I used to think like a lot of people that MLC was just an excuse to act stupid, buy a sports car, and have an affair!
I learned it is so much more complicated and serious then that.
I have learned that usually MLC is coupled with unresolved issues from childhood...the worse the issues, the worse the crisis
I have learned that it usually takes a minimum of 2 years after the MLC'er bails on the family for them to return...IF they return
I have learned that the MLC will return with some pretty major issues to conquer...major depression, substance abuse, OP to let go of, and others...depression is the MOST common and usually at the root of the ENTIRE MLC to begin with...
Just a little of what I learned...my H is home, happy, and we have rebuilt a better stronger marriage...he has been home since 2006, says he loves me often, and is doing well with the kids (both minor and adult)...we are once again a family and to those who are new friends they would never guess what we had been through the past 7 years! (that is not a typo...his crisis was at least 7 years in length...from the beginning, to his leaving us, to his return, and finally to his becoming his true self again.
Lin, thanks! I am extremely happy that this situation has become something worth hoping and waiting for. You deserve a lot of credit for being patient. And as my son would say, you have "smartitude"!
I think your success story should let others know that there is hope if we can be patient and loving enough. Taking care of the family until the prodigal spouse returns...and then the real work begins.
Thank you.
thanks for sharing and I am happy to hear that your family is intact and happy once again.
Interesting that you say this about timeline, ImLin. H has been gone for almost a year and a half.
But I would place his crisis at the point where he turned 40 and he is now 44.
I can only guess when it started for my W because she had such a tough childhood that it makes it challenging to know if it simply hasn't been a progression her entire life toward this.
While I don't believe that we can assess how long it will take, I do ascribe to the stages. I can see every one of them up until stage 3. She does flip from 3 to 2 and back again though but with her personality, it makes sense.
The challenge is whether she can force herself to address her issues and move forward in a positive direction. She has made comments that she is moving forward. Unfortunately, most people would see her direction of forward is heading backwards or to a cliff.
I do believe that if she ever admits her issues, I think it will make a huge difference in her. The following step after admitting you have a problem (does this sound familiar to Al-Anon?) is doing something about it.
ImLin, when I first started coming to this board many months ago, you were the voice of inspiration. You helped me to have hope on so many occations. I was just wondering if you could reach out one more time and give me your wise opinion on what is going on in my sitch. Thank you for continuing to be a presence on the board, you have helped so many with your success story. I just no longer know if I should have hope or not. And finally, thank you for being that shining star when my life seemed so dark. You helped me get through the worst part of this journey.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1588639&page=2#Post1588639
Now I will post what I learned in his journey...
I learned to be much more patient...with everyone!
I learned what true love really means.
I learned to have sympathy and empathy for others.
I learned what true forgiveness is...and it isn't easy!
I learned to really look at all that I have instead of what I don't...and to be greatful for everyday!
I learned that I don't always have to have the last word.
I learned that there is a time and a place to talk.
I learned that sometimes you have to listen and keep your mouth shut for a very long time!
I learned that I would be okay no matter what happened.
I learned that I didn't need H...even though I wanted him.
I learned a lot about me and am now a very different person.
Brokenhearted...when I get a chance I will look at your situation...but only you know if you should still have hope...I always said as long as neither of you remarried there was always hope...even if you got divorced...
Imlin:
I agree with you about the lessons. It's fortunate that you learned the lessons and still had the opportunity to reconcile with your H. I wasn't as lucky.
The journey was a very humbling experience for me. I took so much for granted when I was with my H. I had this false sense of security and even a bit of smugness (embarrassing to admit now) that my marriage would last forever.
It certainly knocked the wind out of my sails. I did a lot of soul searching and didn't always like what I saw. I learned a lot of lessons (very similar to yours) and did a lot of changing. The "old" H would have been thrilled with the new me. Unfortunately, the "new" H doesn't know and couldn't care less.
Even though I lost my marriage, I won't lose the changes or forget the lessons learned. I would never want to go back to being the way I used to be.
Val
Valerie...your reminded me of a few BIG lessons...
I learned humility like I never knew
I learned to admit my part in everything (marriage and life related)
I learned to be honest with myself so I could be honest with others
Valerie,
I am so sorry things didn't work out with your H...I came very very close to losing what I thought would last forever (without even thinking about it)...I truly believe had I not had a young son still at home my H would have never moved back to town...he moved away for over a year and didn't see much of his kids or me at all...in a way this was an advantage for me because when he did return to be closer to our son he was able to see the stark difference in me...
I understand the wind being knocked out of you...I didn't feel like I was breathing for months!...but like you I did the soul searching...I did the grieving...I accepted what I had done to get where we were (even though I never in a million years meant to be where I found myself)...I prayed a lot and drew closer to God then I had ever been...
I too made a commitment to not forget what I learned...even though my H returned...I continue to have my own life and allow him to have his...my life does not revolve only around H and my kids...I have learned to have fun with friends again...by myself...to take care of me and allow H to take care of himself so that together we can be the best of friends again...not a nagging wife to a frustrated husband...and I never knew what a nag I could be until I listened to myself...I work daily on maintaining to new me...not for H...not for the family...but because I like who I am now...
Val...I wish blessings to you...that you find a life that fulfills you and that you can share with others around you...
Lin
Thanks, ImLin.
It's ironic, isn't it? They started this journey and yet we ultimately benefited from it. Like you, I learned a lot of valuable lessons and moved forward.
My H regressed, didn't learn the lessons, and got stuck.
