5 Simple Ways to Argue Less as a Couple: Fight Less, Love More

Long-term relationships aren’t easy. No matter how compatible two people might be, there will inevitably be times when differences in opinions lead to arguments. Conflict, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. In fact, when handled well, it can lead to greater intimacy because partners feel heard, understood, and respected—essential ingredients for a solid emotional connection.

On the other hand, hurtful conversations can corrode the foundation of any relationship over time. That’s why it’s crucial for couples to do two things: learn ways to completely divert potential arguments, and when that doesn’t work, nip those arguments in the bud.

More of the Same Fights

Research suggests that more than two-thirds of what couples argue about is unresolvable. Whether it's differences in parenting styles, beliefs about the division of labor, the importance of sex, or how money is spent, the truth is that couples will never see eye-to-eye on some hot issues. But that doesn’t stop us from relentlessly trying to persuade our partners.

If you think about it, you can undoubtedly identify countless times you broached a controversial subject in your usual manner, knowing full well that your partner would react negatively. Yet, convinced you’re right, you do it anyway.

I often tell couples, “You know each other’s scripts so well that if one of you were sick, the other could be the understudy!”

I call these interactions “More of the Same” fights. Everyone engages in “automatic pilot” tiffs from time to time, but they’re completely avoidable. Here are five ways to end unproductive arguments:

1. Do Less of the Same

To break free from unproductive patterns, you have to change your steps in the dance. When you do, the dance will change. The next time you find yourself in an old, familiar, triggering situation, start by taking a deep breath. Ask yourself, “What’s my goal right now? Is what I’m about to do or say going to bring me closer to accomplishing my goal or push me further away?” If the answer is, “It will push me further away,” then don’t do it!

No matter how justified you feel, refrain from doing the same old thing. Instead, promise yourself you will do something different. Doing anything different has a better chance of avoiding an unnecessary fight. Focus on developing a “trial-and-error” mindset, noticing what works and what doesn’t. Make a commitment to do more of what works.

2. Choose Your Battles Wisely: Let the Small Things Slide

Another tool in your argument-averting toolkit is adhering to the principle that some battles simply aren’t worth fighting. You should choose your battles wisely. Although “sweeping things under the carpet” when you have lingering feelings of resentment isn’t healthy for your relationship, neither is making a mountain out of a molehill.

The key to this strategy lies in knowing the difference between issues that warrant your going to the mat—like being treated with respect and kindness—versus disliking your partner’s quirky habits. In spite of the popular marital maxim that you should always “speak your truth,” sometimes silence is golden.

3. Talk Less, Listen More

Unfortunately, when it comes to marital sparring, we’re often too busy stating our positions to genuinely hear or be curious about our partners’ thoughts or feelings. Then, because we feel unheard, we up the ante and more zealously reiterate our opinions.

The key to neutralizing any escalating argument is to stop talking, listen to what the other person has been saying, and acknowledge their feelings. You don’t have to agree with the feelings being expressed. Simply say, “I honestly see your point. My perspective is different, but I do understand why you feel the way you do. Here’s what I hear you saying.” Reflect back your take on what you’ve heard. It’s astonishing how readily people become more conciliatory when they feel their messages have gotten through.

4. Take a Time Out

There are times when avoiding unproductive arguments becomes more challenging, and before you know it, you’re fuming. It’s not helpful to discuss important matters when you’re agitated because you’re more likely to be defensive and retaliatory.

One key to de-escalating dead-end debates lies in your ability to spot them early on, before you become emotionally hijacked. Here are some signs that it’s time for a break from the discussion:

1. Behaviors in your partner indicating anger: Does your spouse’s voice become louder? Does he or she sound like a broken record, repeating a point over and over? Does their body language—crossed arms, piercing eyes, or no eye contact—signal that further conversation will be fruitless?

   
   

2. Negative self-talk: Are you saying to yourself, “Here we go again. He’s not listening anymore,” or “She is being such a jerk. Why can’t we ever talk about anything calmly?”

   
   

3. Tension in your own body: Our minds and bodies are connected. When we become upset, we feel it in our bodies. Some people describe a tightness in their chests, while others say their stomachs are “in a knot.” Still, others experience “adrenaline rushes.”

   
   

Take a Time Out!

When you first become aware of any of the signs above, it’s essential to take a time out! Choose a behavioral signal, such as forming a “T” with both hands, or pick a word that is your “safe word.” Both partners must honor the request and take a break from each other for 30 minutes. Take a walk, read a book, or listen to music—whatever helps you relax.

After 30 minutes, reconvene and decide whether or not you need to revisit the conversation. If one partner feels “unfinished,” it’s important to re-up the discussion. However, if both partners wish to drop the issue, that’s perfectly acceptable. Not every conversation is worth resuming.

5. Never Lose Sight of Why You’re Together

Although the above strategies minimize the damage of pointless fighting, they’re no substitute for intentionally investing time and energy into maintaining the love that drew you together in the first place. Having date nights, engaging in meaningful conversations, and maintaining a satisfying sexual relationship go a long way to create strong bonds. These bonds help you weather unavoidable rocky times by allowing them to carry less weight and reminding you that “This, too, shall pass.”

Conclusion

Navigating the complexities of a long-term relationship can be daunting. However, by employing these strategies, you can foster a healthier dialogue with your partner. Remember, the goal is not to win arguments but to strengthen your connection. After all, a loving relationship is built on understanding, respect, and a willingness to grow together.

If you’re feeling stuck, consider seeking help from a professional. They can provide valuable insights and guidance tailored to your unique situation.

Ultimately, it’s about creating a partnership that thrives, even in the face of challenges. Together, you can build a future filled with love, understanding, and joy.