A's never right but I will not mention her A or our R UNLESS she brings it up and then my charge neutral goals kick in and I don't raise to her challenging me about anything. If she continues to argue I politely ask her to go away.
Thanks I agree on working on me for me and will continue to do just that.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Just a catch up I hope you don't mind me journaling.
In a recent post I mentioned that I'm beginning to alienate myself from my WW and that I'm hardening to her, last night my WW came to see the boys as I had them with me staying overnight.
The conversation with me was longer than the usual 10-15 minutes due to a lot of things going on with my 2S and school activities, she basically wanted assurances that I would have them there at the right times and pick them up at the right time also. I remained cool calm and collected showing a happy individual and am doing this consistently, as always my WW initiates the conversation and talk soon went onto the usual - work. Her No.1 interest is her work and now I understand why...
I continued to validate her when the need arose and listened intently, the conversation moved then to her having to do everything around the FH, if you remember the AP/LO has basically moved in and I cheer leaded her in saying "well done in keeping the house in order". I was so tempted to ask why he wasn't doing anything but know now which battles are worth the effort. It is here I made the mistake when I said "I thought you were moving anyway", the response was for her to go into asking about the future and how she needed to know the best course of action for her to consolidate all of our debt! I know this is a subject I need to stay away from as the big D word rears it's head.
I tried my hardest to remain CN and felt I did a good job of saying that I was not adverse in bringing the M to a conclusion BUT needed to get better advice from a professional, I feel they are planning on getting me out of the FH without anything from my 12 years of contributions - THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
As she left I mentioned that I will continue to support her financially and emotionally and that I will do nothing detrimental to her but this needs to work both ways, she said maybe she also needs to get representation got in the car and drove back to the AP/LO at the family home.
All in all the atmosphere went from quite a nice normal interaction that we have all of the time to something I feel has caused her to resent me more, I feel demoralised after all of the hard work in showing her a friendly safe place to come to but know this process is a rollercoaster not a straight line and pushbacks are part of coping process for the WW to try and justify reasons for leaving in the first place! I just need to forget about Wednesday the 21st and get back on the horse and continue with my strategy as best I can.
Thanks for reading my post, be well.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Cadet asked you to start a new thread, so you might want to do that before replying to any of us...
Originally Posted By: parkema
the conversation moved then to her having to do everything around the FH, if you remember the AP/LO has basically moved in and I cheer leaded her in saying "well done in keeping the house in order".
NO!!!!!! Do not validate her on anything to do with her affair!! Even if it's just housekeeping.
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It is here I made the mistake when I said "I thought you were moving anyway", the response was for her to go into asking about the future and how she needed to know the best course of action for her to consolidate all of our debt! I know this is a subject I need to stay away from as the big D word rears it's head.
Well, you're not supposed to initiate any of those types of convos, but if she does then you should reply. If she's hellbent on D then you can't stop it. All you can do is remove all pressure, but sometimes the WAS pushes forward with the D anyway.
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I tried my hardest to remain CN and felt I did a good job of saying that I was not adverse in bringing the M to a conclusion BUT needed to get better advice from a professional, I feel they are planning on getting me out of the FH without anything from my 12 years of contributions - THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
You're right, you need to lawyer up. You can keep on DBing, but you need to protect your interests too. You don't need to tell her you have a L or are talking to one, but you should definitely consult one so that you are prepared.
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As she left I mentioned that I will continue to support her financially and emotionally and that I will do nothing detrimental to her
You are enabling her affair. She forced you out of the home and shacked up in it with OM, and yet you're telling her you're there to support her financially and emotionally? I'm not sure we're getting through to you. You're trying so hard to placate her hoping it makes you look like the better option once her limerence wears off, but she's just as likely to see you as this easy pushover that she can use as she pleases. You're not making yourself attractive to her. Attractive is strong, confident, independent.
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I feel demoralised after all of the hard work in showing her a friendly safe place to come to
This is what I've been trying to tell you all along, all these "strategies" to get her back are just setting yourself up for failure. You're 100% focused on W when you should be focused on YOU. Work on yourself and quit trying so hard to be her best friend. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy", I think it'll really hit home for you. It's not what the title sounds like, it's more of a look into the "nice guy syndrome" and how most "nice guys" are really quite controlling and manipulative. It was a real eye-opener for me.
First off I am really sorry you had to have that conversation with your wife.
Think about your response to her discussing starting the process of divorce. **I will continue to support her financially and emotionally***
Why would you say that when she is starting the D process and is having an affair? The reason is that you are grasping to re-establish a feeling of control over your life.
As quoted by Accuracy: Your brain has convinced itself that getting W back, or getting W to apologize and declare a desire to have you back is the very best and fastest way to restore your feeling of being in control.
This is why detachment is so important. When you are completely detached your response would be " Honey, I am really sorry you are starting the D process, I would love a chance to work on our relationship, I hope you find the happiness you are searching for in your new relationship". Then you Lawyer up.
Then you start to move on in your life, if she contacts you in the future about reconciliation you can make a decision at that time.
For the most part you seem like a strong centered dude who will be an awesome role model for his boys.
I still think she may come around but you have to act strong and stop the I'll be there for you BS and it may be years down the road.
