WW with affair moved out 4+ weeks ago

[TxHubby]

Well.....
I guess time will tell as the only time she reaches out is to get more stuff.....

Currently we are finalizing the divorce paperwork. Should be done this week and then it is off to the court to be made official. Crazy how all of this can change so quickly. There was obviously some planning that was started long before she left. I was just oblivious to it.

The tough part becomes IF she does come back is will I even want her back? I miss being a husband and sharing a life with my wife. I don't miss all of the other crap- the lies, dishonesty, misleading, never satisfied, etc.

Time will tell I guess.... But I'm not waiting around for her. I believe I'm a pretty good catch and I'll continue to work on myself to make me the best person I can be.

e

As someone who reconciled with a cheating wife I'll give my opinion. No, you do not want a cheating spouse back. That taint is permanent.

[15Stang]

Hi all,
Wanted to update my situation. My wife signed divorce papers on Friday and I signed them this morning. My guess is in the next few weeks I will be officially divorced. It is crazy to think that within 3 1/2 months I've gone from not having a clue that my wife is still having an affair to being divorced. It wasn't hard to sign the papers but afterwords on the drive home the emotions came pretty hard. I've cried more in the last couple days than I've cried in the last month. I'm not usually a vindictive person but I am sure frustrated about how this whole thing is working out. There seems to be zero consequences for my wife. She gets to leave, be with the person she wants to be with, and take almost $60,000 from me. I feel like I have had zero leverage in this whole divorce. My state is a no fault state so things get split 50-50. It just seems right now that I'm stuck with all of the consequences of somebody else's decisions. I lose a pretty good chunk of money, I lose my wife I don't want to lose, and I get to suffer through the emotional hell that comes with divorce and not wanting the divorce. I do believe in you reap what you sow. I have to believe that her consequences will eventually show up. It's just right now I get to bear the brunt of it.

Detaching has been quite a challenge. While I am trying I know I'm not fully there yet. My wife and I don't communicate. And if we do communicate she is the one that initiates. But usually it's about more money in the divorce.

I know I will be OK but the emotional up-and-down can be tough at times. I've had a pretty good month or so but the finality of everything is starting to take its toll at the moment.

I hope someday that I will be blessed with another person that I can have a relationship with. And not just a relationship but eventually marriage. I also hope that it will be better than my first marriage by leaps and bounds. And that is saying something because I thought my first marriage was pretty good. But what I can see is through most of our marriage my wife was minimally invested into the marriage. The more I move away from the situation and detach the more I'm able to see things like this. I was definitely the one that was invested into the relationship. This was an issue for me for most of our marriage but I eventually got to the point where I realized it wasn't going to change. I made a choice that I would love her even though she wasn't as invested. I just never thought the lack of investment would open the door for her to go invest somewhere else. But when you think about it that seems pretty logical that someone that isn't invested heavily may invest somewhere else.

Just wanted to update my situation. I hope you all are well.

[Thornton]

Hey buddy - I'm sorry to hear about your struggles.

But you are right, you are catch. Your W just didn't invest in the relationship to realize it.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other and eventually you will come out the other side of this thing and be able to enjoy your life once again.

[15Stang]

Well....
It's official. I am divorced. My attorney sent me the paperwork they received and the divorce was finalized on 5.23.17.

Not sure what to think about it.... Part of me wants to cry, another part feels numb, and the bigger part is hopeful for the future.

