TxMom- help I'm still hopeful -#2 post

[TxMomw/2girls]

OK - first post locked... if anyone knows how to copy my first thread link into this one let me know.. old thread "H moved out - Help in crisis"

Hope you all find me..

I need some DB vets... some sucess stories... I feel hopeless somedays

I know my H has only been out of the house a month .... going on two months since Bomb next week... I feel hopeless sometimes and I want my marriage and my H back... a better healthier H back...

Some times I just doubt he'll come back or it will be so long before he realizes what he left that I'll be long gone by then.... I know I can't rush this but I need sucess of marriages that worked... after H or W moved out...

PuppyDog and Coach and ST I made it I think you all have good sucesses... please share with me...

My H watched our kids last two days while I was out of town on business... I came home last night and was upbeat and in a great mood... H seemed too be in a good place too. My D4 grabbed both of us (her in the middle) and pulled us together for "group hug" which we use to do so often.. My H put his hand around my back and rub it.. (funny how I now notice every little touch) .. he text me later and told me that is was the best day and half he has had in a long time ... I said I'm glad to hear that...

He said he wanted to go to the state fair this weekend with the kids and me ( I had brought it up originally) - I'm trying to play nice and do things with him so he leaves with good feelings of his family... If this goes through this will be the first family function we will have done.. He has already mentioned Halloween and coming over... Most of you give me great advice to let him come around .. it is time he is not spending with OW..

He still hasn't locked in his furnished apartment as he said he would this week... he is still staying with his 25yr old in a small apt... drives me crazy ... but I guess if he had his own place would he really be staying there??? Do I say anything again to him on this subject?

For the vets or anyone... I'm doing 180's I've learned being cold and stand offish he will close up and not be as eager to be with kids and me... I think my H struggles with depression per our C and not due to the situation he has off and on our whole marriage... he has a negative way of thinking when it comes to himself ... I also think possible mild MLC but how do we really know.. I know I treat this as an addiction and that does help me separate it... if he was doing drugs I would be supportive but b/c it's another women it makes it so hard..

I need some encouragment..

I will check on everyone else today too..

[hope3343]

Hi Tx Mom,
I think you should read under Michele's forum I think it is titled "another Divorce Busted". This is a whole stream of success stories. I have read through some of them when I was really down and some of the stories seemed hopeless.

I know we both are recently seperated and I know your feeling of loss. These past 4 days have been better for me. If I start to project too much in the future I practically have a panic attack. Right now it is a black hole that I can't predict.

We keep going through in our heads "what did we do", "what did they do", we want to turn back the clock and know what we could change -- I know we can't.

In my M, we drifted -- absolutely -- but did my H have to cheat? absolutely not. Yes it is a full blown MLC, he is the poster child. He had a crisis at work which I think offset it, and then he turned 49, I was traveling and he started with EA with his direct report and then it turned into a PA, which he denies to this day.

I am currently reading "surviving an affair" and it is interesting. When the A was secretive it was exciting and fun, now that it is exposed my H has been depressed especially knowing that our daughters know. I am hoping that it will have a negative impact on his relationship with OW. Also the fear of losing his job must be taking a toll on him if it exposed at work.

Take one day at a time, if that is too much take one baby step at a time. It does seem like your H is responding to your DBing. I think it is really positive that H wants to go to state fair. Look great, smile, be positive. I do know for myself that when I spend too much time with my H I feel like the neediness comes out. If you feel like that - go a different way than him at the fair even if you take a long bathroom break and "talk yourself down". You need not to talk about R, concentrate on the happiness of your children and how H reacts to a beautiful day out with his happy family.

I know it is hard to have patience -- but I have learned I can't change this on my time -- I have to turn it over to God and let Him work on my H while I work on myself.

Wish I could give you my testimony as a success story but I hope in the future it will be. You know we are here for you.

[Yoyowife]

Hi TM,
Sounds like you are doing good job DBing. Just remember time spent with you and the kids is time away from the OW. Make it count. Have fun at the fair.

[Little Engine]

If you hit the FAQ you can probably figure out how to hyperlink to your First Thread in your signature. Look at the information and examples on UBB threads. Or Google search UBB Threads and you can learn how it is done.

[hope3343]

Here is a link to more success stories.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1229971&page=1&fpart=1

[TxMomw/2girls]

thank you all -

LE I will try to link my first thread...

Hope thanks for encouraging words... and lets face it he could very well change his mind about the fair tomorrow...

