Went to the casino last night and it wasn't much fun. I signed up for that rewards card that will get me the free ticket for the concert I want to go to. They put some money on the card that can be used at the slots. While signing up they have you roll dice to determine how much money you get. Of course, I hit one of the few combos where you only get five bucks, but that was still five bucks more than when I walked in. Was at a casino last maybe 10 years ago, back when you go to the cashiers, give them cash, and get a bunch of chips in a big plastic cup. Feeding the penny slots was fun. Now the machines take the cash, no more chips, winnings are paid out as paper slips that can be fed back into the machines or cashed in. I'm too stupid to operate these modern machines, most of the time I did not know what the heck was going on, but I ended up winning 2$. Yay! The casino is small, has restaurants in it that are obnoxiously overpriced, from the outside the place looks like a mix between parking garage and penitentiary. The inside is nice, but having been to the big casinos it isn't special. Figured out where the concert will be and where to park, so my objective was met. The staff was really nice, no matter if it was the security guard or the cashier who explained to me that they no longer use chips or the service rep who signed me up for the card. Schenectady is not a rich city and the near region isn't either. Although the place was full, I'd thought they cater a bit more to the local audience, at least get an all you can eat buffet in there that doesn't cost a ton. Everyone who walks through the doors will typically leave some money there. Not everyone is as cheap as I am, hehe. Night was still young, so I drove to a Biergarten and had one Carlsberg and a load of nice, greasy pretzel sticks. It is a nice place, but the happy couples having fun made me feel out of place there.
Before I left I talked to S17 about his server and he showed me all the photos he took (I did see the parts before). He is so proud as this was the most challenging build he did so far. Having to rewire the power supply always comes with the risk of things going wrong badly, but he got the service manual and checked and measured several times, then stepped away from it for a bit, and checked again. He did a fine McGyver job. I did not mention the fight he had with WW and he didn't bring it up either. One thing he said still rings in my ears "I want my mom back!" Makes me cry thinking about it. He is 17 and he does not know it all, but he is right with this. The areas in the house where WW spends most of her time are littered with empty beer cans and trash. Is that how she wants her kids to see her? Is this how she wants them to remember her if she decides to leave? Long time ago when I was clinging to S17 to figure out what to do (I was desperate, it wasn't a good thing to do, although he is older it is not his problem to deal with) he said, that WW needs to hit rock bottom and that she wasn't there yet. Maybe that still holds true. Maybe it will take more encounters like this for her to wonder if she is doing the right thing. I will not instigate such encounters, but I am sure they will happen again. I told S17 that I will go out, but I didn't tell him where. Chances of him taking it the wrong way were too large, meaning that he thinks that dad now gambles all the money away and gets drunk at the bar.
When I got back S13 was looking for food, singing in the kitchen. He still doesn't feel well having a cold. He asked me where I went. He wondered about it, because I already went to the store grocery shopping. I told him and I made it clear that I was only going there to look. We talked about stuff and I showed him some photos I took over the past days. After a while he complained that it was cold, but that is because the heat turns off after 10PM for night temp. So we split ways and he told me again that he loved me.
I feel so bad for the kids. They have done nothing wrong, yet they suffer a lot. There is only so much I can do to compensate. I try so hard...who'd thunk that I watch YT videos on how to bleach hair so that S13 can finally get his pink hair? Targeting this now for next weekend, he won't be in a mood to go through this ordeal with a cold and I still need to learn more about developer and bleach powder and application brushes and wrapping hair in plastic foil.
Today is shaping up....cat barfed on the bed, so I am cleaning that up, talking to my mom around 11, need to get more pine shreds for the cats, have to stop at the pharmacy and see if they got my prescription ready (I texted the doc and he said he called it in...chances are WW took the call and didn't pass that info on). Also need to get some taco cheese and lettuce. S17 will make the taco meat on Tuesday. Not sure what dinner plans are for tomorrow, but there is plenty of food and leftovers. Also got carrots and still have a big cabbage, so I will try my luck with cole slaw. I see that I get that ready for Thursday, got frozen fish, frying that up will match quite nicely. Wednesday is everyone feeds themselves day or leftover tacos (usually there are no leftovers despite 3 pounds of meat!). I left the bratwurst at the store this time after S13 started to make jokes that I really like bratwurst a lot. I do, but I think he had enough of it for now. So stores and pharmacy later, then gym, and for dinner I make pasta and tomato sauce. The kids like it and I do, too. Will see, maybe there is some time left to play some games with S13. There is also an array of bathrooms that need cleaning, but that totally doesn't sound like fun. What else...WW showed up and thanked me enthusiastically for making coffee. Heard her tapping away on her computer for a while and then she left, around the time where she tries OM to convince that drinking is bad. Oh yes, the irony is not lost on me. I switched over from TracFone to Google Fi. Fi is more expensive, but I will at least get voicemail on my cell and will have unlimited text and calls and more importantly, I can use my phone when I am in Germany. I will also see that I move the SIM for my 10$/year T-Mobile service to S13's old phone, which is better than the pathetic LG feature phone that I used to have. It will be a shared emergency phone, but I bet we will forget to keep it charged, but for 10 bucks a year I keep that old plan as long as T-Mobile lets me.
