The Thumper Marriage

Do you remember the movie, Bambi? Although it was actually made in 1942, many generations of children have seen it since.

I recently thought of Bambi because one of the characters in the movie- Thumper, a baby rabbit- had recited a lesson he had learned from his father, advice that I consider timeless.

"If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

I wish more people embraced this philosophy!

Now, don't get me wrong, there are times when it's important to speak up about things that might not be so "nice." 

Letting negative thoughts and feelings brew continuously can produce catastrophic results.

But in my work with couples, I’ve observed that so many people are simply hyper-focused on what isn't  working in their marriages or what their spouses are doing "wrong." 

Then, it becomes compelling to comment on these annoyances, hurts, disappointments or frustrations because after all, they’re just “speaking their truths.” Compounding matters is the belief that talking about dissatisfactions is a way of “working on their marriages.”

But here’s what really happens.

When people regularly focus on the negative or criticize their spouse's behaviors, their partner's shut down emotionally or become defensive and strike back. 

In essence, rather than improve their lives together, criticism makes couples grow further apart.

There's something else to consider.

Although talking about tough subjects is necessary sometimes, how you talk about these things can really make a difference.  

You can still be nice.

For example, a wife who attended a 2-day intensive told her husband, "You're a narcissist. The only person you ever think about is yourself. You don't care about my needs to spend more time together."

Let's just say that I had my work cut out for me.

Since this woman's need to have a more loving connection with her husband was completely valid, I suggested she try a different approach.

I said, "Try saying, I miss you. I've noticed that when spend more time together, we get along better, we have more fun together. 

I would love it if you would consider scheduling a date night with me on a weekly basis so that we can enjoy our lives together."

In other words, it helps to request a change rather than register a complaint. 

Express what you'd like to have happen in the future rather than complain about what hasn't happened in the past. Start your sentences with, “It would mean a lot to me if you _______,” rather than, “You never _____.”

You’ll get better results.

Let me give you an example.  Many years ago, I remember having a conversation with Jim, my husband, about feeling that our lives had become stale- all work and no play. 

We had two young children at the time and two busy careers.  Weekends were spent vegging out.  I was looking for more adventure, more novelty. Simply put, I wanted to inject more energy into our relationship and have more fun.

So, I said to him, “I have been thinking. I’ve noticed that on weekends, we never do anything fun.  We don’t go out to dinner or even do fun family things.

I could sense Jim’s annoyance. He replied, “I work so hard during the week, I just like to relax on weekends,” which, of course prompted me to make a stronger case for my desired outcome.

“I can’t believe you don’t want to do more things.  All we do is sit around the house,” to which he replied angrily (and loudly), “All you ever do is complain!”

This actually confused me because I thought I was just trying to make things between us better!

I said to him (also loudly), “Look, I’m not asking for much.  All I really want is for us to go into the city once a month, try a new restaurant, go to a concert or do something we don’t usually do.  Just once a month!”

He looked at me and said, “That’s fine!  Why didn’t you say that? I’m willing to do that!  But why don’t you just say that?”

I realized in a New York minute that, had I started with a statement of what I wanted instead of why I was miserable, I could have avoided the entire argument.

Lesson learned.

Another point.

It's so fascinating how often people tell me that they shower their children with praise because they understand the importance of acknowledgment and appreciation. 

Yet, when it comes to their spouses, praise is in short supply.

One man even said, "Why should I praise her? She's an adult, not one of my kids. I don't expect praise and neither should she."

Wrong.

We all like to feel appreciated and recognized for contributions to our marriages and families and life in general. 

It feels good. 

It breeds self-confidence. 

It connects people emotionally.

Plus, research tells us that the most efficient way to modify someone's behavior is- drum roll, please- positive reinforcement, not criticism.

And one final point.

Years ago I did a workshop and an attendee gave me a gift at the end of our time together. It was a 300-page, hardcover book entitled, "The Art of Creating a Loving Marriage."  

On every single page- all 300 of them- only 3 words were printed- “Be nice. Be nice. Be nice."

Should be a bestseller.

Have you been nice lately?