Hey guys, Long time no post. For those that do not know me, I am one of the “success” stories from this board. I just wanted to post an update on how things are going since I last posted. FW and I are doing GREAT! He’s been home now for a year and 4 months. He’s has become such a strong Christian man in the last few months that it has been amazing the transformation to me. I thank God everyday for bringing him home to me and for working in his life. Currently he is in Santa Fe, NM negotiating a job offer. He will most likely be moving across the country to the area in the next month to six weeks and the kids and I will follow once school is out in June. It seems crazy now to think about the way things were 2 years ago and that he was professing that a divorce was the only way to go and had met with a lawyer, was living with another woman, etc. I attribute our miraculous turn-around to God and Him alone. We recently watched Fireproof together and were amazed at the similarities with us. Although our situation got much further down the road toward divorce than the couple in the movie did I still see so many of the same elements. I often wonder how many men are really in midlife crisis and how many couples just have normal problems where both are refusing to see their own faults and refusing to do anything to correct them. I often wonder how many couples have gotten what seems like “too far” down that road for anything to work. I do think that there are some cases of midlife crisis (which I believe is just another term for depression that occurs at midlife), but I just wonder how many there really are here. I wonder about FW. I know he was depressed. That was a diagnosed clinical fact. He still battles it even now, but I also know that I had a big part in the downfall of our marriage and where we ended up as well. I know our problems are not 100% his fault. I had just as much of a share in getting us where we were as he did. I wonder how many people latch on to that midlife crisis tag and determine that there is nothing that can be done. That “traditional” DB methods won’t work with their spouse because they are having a “midlife crisis”. I never took that stance when I was standing for my marriage and trying to put it back together. I prayed, and felt God led me to act much in the same way as the husband did in Fireproof. I didn’t have a book like the Love Dare to guide me. I did read things like DB, and Marriage Builders, and Jim Conway, and snippets from people that had been through similar situations and feel that many marriages can be saved employing similar methods. Maybe I’m just a cock-eyed optimist with a rare success story. Who knows, but the scene that really resonated with me in the movie is where Caleb (the husband) is talking with his dad and he says to his dad that his wife does not “deserve” to be treated with kindness because she is not acting the same way toward him and his dad tells him that we don’t “deserve” eternal life through Jesus either, and that God calls us to love each other the way he loved us. I’ve got more thoughts rattling around in my head, but would be interested to hear the take from others here. I’ll be happy to answer questions about my situation as my time permits. I have limited internet access from work and time at home is spent with kids and FW. BFM
My M isn't at a reconciliation phase yet, though my H is showing signs of affection and signs that he may be leaning towards a R. Do you recommend I try the Love Dare tactics? Or do you think it's too soon? Here is my story...
Good to hear your story, and it gives me hope. I actually watched Fireproof over the weekend, and saw many similarities. H and I have done well w/ the communication, although there has been no R talk. However, it has become a little stagnant, and I was considering asking him to watch the movie. I would love your input on that...whether your not you think it is a good idea, or if I should just sit back for a little longer.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Are you asking about the movie itself? Bad idea to watch it with the MLCer sitting next to you. Bad idea to suggest it to the MLCer. Bad idea to watch it and think your going to do what Caleb did and get your spouse back in 30 days or 2.5 hours.
Or the practices in the movie? GOOD idea to put into practice the idea's of the book, when you are rebuilding however, not going to work if it is just seen as a desperate ploy...like almost everything else is seen near the begining of the MLCer acting out.
I think the movie with a grain of salt is something you can and should use down the road.
That is my take on it.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Good point. I don't want to push the issue, but I feel like things are just stagnant right now. On the other hand, I do have to find another job, so it doesn't matter either way right now I have bigger fish to fry.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
It's lovely to see you here !!! I can't believe it's been so long since FW has been home allready !!! BOY time flies !!!
I am so happy though that you both made it through, you know how much I admire you and think you did so well through all of this !
I agree, that when you take time to look at both partners 'faults' and 'mishaps' that's when you're on the right path...even if the relationship does not restore, you are on the recovery path !!
I am happy too, and love my life right now, H and I are friends, and great parents to our kids. I've finally managed to detach as much as possible and I feel in control of my own life now, and love it.
Please keep posting, I am not here often either, but will keep checking your thread for updates !
Take care and please say hi to FW for me !!!
LOVE YAH ! xxxx
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
I didn't intend to watch the movie with my H but I had just put it in one night and was looking for the remote when H walked in earlier than his usual time. It was such a powerful movie, I think we both felt different at least for the weekend. I didn't think those changes lasted because not long after that there was a blow up and H was leaving for good (again) and I said be gone by the time I get back. He hewed and hawed and didn't leave, but he is different now in a better way. Baby steps, haha!
butterflymom, great to read you again!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I don’t think watching it with the MLCer is a good idea either. I wouldn’t have watched it with my H when he was in the throes of whatever it was he was in the throes of. Again, don’t expect to get your spouse back in 42 days or whatever it was in the movie. Not realistic. It was a MOVIE, afterall.