And there are still a lot of stamps to sort away now that I got them all off the paper. Also thinking about what to plant where in the garden, have to mix it up each year a bit so that the soil doesn't get drained of always the same nutrients. Can't do that with the fenced in patch, that gets the cabbage and maybe some broccoli. Have to build cages for the beans as well. Now that the cabbage is off the menu for the groundhogs they started eating the young bean plants. Will move the small greenhouses to a different spot this year as well. The tomatoes didn't get enough sun in the spot where I put them last year. And maybe I will make wine again in the fall, got a bunch of Concord grapes in the back. I get sweet grapes from the store to mix in and get enough juice for a gallon jug. It is a pain in the rear to pluck the berries of the stems and the final result isn't that great, but when mixed with lemon soda it tastes surprisingly good. Maybe I take some time off during summer and redo one of the bathrooms. Especially the shower is falling apart because the previous owner was a moron and put the tub in after the walls and didn't put the hard foam support under the tub and cut a gaping hole into the floor for the drain. So each time you step into the shower the tub flexes and the edges move off the walls just enough to destroy the caulking. The corner is especially bad and there is only so much that silicone and flextape can do. It's from the early 80s and way past its life span. Want to add shutoffs to the water supply lines so that I can turn the water back on in the house and take my time fixing up the bathroom. Also have to come up with some ideas for storage for S13's room since he wants a makeover for his bday.
Plenty of plans and things to keep me busy and my mind occupied.
As if things couldn't get worse...although, I do not know if they got worse. I stepped away from the computer for a few minutes and W took a peek at what is on the screen. Here are the messages she sent me:
Can you get NyQuil for Alton? His request 10:54 AM I'll stop drinking. Didn't know it was bugging ppl so much. Honestly, I'm a combination of bored, lonely, and depressed. I see things very differently in this situation than you do. It may appear otherwise, but I'm doing my best. 12:17 PM Alton probably can't go tonight He has diarrhea Hope he feels better soon I gave him some pills for it I read some of what you wrote. I didn't purposefully go looking, but I was trying on my pants upstairs and you have everything turned on Not right of me, but I'm a little concerned about you airing my personal details on facebook and I do not see the details the same way like saying Vikas is half my age. If that were the case, I'd be 60. A bit of an exaggeration. I don't participate in family life. What family life have we had? Most of what I did with the kids I did alone for years and years. That's not fair. And I'm not out to ruin you financially. You know how difficult it is in my situation. I'm doing the best I can do I honestly didn't think I'd find any job above minimum wage, but I did. Beyond that I didn't read more
==== I don't know if or how I should respond to this. OK, the age thing is crude math, but the point is that she almost could be his mom (and I think that is what he is looking for, mom 2.0). I wrote a reply to myself, have not sent it, and I really don't know if I should. It would go against being as dark as possible and not showing any weakness....but honestly, I am tired of having to be strong. Well, here is my potential response.
What you read is how I feel about things. I hate this situation, it is the worst time in my life, and you having this affair is the worst thing you could have done to me. On some days I think that killing me would have been less cruel.
I made mistakes in the past and I acknowledge that, but I never had any malicious intents and it definitely was not because I didn’t love you. I should have done better, but I didn’t know any better, but to this day I have been loyal….and I still love you.
No matter what happened or didn’t happen, I cannot change the past, nobody can. For that reason I try to stop dwelling on it. I try to look forward, I try to see that the kids can have a future, and that we somehow come out at the end of this journey as best as possible without knowing where things go.
The past months were hell. I am not well. Like you, I have depression and I feel so [censored] lonely. I am sad, hurt, in pain, and hopeless. I want to fight this, because I don’t want it to ruin my life. I tried to work this out on my own and I can’t. That is when I looked for help. One of these sources of help is this closed self-help group on FB for spouses/partners of depressed/bipolar persons. We share a lot of personal information because so many are in exactly the same situation and they, too, turn to strangers on the Internet to get help. I am in another closed forum not on FB and the folks there are very helpful and encouraging. I am still talking to the listener on 7 cups once in a while, I see the therapist, and since it all didn’t help enough I fought hard to see a psychiatrist. I start on Wellbutrin soon, but do not know what it will do for me. It has the risk of inducing seizures.
We used to play games or just spend time together. It wasn’t an action packed family life, but we enjoyed each other’s company. I may not have valued that enough in the past, but I do now. Spending time with Konrad and Alton is priceless. Having dinner with them a few times a week is a source of happiness. Having Alton help carrying groceries in without being asked is great. Asking Konrad to do something and he goes ahead and does it is awesome. Seeing Alton have fun at Dave & Buster’s was incredible, seeing Konrad’s enthusiasm about his server is infectious. We have the best kids we could have ever wished for. And nothing beats them telling me that they love me.
I know that nothing is easy for you. I understand that you suffer, that you are depressed, and that even the next step, the next breath is a challenge. Getting up in the mornings is a major accomplishment. You may not believe me, but I know how you feel. I haven’t been there, I am there.
That you got that job is incredible. I am very happy for you. You wrote a kick ass resume, you applied to all these places, and you kept going until something came from it. As with everything, once you have your mind set on something you dive into it head first, with 120% and everything cranked up to 11. This is an incredible quality, the sheer essence of total willpower.
You remember in air planes, when they do the safety stuff, they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before assisting others. If you are incapacitated you cannot do anything, you cannot help someone else, you first have to make sure that you are well before assisting others. We are stuck in that moment, trying to get that damn mask on so that we can breathe. That takes time, a lot of time, more time than we think it will take. It takes a lot of patience.
I do not know what your plans are. Maybe you can’t think that far ahead, instead taking each day at a time. That is OK. I have no definitive plans either. I have dreams and I wish nothing more than you to be in them. Things will pan out one way or another and until then we need to see that we get well.
=====
So there we have it. Once again I have no clue what to do. Every option just feels wrong. WTF...why did she have to start an affair with that yahoo? Why do I keep asking that question knowing that there is no answer for it? I hate my life.
