I have a new issue. Recently, X showed up at the house, with a very short announcement that she was coming. She was bringing a birthday present for my daughter. She did not get out of the car, but her son came inside to play with the dog and visit. I gave him a hug, said i love you and off they go. After they left, I sent her a text saying please give us some space. Last week, she sends me an online invitation to her son's birthday party. I declined the invitation, and left a message saying, "thank you but we have prior obligations and will not be able to make it".
Today, she sent me a text saying she was coming to the house again
Her: we are helping D get her scooter and skateboard home from school. Also S gave her an invitation to his party. Sorry
Me: that's not necessary. We are picking it up later today. Thank for the offer tho
Her: we are already half way there. She asked for our help
At this point my anxiety soars, and I wait for them to arrive. My D and her S come through the door, while X stands out by the street. Her son play with the dog for a bit and then I shuffle him out the door to his waiting mom. I text her afterwards
Me: D appreciated you bringing her scooter home. She says she misses you both, and thank you.
Her: no problem! We miss her too. Hopefully they can see each other more often, when our parenting schedules change. (Her ex husband and I are friendly and he will have S, while I have D. It's a long story, not worth going in to)
Me: D is now crying. I don't appreciate it. You've hurt us enough
Her: you are the one not letting her see us. You won't allow it
Her: from now on I will say, "no your dad doesn't want us to see you"
I did not reply after that, and I'm not sure how to handle it. On one hand I feel like replying, but on the other I feel like maybe I should just let it be. I would love some suggestions....thanks in advance
Forgiveness is a choice. You can't move forward until you truly forgive. It's really hard to forgive as well. I'm struggling with forgiving at the moment. But I know to free myself it must happens. Forgiveness is not about the person you forgiving but about setting yourself free.
The other person my never apologize or feel remorse. Thats not your problem, in order to get healthy and move forward you have to forgive.
Last edited by Cadet; 11/19/1704:40 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Does anyone have input on whether I should address these texts and ex's lack of boundary? I'm not sure about how to, or if I should, acknowledge it.....thank you
What do you think replying will accomplish? I think all you need to do is explain to your daughter how much you love her, and you wouldn't do anything to hurt her. I would leave that conversation where it stands. IMHO.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
At this point my anxiety soars, and I wait for them to arrive. My D and her S come through the door, while X stands out by the street. Her son play with the dog for a bit and then I shuffle him out the door to his waiting mom. I text her afterwards
OK well it sounds like she is trying to respect your boundary, in that she stays out by the street whenever she comes by. I know it's tough on you but you've got to try and think of the kids too, her S bonded with you and it's not fair to him to just cut him off despite what's going on with his mom and you. Same with your D, I'm sure she misses your XGF. If your feelings are too raw right now then tell XGF you need some time, a month or two months or whatever. Tell her that during that time you don't want her coming over and you want little to no contact so you can recover emotionally, and then after that you can maybe work out some kind of visitation.
Quote:
Me: D is now crying. I don't appreciate it. You've hurt us enough
Why do you think you said that? I think you were trying to hurt XGF with that comment, is that the case? Just be careful, those type of comments will usually hurt you more than anyone else. And they are not at all consistent with DB'ing and Sandi's 37 rules.
Last edited by Cadet; 11/20/1707:55 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
What do you think replying will accomplish? I think all you need to do is explain to your daughter how much you love her, and you wouldn't do anything to hurt her. I would leave that conversation where it stands. IMHO.
I feel that it would give her some clarity. ultimately, I did decide to text her. I simply let her know that I was not trying to keep D-11 away from her, nor was I ghosting S-8. I am just not emotionally ready for it yet, and perhaps we could arrange visitation somewhere down the road, when I am more healed. I wished her well, and ended it by saying "take care"
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
[quote=swoop] At this point my anxiety soars, and I wait for them to arrive. My D and her S come through the door, while X stands out by the street. Her son play with the dog for a bit and then I shuffle him out the door to his waiting mom. I text her afterwards
OK well it sounds like she is trying to respect your boundary, in that she stays out by the street whenever she comes by. I know it's tough on you but you've got to try and think of the kids too, her S bonded with you and it's not fair to him to just cut him off despite what's going on with his mom and you. Same with your D, I'm sure she misses your XGF. If your feelings are too raw right now then tell XGF you need some time, a month or two months or whatever. Tell her that during that time you don't want her coming over and you want little to no contact so you can recover emotionally, and then after that you can maybe work out some kind of visitation.
This is great advice, and exactly what I chose to do. I sent her a text, very simple and to the point. Thus far, she hasn't replied or contacted me in any way, so she probably is trying to respect my boundaries, like you said.
Quote:
Me: D is now crying. I don't appreciate it. You've hurt us enough
Why do you think you said that? I think you were trying to hurt XGF with that comment, is that the case? Just be careful, those type of comments will usually hurt you more than anyone else. And they are not at all consistent with DB'ing and Sandi's 37 rules.
I think you are absolutely right, AS. I didn't realize I was trying to hurt her, but that is what it was. I thought I was trying to let her be aware, that more than just her life is affected by this. It was a jab that I gave her, no doubt.
The last few days have been "good", but trying. My overall mood is improving, but I have been thinkig about X more and more. I keep playing the highlight reels in my head, and trying to make rhyme or reason of why this all happened. I know that everyone has a different perspective, but there were so many positives in our relationship, I cannot seem to see where the disconnect happened. It's all just so confusing to me.
Anyway, one day at a time! I have switched up my IC sessions to once, every two weeks. I am going to do my best to keep my head up, GAL and continue to move forward. Branching out into new pier groups is continuing to be difficult, but I am out there and trying! I might sign up for a puppy training class in January. Who knows, maybe that will be good for both of us, me and the dog
Last edited by Cadet; 11/22/1710:17 AM. Reason: Combine posts