Just some quick thoughts.
-3.5 months is what it took to go from what I thought was a good marriage to divorce- Crazy.
-The legal system stinks- I had zero leverage in this divorce. I'm just glad I don't have to pay spousal support. To me when one spouse has an affair or is currently in an affair they should forfeit some of their rights. Right now there are zero consequences for my ExW.
-The last three years have been valuable to me and my growth but my marriage didn't make it.
-I've learned a lot from the people hear. Just reading and the advise that has been given.
-I wish I would have acted differently when the affair came out 3 years ago. I should have been strong... instead I was weak. -Sandi2's posts on WW describes my wife to a T. I had no idea the kind of person I was dealing with. There is a part of me that thinks this whole situation has played out exactly like my ExW wanted it too. If she would have divorced me 3 years ago she would have walked away with almost nothing or possibly debt. Today she walks away with $55,000+.
-I will be better off by myself (or someone else) than being with the person I've been with for the past 4 years. Affairs ruin marriages (most of the time). I was hoping to overcome but it takes 2 and in this marriage there was only 1 wanting to truly do the work. Feelings are powerful and making choices based on emotions usually doesn't work out well in the long run.
-My marriage was good for the most of the 13 years I was married. Really good. I have a lot of great memories. Even if those memories were a pretend normal as I wasn't aware of the deception around me.
-Pain that is not transformed WILL BE transmitted. I see this in myself and it is what I have worked hard on the last 3 years. I also see it in my ex and her AP/OM.
-I have to give up hope of ever having a better past. I can't change it.
-I will survive and I will thrive.
-I will be a great spouse to someone....someday
-I will be better able to choose a spouse that is healthier due to the experiences I've had to go through.
-Depending on what happens in the future I may actually be able to have a child of my own.

Thanks all for the help. I'll be around reading and helping where I can. I don't like that I'm divorced and I'm not happy about it. But I'm content with my current life... for the most part. Things will get better.
Eric

[Vapo]

Right on brother.

From your writings I sense you have come a long way, but still have ways to go. And that is a good thing.

Things will continue to get better and your life will flourish. You will be able to see the signs of torment on the face of your W and she will have a lot of battles with her demons. Luckily that is no more your concern. I know you still have some residual WTF happened feelings, but this will subside.

I know you are probably fighting with some issues of self worth, but this too shall pass.

Now it is time for you to enjoy life, to tell yourself each and every morning when you wake up that it is going to be a beautiful day and then go out of your way to make your life beautiful each and every day.

Now you have the time and space to reinvent yourself. You can take up painting or you can restore that 67 mustang you have laying in your garage. Why not take that trip to Ireland you have been wanting to take your whole life? Why not go alone? Traveling alone is great, because you don't have to compromise for anyone. And you can meet loads of interesting people.

Go. Do. Be...

[KGuy]

Hello 15Stang, thought i'd comment and bump this post up for you for comment by others. I know you were looking for Sandi2 in your other thread, but maybe it can be consolidated here.

Jeremiah 29:11New American Bible (Revised Edition) (NABRE)

11 For I know well the plans I have in mind for you—oracle of the Lord—plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope.

Just take it one day at a time...

This scripture quote really helped me, thanks for posting SBJ

Hi all,
I went to a divorce care meeting last tuesday. Mainly I wanted to get out and meet some new people in a safe environment. While I'm not divorced yet it does seem like it is only a matter of time. The group was about 6 people of which I was the only male.

I also went to a DivorceCare class and although it started out where there were three guys in the class (class started with about 20 or so but ended up with about 6), i ended up being the only one that stuck it through. The thing that annoyed me was that although the video promoted what i believed (honor your vows and they were Christian based), the class would deviate. Although there were some in there who were going through the same thing you are, more often that not, the women in there were ending it because they thought they were being controlled. When they started to talk, i had the same doubt as you "am i controlling". I spoke up at first, but then it seemed i dominated the conversation too much (we only had 15 minutes for discussion), so after a couple of times, i just (mostly) kept my mouth shut and let them believe what they want to believe. Most times, the women would say they felt emotionally abused, but in he end, when i asked a simple question, they didn't speak up and communicate to their H sometimes for years that something bothered them. That was disturbing to me as my W does the same thing. At the end of the day, i would think anything in a marriage has to come from agreement and compromise.
It was really hard for me when the instructor would conflict the video saying that it was "christian based, but we don't want to alienate anyone so take it with a grain of salt".

The other thing i liked from that class was that they had a rule of not dating. My main focus on the class was support, but it really wasn't too supportive of my situation i don't think.

