It's pretty hard to get divorced from someone who won't communicate with you, won't engage with his own divorce process (he filed) and won't pick up any of the practical joint obligations. For about 18 months now, with the odd pop-up and away again. I know many of you know what that's like and others have had worse than me.
I need some help/2x4s/LBS pixie dust.
We are probably weeks away from the D being final. The process of disclosure in June threw up some new shocks and facts for me. My reaction was to drop the rope and tell myself that not only was there no hope for any R but I shouldn't want one. The same process possibly forced my H to look at some realities he has been lying about and hiding from. He told me he was finding it difficult and starting to see that he had created a horrible mess. His reaction - as far as I can see - has been to stop responding to my L's enquiries and to ask me if (after months of ignoring me) we could chat every other day on the phone to 'keep the communication doors open'. He had no clear goal for this. I thought for a few days and said no thank you. I told him that I couldn't 'chat' to someone who was lying to me and had done nothing to earn trust back.
Yesterday he texted me to tell me he had gone to our old house to do some jobs I had asked him to do months ago (I've moved and house is up for sale). This is something different in his behaviour. He talked about cleaning it, which a few months ago in a L letter, he said he would arrange when he had cleared furniture etc that was left for him to remove. (Originally asked him about stuff he wanted in July 16. Just got text spew. He produced a list in Feb 17 but refused to move things until house was sold because he'd have to pay storage costs. It damages the appeal of the house but I initially said ok because I thought he was still living in aunt's apt in London. Disclosure suggests he is also living part-time with OW 5 miles away from our old house so my L had insisted he remove stuff but he kept refusing to.)
So, we have a house to sell which needs maintaining and some joint financial stuff until the house is sold. I've been p****d off that he ran away and left me to deal with everything. I was also shocked to realise he'd been living just a few miles away and I had anonymous death threats in July 16 probably from OW who I had thought was in London rather than in my home town. I want to be NC and not talk to him for my own wellbeing. I am frightened of being hurt anymore by his actions or by anymore nasty shocks. I have to return to the old town (I've moved an hour away) to deal with the house and to deal with some of my mother's financial affairs as she has dementia. I don't want to turn a corner and bump into either him or OW. I know he lies and he is still trying to be pretty secretive about his whereabouts and about OW.
I think I might have made a big mistake...one of those ones that you think is a good idea, but really isn't. We used to share a gmail calendar for logistics as both of us travel with work. I suggested to him yesterday that we could revive it to inform each other when we would be at the old house/old town so we wouldn't accidentally see each other but could coordinate on practical stuff. I thought this would be a super-minimal way of almost NC and keep me safe but I didn't think he'd agree. He did though. And now I feel back in the loop of anxiety and as if I've just created another vehicle where I get to wait on him communicating or not.
Mistake? What else could I do? Or do I just need to accept that there has to be some contact right now about practicalities and it's the least invasive option?
He is still not responding on the L side and will get a letter from my L tomorrow saying that, given this, we will be taking the next step of applying to the Court on 16th August. Which he and his L are not going to like.
I've been trying hard to think about what I want and need right now. My H (who I love) is probably in MLC-land. His silence and inaction left me in limbo for a long time. I need to get out of limbo and I need to get the decks cleared on stuff and money. A D I never thought I'd want is the price I pay for it. I don't want to con myself there is hope. I don't want to rub my nose in his lies and I can't make him tell the truth. I don't want to see him or talk to him if he is still in Replay because it will hurt me. The only change I can see in his behaviour is him suddenly chasing me to talk on the phone a month ago and that he is doing something (not sure what) about the old house. Other than that, I know nothing about his life or thoughts and I try hard not to guess. My assumptions need to be that things are the same - OW, secret life, financial chaos, under psychiatric care, lying, not responding to L stuff - unless I see objective evidence that something is different. And I don't think I do.