He told me recently that he still wants to come home, but it might take another 10 years. At first I thought he was joking, but he wasn't. His affair with the OW has been going on for four years already. He literally blew up our lives in those four years. The fact that he thinks I will be here in 10 years, waiting on him, shows how delusional his thinking really is.
He hasn't progressed at all .. no lessons learned.
I hope that he finds his way out someday, but I really don't think it will happen.
ImLin, I think your marriage will be stronger than ever thanks to the changes you have made. My life isn't exactly what I want it to be yet, but it will happen in time.
Blessings to you, too.
Val
Funny in a way...how similar these MLC'ers think...my H told me he might come home in 6 mos...then one year...then two years...then 5 yrs...then 10 yrs...I flat out told him I didn't think I would be around after one year...I didn't think in my own heart that I could wait it out...it seemed forever...then at one point he told me he could never live with me again...and he never wanted to live in this town(or area) again as he really liked it where he moved...
Just goes to show how much they don't really know what they want...the turning point came when my H missed our son...then when he was pretty much forced to his depression for what it was and what it was doing to him...he got treatment for several things...emotional and physical...then he started the real journey back...
I wish you the best...you will be okay no matter what...just believe in yourself and you will succeed!
Lin
Valeria, I think that Lin really made me think about what our spouses say and that they really don't seem to have a handle on reality. The fact that your H says 10 years could say a lot. If I was going to guess, he sees that he knows where he belongs but can't see a way to get there so he throws out an arbitrary long number.
I wouldn't say he is gone permanently and I seriously doubt that it will be anywhere close to 10 years. But who knows.
ImLin, thank you so much for your encouraging words. I really appreciated them. I dont remember, did your H have an OW during his MLC? What do you think was the turning point for him that made him want to come back?
MMF:
Thanks for your thoughts. I'm getting on with my life as though H is not coming back - but I do think that he wants to be home, even after all this time. I didn't know that ImLIN's H said the same thing (about it taking him 10 years!) then coming home much sooner. MLC can last many years .. I wish it came with a guaranteed expiration date, lol!
ImLIN:
When you have time, can you list the changes that you have noticed in your H since coming home? Thanks
V
The changes since his return...well when he returned he was still pretty much a mess, drinking until he passed out, not taking care of his diabetes, moody, and depressed to the point of sobbing tears. He could not say he loved me because he said he honestly didn't love me but he wanted to love me again.
So first he hit bottom with the alcohol and went to rehab (out patient)...he had only one slip and that was 20 months ago...
Then he went for a complete physical and started taking better care of himself (he still doesn't follow a good diet but his meds keep his blood sugar stable).
He went for treatment for his depression which took some time to get the right meds and the right dosage...
He did make a final contact with OW after he was home but before he was on good meds for the depression. I think basically he was touching bases with her (via email) to make sure she was okay...she had moved on and was in a relationship with someone but agreed to keep in contact with H via email if he wanted to talk...I think he felt she was okay and was able to leave any guilt about her behind because to my knowlege he has never contacted her since.
About three months after his contact with OW, on our anniversary, he read me a bible scripture about love and then declared that he did inface feel love for me again...now mind you he had been home about a year at this point (slow progress)
He started taking his own spirituality seriously again, started reconnecting with his old friends, and started rebuilding his relationship with his kids (not in that order but you get the picture)
As time progressed he got over the drive to make lots of money and finally got a job he was okay with...for a long time the depression made it impossible for him to really hold a job...any pressure or stress sent him over the edge...but now he is much stronger and handles things pretty well.
He did inform me when he returned that he never really liked passionately kissing (news to me because he always was kissing me)...his affection is a bit more selective where before he woudl pat my bottom any time he felt like it...sex is good but not frequent like it was before he left but he does have some ED issues related to the meds, diabetes, and depression...
I can live with all of this...he is fun again, likes to do things with me and with the family...he doesn't isolate himself as he had been doing when he started into his MLC...he is very social...we can talk about most anything...although anymore I don't bring up OW because he told me he just really wants to forget about her and that time period in his life...they are not fond memories for him...
Valeria...it would be great if the MLC had an expiration date or any sort of guarantee...I think that is what makes it so hard on us...we don't want to wait for nothing...but we don't want to move on if there is a chance...and I think that is how they feel too when they through out those time lines of "give me a year", "well if it goes past 5 years I would say we are really done", "who knows in 10 years maybe we could remarry and be happy"....I think they want to know they can come back...even though they don't want to come back now...
imLIN, I have read your thread and it is encouraging to all of us with MLC crisis. My H is full blown, he is moving the end of the month. Like Val I did an inventory of my marriage and it was not pretty. I took my H for granted, ignored him, always had an excuse for going to bed and just drifting apart. shame on me, because in June he started an A with one of his direct reports, who I know makes him feel emotionally/physically connected. Still will not admit to A, but I no longer ask. Since H told me he is not happy, we went to a MC seperately for a few sessions and then met together and H told me I was controlling and he was not happy for 21 years (originally it was 12 years), now it goes back to the beginning of our marriage. He has been drinking (is an alcoholic that gave up drinking many many years ago), going out with OW, and just think he is a teenager all over again. I do not know him most days.
You are an inspiration. I want to save this marriage and I know right now I have to do it on my own. What did your family say when H left and how did they act on his return? My family will be crushed by this. Thanks for sharing in your thread.
Thanks ImLIN. Your summary of H coming home will be helpful to a lot of people on the board. It also reminds me how similar many of our stories are.
My H also began drinking heavily after he left home. He would drink till he either passed out (or was arrested)!! He too neglected his health, even though he had a major heart attack several years ago and lost 20% of his heart. It didn't help that he took up smoking again too. (The OW was a heavy drinker and smoker).