I of course looked at his credit card on line today and just continue to see all the lunches and dinners during the week he is doing with her and on this past Tuesday (which he told me was horrible day b/c he let his girls down) he went to lunch and had drinks with her - both in her territory... how upset were you ??? so I now feel like I don't want to see him tomorrow and I don't want to play nice .. gosh it comes and goes constantly... but I have to remember she is what takes him away from reality too ...

I hate this.... I want to work on my M and then I want to throw in the towel some days...

I hope my weekend ends up better than last weekend... I play tennis tomorrow so I will picture his face when I hit the ball ...

I'll be on and off so post if you need encouraging words...

[hope3343]

Hi Txmom, I check the credit cards too, this past month my H put $2000 on his card. All charges for gas, CVS, anything. He is spending money like crazy. H also bought OW a birthday present since he spent $260 the day before her birthday at Dillards. There was also some other charges in the past months there for around $550 each. I think H bought her 2 coach bags because both times I saw her she had a different coach. This might be my imagination but I think my hunch is right. H always spent money but not like this and now he doesn't have to funds to keep up that life style. H will crash and burn financially in about 2 months.
I will be on later. take care.

[TxMomw/2girls]

Ok ...

I need some serious next steps after this weekend. Keeps getting worse...

HELP me see clear as I feel I'm in the fog of pain and confussion... how do I handle moving forward...

Tough love, no talking... or keep playing it cool like no big deal... I feel I need to distance myself this week at least... I think no Halloween with the family either next weekend like I was going to do... ?????? read and advise please

Here I go:

H came over Sat. to watch girls and then we went to state fair... had a good time considering... right when we got home I left to go see movie and then to friends house.. I get home about 12:30am he comes down stairs and says..

H " I think I might leave"
Me - " thought you had committed to staying until Sunday morning help with girls" I said I could use the break as I am the one doing it all so couple of nights/mornings would help
H - said fine but he doesn't feel comfortable here...
Me- I said if I had known that I could have made arrangments to stay out
I then asked is someone making you feel uncomfortable...
H -said no
he decided to stay...

In the morning I slept in ... when I woke I said I was going to church... he asked if I was taking the girls and I said I guess so since you needed to leave... He said he was thinking of going to church too - not with us.. (never is he the one to suggest church)

After I'm ready and he is dressed I started figuring out he must be going with OW..(he was in bathroom texting her) I asked him are you going by yourself? He said he didn't know.. that set me off as he couldn't answer the question.. He was going to go to the church that he and I went too the whole time we dated and we got married in... couldn't believe it. He said she is Catholic too...

I told him to get out and I broke down crying... How can God ( or evil) bring these two together and they think they can go to church hand in hand ...

I text him this
ME : You leave your kids and family to go to church and you meet the women you are having an affair with to go to church with her? You can separate your two lives that easily?

H reply: It is not that, it's more that I don't want to or feel like being around you that much... our marriage life is over being a Dad will always be.

Me: I'm sorry you feel this way..

I know the whole believe half of what you hear crap... but he seems so done.. can't understand how overnight he seems to even lost the slightest feeling of friendship or caring ... just poof it's gone... I can think of endless loving things he has done for me the past 4-6 months and 3 months now into an affair it is just wiped clean...

I am going to have to separate myself from him, at least for the next week or two.. I can't keep playing the nice person.. I thought I was seeing some small steps these last two weeks with some emotion, asking questions, etc... I couldn't believe he actually wanted to go to the fair either... I guess it was too much for him.. he doesn't feel connected to me and the family I guess.

I know some might say keep DBing and being nice, neighborly... make me the better option than OW.. but right now I think it is too soon for him.. he is too "in love" with her .. we are going on 2 months since bomb.. one month out of house. I think I need to distance myself and not have any communication verbally at least with him...

Unfortunately I need him as I travel for my job and he has to watch the kids more than usual...

HELP - next steps

[hope3343]

Hi txmom, I feel your pain. My H too seems to be so "in love" with OW. I am also trying to be nice but inside I feel crushed so I am thinking of NC also. I know even with T2L at the beginning had almost no contact with H and it is only now that she had gone into Plan A.

It is a double edge sword...when I see my H alot then I think he pulls back because he is trying to be true to OW, and then when I don't see him like this weekend I feel crushed.
I think part of our problem is that we still think they are our husbands. They are but they don't see that.

