That sounds very hard It sounded like he really struggled to really articulate what he needs, and also like he was very uncomfortable during the session. But it also sounds as you say like he wanted to try, he's just not there yet. The hug and the empathy from him, hang onto that and see his anger and unwillingness to be open as him feeling scared and unable to be vulnerable. Plus men are often just not as good at talking about feelings as women, they don't have the same emotional range allowed to them. AND he's a distancer, and we are just crap at talking about difficult emotions, trust me on that one!
You're feeling disappointed, hurt and hopeless. These feelings will pass. Go take care of yourself, get your walk and your fresh air in and calm yourself down. Sometimes I think this whole process is more like a seesaw than a rollercoaster...
Please start a new thread and link the two threads together. Thanks!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He's incredibly critical - isn't able to say what he wants, only to point out what he doesn't like. Won't make suggestions for changes or solutions to problems that affect him. Totally unwilling to compromise to meet the needs of anyone else. I suggested we both needed to come into the middle, gave examples of things I felt I needed to change, and said I was willing to go first. Asked him if there was anything he felt he could change or move on. Point blank no, no way, not considering it, not even talking about what would need to change so he could consider it.
All that points to him not being ready or committed. You might consider switching to strictly co-parenting counseling and drop any marriage counseling for now.
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Blame. Won't say what he wants - even in the session - then when we were coming towards a decision, claimed that what he wanted hadn't been taken into account, then when the therapist asked him to say what he wanted, he claimed there wasn't enough time to go into it - which is classic evasive tactics.
Yes exactly, he's treating everyone like the enemy and counseling as if it's a battleground rather than making any significant effort to use it as a tool to improve communication.
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He started raising his voice and berating me at one point - and I flinched - then he got angry with me because I'd flinched and claimed I was play acting in order to get the therapist on side. I asked him if he'd lower his voice as I found it upsetting, then he started whispering sarcastically.
It sounds like he has a lot of hate and anger in his heart and it's pushed away his capacity to feel love.
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I have no idea why he went, I really don't.
To say he "tried everything". That's why they go. At least now you know he's unwilling to work on things and can take action accordingly. I'm sorry it didn't go better, but he still has to fall a long ways and hit bottom before things might get better.
It wasn't marital therapy - only for co-parenting, Another Stander - but I take your point. He doesn't seem really invested in finding a solution. I agree with you about his anger. I suspect underneath that anger is a whole lot of hurt about feeling unimportant and rejected. And while some of that he's brought on his own head by his behaviour, some of that is fair and reasonable. And I can do what I can to take his views into account and be open to compromise, but if he's not going to tell me what he wants, the chances of him getting it are just about nil.
But I have sent him this list of suggestions and he has the week to think it over. I won't engage in any more absorbing of blame. He can either come up with his own list, and we will meet in the middle, or I will go ahead with mine as I do think there needs to be a bit more structure and boundaries in my parenting. I am prepared to go ahead and parent as I see fit without his co-operation and while we're separated, I don't need his co-operation. I'd prefer to have it, but I don't need it, and whether he gives it or not is down to him.
It sounded like he really struggled to really articulate what he needs, and also like he was very uncomfortable during the session. But it also sounds as you say like he wanted to try, he's just not there yet. The hug and the empathy from him, hang onto that and see his anger and unwillingness to be open as him feeling scared and unable to be vulnerable. Plus men are often just not as good at talking about feelings as women, they don't have the same emotional range allowed to them. AND he's a distancer, and we are just crap at talking about difficult emotions, trust me on that one!