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Clue #5: Note what’s different about the times that something constructive comes from “the problem”. Samantha was angry at her boyfriend all the time. She would even wake up in the middle of the night with her teeth clenched after dreaming about something he had done. She felt that these intense feelings of rage were harming her health, not to mention her relationship. Her boyfriend was losing patience with her. In addition to asking her the usual exception question – “What’s

Talking Tip #7: Heed his effort to make amends. John Gottman also noticed that in healthy relationships, one person often reverses the flow of negative communication by attempting to say something conciliatory. Then the other person acknowledges it and becomes more conciliatory in return. For instance, after fighting for a while, one person might say, “Well, I suppose there’s something to what you’re saying” or “I think we both do that [admitting culpability]. Hearing the