1) so h lives with Schmoopie. Same address and she has her kid(s?) so he has replaced me and our kids.
Like, semi officially I guess. It hurts. S31 says it "shouldn't hurt" but I corrected him on that and said "IT DOES HURT and I don't want to hear another comment about what I 'should'/should not' feel. I'm allowed to feel how I feel."
2) Worse...my fav bro, (the lawyer to whom h reached out), has cancer.
His Kidney is getting removed next week and they're exploring to see if the other kidney also needs removal or if it has spread elsewhere.
My Bro is the anchor for me. For all of us really. Yes he Always was my fav and - so what?
I just cannot imagine our family without him. He's my S31's Godfather, and for good reason.
He has 7 daughters, age 10 to 29. My SIL (his w) adores bro and she's a woman of substance, thank God. She will NOT bolt away.
Bro takes great care of himself too...so I'm pretty sure it bugs him a lot at some level. He was an AF pilot so maybe fumes or fuels got to him?? See? The search for the "why" is endless, isn't it?
And nope, life is not fair for sure.
His attitude, (which sets the tone) is funny and stoic.
He told his girls "hey so far it's just an extra organ I didn't need anyhow, and if there's more trouble to it, if I need a transplant - I have lots of siblings wasting their extras...and besides, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it."
he also said Meanwhile, I DO expect a 'surprise' birthday party with way better gifts than last time..."
God, the thing that makes bro a "great man" is not that he wants to be seen as one.
It's that he wants to BE one just for the sake of being his best. Not sure if that makes sense but, he's a great man.
In closing, I'm hoping for prayers for my heart
but mostly for my brothers "other kidney" and the surgeries to come.
What a week.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Lovely 25, prayers and thoughts to the universe for your heart and the "great man" your darling, brother, husband and father. Much love and light through this time. JellyBxxx
This hurts my heart, for you, for the great man who happens to be your brother, for the unfairness of it all.
The world needs more people of substance, like your B & SIL.
These words have given me new inspiration today- to actually BE a better person, just because.
Not to appear to be one.
I'm on my way to church. Today is a special service for those we have lost in the past year. We have the opportunity to light a candle for any that we feel led to- so I'll be lighting one for you today, 25, for what you have lost this last year, but more importantly, as a prayer for all the great things to come to you in the year ahead.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
So sorry about your brother. I hope that the cancer can be contained and removed. I lived through my father's death from cancer many years ago. I still carry him with me everywhere I go and talk to him when times get tough.
I know you don't want to hear this now, but you have not been replaced. You cannot be replaced. Living with this woman will simply cause the glasses to come off sooner and for him to really see her. I don't think it will matter for you as a couple, because I don't think that is what you want, but it may bring you some peace about the reality of the last three decades.
How on earth could your WH replace you and your children? No way. He has placed a cardboard cutout in place a stunningly wonderful and witty woman. You should know that narcissist care about presentation, how they "appear" more than how they really are. So he wants to play the part but not put in the work. soon enough the shine will wear off and they will see the ugly truth.
As far as your brother goes, what an amazing man. How blessed you are to have someone this awesome in your life, how doubly blessed you share his blood. The Chinese have a belief that there is a red thread that connects people who love each other. The thread may stretch, tangle and get worn but it will never break. Ever. I wish I had deeper words but I have never been good at finding them at the right time. He sounds like a warrior.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
thank you all for your support; it means more than you know.
OKAY my brother - I visited him and we will hope for the best. He is a GOOD man. Fought to get his kids AND not care about CS. Like he'd pay even if he got them all the time.
He threw himself into parenting the way he threw himself into being an AF pilot and then when he got injured flying, he became a very good lawyer. He's a second dad, btw. Raised his 3 step d's, btw. He's a guy who "steps up to the plate" in every way.
AND he is an involved interested DAD...and a loving romantic FUNNY, Husband. F- cancer. I know He will make it. I just know this - but yeah, it's a wake up call for sure. Why are we waiting to hope someone who mistreated us to come back???
Carpe Diem, my friends, Carpe Diem!