Your H showed initiative by getting help for his drinking and for his depression. The fact that he got in touch with his spirituality also speaks volumes. IMO, that is what this journey is all about.
Last, but not least, he was finally able to let go of the OW.
It says a lot for your H that he was willing to do all these things to restore himself and your marriage. It couldn't have been easy for either of you, especially during that first year. It says a lot about you that you were able to put the past behind you and work on the future with your H.
You have shown a lot of class and dignity throughout your H's MLC. You remind me a lot of Yellowrose.
Hugs to you
Lin,
When I saw your name on a post I double checked to make sure it wasn't an archived thread. When you left the boards I recognized that you needed to do it to move on, but, I'm so glad that you still check in from time to time. I really think that without the post you made to me several months ago I would have given up.
It's too early to know what will happen to my M, however, whenever I felt as if I was losing hope I would remember your situation and how it resolved. To know that your H signed a one year lease and moved to a distant city to live with the OW and then returned to his M is definitely inspirational to us all.
The lessons you learned during his MLC are most valuable and I am going to try to not only learn those lessons but to be greatful for the opportunity for that kind of growth.
Hey Lin, thanks once again for checking in on me. You have warmed my heart and helped more than you know. You truly deserve a blissful life!
I heard the same things...I haven't been happy for a long time...I haven't been happy for 10 years (we had a 9 year old son when he said this and wondered how that happened if he wasn't happy?) and finally it was he hadn't been happy for the entire marriage...I was to controlling...he always let me have my way to avoid an argument...and much more...yes, a lot of this was true when I looked at it from his point...I never meant to hurt him I just didn't know and now felt I was being punished for something I didn't even know I was doing...
I made my changes because I didn't like what I saw...I recognized that sometimes when I was trying to be helpful it would come across as controlling...I learned to ask questions instead of make comments...
These lessons are hard...but no matter how things turn out it makes us better...I know that was the hardest thing for me to see...that things could get better no matter what...
I wish you all the best...thank you so much for the kind words but I don't think I am any more special than anyone else here...we all want(ed) the same thing...to save our marriage and save ourself...I wish that for everyone although I know some will have to accept that they will be okay "no matter what"...and that means if their spouse doesn't return...I know I would be fine and happy today even if H didn't come home...I learned to be happy with myself...but I love him dearly and appreciate what I have now...never take it for granted...and even if things work out for you...continue to GAL...I think, women mostly, become very wrapped up in being a wife and mother and lose sight of the fact that we are a person...we need to feed and nuture "her" too...then we make much better mom's and wive's!
Lin
Lin, so glad everything is going well for you. God Bless you and your family.
You give us all hope that sometimes is hard to hold on to.
TOH
What makes you special is your commitment to help others who are still in pain. You could have left this board when your M finally worked out, but you didnt. You keep coming back and offering advise to people newly on this journey so that they can avoid the pitfalls that you had to endure. You try to help others find the best path to success, even if that success means living without WAS. No, ImLin you are special because you care and because you reach out. You have a lovely soul and I just wanted you to know that there are many people who have found their way because of you. Thank you.
Lin, I appreciate you came back with your story. I do not want to be one that my H never returns. I fear that everyday. That is what gets me out of bed, try a DB every day, (even though some days I fail miserably), and work on my controlling and anger issues. Everytime I relax, take a breath, and not nag, control or blow up -- I see a confused look on my H's face wondering what is going on with me. That will have to be a start. I just worry about my 2 D's. Lin how was your family when all of this was going on? did they tell you to leave etc.? thanks for posting
Hi ImLIN,
I am so happy for you that you and your family are happy again. Thanks for sharing what you learnt from your H's MLC. You do give us hope. Although I am 99% sure that my H will not change and not come back, there is always that 1% of a chance.
Take care.
Hey Sweetie! I am soooo glad to see you again. As one poster has already said, you were the voice of inspiration for me when I came on board. I know I've said that so many times that you are probably sick of it, but I won't forget how you helped me. I was reaching out in desparation and God used you, as well as some others, to guide me back to reality again. I know your life is full now and a lot of people tend to leave the board once their M is healed......and I certainly understand. But, you are gifted Lin. You have a way to help people here and I hope you will hang around. Maybe you have never left and I just wasn't able to find you. I tried for a long time, but I haven't been over here on MLC in a while.
Anyway, was so good to hear you again. You've not lost your touch. It's not everyone that can touch the heart of a person like you can. The thing that made me marvel at how you helped me was the fact that I was almost a WAW and although I did not try to take another woman's H......I still represented a role that you should have hated, however, you showed only compassion towards me and for that, I will always be indebted to you.
Well, I could go on forever, but just wanted to say hi and that I was glad I found you here.
Take care,
Sandi
Sandi2..thank you for your kinds words and I am glad to see you are still here...I hope you have found joy in your life again...because even if the marriage isn't the greatest we still have so much to be greatful for...it is a matter of mind
I don't come here often as it was taking time from my family...but I do pop in once in a while just to see how some are doing...and give encouragement where I can...
Linda Frieden
"....I think they want to know they can come back...even though they don't want to come back now...
Hi LIN,
You said this in one of your above posts. I get the feeling my H feels this way.
Did you let your H know all along that he could come home and where you explicit about it?
and BTW, I do think you are an inspiration!