It might be good to detach for awhile. Don't call/text except for anything with the kids and only when it is absolutely necessary. H is probably getting pressure from OW so H cannot see out of the fog. I am agreeing with T2L, the OW is like an addiction because I could see it with my H. For him to break his daughters heart because "he is not happy" is not just selfish but it is like OW has sucked in his soul.

I am trying to decide the same about "being nice". I know H wants to be my friend. I don't want that. What is really hurtful is that the OW works with both of us. She is in another building but I saw her twice last week. It wrecks me. I just sit there and ask God to give me strength.

How did the state fair actually go? Was it awkward for both of you. You are looking at it from a different perspective than H probably was. He was looking at it as being a Daddy and you were looking at it as being a family and him the husband.

I think by the tone of your post that you have made your decision to detach. I will keep you posted on what I will do also.

[twinhope]

TxMom and Hope, I feel your pain. I have not posted in a while. For the past 2wks. I have been really trying to separate myself from him and he was making it very difficult. When a couple of weeks ago I found out thru his email that my H was trying to buy a house, I felt very betrayed and wanted to put plan B into motion. My H made an excuse to come to the house for something and he felt that I was acting strange to him. That something was wrong with me (duh, you left me and the girls, that couldn't be it!). But he came and sat down for 45mins to chat about life and going down memory lane at times. He wanted my feedback on him getting a new job and I told him that I did not want to get involved b/c if I gave advice and it was not what he wanted to do that he would resent me. I asked him if he has anybody else to talk about this with and he said no. Funny that the OW is perfect for everything else but real life issues must be the 21yr old thing. He went to leave and tried to hug me as usual and I gave him a hug but not the hug he wanted which were typically long embraces everytime he sees me. He then ran into my friend and asked her if I was alright. He thought I was acting funny and that I was going to drop a bomb on him. She tried to explain this situation he is putting me in and he does not get why we can't be friends. He told her to tell me that he really wants me to confide in him and to know he will always be here for me. This is too much for me b/c as he says this he does not want to get back together and he runs off with the OW. A friend of mine found out that her 32yr old H has been having an A with his 21yr old receptionist at work. My friend told my H of this and he then asked me about it and what had happened. I told him the same thing and he said to me "Oh, that must be so bad for them" If this does not show how crazy he is I don't know what would. He is doing the same thing and sees no problem with it and wants us to be friends! ARGGGGGG!

Well I have managed to make the last 2wks without seeing him and having him pick the girls up a daycare. It was not enough for him b/c he on friday called and said that he was going to stop at the house before he picks up the girls at daycare to pay me support. I told him that he could just put the check in the their bag and I would get it on monday. He said ok and then wanted to have friendly talk after that. 5:30 rolls around and he shows up at the house saying that he wanted he thought he would stop by and see if I was home to give me the check. He again said I was acting funny and he was looking around the house as if I had someone there. He stayed a bit and I was nice but not over friendly real short and to the point. He left no hug attempt. He then called 15mins later after he picked up the girls to have me talk to them. He never does that. Needless to say that night I went to a friends and we had a few drinks and she told me to text him that I was leaving her house and to have sweet dreams. I did it at 1:30am. Since he had left the house unless asked I have not told my H when, where, or who I go out with so this was not like me. No response from him until I called the next night to say goodnight to the girls. He asked right away if I sent him a text last night. I told him yes and he said that he thought I meant to send the text to someone else. I told him no it was for him and he said that he didn't expect that from me b/c I have been so standoffish to him. We had a little small talk and that was that. That leads to tonight. I called the girls to say goodnight and no answer. He calls back 10mins later and was very friendly telling me about the girls great day with potty training. I heard a womens voice and realized that the OW was there. I was livid. Here he is being all nice telling me about their day at the pumpkin patch and I hear her talking to my daughters. He is now moved to where he feels comfortable talking to me while she is around and I guess thinks I should be ok with all of this. Well I am not! I wrote my Plan B letter a week ago and went over it with my C. She said I need to set boundries b/c it is very hard on me and he seems to have a warped sense of reality and is "in a fog" and being nice is not doing anything but keeping him content. I am headed to our hometown on thursday for my cousins wedding and I am thinking of giving him the letter when he drops the girls off at the house on thursday. I was going to hand him the letter, give him a big hug, and a kiss on the cheek. I know that this is not DB but I feel that things are getting worse. So I feel like I am in the same boat as you both so if you ask me at this moment I think we should all do the plan B but I may not be thinking clearly. What do you guys think. So sorry for the long post!