Healing from a lifetime of self-deprecation

[still hopeful]

JOURNALING

Well, here I am on my newest thread and I've come to some very clear conclusions about me. Since my snowboarding accident exactly 6 years ago, it has been brought to my attention that my memory and my brain don't operate quite like they did before. Part of the change in me is that I allow so much negativity to loop between my ears and I've beaten myself down emotionally incessantly since my accident, making my life much more challenging. All of this was quite something to have brought to my attention, as it flew in direct opposition to what I believed was true about my brain functioning and healing.

My initial impulse was to be defensive and defiant, but that quickly died down because I thought, what if it's true? I certainly do want to know about my brain function/emotional shortcomings after my accident, particularly if I'm not aware of them, because that at least gives me a fighting chance of developing new, alternative neural pathways in my brain to compensate for the physical damage my accident caused. The brain is a wonderful thing. It's up to me to control it's functioning with my mind.

I'd be lying if I didn't own up to the fact that what I've been told is disappointing and scary. I it. I also know that I am determined to make the necessary compensatory changes to make my life and myself all that it and I can be. I am sad that others who are close to me have held out from telling me about the changes in my brain workings for so long, but at least now I know what I'm dealing with and can work on making conscious changes in my life/behavior/perceptions. I know where I am and I know where I want and intend to be. I'll get there. I am an extremely determined.

About my DBing. I'm in a holding pattern and doing the best that I can to hold it all together to push myself through my every day challenges. Again, staying focused and determined will assist me in reaching my goals and achieving my dreams...ALL of them.

Latest prior thread from Still Hopeful

[still hopeful]

JOURNALING:

Not much to offer in the way of my DBing efforts because I am focused on getting a job. I do have the opportunity to be with XW, and I take advantage of those times to put my best foot forward and present myself in the best possible light despite my ongoing job search. I do know that a positive attitude is the best way to look for a job and it's also the best way to present myself to XW when I am afforded the opportunity to be with her, so I'm doing well with what I have going on.

[Flicka]

Injured or not, you are capable and wonderful...

I am relieved that you are not up all night, every night typing explanations.

You are DOING what it takes to get employed. You are also comforting your kids... keep doing... I will too.

[Flicka]

I just looked backward... dumbass. You are up all night, every night, typing. Stop doing that...

Love,
Flicka

[still hopeful]

Hey Flicka, I resemble that remark.

Actually, I am back in the job search saddle and taking care of what I control. So you know, I am taking care of my children and comforting them in this confusing time of their lives. They are my anchors for sanity and my beautiful and perfect gifts from God. I do without sleep a lot of times, but my body tells me when it needs to rest, so I'm holding myself together because not doing so is not an option.

Thanks for caring. I taking care of myself pretty well in this down time of my life.

[still hopeful]

I was looking at the title of my thread and the words self-deprecation jumped out at me because of my pastor friend, Bill. Attending my church's Job Transition Ministry, Bill was talking to the group and he mentioned that self-deprecation is one of the most egregious forms of pride because we are choosing to rely on ourselves and our own abilities instead of relying on our Savior. I had never looked at my own behavior in both my job transition and my DBing efforts as idolatry, or worshiping my own 'powers', rather than relying on God who is omnipresent, omnipotent, and omniscient. I suppose coming to that realization is the ultimate in healing of my self-deprecatory behavior.

Because Bill illuminated my own wrong thinking, which helped me to remain stuck and unproductive, I was able to take myself from a standstill and get myself moving, setting the stage for a bit more work tomorrow and prepping the terrain for hitting the ground running on Monday, taking full advantage of the inertia initiated this week.

I am feeling upbeat for the first time in weeks, and I'm also feeling that I am able to follow phoenixdeux's advice to let go of the end results expectations of my relationship with my XW and to really work at seeing her for who she is, my EX-wife. Right now, my focus is on digging myself out of the hole that I've dug for myself and as my friend Wil keeps telling me, I need to stop being a crutch for XW and focus on helping myself get squared away and on solid ground again, because I'm not really much use to anyone right now, including myself. So, that's where I am. I'll DB as best I can when I am in my XW's presence by presenting my authentic self, a strong, independent, caring man who understands that his present situation is temporary, but who I am in God is permanent. As the saying goes, "Let go and let God."

[kml]

Hey there, SH -
Brain injury (even just concussions) increases your risk for depression. Depression, in my opinion, often leads to affairs (because that dopamine "high" of infatuation temporarily relieves the depression).