On the OW and my h living together (for months, apparently) it makes me think he wants to settle with me so he can marry her. AND OR earn more $$ openly. Which is sleazy but leverage.
Objectiviely he's an idiot, but the rumors that men need women faster than the can possibly learn a thing from their first m, is just proved like this.
H is a walking talking posting cliche. And he Learned nothing from his mistakes. I think that is literally true. Makes the SAME exact errors. Fool.
I can (and damn it, I AM a woman only a fool would leave. And he's a fool. This OW is, I'm told, not much. She's not smart, she's sure as heck not funny (not like ME) and supposedly "they have nothing in common. Not a match made in heaven".
For THAT^^ he blew up our family??? Whatever.....NOT MY PROBLEM and btw, I say "thanks h, you did me a favor.
Yeah my EGO hurts but I have to believe it will not work out with "utter happiness after ever."
Yes I feel replaced but I know OW will never have our history or our children or our laughs or my smarts. Heard "he's up into her ass" and I don't even want to know what that means, but I was not a low sex drive woman. Oh the irony.
I'm not sure what that^^ means except their chemistry. We once had that too, and I still felt it for him (usually. NOT always). are He burped and he scratched his genitals (DOODLER< please no jokes Doodler) Thanks.
MY kids?? HOW?? Anyone with input on this, I'm open. What do I say when they tell me they have been replaced?? WHICH BRINGS ME TO DATING. UPDATE
Had an interesting talk with M tonight. (He knows about my brother w/cancer. M was helpful and kind.
As you know there are rules to dating in DC group AND M has to sell his home out of state. So he travels a lot.
But I am drawn to him and after a long hinting talk, I just asked him if he was ready to date. He is not - says it's the rules. THEN said he's interested however. AND said he would be by Jan 1.
So here is our plan, b/c we DO want to get to know each other.
FACTS:
1) We are both leaving LONG marriages.
2) And we want to keep our word to the group not to date, while group meets. (That's a rule or a lot of reasons)
So we thought we'd take a class together (dance lessons - ball room dancing) after DC group ends, about Jan 1.
Dance class is several weeks long and we will learn together. We will see how each one learns and teaches, how we will work together, how we will feel each other out. It requires a "date" a week, dinner after maybe.
After the (10 weeks?) is over we can choose where we want to go from there. Maybe we will just be better dancers and say good bye.
or maybe we will meet each other's families, and have a lot of chemistry to boot.
Maybe it'll be a strong relationship founded on a carefully built foundation.
My guess? It'll be a well founded r with a bubbling chemistry that develops over time and now and then, maybe before the dance classes end, it will spill over.
To me, this ^^ might be the best scenario I could have imagined.
At least IF/when my family meets him (IF) it'll be a "man I'm seeing" and not some guy they're seeing in a string of them.
Know what I mean? Are we being too careful? I would rather take it slow and build to a slow burning fire, than rush it and burn out, or end badly. I also love the learning together aspects.
We are both interested in getting to know each other, which we said out loud.
Neither of us is healed, but I believe that sometimes healing takes energy and activity IN OUR LIVES - to pushes out the other empty feelings. I'm not sure healing takes place while we sit in our living rooms.
And we want to keep our word to the Div Care group. (avoids group awkwardness among other things).
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
But you don't need us to validate it for you. You are a smart, self-aware woman who wants to be careful of her own and other people's hearts. You can make these decisions.
We do the best we can with what we know at any given time. It won't be easy. But just make sure you always make it fun.
WRT the doctor... He didn't blow up your family for HER. He blew it up for himself, his lack of imagination, his selfishness, his inability to be content and to ascribe his discontent to his own shortcomings. He did it because he's not self-aware. She's just where his eye (ahem) happened to fall when the s%^& hit the fan. It's not personal. It's not about her the same as it's not about you.
For me, that was the hardest pill to swallow of a big pile of bitter pills. She's incidental. She's the face for the state of mind that caused him to fail.
I hope your brother is OK. Hugs, 25. Keep up the good work.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
btw, I started a new thread. Don't know how to link them yet
but loved and appreciated your comment. I'll read that again!!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
