WOw, so you're wife cracked a little and exposed a bit to you? Its interesting her crying on the phone about issues at work. I'm glad you mentioned the OM in your post, becuase I was reading that thinking Hmmm... we dont know but, it seemed a bit of an overreaction on her part to be upset and crying because her friend moved office and her dog had died... just seemed to me perhaps that thats what she said she was crying about, but perhaps it also has something to do with the OM.. that either they are geographically separated now, or perhaps there is some worry that either he or she will no longer be working together. We dont know of course, but it made me wonder.
Great that she took the opportunity to open up to you anyway! That is positive.
Again, your W is exhibiting this strange over controlling nature. After 12 years together, having a D together and all the shared possessions, she finds it necessary to text you saying sure I will LOAN you the mattress.. so her Ds grandfather can sleep on it. I mean, really, is that really necessary !??
I do hope that your D hears nothing bad about you in Indiana or anywhere else. I thikn it is despicable behaviour to bad mouth fathers in front of the kids, especially when they are so young. Like someone posted to you though, as long as you maintain a loving connection with your D, she will know the truth in her heart and will be fiercly loyal of her dad as she grows up, no matter what anyone tells her. Every D needs a father. Dont worry about it!
Ali x __________________ Me: 37 BF: 34 T: 9 years IDLYA: 2 Nov 07 Own flat: 26 Jan 08 Depression confirmed: 4 Mar Stuck in Stage 2 !
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Letting go of your child is tough. I still have a tough time after the weekends with my S. I know he needs the relationship with his M but I see what she is doing to him and it kills me. My STBX is also very hypocritical with what she demands of me and her actions as a parent.
It is amazing the bonds you can have with a child in such a short time. My S is only 2 and every day he is dropped off, he can not get out of the car quick enough to come give me a hug. It is the best feeling ever and it reassures me that we will have a good relationship throughout all of this...
I know your heartache from being away from your child. Take it one day at a time, fill your days with good things to do, and it will be over soon enough. It will be tough but it will end...
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
RTL, I'm glad you have less worry about your relationship with your daughter. I was very concerned as you were, and had a long conversation with my counselor about this. Long. She reassured me.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
a child's bond w/ their parents are pretty much cemented by the time they are 5 or 6 and nothing others can say about the parent causes much to change for the child.
This thought bouys my spirits b/c D and I have a great relationship and I know she'll probably hear some bad things said about me in Indiana.
This is good news for me as well. However, I've heard and read in several places, that saying bad things about a co-parent to the child directly or indirectly (i.e to friends or family), has a huge impact on the child's self esteem. Development experts agree that the child views both parents as an extension of themselves. Saying to a child that "dad is bad" is no different from telling the child, repeatedly, "you are ugly".
In my sitch I've recently learned that my wife has told one of her best friends, that she thinks I have "feelings" for our D5 (her gut told her this 5 months after she dropped the bomb). However, since then she has had no issues with me giving D baths, or taking her on multi-day overnight trips. I've stewed on this for two weeks now, and have been afraid to talk with her about it because I'm DB'ing, etc. But no more... this is really not fair to me, nor to our daughter. This is not the action of a wife or a friend (she says she wants to be friends)... She is welcome to her feelings and fears, I'd rather she talked with me about them. However, her actions clearly are to use this to rationalize her walk-a-way actions and to demonize me. DB or not, I plan to take a stand on this one.
Yes I saw it as a small crack in her armor as well. In her old office, she was only a few steps away from OM, but now she's on the other end of the building from him. That could end up working in my favor. She does feel like she'll be isolated and away from everyone she's grown close to and she is especially crushed by losing the classes she loved to teach - her American Lit courses.
Her boss is a witch and I know she's not a nice human. I'm a bit surprised, but not too surprised, that she chose to talk w/ me about these things and that she let her guard down and cried. I have to look at it as baby steps.
I spoke w/ my DB coach this morning and while I need to continue to do things for me, I also need to work on being more empowering and affirming to W. Even though my intentions are good, I'm coming across to W as trying to "rescue" her too much. In other words, it is coming across like I'm giving her advice and thus trying to control her when I say things like "you don't have to stay there if you don't want to." I've learned today I should instead say things like "This must be difficult for you b/c I know how hard you work and how much you value your friendships at work."
If I can do it the 2nd way, I'll take "ME" completely out of the equation. I need to refrain from using "I" in my conversations w/ her and instead focus on what she's doing, how she's feeling, and how it affects her. This is something I'm not good at and need to learn in this process as well.
Finally, as far as the badmouthing goes, I hope it doesn't go on in front of my D also, but unfortunately there isn't a thing I can do about it. The only thing I can do is be solid on my end and give D some balance. My DB coach said today that children have the most difficulty relating and talking w/ the parent they are the most emotionally unsure of being around. I'm hoping that isn't me, but I've got to make sure to attack any and every situation w/ this in mind. I have to make sure I set clear boundaries w/ D and be consistent so she won't feel unsure around me.
My D always screams "daddy" and runs to me whenever I pick her up. It is clear she is excited to see me. I'm also sure at this point that her affection for me irritates W to no end, but I LOVE it! It makes anything negative I may have experienced during the day go away instantly.
I know it will pass and I'll be on top. My focus is on me and my D, but you are right that it still stinks to have to wait.
Time is my friend, but I want my friend to move faster.
I'm glad you had this conversation w/ your counselor and shared it w/ me. I'm also very glad that we both can be more at ease w/ our situations.
It is unfair what is happening, but it is happening and we have to deal w/ it.
I do feel much more at ease, but I still wish I wasn't here. However, who really knows? I may have needed this in order to learn how much I love my family, to learn how to become patient, to learn how to be affirming and a good listener. To just learn more about being a better me.
I wish I wouldn't have had to go this route, but it is the path I've been selected to walk, so now it is up to me to maximize my experiences while I'm on my journey.
I have to continue to learn so I can be the man I'm supposed to be.
My W has thrown out that load of bull at me as well. I think you have every right to fight these charges. They are too serious to leave alone.
In fact, my DB coach said this morning that she agreed w/ my deposing my W on the legal record to refute these and other false charges coming from her. You are in your rights to do this, but you need to be careful w/ how you approach your W w/ your side.
I'm not sure how to tell you to handle things. If you attack, it will get ugly and she'll strike back. That definitely won't help your DBing efforts. On the other hand, doing nothing tells the world that your W's accusations are correct.
My only advice would be to call and talk it over w/ a DB coach. They are REALLY good at what they do and they can tell you EXACTLY how to confront your W on this in the most productive way. Others may have had to do what you're planning on doing and can give you some advice to follow.
As for me, since I'm embroiled in a legal affair, I decided to allow the legal process to work and use it to dispute my W's claims. I'm not sure what I'd do if I wasn't in the middle of a divorce.
RTL I know you will miss your D while she is away and are worried about what will be said in front of her. But , you never know, It might be the best thing for W to be away from the OM and with a good friend. Who knows, her friend just might help her see things differently. Gabbing with a girlfriend all week just might make W see her hostile actions in a new light. It just might make her rethink what she is doing,and reconsider.Her friend may actually make her face her own issues.
RTL, While they are away, do some things for yourself. It will help you pass the time and get your mind off of things. Keep moving forward. Your reply is exactly how I am feling as well. I have come to the point where there is no reason to continue to try and DB with my STBX, she wants nothing to do with me. She is so resentful that she is now trying to drag out the divorce as long as possible so I waste more money.
We are both just focusing on us and our children. It is all we can do. Keep up the good work and hopefully the parachutes that are slowing down will one day be gone...
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
