It's been a few weeks...not so sure how much I want to write, but there are some cool things that I have learned over the past couple of weeks.
It amazes me how through this whole process there are weeks to months where nothing changes, nothing is different, and then there are times in which life seems to change quickly and almost drastically.
For the past year I have been attempting to DB and I have been awful at it. Just awful at it. In retrospect, I just wasn't getting it. I don't know how to explain it, except to say that I guess I wasn't truly focusing on me. (And for anyone that has chosen to follow this, or will read through my old threads you will see what I mean and wonder how I could have been so blind to it - I don't have answer for you on that one.) My method of DBing was focusing on me with one eye on H to see how he was reacting - that's not true DBing - I don't think (clearly I'm still making sense of this).
After a recent C session in which I discovered that my whole point in wanting my H to work on our R was becuase I felt that if he didn't I was losing a battle (rather than a relationship) I decided to release him from all relationship requirements. I told him that I was no longer going to ask him to: attend family events, go with me on vacations, come to counseling, work on fixing our m, quit his job, end his R with ow, spend time with me, have dinner with me, hang out with me, etc. I took off my rings, packed away all my marriage self help books and began treating him as if he is my roommate. I basically stopped pulling at him and have let him go. His reaction has been quite interesting. He is beginning to get his life back on track - he bought a car, asks me to do countless things with him, tells me more "stuff" about his day, and has even gone back to the church that kicked him out due to his A (long story here, he just really feels like he has to deal with those people - he needs closure, I won't bore you with the details), comments about our future together, tells me all the time that he loves me, compliments me, assures me that his A is over and he is avoiding OW, etc.
We still have so far to go. I have seriously contemplated moving out. I'm working with C on figuring out why I would choose to be in a M like this rather than just moving on. I can't answer that question - wish I could. I'm not proud of staying in this M. I'm ashamed of being in it. I'm ashamed of him. This is the first time in the last 1 1/2 years that I have let myself feel like I deserve more - that is such progress.
I have a new view of M as a whole. I have come to realize that H and I view M very differently. My C drew me 3 pictures representing marriage - picture 1 is 2 circles side by side touching, picture 2 is 2 circles side by side slightly overlapping, picture 3 is one circle inside the other - essentially 1 circle. I said that I view M as picture 1, C said most likely H views M as picture 3 (I asked him later and he does). People that view M as picture 3 struggle with their own identity and often end up in affairs. They see M as constricting and commitment as terrifying because they can't envision where they fit into the M - they see that they have to lose themselves completely in order to function in the M. Those images have helped me incredibly. I have always viewed M as picture 1, but have acted like picture 3. My H has viewed M as picture 3 and has not been able to make that work in practicality - and who could and remain sane??
My goal is to operate as picture 1. I can't make ANY H a whole circle, but I can make me a whole circle and that really feels good. I went out for happy hour after work last week (h came by and joined us - he NEVER does that), started a ceramics class which is so much fun!, began going to C regularly, and am beginning my masters in the spring. I went away for a weekend with my family without H and will go away this weekend without H. I enjoy my family and am glad to be with them - H feels free to come and go as he pleases and that is making all the difference. It helps me too not to have to wonder where he is and what he is doing. I just don't think about it. Any time I start to "back-slide" I just think about the 2 circles. I've come to the conclusion that I can leave at any time I want and it's ok if I want to.
Stepping outside the comfort zone and being willing to be disturbed is really tough at first, but walking around in new skin feels good.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Wow ediemarie you sound wonderful!! I like that image thing, that's really interesting.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Nice to see you posting again. Even if what you do is not DB, we like to hear from you. We've become a circle of friends here, and when you don't write we miss you.
It is amazing isn't it, when you get past the round and round arguments that we all do over and over, how much other stuff there can be buried underneath?
Sounds like you are working your way out of the hole you were in. That is real progress. Have a happy thanksgiving.
Sara - thanks for missing me! I just couldn't write - my head was mush and I was WAY to focused fixing our R, I had to get my head in a better place. I am so glad to be here, though!
Nikki - that image thing really helped me put things in perspective.
Well - I'm off to the parade with RMH (roommate husband)...yes, THE parade. I CANNOT wait!! I am so very excited. Everyone look for me on TV (oh, right, none of you know what I look like...I'll be the one in the lilac sweater and black pants...oh, nevermind).
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
Hey, girl, let me tell you that not only does it sound like you are doing great and will be wonderful in the end no matter what happens, but what you have written will help a ton of others here!
Actually what you are doing and how you are feeling right now sounds like true DB'ing to me! You have now reached the ULTIMATE DETACHMENT which is what we are supposed to do, right?
That's kind of the bottom line here -- we're supposed to be truly happy w/ ourselves and our lives w/ or w/out our spouse and let them be free to figure things out on their own and it's like that saying "let them go free & if they come back it was meant to be" or however that goes. They finally see what they are throwing away. Unfortunately, sometimes by that time, it's too late. They've done so much damage, however, at that point is when we can begin to build a new R/M b/c the old one is dead and was probably not good anyway & that's how we came to be here.
Anyway, kind of rambling, but I just wanted to say that you sound wonderful and I'm so glad that you have gotten to this good place w/in YOURSELF. Truly an inspiration. I've been kind of down the last week or so and this is where I need to get!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Edie it is wonderful to see you back! Everyday I look for you, so it was nice to see you!. It is so wonderful that you have gotten yourself to where you are, it sounds so wonderful. I wish I could get myself to the place you are, and I am not just talking about the parade!!!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
picture 3 is one circle inside the other - essentially 1 circle.
I would bet a paycheck that my H would see it this way too. Puts waaaay too much of his 'happiness responsibility' on me. I see it as Picture 1, like you.
hey edie, sorry you have been struggling, but things aren't too bleak. Just a big ol' bump. I totally understand what you mean about 'losing the battle, and not the relationship'. I totally get that.
Oh hon, I have barely began to understood what you totally understand and are able to do. Detachign too from my "room mate", was doing a good job at it, thougtht things might go well from there, but the old depression lifted is head, so, here we go again.
I applaud you for releasing you --and him-- from all expectations, hope i get there eventually. Apparently your new approach is working and am very happy for you!
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
