My idea to separate has been an epic fail

[NicoleR]

Caz,

It seems as simple as there's no one else to fill the void at the moment. Your husband had a special place and role in your life for over two decades. Even with his imperfections he was a source of stability and you two raised three kids together. It's not easy to detach from that. Can you expedite a vacation for yourself to any place? A change of scenery might be a good way to cope right now. I live in the Sunshine State (at least for the next few months). If you happen to come here I could show you around. I had a massage today with a lady from the UK by the way!

[Caz49]

Hi Nicole,

Sorry I've not replied in a while...I've been up and down, feeling low and trying hard to put it away for the children's sake. They've noticed I'm low...we spent hours yesterday playing board games and having so much fun.

I'm fighting off depression, I really don't want to go down that road and I know I can beat this if I can drag myself up from this latest bout of insecurity and sadness. It's a mindset, and I need to reach some inner happiness.

I don't understand my H, I probably never will as he refuses to let emotion get the better of him. I think that's a sad state for anyone to live by. But that is his cross to bear. I don't want him upset and feeling the way I do...but nothing seems to penetrate him and his emotions. Not even our children.

He spent one day with them over Christmas...yes they had a great day, but wow...I'm shocked he returned to work the day after Christmas (we call it Boxing Day) and won't return to see them until next Thursday. I know he's busy but that never happened in the past. He aways took a week to two weeks off work at Christmas. Maybe he is more affected by this than I credit him for...or he's now finally free to work and sleep with whomever he chooses.

Truth be told...I will never know.

I would love to take a holiday break, but its just not on the cards for me at the moment. I will have to save my money. But I will keep your offer in mind, thank you so much.

I hope you're well and had a lovely time with your daughter.

[Caz49]

Not heard from H for a week.

He's back in the country on Thursday and even now I feel the anxiety building. My anxiety comes from the years of being ignored and this situation just highlights that.

I see my IC tomorrow to work on things I can be doing for me, for GAL etc. We aren't going to be focusing on him any longer...unless I need that.

[bhappy2]

Go make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and an ice cold glass of milk. Find a tv show you like sit back and enjoy. Tomorrow is a new day.

You are the prize. His loss...

[Caz49]

Haha, thanks Bhappy!

Yes, I think today will be one more day off then back to the routine of life. I might make mine a strong cup of tea and cheese on toast though...

I just need to find my mojo...

[NicoleR]

Caz,

I think the holidays are depressing for a lot of us. Maybe your husband returned quickly to spend time with the woman he's dating....who knows.

I saw a functional medicine practitioner today who knows about my husband and she believes my husband feels guilt. I don't think he does, but she said his hostility is a sign of guilt. Perhaps your husband avoiding you is a way of avoiding dealing with his guilt as well.

It's easy to be depressed when you reach the point where you give up on saving the marriage. Up until this point there's always some hope or something else you can try. Once you believe in your heart that the marriage is done it's like grieving someone who died. It's so hard.

I'm depressed and one of my friends who has been especially caring started sending me messages non-stop about positivity. We do need to be positive and for myself I do believe in a year I'll likely be in a better place than now, but right now the pain runs too deep to just think happy thoughts and the problem is fixed. I'm sure you feel that way too. It's good your kids are supporting you. Do they know everything that's going on?

I hope now that the holidays are over and everyone is back to their normal routine it'll be easier to function.

It's easy to feel isolated in times like these. There must be a separated and divorced support group in your area somewhere. I keep trying to find an active one in my city but haven't found one yet. I don't even know how I'll make it to one with my daughter to care for but I'd like to find one.

I hope this part of your life passes quickly. Perhaps you'll meet a new man someday and will want to perfect yourself as much as possible in the meantime to be ready for a happy new relationship where you're treated like a queen with lots of love and affection!

[Caz49]

Hi Nicole, nice to hear from you. I hope you're okay?

My H doesn't show if he feels guilt or not. He does have some give-aways but if he feels guilt now I'll never see it. I do think him not being able to talk to me or be alone with me has more to do with him than me. I'm not a hard or cold person to deal with, so if he can't be around me, then thats on him.

I'm flat, numb and then I'll have moments of crying. But it's not all encompassing like it was in the past. I just feel low. I have really good times and have fun. But it's always there in the back of my mind.

Yes my children know everything and as far as they're concerned we are separated and if he wishes to date he can. It hurts that they don't see us getting back together, but I'm also thankful that they aren't unhappy or in pain about the way things have gone. They know I have moments of pain and sorrow, but our house isn't a sad place...we have lots of fun here.

I agree with you on the pain being too deep to shrug it off. My MIL sent me a Happy New Year text and said 'we must put what happened behind us'! I said I appreciate what's she's saying but no...I'm not ready to put his treatment of me behind me yet...the hurt is too raw right now. I see where he gets his not dwelling on emotional pain from. I don't want to feel resentment, but it's hard not to when a man I've known for 30 years has pretty much abandoned us, abandoned this wreck of a house and everything else.

But you're right, I'm grieving a marriage that wasn't good and I know I did so much and tried hard to fix it. I suggested a marriage retreat, dating again, endless pleas for better communication but he just wasn't 'getting it'.
He was too busy being busy...but I guess not too busy to date or find someone else.

At the end of the day, my H wanted to live life the way he wanted to live it and expected me to follow without having my needs met. And when I 'complained' he saw that as a good enough reason to find someone else. It hurts...a lot. But it also makes me feel stronger in a way. Because I fought for us...he didn't. I learnt from our mistakes and once again he's repeating the same old pattern. That's not to say I did everything right...there's so much I could have done differently, but I tried.

It's lovely you have a good friend to send you messages of support and positive vibes. I kind of do that myself, whenever I feel low, I think of the good things I have in my life.

Sometimes I think of him and I really don't know why I want him to return. I think a lot of it is, I really need him to apologise and to accept his part in the break down of our marriage. If he ever does it will be begrudging and defensive. And he'll call on that old chestnut...'we grew apart'...we didn't, he allowed this to happen and although I will take part of the blame, I won't accept the 'we grew apart' platitude he'll dish out to take the sting out of his actions.

Life stinks right now, but it's not all bad. I'm getting counselling, something I should've done many years ago, I have wonderful children, a roof over my head, and bills paid. I'm looking into opening retail space and going into business with my son which although scary, is very exciting. It was something I put off for many years because I didn't want it overlapping on any free time I could get with my H, but that was a mistake...

[Caz49]

H made plans to take my children out today...only he didn't contact my eldest, whose available. My son is hurt, he says he's not but he is as he projecting onto me.

My H probably thought the other two would give him the details but he's yet to learn after 23 years of raising (I use that term with irony) children, that they don't like to be overlooked, ignored, lumped together etc.

He also does this repeatedly with my eldest. They have a tenuous relationship at best...you'd think my H would try to nurture it. But I know firsthand, when the going gets tough, this coward ducks, dives, avoids and ignores.

I'm not getting involved, but it hurts to see my son hurting.

[NicoleR]

Caz, my tolerance is very low right now for children being hurt by their parents. I'm so sorry to hear about your eldest. I guess you and your eldest need to lean on each other. I wish someday your husband would repent for his actions.

[Caz49]

Hi Nicole,

I hope you're feeling stronger today. It's been a traumatic few hours for you and I'm so sorry. I'm here for you x

Well, my H entered my house via the the back door, went to the bathroom then came into the lounge and kissed me on the head and wished me 'A happy New Year' He then left with my son to watch a football match.

Errr, what?

Confused but not reading too much into this. I just wish my house was tidier and I looked a million dollars lol...urgh, I don't care really...I am who I am...