How Political Differences are Tearing Families Apart

Meet Marla: A Journey Through Marital Challenges

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Marla and her husband, Brent, are sitting in my office. We’re about to start a two-day intensive to determine if their marriage is salvageable.

The Beginning of Their Love Story

I soon learn that Marla and Brent have three children under seven. Marla is a stay-at-home mom, while Brent works as an attorney. They met abroad while traveling in Italy 15 years ago. They fell madly in love and married soon thereafter.

Both partners insist it was love at first sight. They shared so much: a love of travel, musical tastes, interest in the arts, gourmet food, and wine. Plus, they were both outdoor enthusiasts.

The Current Situation

Now, fast forward to today. Marla says she is seriously considering divorce. They fight all the time. When I ask Marla about their major source of conflict, she replies, “We argue vehemently about politics. I’m really questioning if I can stay with someone whose core values are so different from mine. It’s gotten to the point that I can’t believe I’m actually married to this person anymore. I don’t recognize him.”

Introducing Kayla and Jason

Let me also introduce Kayla and Jason. Although their marriage was in need of repair after an affair, a portion of our two-day intensive focused on issues with Jason’s extended family.

Jason grew up in a politically conservative home. When he went to college, his views about the world changed. He became decidedly less conservative than his parents and two siblings. Over the past few years, their political views diverged even more, making family gatherings contentious.

Kayla resented that Jason’s parents seemed relentless about having political debates during family dinners. She didn’t want their children exposed to Jason’s parents’ political perspectives. She also disliked the inevitable tension around mealtime.

Kayla insisted that she and Jason stop seeing his parents. She believed their children should no longer have a relationship with their grandparents. Although Jason loved his parents and disliked what he viewed as their “obsession” with politics, he agreed to go along with Kayla’s wishes.

And so ended the relationship between Jason, his wife, kids, and the family he grew up in, who, despite major political differences, he loved deeply.

The Rise of Political Polarization

As a therapist for over 40 years, I can say without question that there has been an increase in people ending important relationships due to polarized political views. I find this to be an incredibly sad and unfortunate turn of events.

In fact, it often breaks my heart. Gone are the days when people could calmly and respectfully discuss differences of opinion. Even when discussions became heated, they didn’t seem to warrant relationship exit strategies. They were simply disagreements, leaving people thinking, “I guess my parents (or whoever) just don’t get it.”

But now, when perspectives differ, it seems almost inevitable that what was once viewed as merely a “misguided” stance is now considered a major character flaw of the person holding that belief. To put it bluntly, anyone who disagrees with you has become an uninformed automaton, following the crowd in a cult-like manner.

Once you’ve ascertained that those who disagree with you are the enemy, cutting them out of your life becomes the logical next step.

A Different Approach

It doesn’t have to be that way, though. Let’s return to Marla and Brent. While it was true that there were differences in their beliefs about current events, upon closer inspection, there was actually some overlap.

Marla and Brent failed to notice this because they tended to escalate quickly during conversations, bringing out the most extreme aspects of their positions. Recognizing their points of agreement, no matter how small, felt healing to them.

Additionally, regarding Marla’s questioning of Brent’s core values, I guided our conversation to areas of their relationship where teamwork and collaboration were apparent.

Acknowledging Strengths

Like many couples, Marla and Brent acknowledged the parts of their relationship that went well, but they took these strengths for granted. That was a huge mistake. The places where their marriage “clicked” were critically important to both of them. They adored their kids and believed the other was a great parent. They valued each other’s input on important family lifestyle decisions and loved each other’s families of origin.

The list went on. In addition to helping them see that their primary objections were mainly limited to political differences—albeit very challenging—there was more to their “core values” than their political leanings.

Furthermore, I helped them end the hurtful pattern of trying to convince each other that their views were “correct.” Instead, they learned to either agree to disagree or, better yet, avoid those predictable, go-nowhere discussions entirely.

Navigating Challenging Times

Without question, we, as a country, are experiencing trying times. But I see this as an opportunity to learn to navigate challenging relationship interactions rather than write people off because we don’t agree.

I know these challenges firsthand. I’m in a bipartisan marriage. My husband and I have been together for over 50 years. I won’t lie. There are many days I wish we were on the same page about our political beliefs.

But would I give up our shared history, our mutual love for our children, the joy we feel watching our grandchildren grow, or our being together through this last chapter of our lives?

My vote? No way.

Conclusion: Finding Common Ground

In conclusion, navigating a marriage through political differences can be daunting. Yet, it’s essential to remember that love and shared experiences often outweigh disagreements. By focusing on what unites us rather than what divides us, we can foster stronger, more loving relationships.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, take a step back. Reflect on your shared values and experiences. You might be surprised by how much you still have in common.

Remember, it’s not about winning an argument; it’s about creating more love in your life and in the world.