Thanks Karen ans Donna for your kind words. I think in the case of my STBXH that he likes to play the role of nice guy. When we were in MC this subject came up time and time again, that he did things that did not make him happy just so people would like him. I think all of the "babysteps" that I saw where not an effort by him to stay connected, but an effort to be the nice guy. Yes, it is so easy to want to have those crumbs but I have gotten to a place where I want more than that.
I just want to share how I am detaching. Yesterday my S had a IC appointment. STBXH attends these with us and normally while S is in with the doc we sit in the waiting area and talk/joke. Last night, STBXH asked me questions about how I was doing. I said I was doing really well, thank you. THen he wanted to know if I had plans this weekend. I replied "Yep." and thats it. He said, "Well, um, ok then." I was smiling and upbeat, not mean or nasty but unwilling to let him in. When S went inot the office, I grabbed my stuff and said I had to go home to do some things and I would be out of the house by 6pm. STBX was going to take S to dinner then bookstore, but instead they showed up at 5pm while I was getting ready. As I was walking out the door, STBX told me at least 3x's how great I looked.....I thanked him but did not read anything into it. I actually did feel like I looked good!
After I got home from the concert (I had a blast and a smile on my face the entire time!!!!!) he asked all about it. I talked with him for about 2-3 minutes, said it was wonderful then thanked him for staying a little later. I then picked up my dog and started to walk outside. I left STBX to find his way out on his own. After he was gone I realized that I truly do not like this person he has chosen to become. This is helping me to let go. Sure, I miss the old him, but that man no longer exsist. I'm in the final stage of mourning the loss of that man and ready to just move on.
I dont read anything into his actions anymore. They are all about him and have nothing to do with having concern or care for me. He has an OW to build his ego, I am no longer going to play that part as well. I just have to stay strong on this course because it truly is what is best for my heart. I wish from the bottom of my soul that we could work on making our M work, but wishing does not get you anywhere. Like I have read many times before "Never ask for a wishbone where a backbone should be." I'm trying to build that backbone now because I need it and my S needs it.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
I like that wishbone/backbone quote and hadn't heard it before. Makes total sense!
I'm glad you had fun at the concert. And yes, you do sound MUCH more detached than you were before.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Thank you so much for saying that. It is very kind of you. I have to admit that I am not feeling very positive at the moment. Its funny, I feel like I have been hit with the angry train and its roaring out of control. I know that this is just my way of finally letting go, one last look at the injustice of it all. My anger will pass, it is just a phase. Most of the time I feel pity towards STBXH, but at this moment I am feeling deep anger. I just cant believe he turned into such a manchild, acting like a crazy teen. I cant believe that he would be so shallow to leave me when I am this sick. Even if he does not love me, he should at least have a sense of obligation to help take care of things while I am going through treatment. What kind of person walks away from that??? Some one who is increditble selfish and shallow. Some one who is low and dirty. And why is it that I STILL have that one little teeny tiny voice back there saying "Please dont give up? What if you held out just a little longer and he came back. Look at all the babysteps he was making when I was acting like his friend." But where they really babysteps? God, I HATE THIS!!!!!! I want what was, not what is, but that only sows discontent into my life. I cant change what is, I know that. I have to learn to accept it. BUT I DONT WANT TO!
That small voice in my head keeps repeating what the DB coach said. Become the OW. Be their friend so they feel comfortable around you and trust you. That is when the love will grow. But when I threw myself into that, I went in all the way. I started to lose ground and myself. EVERYTHING became about watching for those baby steps. Part of me actually feels like there was progress being made even though he is still sleeping with OW. That part of me is whispering that I am blowing it by just letting go. But am I really? I was not the one who walked away. I was not the one who is having the A. I was not the one who only put my needs in front of everyone elses. So why do I feel responsible for the end of our M when I am finally letting go? God knows I dont want to D, but I dont feel like there is anything I can do to stop it at this point. I am just trying to accept it and move on.
I'm just so confused at the moment. I know this too shall pass and my path will appear more clearly, but at this very moment in time I am feeling like I just might be blowing the chance at R. Then again, am I really? I see so many WAH do the same thing that my STBX is doing AND IT DOESNT MEAN ANYTHING....they still leave. Is it better to just accept it and heal or keep trying? What is the opinion of those here. Again, I am just having a down day, so I am so sorry for the negative energy.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Your walking a fine line between trying to save a marriage and saving your health.Both take a lot of energy.Fighting for your marriage can be draining on your health.Since your already fighting to get healthy you don't have enough to spare to fight for your marriage.
I would set him on the back burner and focus on getting healthy.Hell I'm not even sure I would put him on the stove at all.You need to focus on you.
Right now you need to turn inward.Focus on those you love and those that love you.Set everything else aside.
Honey there are six billion people in the world.He is one man!He is not worth your health.If you are focusing on him your dividing your attention and energy between him and your health.Don't waste your energy.It's needed elsewhere.
Later Friend Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
Wise words. Leave him to his own devices and thoughts. He will make stuff up, anyway, no matter what you do about him. You have shown him your love and friendship. Think of how he will have to answer when others ask how you are, and HE DOESN'T KNOW.
You are right: its his time to prove himself, now, for better or for worse. You have already done your part, and he knows how you feel about the marriage and wanting to try. If he can't step up under these circumstances, is he someone that you would want?
Sorry you are feeling so down, but it also might just be a self-wakeup call.
You are all wise and completely right. I have stated many times that I know that the key to happiness comes from within. I need to just let him go so that I can go back to focusing on me. He made his choice, now I need to accept it. Thank you for such sage advice. Today was just a low day. I happens every so often but nearly as much as it used to. Sometimes, letting the grief out is the best thing so that we can just let it go. I think that is what I am doing.
This is why I post here, so that I can lean on people who have already walked a similar path and can help me navigate it. You all understand the doubts and the regrets. It does not mean we are not making the right choice, it just means we are wrapping our heads around a difficult situation. Why would I give my attention to someone who obviously cant be there at the most important time in my life? I should not want to and am working very hard to stop it. I grew up with this man, so it is going to hard to let go completely but I KNOW it is the right thing for me to do. Please feel free to hit me with 2x4's in the future because I am prone to dive into situations. They will be very appreciated.
Now that my self pity is over, I am enjoying a nice glass of Pino Nior. He can slum it with his OW, but I still have class! (oops, guess I need to work on being more positive today. O'well, there is tomorrow)
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
(oops, guess I need to work on being more positive today. O'well, there is tomorrow)