Background: I’m 29 (SAHM), he’s 30 (extremely stressful high paying job), we’ve been together for 9 years, married for 4, both stressed due to a move a little over a year ago to a state away from family and friends while halfway through a pregnancy (5th pregnancy, 1st baby)
A little over a month ago my husband told me he’d been seeing someone else and for over a year behind my back. He said he couldn’t lie to me and keep it a secret anymore. That it was killing him. We have a 1 year old, so basically while we were struggling with a newborn, he was also communicating with her. He claims they started out as just friends, but as he opened up to her about troubles at home, they got closer and eventually it turned physical. She used to be a local bartender (that’s how they met) and doesn’t have a good reputation from what I’ve been told by people that know who she is (supposedly not a “one man woman”) so she obviously has experience reeling in men. She knew how to sink her teeth into him when he was most vulnerable and weak. [Definitely not making excuses for him though.] He told me he loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore. He started talking about all the things he’d been holding in that were wrong with our relationship and marriage. Mostly things like my undiagnosed PPD after I had the baby, how he never got to grieve properly after our 4 miscarriages because he felt like he had to be strong for me, how I didn’t make him feel appreciated sometimes, how he felt like a caretaker and not a husband sometimes, how I don’t communicate well, and how he felt like he was talking to a wall at times. He claimed there was nothing left to save for him. A week later, I packed up our son and what I could fit in the car and left our home to go stay with my parents 2 states away. Found out AP came to town (she used to live in the same town but moved 2 hours away) the night our son and I left, which he claims was a coincidence, that he didn’t tell her come and she was in town for her friend’s birthday, but he also admitted she had come by our house. I was furious and asked him if he wanted a divorce. He said he wasn’t expecting me to ask that, to which I replied, “Well what is there left for me to do, you obviously made your decision when you let her come into our home only a few hours after we left.” So a couple of days go by, and he says he doesn’t want me to file for divorce. He said he regretted the affair and knew how much he crushed me. He has constantly beat himself up about it. We decided to work on talking it out and resolving some of our issues and concerns, which was very emotional but beneficial for a few nights on FaceTime. He promised not to have any contact with AP. Meanwhile, I started therapy to work on my issues, and he was still trying to make an appointment. I asked him if he and AP have communicated with each other, and he admitted she messaged him first and he messaged her back. I asked if he thought that was okay, to which he replied, “No, I know that’s not okay.” So I tell him I can’t continue to work on this if he can’t cut contact with her because that was disrespecting me. He agreed and said maybe we should move on. I contacted my lawyer and got the papers to fill out. Husband called me the next morning and asked me to give him more time if I can. That he thought it would be easy to let me go and try things out with her. That he missed us and couldn’t see his life without me in it. So again, I put off filing. He found a marriage helping website that he wanted to share with me. We each read articles and listened to podcasts and shared certain ones with each other to discuss.
We have talked a lot and have both been vulnerable and emotional to each other. He’s been diagnosed with depression and has been on antidepressants for a few weeks now (Zoloft for the first couple of weeks but it was giving him bad headaches daily so switched to Prozac), which he says is helping him clear his mind and level out his mixed up emotions. Says he has a lot of issues within himself to work through. A lot of his problems stem from childhood. Divorce, lying, addictions, keeping emotions inside are all prevalent in his family. He’s never really had any good, strong relationship/marriage role models. He’s also started therapy, which is helping tremendously.
He took me and our son to dinner, and we both admitted how good it felt to spend time like that again. Even complimented me on how pretty I looked, as I had put on makeup for the first time in a long time. But then the next day he says even though he really enjoyed our dinner together, he’s struggling with the “long term stuff” and working out how he feels and how to handle what he’s feeling. He says he’s worried things aren’t going to change, but he didn’t go into detail about what “things” he’s referring to. He says it’s more complex than what I think. That he’s having a hard time getting it out and processing it. He still maintains that he has had no contact with her since that slip-up. I’m working on rebuilding trust in him. He has said no question he’s always wanted us to be a family together and raise our son together “like it should be”, but now he’s still hot and cold.
I have a tremendous support system even if I’ve only told a few close, trustworthy friends. He has told very few people because he feels like they’ll judge him and bash him since he was the one that stepped out. Meanwhile, I’ve reconnected with old friends, had a couple of fun girls nights, joined a mom group, and gotten back into making time to read books. But in the back of my mind, I’m still consumed by this situation. I can’t cut off contact with him because of our son, and I’ve tried to not contact him as much, but he still texts me “good morning” every single morning and “good night” every single night and talks to me throughout the day. I rarely initiate conversation nowadays, it’s mostly him.
