First off - I appreciate anyone's input on this. Thank you so much.
On March 31, 2018, my wife and I had a big argument over my behavior when we were out with other friends. I have a history of withdrawing from my wife (in private but also in public) when there is something not right in our couple. This is something that I know I must completely change, and that such incidents cannot happen again. These incidents embarrass her. We have also had many other arguments in the last year over both getting our needs met.
We have two children aged 7 and 10. We are both very committed family people - parenting is huge on our priority list and one of the reasons we married. We have been together for 15 years.
Here is what has been said by my wife in the last three weeks:
- I do not love you anymore - I want you to leave - I lost my trust for you - She is done with me - She gets bad feelings just thinking she has vacation planed with me this summer - You're too late for change - She no longer touches me - She avoids me quite a bit - She criticizes me alot
However, in the past three weeks, there have been ups and downs. We went out on a date and had alot of fun and talked like crazy at the restaurant. She said she just needs time, but really likes the new me since we argued.
She has said she does not believe in divorce because of the kids. Also, that she could not imagine announcing it to them and losing them half of the time.
Here are some behaviors on her part that confuse me:
- She says I should sleep in her bed, I slept elsewhere long enough over the years; - She jokes and talks to me, showing me funny videos, etc. - She initiates texts on small issues almost every day; - She wants us to continue going out with other couples, we have dates booked every one of the next 3 weekends; - She said do not say anything to anyone, our friends and family we keep out of this; - She said I just need time, please listen to me I just need time and to rest my head and think; - She still wants dates every week or two; - We still do everything with the kids; - I offered to go live separately for a while, she said no because that would probably be the end; - She is very active with me in parenting, together; - She says thanks, I'm sorry, for various reasons; - She lets me hug her, and has come up to kiss me twice on the lips before leaving for work; - She told me leave, find a girlfriend to make you happy then maybe we'll still be here for you after. I do not want this at all; - She wears her wedding ring; - She will no longer come to marriage counseling, I go alone since 3 weeks; - She still plans for this summer. She bought property to put on my parent's land for camping, and she booked camping sites (I pull the big 5th wheel with my truck); - She waits for me to sit to eat breakfast together; - She still gets mad if I try to bring up a conversation on our relationship; - She says there is still a small hope; - She criticizes her family when talking to me still; - I'm the first one she texts to give out good news (an award at work); - She looks me more and more in the eyes, and we have 5-10 min conversations now about various subjects including TV series, etc.;
I am committed to bringing big changes to my attitude and behavior. In fact, it's fully in me already. I made big mistakes, repeatedly. I want to love her unconditionally. I have been giving her alot of space/time, and only greeting her in and out, and listening if she comes to me. Also, I do not call or text at all unless she does so first... I want her to feel free and take our time.
One fear that I have is that the good signs are to get us two months further so the kids are out of school when she drops it on me. I don't know what to think.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hello and welcome! Have you read DR? If not please do so right away. Also make yourself very familiar with Sandi's Rules in Cadet's links.
Originally Posted By: Elendur
This is something that I know I must completely change, and that such incidents cannot happen again. These incidents embarrass her. We have also had many other arguments in the last year over both getting our needs met.
OK well first of all you need to table your own needs now that she's BD'd you. Back off and give her time and space. REMOVE ALL PRESSURE. No pursuing. No R talks. No dates. No MC. Leave her be and work on you.
Quote:
- I do not love you anymore - I want you to leave - I lost my trust for you - She is done with me - She gets bad feelings just thinking she has vacation planed with me this summer - You're too late for change - She no longer touches me - She avoids me quite a bit - She criticizes me alot
All very typical WAS stuff. DO NOT LEAVE. That is HER choice, if SHE wants to leave then don't stand in her way, but be very clear with her that YOU are not going anywhere.
Quote:
However, in the past three weeks, there have been ups and downs. We went out on a date and had alot of fun and talked like crazy at the restaurant. She said she just needs time, but really likes the new me since we argued.
Good! Whatever you're doing, keep doing that.
Quote:
- She says I should sleep in her bed, I slept elsewhere long enough over the years;
Then do it, you never should have left the bed in the MBR.
Quote:
- She jokes and talks to me, showing me funny videos, etc. - She initiates texts on small issues almost every day; - She wants us to continue going out with other couples, we have dates booked every one of the next 3 weekends; - She said do not say anything to anyone, our friends and family we keep out of this; - She said I just need time, please listen to me I just need time and to rest my head and think;
If that's what she wants then roll with it. Just don't have any expectations, she is still "done" and it's going to take her a long time to change her mind on that.
Quote:
- She still wants dates every week or two;
Normally we advise against this, but based on all your comments I'm not sure she's both feet out the door just yet, maybe only one foot out the door. So if she wants to go out on dates then go ahead. Just don't ruin it with relationship talk, remember to keep all pressure off of her.
Quote:
- I offered to go live separately for a while, she said no because that would probably be the end;
Stay put.
Quote:
- She will no longer come to marriage counseling, I go alone since 3 weeks;
That's fine, do not pressure her to go. You might consider a DB coach instead of a traditional MC because DB coaches are very skilled in helping when only ONE person wants to work on the M. MC are typically more along the lines of divorce facilitators.
Quote:
I am committed to bringing big changes to my attitude and behavior. In fact, it's fully in me already. I made big mistakes, repeatedly.
Good. Now can you highlight what mistakes you made and what you have done to change them?
Quote:
I have been giving her alot of space/time, and only greeting her in and out, and listening if she comes to me. Also, I do not call or text at all unless she does so first... I want her to feel free and take our time.
Perfect. Sounds like you're practicing solid DB'ing.
Quote:
One fear that I have is that the good signs are to get us two months further so the kids are out of school when she drops it on me. I don't know what to think.
Could be, but it doesn't matter one way or the other because this is a marathon, not a sprint. And you've just started running, the finish line is so far away you can't see it. Like I said above, she is still "done" and it's going to take a long time to turn her around. The good news is you have plenty of time, so just relax and settle in. You're doing fine, now you just need to show her the "new" you for months so she starts to believe the changes are real.