He knew I wanted him home...I told him as much...but it wasn't until I really came to the point that I didn't feel I NEEDED him home...I WANTED him home...that things began to change...at this point he was feeling very weak and vulnerable...and I was feeling strong and okay with things...I think it made it easier on him to not feel so NEEDED...and boosted his ego a bit by knowing he was WANTED...
It is probably much more complicated than this but it is how I saw things from my perspective.
Lin
Hi imLin, I had to stop at your thread today for encouragement, my H is telling Ds tonight he is moving next week. I try not to panic because I worry he will never come home but he did tell me today he saw changes in me. The most critical one is that he thought I was too controlling (I am and working on it), he wants to take care of himself and make his own decisions and yes another woman is involved even though he says no. How did your extended family take the breakup. We moved away from my family 2 years ago and they live almost 2000 miles away. They love him and it will crush them. So glad to see a success story.
Wow your story is amazing. How on earth did you make it that long? I'm going to be hitting 6 months mid October with the A-I think there is some MLC too. But I feel like giving up daily.
You're my hero that's for sure.
Well the extended family was at extremes...when H and I were on speaking terms my father would speak to him (suprised me) saying that if he was being civil to me there was no reason not to...
For religious and moral reasons (which H was aware of and respected)my mother, sister, and even our adult daughters didn't speak to him unless it was family business (adult dauther2 didn't find any business necessary with him for the two years he was gone). My neice, whose wedding we were at when he kissed me "good bye", well I am not sure if she is speaking to him yet...they have been together at family functions but she was so hurt by what he did to me that she literally cut him out of ALL of her wedding pictures! She does attend family functions with all of us and know one would know how she felt...like I said, I haven't noticed if she has talked to him or not...but he understands now how much he hurt everyone else...not just me and he allows them their feelings...doesn't push or try and explain anything to them...if they want to talk they will...he is open...
My brother has spoken to him but in the beginning he was mad at me for taking him back...he went through a nasty divorce with his first wife (she cheated and got pregnant!)and I was there with him through that...so he felt he needed to defend me...but he is okay now..
As far as it is now things are good with everyone...even our old friends...they see how I feel and realize it was a good thing for us to reconcile...
And...I NEVER EVER thought I would see the end of this...I never thought I could outlast his MLC...I feel like the winner of Survivor...outwit, outplay, outlast...it took faith...not just in "us" but in me...I had to come to terms with the fact that H might not return...I had to find peace with that and know that I would be OKAY...and I prayed a lot of me, my family, and to make the best decisions for us all...
Lin
imLIN, I APPRECIATE your story. With my H leaving on WED and having his A it has been very discouraging. I am going to continue to work on myself and GAL. I am going to do everything to delay any D talk and hope H sees the good changes in me. I am praying and have turned H over to God and let Him work on him.
I also am holding off telling my family till late November. I dread it.
I want to win survivor also. thanks again for sharing
Linda,
You have posted on my thread many times and I've told you there that you have been so helpful. I use your story to many of my friends.
Although I do wonder if my H is in MLC as he is being more accountable to us and our girls. Also, he doesn't talk about anything to me.. if I get in my occassional R talks he usually shuts down or doesn't say anything that I want to hear just more hurtful stuff.
anyhow, continue to pop over on my threads.... I'm sure I'll need the support in this long lonely journey...
I'm so happy for you and your marriage.....
Linda,
What a great story!! I haven't followed your thread but I'm so happy for you & your marriage!!
I know my ex is in MLC, has been since 2004 or 2005, met OW June 2007, she lives in another state & he told me he wanted D in Sept. 2007. Rushed everything, now he has married her but I know it will not last, this OW has been married 3 or 4 times before. I'm working on GAL for me but I still miss him so bad!!! For some reason I haven't totally given up on him, I don't know why & I could be so wrong.
Anyway, thank you for posting, you are an inspiration for all of us!
((((HUGS)))
Hi ImLin,
I wish you a lovely Thanksgiving. Take care.
Lin......Thank God, I've found you again! I am really concerned about a LBW that is having a really bad time of it yesterday and today. Would you please go to her thread and say something to give her hope? With me being an old WAW.......as someone said..."from the dark side" (wow), she probably knows that I can't
fully understand the impact of her pain. I can try, but I have not been in those shoes. But I immediately thought of you. You will forever be my sister in heart for recuing me from ruining me life. So, please, go to this helpless young woman who is in so much pain. I am worried about her.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1660409&page=0&fpart=5Thanks Lin.
Sandi
Hi, I don't know any of you on this thread & don't know if my H is really in MLC (apprears to be). Anyway, I just wanted to say what a great thread this is, so informative & inspirational. So many things I can relate to. Thank you.
Congrats to you, who made it through your "Survivor Mini-Series"!
Dear Lin, I was in such a hurry when I posted last time that I didn't take time to tell you how good it was to see you here again helping people. You are gifted. I would love to hear from you.
Sandi
Lin are you still around?
Vow, that is amazing. And hope giving. Thank you for posting this.
imLIN,
Thank you so much for sharing this! It really helped me this morning to have hope. Here is my story. Any other hope and success stories, encouragement, etc. from you and others is appreciated.
I am a 49 year old man who has been married for almost 17 years. This is my 2nd marriage as I was married at 22 to my high-school (only girlfriend) and divorced from her after only 4 years of marriage.
My current wife, and I had been happy - or so I thought, but she represses her feelings and learned in childhood that you don't share feelings because good girls do what they are told or else. The or else was manifested in her when she at age 6 had a baby brother die of Downs syndrome and was told he went to see Jesus so you better do what you're told or this is what can happen to you. Futher aggravated by the fact that her mom and dad (married now for 50 years) never had an argument and the one time they did - dad left (only for 1 night to the garage), but these 2 traumas formed the basis for not sharing true feelings or getting into any conflict.