My question is, should I hang in there? I know it’s only been a little over a month. When will I know to give up? We have had too much good for me to just call it quits this early. My heart and gut say to not give up yet. I know we both need lots of time. He’s at rock bottom. This won’t be an easy process. My mind is confused now too. We tell each other how much we appreciate the effort the other one is making and how proud we are of each other. He says he’s noticed, appreciates, and is proud of all the changes I’ve made to start bettering myself. I say the same to him. I’ve also made clear to him I will support him as he continues treatment. Could all of his uncertainty, flip flopping, hesitancy, and mixed feelings be due to the depression?
I’ve been reading the articles, and they’ve been helping some!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi JLed, I commend you for starting the divorce process after your husband's affair. That showed him you're serious and forced him to confront what he was about to lose. It seems however a lot of times these guys will try to have both for a while (their marriage and their affair partner) so they can choose. Hopefully your husband cut things off with the other woman and he's making good long term progress. It sounds like you're doing the right thing. Everything changes when you have a baby and for some couples it doesn't go well. I definitely think you should hang in there. It's only been a month, which is nothing, and you still have a young child to which you're both adjusting. It seems the best you can do is follow the DB book, be the best person you can be, and work hard to create real change to overcome your weak points. I wish I'd done that after my husband's first affair. You have more hope than many of us!
Wow, reading your story is almost like reading mine! So many similarities, except you seem MUCH stronger, and right off the bat at that! Its amazing you filed and showed him you're not playing games. I have never been able to put my foot down like that.
A little background, we are the same age as you guys (im 31, H is 30), just had our first baby. He told me he loved me but wasnt in love with me when I was 5 months pregnant, Found out 3 months later that he was having an affair while away for work during the weeks, a bartender at a bar him and his coworkers went to all the time. When I found out he immediately quit his job and promised to focus on us and only us. Since then We have been back and forth, working on us, not working on us, separating, trying to live together again, its been a rollercoaster to say the least. He would feel remorse, want to be around us more, and then pull away and say he was afraid nothing would change.
Everytime I would allow him to live with us again, my anxiety was through the roof. He was not in a place where he was willing to be completely transparent with me and rebuild my trust. He wanted me to be patient and trust him, and thats not really how it works after being cheated on. I tried though I really did, but nerves would take over and we would argue.
I was truly losing myself on this rollercoaster ride. I felt like I had no control on anything and my heart was being stomped on OVER and over. I started fully DBing about 3 weeks ago. With the advice from some amazing people on here I was able to tell my H either show me your phone and prove you are not speaking to OW or you cannot live here. He was not willing to show me and immediately had to leave the house. That was 2 weeks ago. Since then he has cycled through anger, sadness, remorse, telling me hes sorry how he handled everything etc. I have recently found out there is now a new OW, another bartender in our town, I called him out on it, he denies of course, but is now just absolutely livid with me, wants a divorce, etc.
What I am getting at here is he is all over the map. He sounds SO much like your H. He wants his cake and to eat it to, and the minute I take away his cake (ie: living in the home with the baby and I) he lashes out. He doesnt want to feel like it is his fault his marriage is falling apart. He rewrote history from the get go. Immediately he said "You dont appreciate me. You dont show me you need me." etc etc. At first I begged, promised to change. And I really worked hard to change everything about myself that he said he didnt like. And now we are in a place where Its been a year and I have REALLY changed all those things, and he notices and hes so upset. he says he cant believe it took him being half way out the door to make changes and now it hurts his feelings and he wishes he had handled everything different. (but clearly not enough or he would be trying to make us work)
I dont mean to hijack your thread! I just cant believe the similarities. Im sure you never expected that your H could do this. Im sure your world is turned upside down, youre spinning, you dont even know which way is up. I felt/feel COMPLETELY lost and I will say that this site has been my ONLY saving grace. I have a great support system, but its easy for your support system to be clouded with anger and emotion and to suggest wrong moves for you to make. I figured that out pretty quick so I started to keep more to myself. These people on here know what theyre doing. The things they tell you to do will sometimes feel impossible. Trust me, I am working everyday to try to be strong enough to fully DB. Its a work in progress. I suggest getting Divorce Remedy, its very action based and I am reading it now and find it SO helpful.
I am thinking of you so much! This is not easy, your husband is in a fog right now. He is confused. He wants to be with you, but then when he gets to be he starts to pull away. IDENTICAL to my H. They dont know what they want. They KNOW they should want their family and are afraid to lose it because part of them knows theyre going through something. I never thought it would be possible for this process to take this long. I thought for sure a few months would maybe pass and we would back on track. I was VERY wrong. I am trying to learn patience, as its one of the most important things in this. Unfortunately, my h is choosing to be extremely mad at me right now for not allowing him to live at home and for the changes ive made, and he is threatening Divorce again, and wants to discuss it next week. I am terrified of course because I do not want that and i want more time to DB, but I am trying to keep hope. You should have much hope, but stay strong! Remember who you are. Remember who he fell in love with. Know your power, know you will be ok without him and act as if you know that even if right now you feel you are crumbling.
