What NOT to Do When Your Marriage Is Struggling
- Michele Weiner Davis
- Apr 14
- 3 min read
What Should You Avoid Doing in a Struggling Marriage?
When your marriage is struggling, what you stop doing can be just as important as what you start doing.
Many well-intentioned actions actually make problems worse by reinforcing negative patterns.
If your current approach isn’t working, repeating it won’t fix the outcome.
Why People Make Things Worse Without Realizing It
When faced with disconnection, most people react emotionally and instinctively.
They try to:
Fix things quickly
Get immediate answers
Push for change
Restore the connection fast
But urgency often leads to unhelpful behaviors that increase pressure and resistance.
The Most Common Mistakes to Avoid
1. Over-Talking the Problem
Trying to solve everything through constant conversation can:
Create emotional fatigue
Increase defensiveness
Lead to repeated, unproductive discussions
2. Chasing for Connection
Pursuing your partner too intensely can:
Feel like pressure
Reduce attraction
Push them further away
3. Reacting Emotionally in the Moment
Immediate emotional reactions often:
Escalate conflict
Reinforce negative cycles
Prevent productive interaction
4. Trying to Force Change
Telling your partner what they “should” do:
Creates resistance
Leads to defensiveness
Reduces cooperation
5. Focusing Only on Your Partner’s Behavior
Blaming or focusing solely on what your partner is doing wrong:
Keeps you stuck
Prevents pattern change
Removes your ability to influence the dynamic
The Pattern Behind These Mistakes
All of these behaviors have one thing in common:
They come from urgency and frustration.
React–Escalate Cycle
You react emotionally
Your partner responds defensively or withdraws
You increase intensity
The situation worsens
The Shift That Actually Works
Instead of reacting instinctively, you begin to respond intentionally.
The “Pause and Choose” Strategy
Before reacting, you:
Pause
Recognize the pattern
Choose a different response
What This Looks Like in Real Life
Your partner says something frustrating.
Old response:
Immediate reaction
Defensiveness or criticism
Escalation
New response:
Pause before speaking
Keep tone calm
Choose a response that reduces tension
Why This Works
When you stop reinforcing the pattern:
Conflict loses momentum
Your partner experiences something different
The interaction shifts
Change doesn’t start with forcing your partner—it starts with changing your response.
What You Can Do Starting Today
Try this for the next 7 days:
Notice your automatic reactions
Pause before responding
Avoid repeating behaviors that haven’t worked
Focus on calm, consistent responses
Small changes in behavior create larger shifts over time.
A Reality Check
Avoiding these mistakes won’t fix everything overnight.
But continuing them will keep you stuck.
Progress starts when patterns stop repeating.
When You’re Ready to Change the Pattern Faster
Understanding what not to do is important.
Knowing exactly what to do instead—especially in real-time situations—is where real progress happens.
Divorce Busting 2-Day Intensives: Save Your Marriage Fast
The Divorce Busting 2-Day Intensives are designed to help you:
Identify the patterns keeping your marriage stuck
Replace unhelpful behaviors with effective responses
Learn how to respond in difficult moments
Create meaningful change in a focused, structured environment
Instead of repeating the same mistakes, you’ll gain clear, actionable strategies tailored to your situation.
If you’re ready to stop making things worse and start creating real change, this is the fastest way forward.
Explore the 2-Day Intensive here:https://www.divorcebusting.com/intensives
Final Thought
When your marriage is struggling, effort alone isn’t enough. Direction matters.
When you stop doing what doesn’t work, you create space for something better to take its place.
