Quick update. I hope you are all okay and thank you for your messages and for checking in.
D documents finalised practically (1 month to settlement). Can't say it doesn't hurt. Of course it does. However, D10 and S8 are thriving. I have been too but all this sort of thing inevitably causes some PTSD. I rarely feel it now - months and months since I last felt it. But you can't help thinking what is wrong with me, what I am, have been etc. But obviously, the answer lies in not being perfect as a person but accepting that you can't control the actions of others. It's sad, when all you wanted was what you thought you both wanted.
Having said that, going back could never be an option. It's not until you understand that you have been abused and how that you can make this leap of faith. Moving from where you were to where you need to be. The rest is really just wistful hindsight for what you 'thought' it was. But it never really was. It was just what you wanted - 'The Waltons life' (in your mind it was, in theirs it was not).
WW has not engaged at all in the process of the D (despite starting it). It's been a tricky road, however, mostly I have flown through it with a stiff sense of morality and a relaxed attitude. But today I am struggling a bit. Don't get me wrong, not a lot. Just a tad.
I am a very luck man. Someone that really loves me. Lovely children who have been so well supported through my learning and care (and to some degree that of my WW too - I can't deny that).
I think it might not have helped looking at social media profiles of all those that enabled the WW in her endeavours. They were such a tight controlling bunch, many of who were WW themselves but have reined it in since this. WW does not seem to spend so much time with them and may or may not have an OM involved. I expect not and certainly not the OM that was involved at the outset.
But hey. Jog (Surf) on etc.
Life is otherwise very good and these feelings are transient (Rumi - The Guest House, helps on that front), work progressing and so is life. Generally a very happy camper. Just today for some reason not so much - but I rarely feel down and I will be fine. Sleep and exercise will deal with that tomorrow and Surf will be up again!
Practically zero confrontations with STBXW and see her daily.
I am lucky, I have a lovely lady in my life. A god send and amazing. Understands and cares - I am very lucky.
I hope you are all well. I will check in properly soon. Just need to get some rest.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
