5 Simple Ways to Argue Less as a Couple: Fight Less, Love More

Long-term relationships aren’t easy. No matter how compatible two people might be, inevitably, there will be times when differences in opinions lead to arguments. Conflict, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. In fact, when handled well, it can lead to greater intimacy because partners feel heard, understood, and respected, essential ingredients for a solid emotional connection.

On the other hand, hurtful conversations are divisive and can corrode the foundation of any relationship over time. That’s why it behooves couples to do two things—learn ways to completely divert potential arguments, and when that doesn’t work, nip those arguments in the bud.

More of the Same Fights

Research suggests that more than two-thirds of what couples argue about is unresolvable. Whether it's differences in parenting styles or disparate beliefs about the division of labor around the house, the importance of sex, how money is spent, and so on, the truth is, couples will never see eye-to-eye on some hot issues. But that doesn’t stop us from relentlessly trying to persuade our partners.

In fact, if you think about it, you can undoubtedly identify countless times you broach a controversial subject in your usual manner, knowing full well that your partner will react negatively—and what he or she will actually say—but because you’re convinced you’re right, you do it anyway.

I often tell couples, “You know each other’s scripts so well, if one of you were sick, the other could be the understudy!”

I call these interactions “More of the Same” fights. Everyone engages in “automatic pilot” tiffs from time to time, but they’re completely avoidable. Here are five ways to end unproductive arguments:

1. Do less of the same.

To break free from unproductive patterns of interacting, you have to change your steps in the dance. When you do, the dance will change. 

The next time you find yourself in an old, familiar, triggering situation, start by taking a deep breath and asking yourself, “What’s my goal right now? Is what I’m about to do or say going to bring me closer to accomplishing my goal or push me further away?” And if the answer is, “It will push me further away,” then don’t do it! 

No matter how justified you feel or how wise you believe you are, refrain from doing the same old thing.

Instead, promise yourself you will do something different. Doing anything different has a better chance of avoiding an unnecessary fight. Then, focus on developing a “trial-and-error” mindset, noticing what works and what doesn’t work. Make a commitment to do more of what works

2. Choose your battles wisely. Let the small things slide.

Another tool in your argument-averting toolkit should be an adherence to the very important principle that some battles are simply not worth fighting; you should choose your battles wisely. Although “sweeping things under the carpet” when you have lingering feelings of resentment isn’t healthful for your relationship, neither is making a mountain out of a molehill.   

The key to this “choose your battles wisely” strategy lies in knowing the difference between issues that arise that warrant your going to the mat, such as being treated with respect and kindness, versus disliking your partner’s quirky modus operandi. In spite of the popular marital maxim that you should always “speak your truth,” in reality, sometimes silence is golden.

3. Talk less, listen more.

Unfortunately, when it comes to marital sparring, we’re often too busy stating our positions to genuinely hear or be curious about our partners’ thoughts or feelings. Then, because we feel unheard, we up the ante and more zealously reiterate our opinions.   

The key to neutralizing any escalating argument is to stop talking, listen to what the other person has been saying, and acknowledge his or her feelings. You don’t have to agree with the feelings being expressed. Simply say, “I honestly see your point. My perspective is different, but I do understand why you feel the way you do. Here’s what I hear you saying.” And then reflect back your take on what you’ve heard. It’s astonishing how readily people become more conciliatory when they feel their messages have gotten through.

4. Take a time out.

There are times when avoiding unproductive arguments becomes more challenging, and, before you know it, you’re fuming. It’s not helpful to discuss important matters when you’re agitated because you’re more likely to be defensive and retaliatory.

One key to de-escalating dead-end debates lies in your ability to spot them early on, before you become emotionally hijacked, and then take an agreed-upon time out. Here are some signs that it’s time for a break from the discussion:

1. Behaviors in your partner indicating that he or she might be angry or no longer listening: Does your spouse’s voice become louder? Does he or she sound like a broken record, repeating a point over and over? Does your spouse’s body language—crossed arms, piercing eyes, or no eye contact at all—signal that further conversation will be fruitless?

2. Negative self-talk: Times you are saying to yourself, “Here we go again. He’s not listening anymore.” or “She is being such a jerk. Why can’t we ever talk about anything calmly?” or “You always have to be right. There’s no point in talking to you.”

3. Tension in your own body: Spoiler alert: Our minds and bodies are connected. When we become upset, we feel it in our bodies. Some people describe a tightness in their chests. Others say their stomachs are “in a knot.” Still others say that their faces feel flushed or they experience “adrenaline rushes.”

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Take a time out!

When you first become aware of any of the signs above, it’s essential to take a time out! Choose a behavioral signal, such as forming a “T” with both hands, or pick a word that is your “safe word.” Then, both partners must honor the request and take a break from each other for 30 minutes. Take a walk. Read a book. Listen to music. Whatever.

After 30 minutes, reconvene and decide whether or not you need to revisit the conversation. If one partner feels “unfinished,” it is important to re-up the discussion. If, however, both partners wish to drop the issue, that’s perfectly acceptable. Not every conversation is worth resuming.

5. Never lose sight of why you’re together.

Although the above-mentioned strategies undoubtedly minimize the damage of pointless fighting, they’re no substitute for intentionally investing sufficient time and energy into maintaining the love that drew you together in the first place. Having date nights, engaging in meaningful conversations, and maintaining a satisfying sexual relationship go a long way to create strong bonds, which, in turn, help you weather unavoidable rocky times by allowing them to carry less weight, and reminding you that “This, too, shall pass.”