I wanted to share something another poster wrote recently. His name is Phoenix, whose W is with OM#2. He had never dated anyone before he met his W. He had no friends, and no life outside his marriage. He had such a difficult time last year, and really struggled GAL, meeting new people, making friends, and basically reinventing himself. I give him a lot of credit for not giving up on himself. In the face of rejection, he was determined to make changes in his life. He sent us an update, and closed the post with the following words:
Quote
I will be forever grateful for all of the support you have given me in the last year. I have said this constantly throughout my journey but I will always repeat it over and over again. You not only saved my life, but have helped me turn it into something even better - something that I thought would never happen.
For those who are currently struggling through your situations, I will echo the same thing numerous folks have said here time and time again: Keep fighting. Keep hoping. Keep going. It will get better. Reconciliation is not the true goal here. Rediscovering yourself and your happiness is the goal. Reconciliation is just something that may come as a bonus. And if it does not, you will still be a better man/woman coming out of this.
Thanks for sharing, Sandi2! I just went to read his last update, seems like he is doing really well for himself and much happier in general. I honestly wouldn't know where I would be if it wasn't for this forum. I am not going to lie, still on that rollercoaster ride for me since meeting up with her for D back to school night this past Wednesday. Too many memories were brought back, got derailed a bit and trying to get on the right track again.
I will continue to fight the fight. I will keep going for my D and myself. I am really glad I have you all for listening and giving advice, for just helping me understand what I am going through is normal.
This past weekend, my D was with her so I decided to keep busy so my mind doesn't wonder. I went to the gym, hung out with friends, dinner, etc. Saturday night, I decided to grab coffee with a friend and his friends. We sat at a coffee shop just chit chatting and I met a few other people. To say the least, I talked to a female and she seems interesting and invited me to hangout more this coming weekend. Fast forward to yesterday morning, my STBX calls and I asked her about her weekend with our D and what they did and such. Than she ask what I did, the female came up as I was telling her about my week than she got all frustrated and emotional. Than she started questioning if she looks better than her, is she fit, has she been to your house yet, are you going to take her to meet your parents, etc - in my head I was like WTF! She was actually sobbing. I didn't go out looking for anyone and to be honest, we are just friends - I like meeting new people. I don't know if jealousy kicked in or not but sounded like she wanted to have all the fun with this OM she cheated on me with but I was supposed to be miserable and alone. I know this sounds a little harsh, but I actually felt good knowing that she is hurt by it. And no we are not getting back together or anything - I am not playing her little game as plan B. Not going to lie though, I still have feelings for her but I am working on that day by day. I am honestly ready for the D to be finalize so I can officially be free from the chain. I am trying my best to not rush into any relationship because I really do want to work and be a better person for myself and my daughter. But if someone comes along naturally, I am not opposed to stopping it also.
I went to the gym, hung out with friends, dinner, etc. Saturday night, I decided to grab coffee with a friend and his friends. We sat at a coffee shop just chit chatting and I met a few other people.
That all sounds fine.
Quote
I talked to a female and she seems interesting and invited me to hangout more this coming weekend.
This does not. What are your motivations for this? You are not even 3 months past BD, there is no way you're ready to introduce another woman into your life. You've got a lot of growth to do yet.
Quote
Than she ask what I did, the female came up as I was telling her about my week than she got all frustrated and emotional.
Calling this other woman who is a person with feelings "the female" seems a little cold to me, like she's some object for your use. And bringing her up in a convo with your W definitely smacks of revenge-seeking.
Quote
I didn't go out looking for anyone and to be honest, we are just friends
You really think you're being honest there?
Quote
I know this sounds a little harsh, but I actually felt good knowing that she is hurt by it.
You're right, it's harsh. It's you stooping down to her level when you should be rising above and being the rock and the lighthouse.
Quote
I am honestly ready for the D to be finalize so I can officially be free from the chain.
If you are expecting some sense of freedom from getting divorced you are in for a huge disappointment. You've got to get your mind straight before you're ready for D and that takes time. You are trying to "rip the bandaid off" and get it over with, but that's not how it works.
Quote
I am trying my best to not rush into any relationship because I really do want to work and be a better person for myself and my daughter.
The 2nd part is exactly right. The first part, sounds to me like you're doing the opposite. And that will sabotage the 2nd part.
Anotherstander - I honestly didn't think anything of it when she asked me to hang out for the weekend but meeting new people at least it didn't cross my mind. We just talked and she knows my current situation. Yes, we are just friends - nothing more, we didn't try or do anything - she knows what I am going through and she respects that. I am probably trying to rip the "bandaid off," I know its going to hurt when the time comes and most likely be on a emotionally rollercoaster ride when facing reality. I try to tell myself to go day by day, gal, stay busy. Just some days I feel great and some days not so great. It just so happen that when I was out for the weekend I met some new people and I guess enjoyed the company.
