Giving my wife some of my GI bill costed me nothing.
So what do I tell her when she says she wants to go back to school or get a job? I always tell her she will do great.
Does she really have to "do great"? I'm asking. For some people, especially if they're married to a defined career person (you are in the military with a defined MOS, my h is an MD with a defined MOS) the expectations of greatness are a lot to live up to.
But the expectations of "greatness" from my h were, frankly, a drag. Why? Impossible.
Meaning, - in my experience as a working mom with h as my co-parent, I could only be "great" at one or the other, parenting or career.
I did ALL the childcare while at home, and all the planning for lunches and clothes and activities, while I worked full time. H was working. And if i had to travel for work,
OMG the kids were on their own. (The one year my sister was assigned to our area was so great b/c she'd take my kids when I travelled.I could not have taken that job if not for her).
My point is, H was not a great partner for those years - and in his defense, his career did not allow for that anyhow.
I doubt he's even aware of this ^^^reality or clued in, to how hard it was on the kids or me b/c frankly, he did not see it.
(I recall times he brought the kids to neighbors at midnight b/c he got a call, never thinking he was imposing on them, but it always made me uncomfortable.
He also brought them to the operating room lounge when he was called at 4 am and I was out of town. (I'm sure the nurses loved watching them so he could do surgery).
Point is, h likely sees no problem with this^^^ and many service members just do not know how something like that happens but the inability of the soldier to change schedules or accommodate a spouse's career, hinders the spouse much more than they even know. How could you really know?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm not saying you can fix your w's choices and you sure cannot make the choice for her.
Just make sure she knows the kids will be fine and how You will assist her in making it that way. Maybe when she comes up with a plan - instead of putting the onus on her to live up to expectations of greatness, let her know you will manage the kids and home front while she pursues it. "I've got the kids/home front covered".
Implicit in this^^ is the reality that if she's not married to you, that won't happen. It need NOT be said. Make sense? See, the marriage to you is what frees her to actualize her potential, not a divorce.
Your w may be factoring in a lot of things other than what she likes. That's all I'm saying. As for how long you can do this before throwing in the towel, be more specific.
is the question how long you can work on yourself - or
how long you can deal with the ambiguity -- or
how long you can handle the gut punch feeling?
Suggestions:
Work on detachment and see an IC to get help with all of these^^.
Maybe you can give yourself some time goals. 60 days, 30?
Even though it was for internal reasons (to know there was a light at the end of the limbo tunnel) that helped me manage on a weekly basis, sometimes a daily one.
You need to be able to soothe & distract yourself regardless of what happens, or this will eat you up inside. Just ask yourself what divorcing now, would give you. I'm serious. There are times when a spouse feels a lot of pain and just wants it to stop. ( I get it!)
But filing for divorce does not end the pain. Could it lead to you finding peace down the road? Sure.
So could working on the m, and that has a lot less collateral damage. Have you read the divorce busting or divorce remedy books? Read at least one of them b/c it will reinforce a lot of what we say here and distinguishes the philosophy of MWD from random advice given.
I believe in sincere herculean efforts to stay married, when there are children. Not to save the marriage at all costs. But as you say, you have not worked as hard or half as long as your wife did. The gut punch you feel is real, but to hear some folks talk, it's as if your wife never had her share of them.
Bottom line, Either way, your road is not an easy one by a long shot.
Get an IC, get an activity or something that calms down the racing thoughts and gut punch feelings, and turn your marriage and pain over to God. Don't keep your focus on her. Keep it on you & the kids.
When you do the work you feel is needed to become the man you were meant to become - the best Joejoe possible,
when you know in your heart you have done your very best, making the specific changes you needed & wanted to make
then hold your head high, be at peace, and leave the results up to Him.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
JJ...if you can figure out how to start detaching it will help. It helped me when my W moved out, it didn't stop the pain but it has definately helped me with the process. I am not detached yet but I am starting to notice that her actions and words don't impact me as much.
As far as what to do I agree with 25. I am not ready to date yet and I don't think having D papers in my hand would change it. I was reading a book last week where it was talking about needing to stand for the MR and the family when your S is in turmoil. Whether I had papers or not I would still have to do the work to be confident and ensure to be better spouse for my W or my next relationship. I also try not to take things personally and I realize I control her actions.
I wish I had better advice for you and only you know what you can handle. If you can get through the initial rush of emotions it does it get better with time.
You have no reason to not walk around with your head held high. Your standing for your MR and family that is something to be proud of.