1. I can be a dominant person in communication. I'm only a few inches taller than my wife and about 50 pounds heavier. I wouldn't say I'm able to intimate her physically. However I do communicate easily and on the fly. This would create some conversations where she felt like her opinion didn't matter or that she couldn't have a voice. I feel terrible about this as I never meant to make her feel that way. I actually wanted her to speak up more and talk but I didn't understand I was making it so difficult for her.
2. We argued about $$ a lot. Especially early on in our marriage. We both liked to spend money. While I can't speak for her I spent $$ to make myself feel better. I believe this was her reasoning as well. When we married we were in about $25,000 of credit card debt. We payed it all off. However this was a fight as I was the one that took steps to pay it off while she fought me about not being able to buy whatever she wanted. We had to change our habits to pay off debt instead of satisfy our desires. $15,000 was my debt and $10,000 was hers when we married. Throughout our marriage we would argue about money usually because we didn't like to be told we couldn't buy something. The problem is we didn't learn that credit is bad and to live within your means until later in marriage. After some of her reasoning for leaving I'm not sure if she did learn to live within her means. I've been made to feel like I'm some financial tyrant. When our divorce is final she will get quite a bit of money from me and our marriage. Her AP- Well he is so far in debt he plans to file bankruptcy.
3. Would I be controlling because I would voice my needs in the marriage? Example- I had been asking her to show me through her actions that she was taking responsibility for her own healing after the affair. It could be reading a book, counseling, group meeting, etc. It didn't matter what it was. What mattered is that she was doing something on her own without me leading. The first 6-12 months of counseling were because I was leading reconciliation. (looking back this should have been a huge red flag/2x4 to my noggin) My reasoning is this was a way for her to communicate through her actions that she wanted to be a safe place for me. Usually she'd start something for a few weeks and then it would stop. This was frustrating for me. If I confronted her and asked why she stopped I would be viewed as controlling. Is this controlling behavior?

1. I do the same thing as you and when my W brought it up to me, i told her i sound like I'm arguing, but i really asking you to convince me to change my position. She said it was a struggle for her to do that and she just didn't want to do that. I tried to accommodate her more, but in the end if i don't agree with her position, i wouldn't just roll over for her. I think she resented that.
2. We didn't argue as much about money as i thought, but my W would bring something up, i'd agree to help her with it, but then she would remind me or give me any details for me to help her with. In the end she resented this and again labelled me with the controlling tag. My focus was paying down debt and thats where most of the money i earned that didn't go to our joint bills went to. I go allot knocked out (and will continue to even more now that she is gone), but that a whole different post.
3. Sorry, I think you were controlling here. She has to want to improve herself. You can't do that for her and treat her like a kid who hasn't done her homework. On the other hand, i'm surprises that you didn't switch tactics and read up on the issues yourself and then approach it from a "what do you think about this portion of a book i read..." standpoint. Water under the bridge though.

So this is my focus. To understand if I was a controlling spouse or if I was reacting to a poor environment. I do feel I became more controlling after the affair as I wanted a lot of transparency. This was a struggle for my W and it continued to hurt our M. I also want to work on being controlling from a money standpoint. Should I have flexibility even though we agreed on how the money would be spent? I would be told often I was controlling when I wouldn't let her spend money on something. My heart wasn't trying to be controlling but if there wasn't money in the family budget and we agreed on no credit cards I'm not sure what I should do. If it was her own monthly budget money I did not have a say in what she spent it on. That was the deal.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.
e

