Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
If I could rewind time to this morning and never have looked at those photos I would have saved myself a day from hell.
I can't stop thinking about seeing him out and about with his family with no ring on. Just the thought of it and my heart starts racing and my brain starts obsessing.
What are others experiences with their MLC and wearing rings? I am still wearing mine and can't imagine taking it off. I know its just a piece of jewelry but my H always wore his and it feels so symbolic that he's no longer wearing it.
I was heartbroken, FOOW. It was on his b'day when I noticed it. We were at is mom's house and i was dropping off a gift for her and noticed it. I had to walk outside and gather myself. Teared up and tried to keep my composure. I asked him before I left if he had lost his ring and he said he had lost so much weight that it was too lose. I knew he was lying.
I can't remember when I stopped obsessing over it but I did finally accept it. I haven't worn mine in a long time since I found out about OW. Be prepared for that, FOOW. So many of us never think it can happen to us but I'm sorry to say it happens to most of us on here. OP will come into the picture.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Do whatever you can to stay busy and GAL. It really does help.
If I could rewind time to this morning and never have looked at those photos I would have saved myself a day from hell.
My sisters and friends one day texted me to "NOT go on FB!" So I knew what that meant...and so I blocked h. I had a lot of people reaching out then, (b/c evidently our mutual friends were unimpressed and horrified.)
Honestly, blocking him is one of the healthiest things I've done. I have Never looked and I doubt I ever will. I admit I do like hearing that I'm more attractive and I KNOW I'm smarter and funnier. (You gotta do what you gotta do for your ego when it's raw!)
Here's the thing, FB is a highlight reel of our lives. He's NOT going to post about the rain that LA got the other day, and he's got to convince himself that NY and you are the obstacles to his JOY/HAPPINESS...
I happen to be someone very affected by weather so I don't pooh pooh his issue with it. (I simply think there are much better ways to handle it, obviously.)
For now, You must be in self preservation mode.
I'm sorry for the fertility problems, b/c I suspect you fear you're destined to be childless but that is not true.
And that's not something to worry about today. Today is about taking charge of your healing. What can you do to protect yourself? Stop the FB. Get OUTSIDE...
reach out to someone. There are also DivorceCare groups (not everyone there is divorcing but it's helpful for marriages in crisis), GAL - get a therapist, maybe some meds for sleep or panic attacks, and
there are resources here and in "real life" and you must avail yourself of them. Otherwise it's like having a fever and infection and not taking meds for it.
I can't stop thinking about seeing him out and about with his family with no ring on. Just the thought of it and my heart starts racing and my brain starts obsessing. YES you can stop thinking about it in short increments. While watching a live comedy or play (very hard to focus on something when live actors or comics are in front of you)
you can stop thinking about it "for just this afternoon" or say "i can obsess until dinner time and THEN I will rest my heart/brain b/c I have to sleep tonight. SO IN THE MEANTIME I will binge watch or work out or have dinner out with a friend who will agree that I must limit divorce talk to 15 minutes and then move on...
or you will not be able to sleep well and NOT sleeping well makes everything worse. Truly.
Starting the healing process is usually just stopping the bleeding.
You are over reading the "no ring" gesture anyhow, in my opinion. More on that later.
What are others experiences with their MLC and wearing rings? I am still wearing mine and can't imagine taking it off. I know its just a piece of jewelry but my H always wore his and it feels so symbolic that he's no longer wearing it.
What a day...totally lost and sickened over this
a friend around here (Bluwave) went thru a whole MLC with her h. I think it was 18 months of a public A.
(And she and her h are in piecing, btw). At one point she got a promotion at work. She noticed her h had left a bottle of wine with a nice card, in the bedroom. She read a lot into that.
Later after they reconciled, she mentioned that wine b/c it happened long before he had an awakening. He told her he put it into the bedroom b/c he didn't want the kids to get the wrong impression - about the bedroom. Point is she spent a lot of time totally misreading the gesture, and getting upset that it did not signify what she hoped...