Anotherstander - I honestly didn't think anything of it when she asked me to hang out for the weekend but meeting new people at least it didn't cross my mind. We just talked and she knows my current situation. Yes, we are just friends - nothing more.
I have heard this so so sooooooooooo many times here. And I've been here a few days. You are trying to fill the emotional void with another person, and it never works. Don't drag someone else into the wreckage of your marriage. Let your situation play out first. You've got plenty of time for lady "friends" later.
@Leo22 - we are running parallel lives. I met someone too and it got back to my STBX. I am equally as confused as you as why the STBX gets so upset.
I've read some previous posts from cadet's welcome thread basically encouraging the LBH to move forward and make it appear that he no longer wants the WW.
Anotherstander - I honestly didn't think anything of it when she asked me to hang out for the weekend but meeting new people at least it didn't cross my mind. We just talked and she knows my current situation. Yes, we are just friends - nothing more.
I have heard this so so sooooooooooo many times here. And I've been here a few days. You are trying to fill the emotional void with another person, and it never works. Don't drag someone else into the wreckage of your marriage. Let your situation play out first. You've got plenty of time for lady "friends" later.
Thanks AnotherStander - you are correct. I was trying to tell myself we are just friends, but most likely trying to fill the emotional void. We haven't hung out since that day.
Originally Posted by firemann
@Leo22 - we are running parallel lives. I met someone too and it got back to my STBX. I am equally as confused as you as why the STBX gets so upset.
I've read some previous posts from cadet's welcome thread basically encouraging the LBH to move forward and make it appear that he no longer wants the WW.
Just a quick update on my sitch. A few days after the coffee shop weekend, everything has been different. She seems like a completely different person but I been trying to take everything slowly. Day by day, I have been seeing changes, the way that she used to be before this whole sitch happened. The woman I fell in love with. She wants to cancel the divorce and reconcile. I have never been so happy in my life but at the same time walking on egg shells. We talked for a while on a few occasions and she told me everything that has happened, not sure if it is right but I told her that I am able to forgive her but can't forget what she has done - said she fully understands and wants to earn my trust & respect back. She broke it off with the OM, since then he's been messaging her daily about how in love he is with her and such almost everyday. She shows me the messages and doesn't entertain him. She called my parents and apologize to them, broke down several times, got an earful of lecture from my mom. Everything is so crazy at the moment and I am trying to process this all in. By the way, she still lives at her apartment because we feel that its too soon to move back in - in time when it feels right she's welcome back at my place. I am so thankful for everyone on this forum. I will update from time to time as we are really trying to make this marriage work. I know when I found out about the PA I said that I don't know if I can take her back but I was dead wrong. I love her way to much and we are going to hopefully come out stronger than before. I just tell myself take it day by day, repeatedly. Slow and steady wins the race, right?
Just a quick update on my sitch. A few days after the coffee shop weekend, everything has been different. She seems like a completely different person but I been trying to take everything slowly. Day by day, I have been seeing changes, the way that she used to be before this whole sitch happened. The woman I fell in love with. She wants to cancel the divorce and reconcile. I have never been so happy in my life but at the same time walking on egg shells. We talked for a while on a few occasions and she told me everything that has happened, not sure if it is right but I told her that I am able to forgive her but can't forget what she has done - said she fully understands and wants to earn my trust & respect back.
Leo, tread very carefully. It's only been 2 months since BD, that's really soon for her to have a genuine turnaround. I'm not saying it's impossible but I've seen it happen before where the WAS "tries" one last time before stating she was just making sure it really was over. So maintain your distance and give her time to show she's really serious about it. If she is serious then she should be willing to go to MC and to be transparent about her social media passwords and activity.
Quote
She broke it off with the OM, since then he's been messaging her daily about how in love he is with her and such almost everyday. She shows me the messages and doesn't entertain him.
Why hasn't she blocked him? When you say she "broke it off", in what way? How this should happen is she should send him one last message telling him that she is fully invested in making the M work, and does not want any further contact with him, and explain to him this is her last message and that she is blocking him. Then do it all while you watch.
Quote
By the way, she still lives at her apartment because we feel that its too soon to move back in - in time when it feels right she's welcome back at my place.
Good! There's no rush.
Quote
I will update from time to time as we are really trying to make this marriage work.
Definitely keep posting as the REALLY hard work is just beginning.
I wish you all the best! I’ve read along with your sitch, and I think it’s wonderful that you are getting the opportunity to work on your marriage. I agree with the wise vets who will tell you to tread slowly and carefully. But also, enjoy it!
