Time to introduce myself

[Exod14]

Amoafwl, hi. I want to respond fairly, so I needed to make sure I understood your perspective. I'm not sure what underlying issues you might be alluding to, sincerely. Anything, even hypothetically, I haven't considered I want to give due diligence. That said, I can't guarantee I'll agree, and that's just to be upfront, but I would certainly give it thought without disregarding that input.

I'm probably taking liberties here, but if I take you to mean the I absolve myself of the issues in our marriage because I wasn't a "great husband, friend and partner" DURING the time I was sick and on medication, then yes, I do. If you take it to mean I was that BEFORE all of that, then my OP wasn't touching on us before (which is where I may be taking liberties of assumption, admittedly).

People IRL have also had difficulty initially accepting that medications can 180 a person's personality until I've shown them other cases like mine. I've heard similar advice, because the prevalent idea has seemed to be that my medications merely exacerbated existing issues rather than created them. Having had this conversation far too often, I hope it's at least understandable that I'd like to put that to rest as quickly as possible to feel like I should be here.

[MoveFrwd]

So, let's assume you are a perfect man before the medication started. And that everything that your W is upset about is 100% caused by the medication.

What would you like our help with?

[joejoe1]

Exod,

A lot of people come here looking for the magic statement to save their M. They also coming looking for people to help them change their S mind. In the process of helping them changed their S mind they feel as thou the people here will bash their S and tell them that it's all their S fault. Well it's never all on one person when it comes to a downfall of a M. No matter the percentage between the two for the downfall, until you own and fix your side of the street the M will never have a chance to start to heal.

You can blame meds for the past, or you can accept that when you were on those meds, it took a huge toll on your W. Validate her feelings during that time and take responsibility that you caused pain during that time on meds or not.

Also, trying to fight a person over decisions of your S, is a weak stance. A confident person stands strong and proves that they are the better person, by becoming a person only a fool would leave. Becoming that person is a shift in mentality, emotions and acceptance.

Onward and Forward.

[MoveFrwd]

People here will bash their S and tell them that it's all their S fault.

This is kind of what Im getting at.

We can say how awful your W is or how unfair her choices are/were or sympathize with out about the loss of control that you had with the medications.

But I dont think that gives you any actionable advice. Theres nothing you can do with that.

In my opinion, in order to have a chance at saving the M, YOU have to change first. What my posts were intending to do was to help you identify ways in which you could change for the better. Given that you have kids from a previous relationship and not knowing the details of that, you have two failed relationships under your belt. My goal is help you to make it so that the next one, be it with W or not, sticks.

[sandi2]

Hi Exod, I'm glad you found your way to the board. FWIW, I have had Fibromyalgia for many years. It can be bad company, for sure! I was jerked around on so many meds, it was awful. The most difficult part for me has been the acceptance. But I have learned to work with it, and around it, and not to give up living. Surrounding yourself (as best that you can) with caring/understanding people, will go a long way in your mental/emotional health.

I'm glad you have worked so diligently in a makeover in your looks, b/c that goes a long way in how you feel overall about your life. Also, getting a job you love and having goals for the future is better than some AD medicine.

I want the door to R, with boundaries, to remain open in my heart, but I can feel it closing against my will. And as it closes, resentment is settling in. I keep praying God will keep my heart from hardening, and I resist it. I began lurking here when that first started, looking for those who found their way back to their WS, not for false hope, but so that I could meditate on hope.

Well, once people reconcile their M, they usually move on from the board. So, not too many here that fit that description, however, there are a few vets that have stayed so they could pass forward what they learned from their own experiences (whether their M reconciled or they D). So, don't discredit any advice you may receive from someone who had a spouse that divorced them.

I'm not totally clear about what you are seeking, other than you want to maintain a desire to have your M reconciled. I may be completely off base, but I suspect you are experiencing something similar to a new lease on life.....in relation to your improved looks, new lifestyle, and going back to work. Do you feel a tinge of guilt b/c you have discovered you really like this new life?

I have never experienced being the LBS, but from what I've read, there are many emotions one feels throughout the ordeal. I've also seen a commonality among LBH's having the same feelings you've described, and it comes when they detach from their WW and start focusing and improving on their own lives. They feel better about themselves and start believing they will be fine, even if the M doesn't R. And, a lot of LBH's experience some doubt that they would even take back their W, if she wanted to R.

So again, I am wondering if you are experiencing a little guilt for not currently feeling more distressed over the M splitting up. Maybe you could narrow down how the board can be of help to you.

Hope you will continue posting.

[sandi2]

Still around?