Amy and I had been to our marriage therapist who we both liked 5 years ago when after 12 years of marriage she finally admitted to me that she was not happy, but didn't want to say anything.
I immediately agreed to therapy with her, and we made progress, but in the last 3 years we have again slipped back into old patterns, i.e. her repressing her feelings and not sharing what she is feeling and thinking and me going off into my stupid male fantasy of just sex without real intimacy in the bedroom.
Even though she was there with me enjoying herself to a degree I wasn't really "tuned in." When recently I began to feel something wasn't right and asked direct questions like "do I have anything to worry about?" She said no, this just a few weeks ago.
Coincidentally, (which now I know was no coincidence) Amy attended her 30 year high school reunion and I have since learned that many of her classmates expressed regret for things not tried, stuck in their lives.
Amy is 48, and has openly said, "I don't want the 2nd half of my life, or however many years I have left to be the same as the first." "I love you, but I'm not 'in love' with you." "It's time for me to take a separate path." "I know you don't think anything good can come from this, but it can."
We have 2 small children that we both have great relationships with (our first daughter is only 6 and is very sensitive like her mother), our second daughter will be 9 next month and is very strong physically and mentally.
The week prior to July 4th we had a wonderful week as a family going to our local parade, carnival, fireworks. We held hands as a family and it was Amy's turn to say a little prayer over our dinner on Fri. that weekend. We are not overtly religious, but we have a nice tradition of "saying the pray" at dinner if we all together and thanking God for our blessings and expressing any hopes we have. So Amy holding all our hands says "thank you God for all our blessings and help Daddy's work event this weekend go great." We also had great sex that week and weekend.
Coincidentally - (I don't think this was a coincidence either) our 9 year old Sophie and I were walking back from the carnival on Sun July 5 and Sophie mentioned some actress. I said "oh she's cute," and Sophie replied, "will you stop 'crushing' that's cheating on mom!" I responded, "Sophie, you can admire someone without taking any action that are cheating." And here's the killer, the next words out of this little girl's mouth were:
"You better never get a divorce!" Sophie's best friend is divorced and I know she is getting to feel the hurts through her friend.
I replied, "Sophie! I don't want a divorce, I love mommy."
Of course, Amy HATES that story and dismisses it, but...
The very next day - Mon. July 6th Amy announces "I want a divorce, I can't take this any longer. I made an appointment with our marriage therapist to find out how to talk to the children about this."
As she was telling me this bombshell one of her sisters who live in the area and who Amy has been confiding in was there that day with her son 7 and she marches into the room takes our girls suitcases which has already been packed and loaded them and our girls in her car and left for her home.
After a couple hours of my shock and telling Amy "why in the world didn't you tell me you were this unhappy, I would agreed to go back to counseling in a heartbeat!?" "Whay didn't you say anything when I asked you last week "Do I have anything to worry about?" "Why didn't you bring it up on our Monday night 'date nights' which we have been religious about over the past few years?" We go out for dinner and a movies and all subjects are OK to talk about. We started these date nights after therapy the first time.
Amy's response, "I have been over this in my mind 17 hundred times and I just don't see any other way. If there was a solution 'I would have found it.'" I have been pretending to be happy because I read if you take the action and pretend everything's alright the feeling will follow, but the feeling never followed."
After a bit more discussion I got Amy to agree to at least ask our therapist for other options besides divorce. Reluctantly, Amy agreed and our therapist who recommended Divorce Busting.com to me asked Amy if she would agree to at least a 3 month trial separation. Again, reluctantly, Amy agreed.
But, in this recession and with 2 small children we don't have money for another apartment so Amy had come up with the idea of having her own room in our home which has 4 bedrooms.
She doesn't want me to ask her where she is going when she goes out and wants to have a separate life.
She acknowledges that she also has made mistakes and has said, "I have to work on myself before I can be in a good relationship with you or anyone else."
Our Therapist asked me to hold on to my hope, but hold the tension of knowing it may not work, and she asked Amy to try to have an open mind about the possibilities even though she has said her mind was made up about wanting a divorce.
To make things MORE interesting - we had a planned family vacation to Colorado to visit Amy's identical twin sister and her husband this past week, and after our first session with our therapist, Amy said, "I think it's the right thing to go on the vacation."
So...here I am the last morning of our 10 day family vacation in Colorado. We have had a wonderful time, going to the top of Pike's Peak, hiking in Golden Gate State Park, doing things as a family and with our in-laws and I have been pouring over the Divorce Remedy book, writing out my goals, things I know I need to work on and change in myself regardless of what happens with Amy and I.
When I got to the part in the book about communicating, midlife crises and using different mediums like a letter I had amassed so much feeling and knowledge about things I have done wrong over the years I found myself writing a very heartfelt letter to Amy expressing the changes I would be making regardless of what happens to us.
There was an opportunity for Amy and I to talk at the beginning of our vacation and she again expressed the feeling that she wanted to go on a different path and that there is almost NO chance in her mind that we will survive as a couple.
I gave her my letter and she read it and teared up a bit, laughed at parts and then said "It's a very nice letter and if you do these things, you will have a great relationship whether it be with me or anyone else, but I want to be clear that I still want to go my separate way."
This morning as I was writing this to you on the last day of our vacation, Amy presented me with her own leter which said she was sorry that as a result of her actions my world was turned upside down, but again that she believed good things can from this and she wants to remain friends and is very proud of the actions I'm taking, and she admires many things about me as a father and businessman. She still acknowldeges she loves me, but is NOT "in love" with me and doesn't feel that will ever change - so she tells "don't count your chickens there is almost no chance our marriage will survive.
