In today’s video, I explain what to do if you’re a spouse who has committed an act of infidelity and you still have feelings for the affair partner.
Although this is a very challenging situation, expecting your feelings to simply die off is unrealistic. Positive feelings toward your former affair partner is a very normal reaction, even if it’s been quite some time since the act of infidelity. Having these feelings, however, does not mean that you should act on these feelings. Recognizing that this is a normal process to go through should better help you to cope with the agony and confusion you’ve been going through.
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Hi I’m Michele Weiner-Davis, founder of http://DivorceBusting.com
A couple of days ago I got a letter from a women who had given up an affair five years before but found herself having lingering thoughts of love and connection about this guy even though she had decided to work on her marriage. She was wondering if those feelings she was having for this long-lost lover meant that she made a mistake and should have been with him instead of her husband. She wanted to know my opinion, well here’s my opinion. Anytime you’ve had a meaningful relationship with someone, even if it’s been elicit and wrong, and you have warm feelings for that person. When you end that relationship inevitably there’s going to be grief. Inevitably there’s going to be longing and missing of that person. There’s nothing wrong with having those feelings, those are special feelings that you can hold inside.
What you do about your feelings is what counts. This women made the right decision to be in her marriage to work on her marriage and make it better. She should cherish the feelings that she’s had with this other person that have had good times and good connections, but she doesn’t necessarily have to act on it.
So, honor those feelings, don’t expect them to go away, then you’ll be at peace with yourself. I gave her that answer, she wrote me back, she said, “that is so simple, so perfect, why didn’t I think of that?” Well now you should think of that because it will work for you too.