It’s never 50/50! My point is that except in the very extreme examples you cite both parties are at fault to some degree and to imply to the children that only one person is to blame is in my opinion dishonest and does not serve them
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
It’s never 50/50! My point is that except in the very extreme examples you cite both parties are at fault to some degree and to imply to the children that only one person is to blame is in my opinion dishonest and does not serve them
My examples aren't that extreme.A lot of people have a problem with monogamy these days.And don't take marriage that seriously.
Like i said, no such a thing as a perfect spouse exists, but even if you aren't 'blameless', that doesn't mean you didn't contribute far more and fought harder for the marriage than your counterpart.
No one's without sin, but some people contribute more to society than others.
Yeah this is one area where I vehemently disagree with MWD -- I see no value in telling the kids that you don't agree with the D.
If you put the kids first, they didn't create this situation, they certainly don't want to deal with it, and the last thing they should be asked to do is choose sides. If you say that one parent wants a D and the other does not, you're explicitly placing blame on one parent and making the D their fault in the eyes of the kids.
Since we all agree that no one is a perfect marriage partner then we also know that although one spouse has decided to walk away, that doesn't mean that the failure of the marriage is their fault -- its not, that fault is shared. Therefore, casting one parent as the "bad parent" because they wanted a divorce is dishonest, and the kids are not going to be mature enough to process the complexity of a breakdown in a marital relationship.
The main argument I see in favor of telling the kids that the LBS did not want the divorce is honesty -- that you should be honest with your kids. I think this argument is flawed because if your parenting was driven by honesty over child welfare, then you would immediately tell them that there is no Santa Claus, no Easter Bunny, no Tooth Fairy etc, because to perpetuate those beliefs is to lie. We entertain these fairy tales for our children because we believe they benefit from them.
Similarly, I believe children benefit from being told that the marriage breakdown was mutual, and is not one person's fault, there is no "bad guy" here, only a failed relationship.
In my case, I was the LBS, I was cheated on repeatedly, for at least the last three years of my marriage I was a husband that only a fool would leave, and before that I truly believe I was a good husband. I was uneducated in the "Five Love Languages" and other marriage dynamics, but it was lack of knowledge or naivety versus outright neglect.
In any case, if anyone would have a right to lay blame for the divorce on my ex it would be me, as I went to extraordinary lengths to save the marriage as most of you have.
I met with a child and family therapist prior to telling the kids and her advice made perfect sense to me: tell the kids its a mutual breakdown, tell them that you both love them very much, tell them this is not their fault, and more importantly, that there is nothing they can do about it.
Then, focus on being productive co-parents. I have divorced friends and many divorced acquaintances. The greatest unhappiness I have witnessed through divorce is where one of the parents gets alienated through the process, or the relationship between the kids and one parent breaks down. That seems to be the absolute worst outcome.
If you agree with that, then for the benefit of the kids I think you want to avoid any blaming, shaming, pointing fingers, or anything of the sort. We used to be together, now we're not.
It's actually not a bad lesson for kids that bad things will happen in life that you can't control, but you can still have a wonderful life despite the challenges that you've faced. I'd rather teach grace than anger.
Acc
YES^^^^ and don't worry about the WAS not getting their share of the "blame".
Not that we consciously do this^^^, but heck, we feel like we pulled most of the weight in the m and we want credit for that (at least from our kids b/c we sure did not get it from the WAS.)
We can quibble about who is the WS/LBS due to who filed for D or when, but let us assume none of us here wanted what became our m, and or the divorce).
Kids will ask what happened in more age appropriate detail when they attain that age.
They will decide what they can handle.
I think back on when we told our s31 he was going to be a big brother. I spent time reading a book on it and talking to his pediatrician about HOW to tell him.
After sitting s down (he was 3), we told him a "baby was in my tummy and he would meet the baby soon, be a big brother" and we waited for his questions....
and S said, "okay. Can I have some cheese?"
The cliche that the kids must be told it's not their fault, cannot be emphasized enough.
It is said so often that it's a cliche, but it is of utmost importance.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
[quote=Accuray]It’s never 50/50! My point is that except in the very extreme examples you cite both parties are at fault to some degree and to imply to the children that only one person is to blame is in my opinion dishonest and does not serve them
My examples aren't that extreme.A lot of people have a problem with monogamy these days.And don't take marriage that seriously.
Like i said, no such a thing as a perfect spouse exists, but even if you aren't 'blameless', that doesn't mean you didn't contribute far more and fought harder for the marriage than your counterpart. This^^ can be true. Most of us did the heavy lifting in our m's at some point, or most of the time.
But inside the family with 2 parents, is it really vital that our children have to know who did what to whom, ever? What about when they are small? What about marital privacy? (I'm serious).
My kids are grown and they ask me questions. I don't lie. But I choose to keep some things private.
If you had asked me a year ago (or 11 years ago for the 1st round of this)
I would have said "H is to blame." Period. And I would have meant it.
I did a ton of personal work and learned to forgive far more than I ever expected. Frankly I had never seen forgiveness growing up. I had a lot of resentment (of his not making us a priority) and had to let it go if we were to stay married, partly b/c it simply did not help.
Fast forward to Last year when I suddenly got very sick and was hospitalized while visiting family back east. My h (the DOCTOR)
was nowhere to be found, which shook me to my core. And that lead to some other discoveries, etc.
Point is, much as I fault him for being a real jerk then, and in the div proceedings and hiding money, etc
if I go back a bit farther, with the benefit of almost a year now,
I can see my own flaws and errors without as much defensiveness.
I question myself and my choices a lot more.
With the help of a great T, I'm working on being gentle with myself as I face the brutal truth about my own role in this mess.
Indeed we are all human. If we are here, we probably did the heavy lifting in our marriage.
While H is still making choices I would never make, I'm not God. It's not my job to judge him. At this stage, I just need to detach from him, with as little collateral damage to our children as possible.
Rhym, I don't know your situation and could not find your thread.
But it's alright to be angry and deeply hurt b/c THIS IS A BIG DEAL - to have a family break apart is like a tornado wiped out our home and we are searching for tools with which to rebuild, even as we keep looking at the destruction.
Check into a group called DivorceCare in your area, b/c real life people are in the same boat as you are, and it really helps to remember that. It's like DB only real life.
And Keep posting.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