She also admits wanting to go out with other people during our separation, but says there is no one in particular that she is pursuing, just that she wants to see what's out there. She also says she would never bring a date back to our house with our children and wouldn't do that until after we were divorced and only if she felt after dating someone for 3 to 6 months there was potential for a long-term partner there.
I also sense midlife crises with Amy looking at possible tattoos, toe-rings and other things she has never done. Her favorite recent movie? The Bucket List!
Please accept my apology for being so long winded. I have hope and told her that just as she is entitled to her convictions about what is best as the therapist told me I have a right to my integrity and hope.
Here's a question. I will hope for a miracle by giving her total space and being an unconditional friend for the next 3 months, but given her stubborn belief and looking forward to dating and discovering more about herself if at the end of the 3 month separation....SHOULD I GRANT HER A DIVORCE?
Do I need to give her that too under the umbrella of unconditional friend. She wants to continue to always have a parenting relationship with me and there will be regular meetings to discuss this, but am I shooting myself in the foot if at the end of the 3 months she insists on a divorce and I say no?
Thank so much for listening and all responses are welcome.
jamesb6402
I'm very sorry you find yourself here James. This is a very good place to be for support however.
Now, your not going to get a whole lot of action up here. You need to highlight and copy what you just posted and start your own thread.
Go to the midlife crisis main page. In the upper left hand corner you should see written in red "new topic." Click on that and in the subject line you can create whatever title you like. Then paste this post you just posted. Now you will have your own thread to give us your updates and have others respond.
Please don't be apprehensive when it comes to posting to others. This is how you develop friendship and support.
If you haven't already, take a look at the MLC resources. You need to learn as much as you can about this and how to deal with it. Here is the link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436 Read and learn and come here for support. Try not to discuss your problems with very many people other than a close friend and your counselor. Come here for advice and to vent.
Most importantly take care of yourself and your children right now. This is a long bumpy road with NO quick fixes.
Ha! I see you started a thread while I was typing this.
My bf's crisis spanned 5 years - from the year his Dad went into a coma and died.. he had unresolved issues about his dad, who he loved, but his Dad had had depressopn for 20+ years and wasnt really a father to him..and yet he had to care for him in his final 3 years, which he struggled with. His Mum was depressed for the first 8 years of his life. He has had very masked depression himself all his adult life.
2005 his father died and he just went in on himself from that point on. He insisted he had grieved, when in fact his grieving hadnt begun as he was stuck with unresolved feelings of guilt toward his father.. and the mask he wore to hide his depression slipped and its true.. they just do go a bit mad! They are not themselves, they act out of charactger, drink too much, get into debt, lose touch with old friends, make new friends, notice unsuitable woman at work and eventually.. walk out.
What I learnt was to be forgiving, he wasnt doing this maliciously or even making any healthy choices for himself, so it was easy to be forgiving. I was compassionate and kind and ALWAYS there for him (didnt follow the DB rule of accept 3 out of 5 invites and dont always answer the phone etc).. I was CONSISTENT. I didnt put ANY pressure on him, I never asked him what was going on or why he left (once I started DBing).I hugged him back when he hugged me. I respected his space (didnt pursue and tried every day to not initiate any contact and only did rarely if too many days went by not hearing from him).
He is now on a good AD and the ow is history and we are fine with a new R, better than the 9 years we had before. If anyone had told me he would have walked out, so brutally, I never would have believed it. He was the LAST person to behave as he did. He says now, he cannot fathom why he behaved the way he did, it was like he was insane and he feels that in fact he had a breakdown. He DID keep his job going which confuses some people, but he knew he had to do that else he really would be at rock bottom, so he managed to struggle through depression but keep his job.
He cant really explain what happened or why, he says he literally cant put his mind into his mind as it was then and understand his behaviour or choices.
MLC often goes hand in hand with depression and some pretty odd 'out of character' behaviour. Men in MLC also typically are dreadfully unhappy deep down. My bf did have issues from his childhood and being bought up by 2 depressed parents that seemed to give rise to the MLC, triggered early in him by the death of his Dad. Before the bomb he made reference to being "half the age my Dad was when he died" and seemed VERY aware of ageing.
I read all the resources here and posted every single day getting help from this wonderful community.
Hearing stories like this really give me a great deal of hope. I believe that my H is going thru a MLF as well. I pray that I have stopped my distructive behavior in time. Did you guys live together while going through this?
Hi, no he properly bombed me and walked out, refused to discuss it and was unable to give me any reason other than "this is the right decision for ME". We had been close for 12 years - 3 years as best friends then a 9 year R where we lived together and owned property. He went NC when he moved out but got back in touch 6 weeks later, but we were apart for 18 months in total, during which he never once so much as held my hand or kissed me, or talked about our R. There was alot of wierdness, such as he would visit me every week (up to 3 times a week after 6 months apart) but wouldnt let me go to his apartment (I never did see where he was living in the whole 18 months). Men in MLC pull back and withdraw and are VERY sensitive to pressure and expectations, they need their space and can become quite insular or lose themselves in drink and spending money.
I cried and begged and pleased and offered MC and cried some more, from August - November, when he left. I started DBing New Year, 2008 and I came here every day and posted and followed peoples advice. Good luck.
