"My Husband is not Interested in Sex"

Q & A - "My Husband Isn't Interested in Sex"

Dear Michele,

I've been married for 19 years. My husband always had problems with erections, but it got worse through the years. I guess it was like a vicious circle. I felt it was me, he felt guilty. In the beginning I felt bad and guilty too; later it was anger, resentment. I was always the one who initiated sex. I tried to talk to him about it, but he always said that he would see a doctor to find out what was wrong, yet he never did. As the years went by, our sex life went from practically non-existent to completely non-existent.

The last time we tried to make love (four years ago), he got really mad at me because I told him that I needed a sexual relationship in our life. I must say that by then I was being very impatient. So I made a decision: I decided not to initiate sex anymore because if I did, we would fight about it with no resolution. He said he was angry at me because he was tired of being the provider in our household. So we stopped communicating about our deep emotions. Still, during the day, we would get along really well. At night, I learned not to desire him, but the result of this was not so positive for me.

So last November, he started feeling really weird and told me the basic MLC (Mid-Life Crisis) sentence: "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore..." He was so different from what he was before that I was devastated. He told me it would be a good idea if I left him alone for a while. So I left for Boston to see my family. I came back two weeks later and found him the same as before I left—still in crisis. The tension in the house was unbearable. I was crying every night and tried to talk to him. It got worse.

He told me that he went to see a urologist, but he was fine physically. They tested his hormone levels, etc. He even got a Viagra prescription. MLC big time, but no other woman in sight. He didn't know when he would feel better, so I asked him to leave the house for a while. His response was negative. "Why should I leave?" he asked. I told him it wasn’t good for any of us, especially for our 17-year-old son. I said that his behavior wasn’t a good example for our son. I decided to sleep somewhere else in the house because I was crying every night in bed. He acted like nothing was happening.

He started to be nicer, like his old self, during the day. So I thought he was getting better. I went back to sleeping with him. We even had intercourse for the first time without Viagra. But he didn’t touch me even once. I felt pretty sad. No affection at all. I asked him about his behavior towards me, but he says he doesn’t know how he feels. He says he’s kind of numb. Since then, I moved out of the bedroom again and sleep better away from him.

He doesn’t understand why I don’t sleep with him. He says that we slept like that for years and asked me what was different. I answered that everything was different. I didn’t want to continue like it was before October. I wanted to have intimacy. He says that couples who have been married for almost 20 years live that way and that’s the way it is. Sometimes I feel like leaving him.

This whole situation is really sad for me, and I don’t know how to fix it. I know that he will never be intimate if I don’t initiate it. On the other hand, if I do, he says that he doesn’t know if he will reject me. I’ve been rejected so many times over the years that I am burned out. He doesn’t say he loves me anymore. He used to say it often. I believe that he must be angry with me and the way he shows it is by rejecting me intimately. He controls that, and I am helpless. He acknowledges that, and that’s the way it is for now.

We tried to see a sex therapist a few weeks ago, but my husband was too numb to even try the exercises the therapist suggested. He said that he didn’t like the therapist, so we stopped going. Now I sleep in another room again. If I try once in a while to talk about our relationship, intimacy, the future—any subject that involves emotions—he says that he doesn’t know or has no comment.

Can this change? Do you know if there is hope? What can I do?

Paula

Dear Paula,

Thanks for sharing your story. I wish your intimate relationship could be more of what you want it to be. Maybe someday it can.

It’s too bad that your husband was so burned out by the time you reached a sex therapist because I think that could have been a real help to you both. Usually, sex therapists suggest NOT having sex for a while and begin with touching exercises instead. I hope that’s what happened in your case. It takes the pressure off.

There are lots of reasons your husband may be feeling the way he is about sex, and I will cover many of these possibilities in my article in Parade Magazine due out in March 2001, but for now, let’s focus on solutions instead. Here are a couple of ideas.

If, in fact, he has a great deal of resentment, encourage him to talk about it, even if it's uncomfortable. Sometimes resentment kills sexual desire. You need to know what’s on his mind. Don’t debate or defend yourself. Just listen.

If you have tried to get him to talk, to no avail, here are a couple of other thoughts:

There are so many great books out there that offer sexual techniques for those having trouble. Just go to any bookstore. Maybe he would read a book if he could do it in private. Sometimes this is less embarrassing than going to a therapist.

Also, there is more to intimacy than an erect penis. Cuddling, hugging, and satisfying you in other ways are things you both can do. If he didn’t feel under pressure to have intercourse, might he be more willing to be physical? If so, let him know that you don’t want to have intercourse—you just want to _____ (fill in the blank). There is no reason in the world that he can’t satisfy you, even if he’s not in the mood. I know this isn’t what you really want, but I think it might help somewhat.

Finally, in the DB (Divorce Busting) spirit, the one thing I think you might not have tried is to tell him that you love him and accept him for who he is, and that if a sexual relationship is not something he is interested in right now, you will accept that. You just want to feel closer to him.

Now, before you think I’ve lost my marbles, I am not suggesting that you go for the rest of your life without sex. I found it curious that even with all of your prodding, he went to a doctor when you weren’t around. When he stops feeling pushed, he acts. I know you said that you stopped initiating, but I wonder whether he felt your resentment coming through. I bet he didn’t think it was coming from a place of acceptance in you.

Anyway, in the meantime, understand that it’s entirely possible that his lack of desire at this point has less to do with you personally and more to do with the way in which he anticipates intimate moments… he dreads the failure. It’s hard to feel compassion when you are so hungry for intimacy, I know, but try it anyway.

I wish you the best.

Michele

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