I really hope you don't mind me starting this thread. I remember so well when I came to this BB and wanted my marriage restored. Although by now I know that that is not the main objective, because it is our OWN happiness and fullfillment that comes first, I also know that hope is something we all need. Not false hope...but TRUE HOPE.
I know that there are many of you here on your way to recovery and some of you are quite far along into a new and wonderful relationship with your MLC/WAW spouse !
I hope that you will post your name and a short version of your story, on this thread to keep the hope alive !
Maybe even after being here for nearly a year now and nearly 2 years post bomb...I too need to be reminded that HOPE exists.
I hope that each and every person who comes to this thread new/old finds the person they want to be inside of themselves and have a fullfilling and great future !!! Take care !
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
My h and I were separated for almost 2 years. He is moving back piece by piece but is here every night and when he is off from work. This has been since January. As you remember he had a very hard time breaking it off with the ow but she is finally out of his life.
He is doing wonderful and I am truly happy!!!! We are able now to do things together and really enjoy each other.
We both have grown so much through this whole process. Alot you you know my story and remember that I had lost hope many times and was ready to throw in the towel.
I don't get on the board as much as I used to but I did want to let you know that there is hope. I am more in love with my h now than ever before and will NEVER take our R or M for granted again!
Faith and YR, thanks SO MUCH - this is exactly the type of post I had hoped would reach this thread !
I am so proud of the women you have become ! I am so proud of your capacity to love !! I am even prouder of your will to share your hope with us all here !!!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart !
I hope many more will follow!!!!
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
I'm going to edit my introductory post from the KLA Forum.
I've been on DB-MLC Forum since April 2005.
This is not a declaration of a restored marriage. MLC is a rollercoaster of many ups and downs. Even now when things seems so much better...there may be twist up ahead.
Timeline
20-Mar-2005 Bomb Drop, OW waiting on sidelines--not yet physical
3-May-2005 Sweetheart moved to apartment
28-May-2005 OW affair physical, Sweetheart moved in with OW
9-Jun-2005 Sweetheart filed
24-Aug-2005 We moved (snuck) Sweetheart out of OW's. Stopped divorce. I told Sweetheart to break up with OW in person…he went to her work. Sweetheart moved to neighbours because I wouldn't let him come straight home.
Late Sept/Early Oct Moved out, moved in, moved out
9-Nov-2005 - 30-Dec-2005 Home
30 Dec-2005 - 29-March-2005 OW's - With a mini break: 19-27 Jan-2006 when he moved home for a week. Button Pushing all week
29-Mar-2006 - 7-Jul-2006 Home
7-Jul- Oct 2006 OW's By choice
Oct-2006 - 6-Jan-2007 OW's...stuck there Sweetheart said he wanted to move home. I said No…not yet, we were going to break his 3 month in/out pattern.
6-Jan-2007 Moved Home - I told him he could move home. Sweetheart always snuck out of the OWs. This time he immediately changed his cell # and the OW figured it out because she was calling him. She came to our house, trespassed into out back yard where the cops found her.
He has been home since. Much stronger. We saw a counselor a few times, but neither of us liked him...he told Sweetheart he should be divorced.
Sweetheart started seeing a different counselor on his own a couple weeks ago.
Many, perhaps most, would not be able to handle 6 in/outs in less than 2 years. I was not a doormat. I told him if he chose to be with the OW, he was choosing not to live at our house--thus I wasn't the one kicking him out. I also told him I would not be friends except in a marital context. I do not recommend this with all situations. I knew it would work with Sweetheart because he clung to me and did not want to lose me.
Personal Strength aned Self-Focus are vital. These are pavement for a safe path home, with these Forgiveness, Love/Agape, Grace, Peace, Compassion...fall into place.
Cinders, My H and I are in a healing phase; I still don't know what the future brings, if either H or I will "blow" this reconciliation in some way. However, I can say this most definitely, that through my H's confusion I learned what I am about and where I am going. I have always had poor esteem, but going through this challenge, I somehow made peace with myself and like myself. Journey, you are one cool lady, hahaha.
I came to this website in 5/04, posting on the SSM forum. We had a sexually starved marriage for years...my libido basically shut down. There were many reasons for this ( which I won't get into now). In the beginning of '04 a miracle happened and I began feeling sensual again, only to find that my H had no interest in me. I wanted to be more intimate, but he said he didn't have those feelings for me anymore. Unknown to me, he was living a secret life with OW.
My journey is about a secret being uncovered and developing myself, as my H struggled between two worlds. And it's about love and forgiveness as well, on so many levels. And if things go the way I'd like, it will be about two people having the courage, wisdom and maturity to truly be intimate.
well Hi Cinders Our reconciliation is going well sooo far! the short version , huh?
2001 h's father dies 2003 h looses family business
2004-2005 H unhappy, brooding, angry....all those pre-mlc markers falling into place...denial anger
Nov 2005 starts new job...meets OW
March/April 2006 EA officially starts. I was away I come home to a very estranged H...