In all likelihood, sadly, your marriage is over. The sooner you recognize and accept this, the sooner you can begin your life after divorce. The next months and years will be very painful, maybe the worst you've ever experienced. But it will get better with time if you take care of yourself and your children and keep focused on the present and the future but not the past. The advice of Michelle's that worked best for me was Get A Life. It did not save my marriage, but it saved me. And that was even better than my broken marriage.
Good luck and I'm sorry you are going through this.
Dear imLin,
How do you know whether your spouse is in a MLC? Sometimes I thought my hubby was and other times I think not. Sometimes I think he has always been like this because of his family life as a child.
I don't know what to think anymore, I only know that my husband has been unhappy with me and our marriage for over 6 years. He had an affair for about 5 months or so. It is over.
During the past 3 years I thought my H was becoming an alcoholic. Now I realize, he was just unhappy.
He refuses to acknowledge any of his shortcomings. He was still lying to me, keeping secrets.
Claims he wanted to reconcile but did nothing to prove to me that he wanted me or our marriage.
When my Life Coach saw him ( only 2x) he told H that he has to start slowly moving back to me. H never went back to the Life Coach. H told me he can't be committed to me.
I have a long post under the thread of infidelity.
How long did your spouse stay away ? Were you separated ? Did your spouse have an affair? Did he say he never wanted to come back to you? Mine keeps saying he loves me but just wants to be friends.
Hello,
Your stories are so inspirational. I am only 31 and we will be having our 10 yr anniv in Feb. We have been together since we were 15. He left me in June and moved his things out in August. To a house he is renting from my dad, that is across from my gramma. We have a 10yr old son and a 7 yr old daughter. Two yrs ago he hit a deer on our harley and then right after that I had to close down my mtg company due to the housing crash and we ended up losing everything we owned. Right after that his company he had been with for 8yrs closed its doors too. Needless to say one bad thing after another. He holds all emotions inside. I have watched my best friend every since then become more and more depressed. He is the tough guy so he isnt depressed according to him. He told me he is unhappy and doesnt know why. He wont come home. He has said we should move on and that I am a good woman so I should find someone who will provide for me the way it should be. He is getting worse the longer he is gone. He looks bad, no longer cares about his job (he is usually very particular and proud), he doesnt keep a clean place (he puts the toilet seat down and cleans toothpaste out of sink), so nothing makes sense. No other woman to my knowledge. All the poeple we know know us together and are surrounded by my family. He talks to all still like its nothing. He is very close to my dad and I am very close to his mom. He has been blowing her off too and that is not normal either. I am at a loss but feel like I could wait forever if that is what I need to do. We are sharing the kiddos and doing what we can that way to keep them from being screwed up. We share the cost of things for them. He takes them a couple nights a week and then off ball times due to his schedule and mine. Still like a team tho. Any idea what is going on? He is also 31 but he is old beyond his years. He has had quite a while ride till now. He also was drinking and hanging with his buddies wanting to do the bar scene all the time. I love and miss him so much. I also am really worried about him as he is different. He wont talk about us at all. He will ignore me if I bring anything up. He texts me every day for some reason or another and if not then every other day for sure. Always about the kids. He has said that he wants a divorce but then does nothing about it. I am learning to do things that I like and learning how to live alone. I have not ever done that before so it is so weird. I miss my best friend more than anything. I have read the divorce remedy and just finished it yesterday so I am from here on out doing everything different. I will act like I am great and as if I have moved on. I just want my family back and hope that if I can be patient enough then it will one day be mine again. I am glad I found this site and look forward to reading your story.
Take Care,
Jewells
Hi Jewells,
I replied to your other post.
This forum has a lot of great folks who have been around here a long time. You might also like to post in newcomers.
Hang in there.
Thank you for sharing! I think my WAH is suffering from a MLC. I know it's going to be very tough if this is true.
This gives me hope. I'm just starting my journey after 28 years married and 35 years with the same man. I am hopeful but terrified.
hi galbaby-
i am in remarkably similar position as you. i read some posts of yours, i'm not very good at this forum and couldn't find your entire thread.
I've been living with man for 34+ years and find myself now trying to embrace this db philosophy and having a very darn hard time doing it. I can see how it might work- then the old fears & emotions creep in and i feel that maybe for him it's "all over" and there is nothing i can do but sit around and "bleed".
i've been db-ing since sept. last year- when i picked up a mwd book at the flea market-it flopped open to mlc and i read it and said - Oh, my God! this is us.
i just wanted to say hi and express my support and good luck wishes. i am having trouble finding things and people on this forum. (my first ever forum)
i keep thinking i save certain people and their posts - only to never find them again (well, easily) i run across them sometimes in other people's stuff.
i'll go look for your posts- i am less "terrified" - so one tiny bit more "accepting". by no means good at this, or comfortable with it- or even not sure i'm not crazy to even try.
after 34+ years with this man and feeling like we've been a part of each other's lives so long i'm not sure where i end and he begins- now this - he has become like a different person. i am not sure i like this new person- he has an ea and ow and that is what blows my "compassion". i can understand everything else and can "ride it out" - knowing he is with someone else when i'm lonely & blue (last nite comes to mind) - i lose it. this morning i'm still trying-
where we get this inner strength to just plug along one day after the other- i do not know- it appears (so far) - fingers crossed. sorry you are here and experiencing this- good luck- i'm going to go try and find your story-
seeya
GALbaby & Nero --- totally terrified but I tell myself to "fake it until I make it" plaster on that smile and keep taking it one step at a time. I hung up a large picture over the fireplace. I had never done that before by myself.
I am learning to do yard work. H always took that on and now I am learning slowly.
