I am struggling a bit these days... still no progress, I know that patience is the key and I am not giving up yet... yesterday we went for a long walk together in the countryside with the dog, we also did that on Saturday- both things he suggested and I agreed. We had a lovely time but on the way back in the car he started to talk again about how depressed he is and how upset he is about the past. I didn't validate but I told him that he is sulking about some old stuff and it takes two to be in the relationship. He got defensive.. so overall it wasn't a god conversation and I am trying my best not to kick myself for that but learn from it and move on.
I do wonder if I need this R like it is now... and sometimes I do wonder if it is better to be on my own and be with someone who wants and desires me not sulks all the time. I am torn apart with these thoughts and really don't know what to do now. I dont want to do something I later might regret and some part of me still believes that it will be fine.... but my goodness... why does it need to be so hard.
Last edited by MrsJLS; 08/28/1806:23 AM.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
I have read here that this process is like one step backwards and two forward, and sometimes it feels like two steps back and one forward. I know there needs to be more detaching from him and on refocusing on other things/areas in my life. Some days are better than others however I do feel more in control of my own emotions than a bit more than a month ago when I started this thread. I haven't cried, I have been avoiding R talk, I have been more positive. I also know that I should put zero pursuing (no cinema trips anymore) and get out of the house more. I am going out on Friday with my single girlfriends! I wonder what else I can do to make myself feel better..
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
JLS, I usually say 1 step forward 1 step back, or 1 step forward and 2 steps back. Especially with each "slip" we make. Your first post above is why we say just listen and validate. Once you get in a tit-for-tat they will start to get defensive, start justifying. The worst part about that is it reminds them of why they want out of the R to begin with. Your goal should be to make them forget that. When they talk about the R, listen and validate. That 180 right there will make them go "Hmmmm, something is different." I know it is hard, because when they start talking about things that happened in the past YOU get defensive. But remember, each time you have a chance to react it you need to take a breath, think about what you are about to say, and ask "is this going to help me or hurt me in goals".
But yes do not beat yourself up. The key takeaway from it is to be prepared for R talks at all time with ready to LISTEN and VALIDATE. Have validation statements at the ready. One of my favorites is "You know, I never thought about it that way before, thanks for that perspective." Notice, validation statements are not agreeing or disagreeing with what they are saying, but merely showing them you empathize. The beauty of this is that there is no back-and-forth, he said, she said. Just a "I understand how you feel." And then move on. They feel like they were heard and you've done no damage to the R.
Hang in there, keep GAL and 180ing. And detach.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve85 - thank you so much for your kind words. I am literally hanging on there. I have been looking for some inspiration outside this website and found some youtube clips by Brian Nox- it applies more to the dating world but can be used for the marriage too. The biggest takeaway for me was this- "the person who needs less intimacy is the one who controls the relationship". He talks in a very straightforward language and says that if the other person ignores us, it simply means- they don't care for us. So therefore we don't need to go or do anything to make them need me more. Instead the best thing is spend time with people who appreciate me more than they do. So far I let my H control the relationship so I have to detach, disconnect from needing him, make him to be on his own and create sufficient space between us... so I don't need the validation from him to be my own person. Once this mindset will sink in, I believe that I will be on the right path for my own good.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
That is very true. I've always heard it put "the one that loves least controls the relationship" but is is a similar concept.
And you are on the right track! I love seeing someone switch from "I am DBing to get my S back" to "I am DBing to get myself back!" Your last paragraph shows you are headed there. Well done.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well, that didn't take long. I am noticing some changes already... Yesterday I had a celebration (not a birthday) and he gave me a card- on the envelope was written- Mrs..., and in the card- My Wife... signed- All Love xxx .... He also took me out to a concert and gave me flowers, kiss etc. Funny things happen when you least expect it. Now I dont want to give my love and attention at all despite this stuff he did yesterday... but I am nice and friendly, and busy.
These are some quotes I found from the guy I mentioned yesterday, it might help some other 'LBW' out there. Maybe some of these apply to the guys as well.: "When a woman turns her entire life around her guy, it gives him some form of claustrophobia." "He should always be the one chasing you and showing his interest in you, not the other way around." "Always be prepared to walk away when the relationship is not giving you what you want or deserve. That said, try to have realistic expectations." "And this is not just linked to men. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to stay with a guy who continuously needs to be reassured that you still love him, like him, are fond of him, etc." "You simply ignore him. You become less available, take longer to return his phone calls, have more important things to do than be available all the time. (You never should be available all the time anyway.)" "Men will always treat you the way you allow them to. They cannot respect a woman more than she respects herself."
And probably the most important: "Don’t request or expect something from him that he doesn’t want to give you on his own."
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
Nothing to record as such... I have calmed down a great deal and really GAL so being very busy. No big changes in M but I am feeling very good about myself and my life.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
Nothing to record as such... I have calmed down a great deal and really GAL so being very busy. No big changes in M but I am feeling very good about myself and my life.
You are well on your way! Well done.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