As far as following the book, I don’t think it’s ever too early to start doing genuinely nice things for your spouse. As far as doing exactly what the book says, I would follow your heart on that one. Pray, ask God for direction. I did nice things for my H while he was gone. Not every single day, but every once in a while. I gave him framed pictures of our kids for his apartment. I gave him a photo album of our trip to Disney (that he didn’t take because he was in lala land at the time) – I took out pictures of me and only included ones of the kids. I gave him a plant started from one that had been his grandmothers, etc. In general I was nice to him and found things to compliment him on – sometimes that wasn’t very easy. I made sure to praise him as a dad in front of him and the kids. I told him I was praying for him. The caveat – I wasn’t necessarily doing it to get him back. Sure, I wanted our marriage restored and I knew I had screwed up too( I didn’t cheat, but I ignored a lot of things that are really important in a marriage. More from ignorance than spite, but that doesn’t change the fact that I wasn’t meeting his needs), but I really just wanted to make things right. He hadn’t really met my needs either, but one of you has to be willing to be the one to make the first move and step off the perpetual “crazy” cycle that has become your marriage. If you go into something like that with the intention of doing it to impress or with the sole purpose of restoring your marriage and you don’t really mean any of it or it’s all just a show, your H will see right through you in a heartbeat. So, before you go into something like that you need to make sure your intentions are right and sincere. When I first started I wasn’t really sincere. I thought my H was a dirty dog rat who didn’t deserve for me to be nice to him and that everything was HIS fault, but I was going to fake it anyway so that I could restore my marriage and get him to see all the ways that HE was wrong. Not really very effective to say the least! LOL! Eventually I started praying and reading and God let me know that I had a part too and that if I wanted to have any chance I needed to own up to and fix my part because at that time my H was NOT going to make up for or own up to his part and if I waited until he did I might be waiting forever.
I don’t know about waiting out the “beginning of the MLCer acting out” (if I gathered you right on that one, Jack). I didn’t wait. MLCer’s are hurting too. That is WHY they are acting out. Think about your spouse and how he was before and how much in love you guys were and how you never thought he’d do anything to hurt you (I’ve not read your posts, but that pretty much seems to be the norm around here). Why is he acting this way now? Did he just get mean all of a sudden? Most likely not. Most likely there was something going on in your marriage that he got tired of dealing with. This may have been something that you didn’t really think was all that bad. Something that you may not have even been aware was important to him, but it was important and now he’s come to the end of his rope. He has found someone that is meeting that need (maybe – I don’t know if your spouse is having an affair or not)and has decided to finally be happy. He was most likely hurting over something for many many years and now that he’s made the break he’s got to prove to himself and to everyone else that there is no turning back – so he acts out. He’s hurting – so someone else needs to hurt too – so he acts out. If you can look at your spouse as someone who has been hurt deeply and is now acting out on that hurt it is easier to be nice to them. Easier to not take their actions so personally. Easier to realize that it may take some time to undo the years and years of build-up to this situation. I got shot down, ignored, he was mean to me, etc and that is where the whole idea of “detachment” comes into play. Detachment isn’t about detaching yourself physically or ending contact with your wayward spouse, it is about protecting your emotions so that their antics don’t keep bringing you down. It gets hard to keep acting “as if” (to use a DB term) when your spouse is not receptive to any of your niceness, but as I read somewhere earlier it’s like rocks in a river. You are standing on the edge of a river that you need to cross so you begin throwing rocks into the river one at a time to make a bridge. At first the rocks just sink to the bottom and you don’t appear to be making any progress, but you just keep throwing rocks. Eventually a rock with hit and a small piece will stick out of the surface of the water. You keep throwing until many rocks are sticking out and you can walk across the river. The rocks represent little kindnesses that we do for our spouses. At first, they don’t appear to really be making a difference, but just know that somewhere under the surface they are slowly building and it will be a while before you can see any progress. Some of us have bigger and deeper “rivers” to cross than others and chances are if you are dealing with the Mississippi River or something equally as large you might get tired and give up before you see any progress. ;. Most likely it is going to take much longer than it ever does in Hollywood!
Sometimes your nice acts DON’T lead to a reconciliation. Sometimes they may only lead to a better relationship with your spouse in the future which will help your kids (if you have any) adjust better to the separation or divorce. My main goal – even ahead of reconciliation – was making sure that things were smooth as could possibly be for my kids. I didn’t know if we would ever get back together, but I didn’t want to put my kids through hell in the process. Ok – I’ve rambled enough. I’ve never been a very concise writer! BFM
Hey Butterfly, your posts resonate with me. I do believe that my h is in a MLC because he has many of the symptoms associated with it: losing a lot of weight, changing his clothes, spending ridiculous amounts of money, having an affair (this is so far away from something that he would ever do). But, that does not excuse his actions.
Having said that, there were problems in our marriage, and he was tired of it all, probably for years. Now I didnt do or not do the things that wore on him on purpose. At the time, I did not realize how bad things were.
I have some to realize that he was very unhappy and rightfully so. But I also know that I was not happy either. So, after a very long time of blamely only me for it all, I have come to realize that it was both of us. I own my part.
I do not know if it is too late and he is too far gone for there to be a R. But I have tried throughout this to be kind to h, to be thoughtful and respectful to him. Not to win him back, but first and foremost, that is who I am, and second, because I have been with him for 30 years and he is the father of my child. We will be in each other's lives because of my son and I refuse to live it in anger. I refuse to make this difficult on my son.
I am learning what real detachment means. It has been hard to get the hang of.
;. Most likely it is going to take much longer than it ever does in Hollywood!