Everything and everyone still scares me a bit but I just try to be brave. It is only here that I let my true fears out. I guess what terrifies me the most is that I don't trust my inner voice. If it could be so wrong about the man I lived with and loved for so long then how can I rely on that voice to guide me? That's the dilemma for me anyway.
Hi. I just came across this post. Hopeful.
DH left 10/25 and didn't come home. No warning.
He moved in with his parents. Didn't contact me until I text him if he was okay on 10/26, he responded yes. And while my children and I were out on 10/26, he came home and packed almost every article of clothing, razors, shoes, etc.
Our children saw that his stuff was missing on 10/26. He never called the house or any of our cell numbers to see if we were home. He then contacted our children 10/28 and explained that "he didn't leave them." "He needs space and wants them to understand." He said he loves them very much. BTW-since this is so fresh, his mother came by 10/28 without calling to visit our children. I was at Bible Study. So she had one of my children call to see if it's okay she take them to lunch. I said yes. At this point I wasn't sure where he was staying and if my in-laws knew. When I came home, they were back. She didn't say anything about the situation.
Well, as she was leaving she cried and said that whatever we needed that they are just a phone call away. I appreciated that until she said, "He's not happy. He hasn't been happy for the last 10 years. He isn't in love with you anymore. You should just let him go. He can't be in a miserable marriage."
I tried to defend myself but I know I can't convince her that it's a MLC or depression. They only believe I'm the cause of this, since this is her son. So I just pray over her and all my in-laws that they speak words to uplift and unify our marriage and family not curse it.
Now, my DH timing is terrible since oldest child turns 18 in two weeks. Now what? Awkward? Our DS is angry, hurt, sad, confused.
I don't want a D.
I know DH feels hopeless and confused. I'm confused too. He denies any other person exists but I feel he's talking to someone who is encouraging this radical behavior. All I can do is pray. I'm in coaching and counseling sessions.
I tried to sign us up for Retrouvaille (sp.?!) He was okay with going at first but now really doesn't want to go. UGH!
So questions...
How do I manage his visitations with our children? Can I?
What do I say or do if he just shows up when I'm not home and he comes into house and takes more stuff? Can I establish a boundary?
He's trying to get our children to understand him but they don't. He tries to explain and even uses words I may have used (out of context) to justify or rationalize this behavior. So confused.
Just praying! Need encouragement!
Thanks for listening.
Hi vge..I am going through this also. I believed my h when he first started with the I don't love you when he said there was no one else. Only to find after he left that he had been texting and phoning a work colleague the whole time....one he is now living with. I too suspect that she had an agenda and was partly responsible for him leaving....but at the end of the day he is the one who ultimately abandoned his family. I range from crying and anger at the moment. At the moment I am in upset mode as he is now taking me to mediation regrading child access because I wouldn't let him have the kids on my weekend.
Unbelievable how he gets to carry on his new life yet he has such a sense of entitlement...me,me,me. Hope things start feeling better for you.
That's such a great news Lin! Happy to hear to hear that! All the best for your future life.
That's such a great news Lin! Happy to hear to hear that! All the best for your future life.
Post was 8 years ago
I would LOVE to read earlier threads from imLin's journey. Does anyone know how to access them?
I would LOVE to read earlier threads from imLin's journey. Does anyone know how to access them?
This is a link to what is currently on the forum
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2773452#Post2773452
Thanks Cadet,glad you could post these for me.
I'm wondering why I couldn't find these? I did the advanced search but it looks to me like it will only give results within the last 3 months. Tried that and of course no results. Everything else I try comes up 'nothing'. Or am I missing the obvious?
Thanks Cadet,glad you could post these for me.
I'm wondering why I couldn't find these? I did the advanced search but it looks to me like it will only give results within the last 3 months. Tried that and of course no results. Everything else I try comes up 'nothing'. Or am I missing the obvious?
Yes - the obvious is click on username then - show posts - then topics.
Hi Lin. I'm in the thick of it right now. My husband left 2 weeks before Christmas and he wants to "do what he whats to do". Its so hard because he tells people that he wants to live his own life but I'm still paying the bills and taking care of the kids. He is struggling with his career and his family. He only succeeds at having fun. How did you stick it out so long? I'm feeling frustrated.
Candace,
This is an older thread. Lin hasn't posted on the forum since 2012. You might want to read the current posters' threads and post your questions to them.
I used to think like a lot of people that MLC was just an excuse to act stupid, buy a sports car, and have an affair!
I learned it is so much more complicated and serious then that.
I have learned that usually MLC is coupled with unresolved issues from childhood...the worse the issues, the worse the crisis
I have learned that it usually takes a minimum of 2 years after the MLC'er bails on the family for them to return...IF they return
I have learned that the MLC will return with some pretty major issues to conquer...major depression, substance abuse, OP to let go of, and others...depression is the MOST common and usually at the root of the ENTIRE MLC to begin with...
Just a little of what I learned...my H is home, happy, and we have rebuilt a better stronger marriage...he has been home since 2006, says he loves me often, and is doing well with the kids (both minor and adult)...we are once again a family and to those who are new friends they would never guess what we had been through the past 7 years! (that is not a typo...his crisis was at least 7 years in length...from the beginning, to his leaving us, to his return, and finally to his becoming his true self again.
Hi imLIN, I was just curious as to if your H had talked a lot about divorce and divorce papers or did he just pretty much run to get his own space and never really mention the D word? My own H says all the same usual MLC things, how he was unhappy for years, etc. He says he has not had papers drawn up yet and will never serve me papers but he acts with mixed signals so it's hard to understand what he wants when he wont talk to me.