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Some people are fix-it addicts. Fixing their marriages becomes the main focus of their lives. The problem with this is that relationships are like see-saws: the more one person does of something, the less the other one will do. If one person takes out the garbage all the time, the other partner won’t even think about garbage day. If one person remembers family members’ birthdays all the time, the other partner doesn’t have to think about birthdays. If one partner is the

Easier Done Than Said Sometimes, trying to solve marital problems by discussing them doesn't work. Here is an idea that suggests that stop using words entirely to get your messages across. No talking on the phone, no letter writing, no e-mails, you just take action! Women really benefit from using this technique because we now know that men are less verbally-oriented and more action-oriented than women. Men sometimes get overloaded with words and they stop listening. Wh

The Medium is in the Message When you are trying to get through to your partner, there are many ways to do it. You can have a face-to-face discussion, write a heartfelt letter, e-mail or text message, talk about things over the phone, or send a greeting card. Many couples (including Jim and me) admit to having some of their most productive conversations over the phone. I often encourage couples to call each other, even if they’re in the same house! The point is, just bec

Several weeks ago I looked out my office window and noticed tell-tale signs that Fall was upon us. With all of its beauty, Fall feels bittersweet to me- the ending of summer and the beginning of crisp evening air and other harbingers of winter. Fall always makes me pensive. But this year, the ping felt deep inside has taken on extra meaning. It marks the two-year anniversary of my mother’s fatal car accident. During the first year, I did all the right things. I accepted the f

Do Something Different Human beings are creatures of habit. Most of the time, we’re on automatic pilot. We sleep on the same side of the bed every night. We sit in the same chair at our dining room table. We take the same route to work each day. Being on automatic pilot is not necessarily a bad thing. Habitual responses are economical. They allow us to go through our lives without having to concentrate on what we’re doing. But being on automatic pilot is a problem when

I know what you’re thinking , “Of course I have to complain, my spouse never listens.” If that sounds familiar, you may have been asking to have your needs met in the wrong way. In fact, lots of times people think that they are requesting a change from their partners when they are doing nothing more than complaining. Complaints turn people off and build resistance. They don’t spark a spirit of cooperation. I learned this firsthand in my own marriage. My husband, Jim, work

Every once in a while I step back and think about the messages I give to couples in my practice, seminars, keynotes and in my writing. To be sure, I have been a psychotic optimist about people’s ability to survive whatever comes their way in terms of marital challenges. For example, my mantra when interviewed by media about the impact of infidelity is that it is by no means a marital deal breaker. In fact, I say, that when a couple is willing to do the hard work of healing fr