May 2005 BOMB ILYBINILWY, i want to try a R w/OW, new motorcycle, new friends, hobbies
June 2006 Moves out
Oct 2006 Moves in w/OW
Dec 2006 H files for D
June 2007 first court date
July 2007 H asks to and comes HOME to rebuild M a new man.
so a 4-5 yr MLC that had 18 months of replay? he was gone for just over a year. the man that came back is better. we are better...the M will be better
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
Hi there - I haven't posted much lately - mostly have lurked when I needed a little extra strength.
Quick history: Hubs and I married for 3 yrs - spring of last year we seemed to go off in our different directions - me helping son start a buisness that took every bit of my extra time (and turned me into a cranky beyotch) - hubs was traveling south in our state and hanging out with some pretty powerful people (lawyer types). He met someone in one of the offices and they had an affair. I found out in Feb (no names, just that there was someone else). He wanted to work things out with me and we were supposedly in counseling until June - however, the same behavior was still be shown - he was secrative, etc etc. Finally he had had enough of my "craziness" and on a Monday told me in front of the counseler that he was done and moving out that day. And he did. And he met with a lawyer the next day.
People - this is where my DB FINALLY kicked in. I said fine. He moved out and in with some of our friends that were just floored. They too had been saying that he had totally just changed over the past year and were totally baffled by all this. Anyways - for 3 weeks we had no communication except for the first week a couple emails about the divorce - but that's it. HE FILED, paid a 1800 retainer, put a deposit on an apartment and had sent me the papers to fill out. We already had everything separated (we have 3 kids but they are mine from a previous - the house is in my name etc etc).
3.5 weeks later on a Saturday he texted me out of the blue and asked if we could talk. I said no - he said he had too - that he couldn't look at himself in the mirror. I finally gave in and he came over - long story short - he hasn't left since.
This isn't the end of the story though - he called me on Saturday (7/14) - but apparently the Friday (7/13)before he had finally on his own totally cut off all communication and told the OW it was over. However I didn't find this out until Tuesday (7/17) when I saw a text from her (yes I snooped and told him) The text talked about how she couldn't believe he left her - they were perfect together (she's married too - no kids). We sat on the floor both sobbing - and he finally spilled the ENTIRE story - however, from the text I KNEW he told me the truth then (he failed to tell me all this when talked that Saturday night). I made him call her then and there and tell her not to contact him again that he was home, he loved me and that we were going to work it out - I listened to the entire conversation and talked to her myself. Um, she was NOT a happy girl about that. I now knew her name, her firm EVERYTHING. She then proceeded to leave him an additional 6 voicemails plus all the ones from over the weekend - he allowed me to listen to every one of them. Since that day - he has been a total open book to me - and my gut says so too.
Guys - it's only been 3 months for me - and if anything would hold us back it's me. He allows me to "investigate" ANYTHING that I don't feel good about. He understands that it's going to take me a while. I ask him questions quite often and find that much of what people say on here is true - they really don't remember alot of the details - we make up far more than they even remember. Right now, I am my own worst enemy. He consistantly on a daily basis lets me know that I am the one he loves and that he regrets hurting me the way he did. He totally gets what he's done.
Do I think he should "pay" more for what he's done? Honestly, when a person really repents (not in a spiritual way even) and their eyes are finally clear and open to the hurt they've caused, I think the shame and embarassment is more than what we can understand.
Friends, only YOU can decide what is best for you. I did not want to get divorced, but I wanted someone that I didn't have to feel I had to be Matlock around 24/7 either. When he told me he was moving out - after the inital sadness, there was actual relief. I loved him, I wanted him - but I deserved better than that.
He's become the man again that I fell in love with - every part of him is mine for the taking.
One last thought - EVERY DAY - EVERY SINGLE DAY since the phone call with her 7/17 she is in my thoughts. I have googled her until kingdom comes and I know every detail of her life. I give this woman WAY too much time in my life. It's only (not even!) been 3 months and I think I've done remarkably well but I have to stop. I have to let it really be done. This is harder than the forgiveness. I wish just forgetting was as easy.
H and I married 21 years MLC 2 1/2 years separated 1 year, asked for D July 2006 D stopped Oct 2006 back together May 2007. We are both so relieved to be back together and it is so different from before. One thing you learn is never to take each other for granted. In my opinion true MLC is definately the "bomb" drop and an equally sudden realisation that they want to come back. My Hs MLC was compounded with PTSD too which made it even yuckier! There was OW but not in this country so made life a little easier (but not much) to deal with. It isn't really the physical side of having OW that bothers it is the fact that your soul mate and bestfriend is now confiding with OW more than you. That really hurt. Anyway anyone who read my Hs vitriolic post on here knows how deep in MLC he was so I hope this gives some hope to others.