After counseling to try and save my 1st M, the counselor had what i thought was a good system. I used it in my M, and i think it worked, however during the end of the M, the W did not. A joint account is set up that is for all the bills you have together. Added up, they become your liability (monthly) for agreed stuff. You figure your incomes together and put in what the ratio of each of those incomes are. So for talking purposes, let say i make $100k and she makes $50k (assumes the W works). Then I'd put in 66% and she'd put in 33%. Everything in the separate accounts could be spent as each Spouse preferred. Some other people like to set limits on any individual item that can be bought (usually from a joint account, but could also be applied her). I thought it was brilliant and implemented it in my recent M as its doesn't control how money is spent and it promote good budget keeping. Usually for us if we got anything big that we both agreed on, I paid for it with my credit card which was paid through my separate account. I wanted also to use it as a tool to talk about the bills every month to decide on amounts each month as well, but that didn't work as planned unfortunately. If something came up though that either of us couldn't handle, then the other could step in with the separate account to fix the situation. I had to step in quite a bit to do things here and there to help out because my W would spend money differently than I. As I said,
in the ends, my W didn't like it, but it was because she wanted the money for a lawyer IMO.

From reading your post though, it seems that yours was a SAHM and that she had an allowance? If so, why didn't she just go out and get a job and make her own money to spend? Money is always a big reason why people get divorced, theres a reason for that. Me personally, i'd have a tough time working and getting paid only to have my W spend it all the way she wants. Agreed on, thats another thing.

Well....
-3.5 months is what it took to go from what I thought was a good marriage to divorce- Crazy.

Mine was/is a similar time period. Makes me understand why courts will have the waiting periods. In my case, it probably would have helped, I'm not so sure in your case it would have. In my case, it would have drug out a bit more had we gone through the courts, but my W wanted an "easy amicable" divorce. She didn't really get either really, but she did save some lawyer costs i suppose. The final papers are in my court for review right now, but i just don't have the heart to go over it in detail right now so i have been avoiding it so in effect i am extending it, but that won't last for long.

Well....
-The legal system stinks- I had zero leverage in this divorce. I'm just glad I don't have to pay spousal support. To me when one spouse has an affair or is currently in an affair they should forfeit some of their rights. Right now there are zero consequences for my ExW.

If you had proof of the adultery it probably does matter to the judge had you gone to court (thats what my Lawyer said anyhow), i think you mediated though if i recall. IMO the Judges have some leeway and if they see one is at fault they will lean toward the other side when making decisions. I saw this in my 1st M. Of course this depends on the judge. Personally, I think the no fault thing is BS. If you file, you should be at a disadvantage if there isn't good reason for the divorce IMO. When children are involved its even worse. From everything i can gather, the child support is based on keeping the children (and the one who has custody) at the same level as the marriage. Thats a load of BS in my book, especially since the courts are always bias to giving the woman custody.

Well....
Today she walks away with $55,000+.

My W got something similar from me (in addition to child support), but you just have to look at it as them just cashing out on what you did together. My D was my second try, and i wish i had found this site earlier to save my M when i had a shot at it. If i get married again, i will protect my assets better (i had a lot of separate stuff that she went after as well) to ensure they can't be gone after like my W tried to do. To her credit, its her lawyer looking after her best interest. Mine came out of mediation, and i treated it in a very business oriented fashion and came out better than what it would have wound up in courts. Her side kept trying to guide it back to what was totally "fair",
but i stood by the fact that if i didn't get a better deal than the trial would give me, i'd just go for custody no matter that the odds were against me. I had to give up custody to get the better deal,
but i at least got a better arrangement

[15Stang]

KGuy,
Thanks for your reply. I am beginning to see some of the control issues I have had. I really can see them after the affair came to light. I WAS trying to control things as I didn't want to get hurt again. I know the control came from a sense of fear. Fear of losing her, fear of the unknown, fear of divorce, fear of failing. I wish I had handled things differently. I still might have been divorced but we will never know. I do know my control issues weren't meant to actually be controlling. I understand that they were. It wasn't my intention.
You had stated that you felt I was controlling and how I was treated her like a child. I think I can see this now. My goal was to see that she had become a safe place for me. A person that I could again be vulnerable with. Her taking the time to invest into herself is a way that would have validated me and the decision I made to stay and work through this with her. I wasn't meaning to treat her like a child. I was spending a lot of time reading things and learning about myself and how I could be a better husband for her. I wanted her to do the same for me. But the reason I wanted her to do the same is because I was fearful that if she wasn't doing those things then I knew she wasn't a safe place. If she wasn't a safe place then I knew we would eventually end in divorce. It's almost like I was subconsciously not willing to see the writing on the wall of how my wife was truly acting at the time. I wanted to see the best in her and I wanted to see her putting forth the effort but the fact of the matter is she wasn't. It was discouraging to watch her put forth minimal effort. I thought I deserved better since I decided to stay. And my constant pressure to have her work and being consistent and doing things to get better just comes across as control.

