How Political Differences are Tearing Families Apart

Meet Marla. She and her husband, Brent are sitting in my office. We’re about to start a 2-day intensive to determine if their marriage is salvageable.

I soon learn that Marla and Brent have 3 children under 7. She is a stay-at-home mom, he is an attorney. They met abroad while traveling in the Italy 15 years ago, fell madly in love and married soon thereafter.

Both partners insist it was love at first sight.

They shared so much: love of travel, musical tastes, interest in the arts, gourmet food and wine. Plus, they were both over-the-top outdoor enthusiasts.

The rest, they tell me, is history.

Now, fast forward to today.

Marla says she is seriously considering divorce; They fight all the time.

Asking what Marla considers to be their major source of conflict, she replies, “We argue vehemently about politics, and I am really questioning if I can stay with someone whose core values are so different from mine. It’s gotten to the point that I can’t believe I’m actually married to this person anymore. I don’t recognize him.”

Let me also introduce Kayla and Jason. Although their marriage was in need of repair after an affair, a portion of our 2-day intensive focused on issues with Jason’s extended family.

Jason grew up in a politically conservative home. When he went to college, his views about the world changed and he was decidedly less conservative than is parents and two other siblings.

Over the past few years, the differences in their political views diverged even more, and, as a result, family get-togethers became very contentious.

Kayla resented that Jason’s parents seemed relentless about having political debates during family dinners. She didn’t want their children to be exposed to Jason’s parents’ political perspectives, nor did she appreciate the inevitable tension around mealtime.

Kayla insisted that she and Jason stop seeing his parents, and that the children would no longer be permitted to have a relationship with their grandparents.

Although Jason loved his parents and disliked what he believed was their “obsession” with politics, he agreed to go along with Kayla’s wishes.

And so ended the relationship between Jason, his wife and kids, and the family he grew up in, who, despite major political differences, he very much loved.

As a therapist for over 4 decades, I can say without question that, in my practice, there has been an increase in people ending important relationships due to polarized political views.

I find this to be an incredibly sad and unfortunate turn of events.

In fact, I would say, that it often breaks my heart.

Gone are the days when people could calmly and respectfully discuss differences of opinion. Or, even when discussions became pitched, these debates didn’t seem to warrant nor elicit relationship exit strategizing.

They were simply disagreements, leaving people thinking, “I guess my parents (or whoever) just don’t get it.”

But now, when perspectives differ, it seems almost inevitable that was once looked upon as merely a “misguided” stance, is now considered to be a major character flaw of the person holding that belief.

To put it more bluntly, anyone who disagrees with you, has become an idiotic, uninformed, clueless automaton who, instead of having independent, reasoned thoughts, just follows the crowd in a cult-like manner.

Once you’ve ascertained that those who disagree with you are the enemy, cutting them out of your life becomes the logical next step.

It doesn’t have to be that way though.

Let’s go back to Marla and Brent.

While it was true that there were differences in their beliefs about current events, upon closer inspection, with my help, there actually was some overlap.

Marla and Brent failed to notice this because they tended to escalate quickly during conversations, bringing out the most extreme aspects of their positions in each other.

Recognizing their points of agreement, no matter how small, felt healing to them.

Additionally, in regards to Marla’s questioning Brent’s core values, I channeled our conversation to areas of their relationship where teamwork and collaboration was apparent.

Like many couples, although Marla and Brent acknowledged the parts of their relationship that went well, they took these strengths for granted.

That was a huge mistake.

The places where their marriage “clicked” were critically important to both of them. They both adored their kids. They believed the other person was a great parent. They valued each other’s input regarding important family lifestyle decisions. They loved each other’s families of origin.

The list went on.

In addition to helping them see that their primary objections were mainly limited to political differences- albeit very challenging- there was more to their “core values” than their political leanings.

Furthermore, I helped them to end the hurtful pattern of trying to convince each other that their views were “correct,” and instead, to either agree to disagree, or better yet, avoid those predictable, go-nowhere discussions entirely.

Without question, we, as a country, are experiencing trying times.

But I see this as an opportunity to learn to navigate challenging relationship interactions rather than write people off because we don’t agree.

I know these challenges first-hand.

I am in a bipartisan marriage. My husband and I have been together for over 50 years.

I won't lie.

There are many days I wish we would be on the same page about our political beliefs.

Alternatively, would I give up our shared history, our mutual love for our children, the joy we feel watching our grandchildren grow, or our being together through this last chapter of our lives?

My vote? No way.

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