up to 4 emails from him today. Still full of questions (about tenants, money, just practical stuff). He hasnt asked me if I am ok or what I've been doing though and no "me" at the end. I asked how he was and how was his game of squash - and he answered about the squash, thats all.
I am debating whether to email back again and what to say. I know you are all so encouraging about this increased contact, but it seems to have moved to a different qulaity, he just sounds so ...over me. Do yuo know what I mean? Before, he found it hard to talk to me becuase he was guilty and sad and felt awkward. I have been pretending I am fine, I have been chatty and jokey and not said anythnig personal for a while, so as far as he can see I am over him ? He dosent even bother with the "hope your ok" anymore.
He made some remark about someone being better at squash in a few weeks time and I thought, that says it all really. I wait for signs, day by day that he may want to have an R talk, or meet, or consider trying again in some capacity...and he just sees his future stretching out in front of him as a single man. He has shown me not a shred of doubt or emotion about losing me since he left. Yes he hugged me for a long time and looked sad when he left last time (over a week ago), but he just sounds so... jolly in his emails (maybe I do too?). How else can you interpret that, but at face value??
I wish I knew how normal this was, maybe I should hop over to piecing and ask if they went through a wierd phase like this!??
I'm so nearly at the end of my rope. Its all so agonising.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Maybe he's DB'ing as well and putting on a front to look happy when he's really just as confused inside his head? No one knows for sure. I say just go with the flow for now.
It doesn't sound like a bad idea to ask those in piecing how things went down for them. I just read up on Tipper's thread and it sounded like he wasn't making any contact and then came bounding back full force. There is always hope my friend. I, like you, feel like I am in the friendship mold for my H.. I am choosing to think he needs to start from scratch with his reconnecting before attempting to reconcile. I think the same for you!
I'm surprised noone has hit me with a 2x4, but I am getting increasingly agitated here...we have exchanged 5 emails each today (five!) he has written nearly straight back to me at times, but its all so....something of nothing, just, blah blah blah. He hasnt even asked me how I am, what I am doing, what I have been up to, nothing, nada! Good point Dar! he could be DBing me! And thanks W2Go, I suppose every sitch is so unique. I almost think in my sitch, all this matey contact is a BAD sign. He just sounds so over me ! Maybe he just misses his best mate like I do. If he doesnt wake up soon though, I just dont see that he ever will.
I'm interested to speak to his best friends wife, she texted to say she would call me this evening. He was home at the weekend and may have seen them (I'm not sure if he did) and he may have said something of how hes feeling, but his best friend is very secretive guy and doesnt even tell his W what they talk about! So she wouldnt necessarily know, but she may have picked up on his demeanour at least (hammered - drunk!). So I hope she does call afterall and I can see if I can glean something ! Might be bad though :-(
His latest email said he was thinking of joining a squash club, but that would be in another town, that he thinks I shuld hold oit for another offer, that he has to make a decision about his dads house ASAP and that he had actually managed 2 booze free nights this week, so he might have a load of wine tonight ! Hmm.
He is british though, so for all you americans, its sort of a cultural thing to drink alchohol, as in its not THAT bad, but, I do agree that drinking a whole bottle of wine on a work night is not good and before my BF left me, he would've agreed its bad.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
What do you want from this guy? You've had FIVE emails back and forth, before tea! I look at it this way, he is getting to know you again, and giving you a chance to get to know him! You are coming at this from two different directions, so your expectations, and your view of what's going on are totally different.
You want him to come back. You never wanted him to leave. Your feelings about him have never wavered. So, from your point of view, it is really simple. All he has to do is say, "oops, I made a mistake, I'll be back before breakfast!" But HIS feelings did waver. So, he has to resolve that within himself. He is going to question himself. He is going to try to understand why he left. He can't come back without knowing that it's ok. On top of that, he probably is really uncomfortable with how he expects you to feel. So he is trying to figure it out, without putting himself at risk.
Let me put this to you again, a man who is "over" you would not email you five times in a day. About anything. I truly think he is feeling his way. But, you can't rush him, he is scared to death! He knows his leaving hurt you, he is afraid you can't forgive him. And nothing you can say to him right now will change that. He has to see it, and feel it. And that can only happen with time!
You are a smart woman, Ali, I think if you will stop hanging on every word, and thing rather about the big picture you'll see that this is far from over!
I second every word in Jeff's reply!! If I could write better, you would get another 2X4 (can anybody explain why this is named 2x4?) and you probably know how we Greeks shout at each other...