So here's a question I have. How should I have acted or what should I have done? I know we can't change the past and I'm not looking to do that. I feel like I had zero power in the relationship after the affair came out. I very much wanted to stay married and be with my wife. I wanted a wife that fully chose me and was truly remorseful for what she did. When I had a hard time seeing this remorse I begin to try and control her and the situation. Thinking that if she was consistent on working on herself that someday she would be remorseful. It's tough because I feel like I didn't have a choice. I didn't believe in divorce as it goes against what I stand for. I also want to treat her like I want to be treated. If I screwed up this bad I would've wanted a second chance to try and prove that I wasn't going to be this type of person. So to sum up when the affair came to light I was left with two choices. One choice that I didn't believe in and the other choice I was hopeful that I would have a remorseful wife and we can get through it. When the remorse didn't come, fear came. I was scared of what I truly was seeing even though I didn't want to acknowledge it. My fear then caused my control. Not trying to blame fear. It was still my choice to do the things I did. Just trying to process why I was doing what I was doing.

As for the financial stuff I still don't really understand it. My wife was not a stay at home mom. She worked part time. We actually really didn't argue about money much since 2010 when we put together a budget that we both agreed upon. We had a family account and she had her own separate account that she could spend on whatever she wanted. I was just frustrated as we didn't seem to argue about money anymore as we had before we put together a budget that we both agreed upon. But once she left then it was a bunch of complaints about how I was controlling with money. I really don't know what to say about this because the budget we put together we both had equal say. In fact I specifically asked her how much money did she want in her checking account to spend on whatever she wants a month. The number that she offered was higher than what I wanted. But I decided that I would give her what she wanted as it wasn't a whole lot different than what I had offered. Anyways I know I'm not gonna have answers to all these questions. I want to try and look back at my past so that I can learn from it and grow and be a better person. I have to remember that there were two of us. Some of the issues we had might be more 90% her fault. Other issues we've had might be 90% my fault. I want to work on the 90% that were my fault. Those of the ones that I can work on and change for the better. Thank you for your help. Your responses made me think. Plus it helps me view them from a different point of view.

[15Stang]

Just an update to my situation.

I found out that my ex-wife will be getting married to her affair partner. It hasn't been 5 months since she abruptly left.

Truly I am not surprised by this news. I figured it would be coming. I learned of this news from the AP's XW. I had asked her to let me know if she ever found out about this type of news. My xw's ap told his kids and they told their mom (ap's xw).

I'm not happy about the news. But in the same sense I'm not stressing about it much either. It's more of a sadness for the type of life that my ex-wife will now get to live. I don't see it being very fulfilling for her.

As for me this is an answer to my prayer. I have been asking God to let me know if I am released from my commitment and my vow. I understand that I'm divorced in a legal sense but I have never truly felt divorced in my heart. I questioned whether I should look to another relationship and start dating or wait to see what will eventually happen. Now I have my answer and I get to move on with my life. For that I am thankful.

I have been working on myself and moving forward with my life. Now I get to move on. I really believe the work I've been putting into myself the last five months (and 3 years) is making this news less emotional. The news is sad but it's not the kind of sad like it was at bomb drop. I more or less figured this was going to happen and it's almost like I'm prepared for it. I'll go on with my day and enjoy my weekend.

Again everyone thank you for your help. I have continued to grow into a better man and I will definitely make a better husband in the future.
E