If parts of your brain aren't working quite as well as they ought, it is IMPERATIVE that you keep regular hours, get a good night's sleep every night, eat properly, avoid all alcohol.

Also, know that sometimes brain injury can result in pituitary hormone deficiencies, leading to low growth hormone, or low testosterone, or low thyroid. Ask your doctor for blood tests to rule this out.

My husband had 6 concussions in 8 years - but he thinks I am the reason he's unhappy. Grrrrrr....

Ellie

[still hopeful]

Hi Ellie,

Thanks for reading my thread and thanks for offering your perspective and experience with concussions. I'm sorry to hear about your husbands concussions and the resulting changes in his perspective. You appear to have learned a great deal about brain injuries up close and personal.

My injury was extremely severe. Other than my brain, my only physical damage was a fractured left cheekbone and orbit, leaving a 3-inch, thin scar running from my eyebrow to the top of my cheek. Luckily, it's barely noticeable unless you're really looking for it. My XW told me that when I was in the first hospital, they wouldn't even give a percentage chance that I was going to make it out of my coma and couldn't even speculate on what I'd be if I did, so I'm extremely fortunate and thankful that I've healed as well as I have, but I also think that my healing has given me a false sense of how well I've healed.

My double whammy is that during my healing process I was a real combative jerk to my W and my D. I honestly don't even remember much of this. I was tested by a psychologist and my Traumatic Brain Injury doctor for an entire day of questions and answers. I received the results a few weeks later and was diagnosed with a bi-polar disorder, which is a mood disorder that can have seriously detrimental effects on the afflicted and his/her family. One of the common characteristics of manic episodes is affairs. I also had a persistent low-grade depression that I characterized as BLAH!. How are you doing, Tom? I'd say, Fine, but what I really meant was BLAH! Last year I got my medication in the correct dosage so the BLAHs are gone.

Now, I know that my body helped make messing up easier for me, but I know that I am the one who made the choices. Being a Christian man, I know that I am forgiven, but I spent way too much time beating myself up over something that I cannot undo, much as I wish I could. Last week, my pastor told me that self-deprecating behavior is simply pride run amok. I looked back and said to myself, why didn't I stop that? Why didn't I make different choices? Why wasn't I simply a better man? All of those are the wrong questions. Now I pray for Jesus to walk with me and reveal His will to me so I will be able to adopt His will as mine.

I do believe that my injury and my brain chemistry imbalance paved my path with uneven cobblestones, and I didn't navigate them on my own well at all. Well, I'm still me and I am learning about my capabilities as time goes by. I will look to the Lord to heal me and lead me to make better decision and choices. I am in the valley now, and I lean on Him now more than ever because I know that the challenges in my life today are temporary, who I am is permanent.

[still hopeful]

JOURNALING:

I just need a reminder that it's not all about me when I think about XW and what she does and doesn't do. I know I haven't done anything new to evoke her behavior, but I also know that that fact doesn't stop her from being jerky towards me. I'm working on not taking it personally. She is a good woman even though she gets on a 'different' path at times. All of this will soon pass. My life will look brighter soon.

[still hopeful]

JOURNALING:

As I move deeper into my faith, I am seeing myself in a different light and, in a lot of ways, I'm not liking too many aspects of ME. I have always known what I've done to contribute to the demise of my marriage over time, and I've owned my 'stuff.' I'm talking more about what some of my brethren here on the DB board has told me, which is that I am controlling and full of myself and what I've done in my DB efforts. Of course I've done more than XW has. She hasn't wanted to reconcile or even consider it. As my friend told me in the beginning, she didn't divorce me to get back together with me. That was a sobering thought then, but not enough to keep my head on straight. I've spent far too much time grading her against my invisible scorecard, one which she didn't even know existed, and even if she did, she wouldn't have cared. The fact that she and I have been living in two mutually exclusive spheres makes the fact that we've had as much positive interaction as we've had miraculous. What's even more miraculous is that I haven't made her close the door completely and for good on any hope of reconciliation, however remote that chance is. At this point, the one thing I am doing is demanding that she treat me with respect and be considerate when she is dealing with me. Phoenixdeux is absolutely correct. I need to let her go. See her as my EX-wife. Move forward as though our reconciliation will likely never happen. If she should come back and express a desire to reconcile, I will deal with that then, because I plan to keep myself open to that possibility. We'll see. In the meantime, I'll spend time showing and being the best me possible, because that makes me feel better about me and about life. Additionally, I have some mandatory things that I need to NOT allow myself to be distracted from so, one foot in front of the other.