Point is, we are really bad at mind reading into these things. And You are trying to understand someone who is very confused.
If you want to wear your ring, wear it. If not, don't. And you can change your mind. Do not spend time wondering what he means by taking the ring off.
Nor what it means if he wears it again when he returns. He may be trying out how it feels without it, or he is embarrassed he is to wear it considering how he's talking about moving west. He may change his mind, and he may not even be spending more than 1 minute on the whole decisions process, b/c frankly, a lot of men in these situations give it very little thought.
And you may have felt sick all day about something he gave 10 seconds of thought and energy to.
WHO KNOWS??
One thing I've learned here, in these scenarios and in life - is to let go of things I have no control over. Please join me in that.
What he means or thinks or feels about not wearing his ring when he's out there, is one of those things you have no control over and may not interpret right anyhow.
So, what do you think you can do this week, to stop the bleeding and start the healing?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25yearsmlc, thank you for your thoughtful response. Everything you say makes a lot of sense and you are right H probably only put 2 seconds into the thought process of wearing the ring or not. Does it make it hurt any less? No but at least its something I can tell myself to stop the obsessing.
I have my own IC who was our MC at first but when H decided he no longer wanted to try and save the relationship I started seeing him alone. I was just put on antidepressent/antianxiety meds last week and from what the doctor says it can take a few weeks before they build up in your system and you begin to notice a difference. I'm desperate for some relief as there are some days where I can barely get out of bed. I also just had my first apt with a DB coach and ordered the books which should be coming this week. I'm really really trying but I can't seem to control my mind and my emotions for any stretch of time which makes it feel like no personal progress is being made.
I know I'm probably also anticipating H coming back from his trip on Thursday morning and as it gets nearer the pit in my stomach grows to see him.
I've read all the articles and a ton of self help books on the subject and can rationalize his behavior and understand the personal crisis he is going through on so many levels. That doesn't stop me from still feeling so hurt and still trying to figure out how after 14 years together someone can just forget about you virtually overnight. He was my whole life and now thats gone. And you are right, I'm 34 years old and was supposed to be entering the happiest time of my life. I was supposed to be pregnant right now not going through this! I can't help but feel so angry that he's not only deserted me but he's taken about the ability for me to ever be a mother. I'm 34 years old and if I have to start over with someone new who knows how many more years that will be. And who would want to be with me anyway knowing that I've had fertility problems in the past?? I don't want to play the victim or have a huge pity party for myself but I can't help but feel so incredibly angry at God, at the world, at my H for everything I am going through. I know life is not over but it honestly, genuinely feels that way.......
Your post has made me recall that my H, who wore his ring through most of our marriage, stopped wearing it in residency around the time of his EA. He claimed it was a problem with having to wash his hands so much while in the hospital. Looking back, that was the point where he began walking away from the marriage.
I've read many reunification posts where they do go back to wearing the ring. It is just a step. Steps can be forward or back. It is not a line in the sand that can't be crossed.
You are really new here and the healing process will take some time for you with lots of ups and downs go easy on yourself you are doing all the right things..IC, reading and sharing
there are other woman who can offer support who have been thru this you will be ok trust me--If you dont reconcile another R will come if you want later on but for now its time to heal and reflect change what you can, create a friendship with your H I remember also being in so much pain about the ring..MY XH put it in his glovebox and left it there--many a MLCer will remove their ring just a matter of time when and all of us here felt exactly what you are feeling--when we noticed that I thought I was safe as long as XH wore it- The M is over as we once knew it It is beyond painful but hang in with each passing day, you will grieve and gain strength His leaving does not define who you are or what the M was He is a man in crises..they all follow this script in one form or another he will not be able to find the inner freedom and peace he seeks you will see that in time for now get some rest, read, eat, exercise and take as good care of you as you can
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
